FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > Wife/ partner who doesn't like sex
Wife/ partner who doesn't like sex
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 25 years out of your 30 years marriage  | |||
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"Perhaps she knows you play away … 25 years out of your 30 years marriage "Thought this too. I would be amazed if she has no idea. No words of advice OP. You'll be the devil incarnate for some on here. | |||
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"Has your wife always alkegedly not enjoyed sex? Do you think there's a possibility she had an idea of your swinging life and therefore feels rejected like she's not enough for you not sexually attractive to you? Have you spoken to someone like a counsellor or a Dr this? Is it possible she is having a healthy sex life, but that you're not aware of it & how would you feel f that were the case? I know that's a lot of questions rather than a not debate, but if it's worked for you both then great but from an outsiders perspective it can't be easy living a secret (i can't actually remember if you said it's a secret from her) from her side imagine how devestated she'd be to find out you'd been cheating for 25yrs (again presuming she doesn't know) From a personal perspective there's times I've gone off sex or when I've had it with my husband it's been more of I know I have to than a want Womens bodies are odd & our hormones from young to old do strange things that effect our sexual appetite & I know during these periods my husband used to buy thing like FHM more often, he'd be on porn sites more (things like that don't usually bother me, I enjoy porn) but during these periods I'd get ratty about it & say thing like well I can't compete with those girls & sex in real life isn't like in the porn films & it Wouk's push me away further & make me treat further meaning we'd go longer without sex Could it be that you and your wife have just gotten into such an unspoken rut? Ultimately if she's not aware of what's going on, it's cheating which I'm guessing if she were to find out it would crush her & that can't be justified by saying it's kept you marriage together for so long, no one would want to know they've been consistently lied to for half their life as if you'd split much earlier you'd possibly both be in happier & sexually healthier relationships by now " This  . Maybe she knows and is hurt/not interested, or knows and happy with things as they are, or has no idea and would be crushed to find out she invested 30 years of herself into a marriage with deceit, rather than you both moving onto healthy relationships that are sexually compatible.
Try being the partner you want to have. Try taking care of her non sexual, emotional needs first, without expecting anything in return, then she might be open to meeting your sexual needs in response. You have the power to change your actions, if you change them, hers will likely reactively change too. Not easy but worth it. | |||
"Perhaps she just doesn’t like sex with you? Maybe she has her own account and is keeping your marriage together too. "
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"I'm sure this topic has been posted before but I'm interested in what you think? I would manly like to hear the girls side of this but also if you guys are in the same boat fire away. So I'm coming upto my 30th wedding anniversary and my wife dosent like sex. I have been swinging for over 25 years and its kept my marriage together (unbeknown to her) I hope I have got my point across and let's start a debate " Would she have stayed with you if she had known that you have been cheating for 25 years? | |||
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"Every ones sex drive is different. If someone did enjoy sex then went off it you can look for answer medical or emotional. But some people just have low sex drive. I was with someone a good few years that was simple not that into sex yes we had it once a week at the most if that often. But it often felt like she was doing as felt it was something you had to do as a couple. She would have orgasam with oral or toys. Sex was missionary always she did not ever dress up sexy undies etc . Yes we talked about it she just said whats piont in sexy stocking etc and as far as sex would not trouble her if never had it. She was kept her self in shape lot swimming would happy go nude on holiday or nude swim at british naturist swims etc so not prudish just very low sex drive" Youre absolutely correct everyone's sex drive is different but what you've left out is wether your wife is happy with the arrangement, has she told you specifically she doesn't want or enjoy sex, has she told you to go and fulfil your needs elsewhere or is she of the belief you're also living a sexless life? & if so was that discussed have you told her you couldn't live like that and she just shrugged her shoulders in a like it or lump it kind of way It's impossible to have a debate without more information | |||
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" I have been swinging for over 25 years and its kept my marriage together (unbeknown to her) " Are you swinging or shagging around ? | |||
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" I have been swinging for over 25 years and its kept my marriage together (unbeknown to her) Are you swinging or shagging around ?" He's been cheating for 25 years, not swinging. | |||
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"Your absuluty right I'm cheating But if I told her that would possibly end our marriage, kids with out there parents and 2 people single after 30 years,when actually apart for the sex life is good. " You describe yourself as bi-curious, is your wife aware of this? Also you say that you can accommodate, would that be in the family home you share with your wife and kids? | |||
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"Your absuluty right I'm cheating But if I told her that would possibly end our marriage, kids with out there parents and 2 people single after 30 years,when actually apart for the sex life is good. " My kids aren’t without their parents, stop talking soft. 50/50 custody is a thing. Also, the reason I lost interest in sex with my husband was because I felt unappreciated and undervalued. I was incredibly miserable and HE thought everything was fine and we got along apart from the lack of sex. Were you cheating before or whilst your wife was pregnant? | |||
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"I'm sure this topic has been posted before but I'm interested in what you think? I would manly like to hear the girls side of this but also if you guys are in the same boat fire away. So I'm coming upto my 30th wedding anniversary and my wife dosent like sex. I have been swinging for over 25 years and its kept my marriage together (unbeknown to her) I hope I have got my point across and let's start a debate " You're an angel, shagging other people so your wife doesn't have to shag you. It's heartwarming. I hated shagging my ex but I wouldn't wish that horror on anyone else. | |||
"Your absuluty right I'm cheating But if I told her that would possibly end our marriage, kids with out there parents and 2 people single after 30 years,when actually apart for the sex life is good. " What about your wife having a say in that choice in that? Who do you think you are that you can take away her freedom of choice?? | |||
"I'm sorry but what's that got to do with my post" It tells us whether she deserves you or not. But let's be honest we all know that already. Were you honestly thinking you would get a pat on the back and some praise for being so considerate? The ONLY person you are thinking of here is yourself. | |||
"I would imagine she knows. Swinging isn’t just one night stands. I would suggest that the time and emotional energy you put into making connections with people on Fab might mean you’re not giving 100% Attention to her. You might seem distant to her. I would suggest if you want to save your marriage, take a break from swinging and really really invest emotionally in her. Listen hard & ask lots. " My thought too, she possibly doesn't like sex because she feels you don't like sex with her. KM | |||
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"Thanks for all the comments, It didn't really do what I asked in the beginning it ended up as an attack on me which I get. She does love me I know that she just doesn't like sex which was my question I wanted to know if it has happened to anyone else. And yes lots of guys and a women have pm me with the same life story, I'm glad I have helped and raised this issue. Let's leave it there Happy fabing" I have read some of the comments and I'm not really surprised how harsh and personal they are, it is a regular occurrence to posts that indicate a relationship outside of the marital home. I wouldn't lose any sleep over the comments, you don't know these people and they don't know you, which is probably how it should be. I wish you well and I hope your relationship with your wife stays good despite the lack of intimacy | |||
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"Thanks for all the comments, It didn't really do what I asked in the beginning it ended up as an attack on me which I get. She does love me I know that she just doesn't like sex which was my question I wanted to know if it has happened to anyone else. And yes lots of guys and a women have pm me with the same life story, I'm glad I have helped and raised this issue. Let's leave it there Happy fabing I have read some of the comments and I'm not really surprised how harsh and personal they are, it is a regular occurrence to posts that indicate a relationship outside of the marital home. I wouldn't lose any sleep over the comments, you don't know these people and they don't know you, which is probably how it should be. I wish you well and I hope your relationship with your wife stays good despite the lack of intimacy " What about the lack of honesty? Of respect?? | |||
"Perhaps she just doesn’t like sex with you? Maybe she has her own account and is keeping your marriage together too. " I love this | |||
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"I find it sad how so many people think that a good marriage relies entirely on sex. It's never a good thing to be in a marriage where there are secrets or hidden lives, but in reality, sometimes it is necessary to keep a family intact and together for all manner of reasons that are more important than sex. Poor mental health, poor physical health, loss of body confidence, addictions sometimes can be reasons why one partner (male or female) may lose interest or even capacity for a sex life. For the other partner, they may feel that to leave that marriage and give up their duty of care to their husband or wife - and children - would bring them far more guilt and moral judgement than to have to find a way to have their own needs met through a bit of extra-marital sex and some fun for themselves now and again. This lifestyle can help provide that opportunity in a way that doesn't require the emotional commitment that a full on affair does that would be far more damaging. I do think people should try and sit less in judgement, make less of a joke of it, and recognise every situation is different, and sometimes the moral choice isn't always that simple. Many 'cheaters' are actually feeling deep pain and would give anything for a full and intimate relationship with their lifelong partner, but not everyone finds the perfect marriage and romantic love with the perfect sex life. " Totally agree with everything said here. I am in a sexless relationship where my partner (man) is not interested in sex. He told me after about 2 years that he is not interested & never has been. Everything else is perfect & we are highly compatible personality wise, with our future plans & common interests. I swing behind his back. Not because I want to be a cheater but because he would not understand my want/desire for sex just as I don’t get his lack of desire for it. We have talked & talked about the reasons why he doesn’t want it & he can come up with no explanation other than it doesn’t interest him & he doesn’t have a need for it. The friendship & companionship side is all he wants. This is the second long term relationship I have found myself in where my partner has no sexual drive (my last partner suffered from depression & took medication which impacted his libido & had aspbergers which meant he hated being intimately touched). Neither situation is my ideal. I would have loved to have met someone for a full rounded relationship but it has alluded me twice now. So I have made my choice/rightly or wrongly & live with it. Nothing is ever black or white & there is so much more than a relationship than just sex so those who choose less conventional solutions don’t deserve such moral judgement | |||
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"Thanks for all the comments, It didn't really do what I asked in the beginning it ended up as an attack on me which I get. She does love me I know that she just doesn't like sex which was my question I wanted to know if it has happened to anyone else. And yes lots of guys and a women have pm me with the same life story, I'm glad I have helped and raised this issue. Let's leave it there Happy fabing I have read some of the comments and I'm not really surprised how harsh and personal they are, it is a regular occurrence to posts that indicate a relationship outside of the marital home. I wouldn't lose any sleep over the comments, you don't know these people and they don't know you, which is probably how it should be. I wish you well and I hope your relationship with your wife stays good despite the lack of intimacy What about the lack of honesty? Of respect??" Judge every book by its cover and that is your loss | |||
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"You’ve not been swinging for 25 years you’ve been cheating on your wife for 25 years. That’s so sad. "Exactly. Living a complete lie for all that time. What a waste and betrayal of both your lives. | |||
"I find it sad how so many people think that a good marriage relies entirely on sex. It's never a good thing to be in a marriage where there are secrets or hidden lives, but in reality, sometimes it is necessary to keep a family intact and together for all manner of reasons that are more important than sex. Poor mental health, poor physical health, loss of body confidence, addictions sometimes can be reasons why one partner (male or female) may lose interest or even capacity for a sex life. For the other partner, they may feel that to leave that marriage and give up their duty of care to their husband or wife - and children - would bring them far more guilt and moral judgement than to have to find a way to have their own needs met through a bit of extra-marital sex and some fun for themselves now and again. This lifestyle can help provide that opportunity in a way that doesn't require the emotional commitment that a full on affair does that would be far more damaging. I do think people should try and sit less in judgement, make less of a joke of it, and recognise every situation is different, and sometimes the moral choice isn't always that simple. Many 'cheaters' are actually feeling deep pain and would give anything for a full and intimate relationship with their lifelong partner, but not everyone finds the perfect marriage and romantic love with the perfect sex life. Totally agree with everything said here. I am in a sexless relationship where my partner (man) is not interested in sex. He told me after about 2 years that he is not interested & never has been. Everything else is perfect & we are highly compatible personality wise, with our future plans & common interests. I swing behind his back. Not because I want to be a cheater but because he would not understand my want/desire for sex just as I don’t get his lack of desire for it. We have talked & talked about the reasons why he doesn’t want it & he can come up with no explanation other than it doesn’t interest him & he doesn’t have a need for it. The friendship & companionship side is all he wants. This is the second long term relationship I have found myself in where my partner has no sexual drive (my last partner suffered from depression & took medication which impacted his libido & had aspbergers which meant he hated being intimately touched). Neither situation is my ideal. I would have loved to have met someone for a full rounded relationship but it has alluded me twice now. So I have made my choice/rightly or wrongly & live with it. Nothing is ever black or white & there is so much more than a relationship than just sex so those who choose less conventional solutions don’t deserve such moral judgement " I totally agree life is never black and white, and you and the other poster above have highlighted why that can be, it wont alter the view point of the narrow minded as they cling to the moral high ground. Having said that it has made me think why the same voices are so vocal, is it lack of trust or even confidence on their part that drives their confrontational posts? It would be easy to dismiss their views and overlook possible insecurities, which isn't helpful either. | |||
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"I find it sad how so many people think that a good marriage relies entirely on sex. It's never a good thing to be in a marriage where there are secrets or hidden lives, but in reality, sometimes it is necessary to keep a family intact and together for all manner of reasons that are more important than sex. Poor mental health, poor physical health, loss of body confidence, addictions sometimes can be reasons why one partner (male or female) may lose interest or even capacity for a sex life. For the other partner, they may feel that to leave that marriage and give up their duty of care to their husband or wife - and children - would bring them far more guilt and moral judgement than to have to find a way to have their own needs met through a bit of extra-marital sex and some fun for themselves now and again. This lifestyle can help provide that opportunity in a way that doesn't require the emotional commitment that a full on affair does that would be far more damaging. I do think people should try and sit less in judgement, make less of a joke of it, and recognise every situation is different, and sometimes the moral choice isn't always that simple. Many 'cheaters' are actually feeling deep pain and would give anything for a full and intimate relationship with their lifelong partner, but not everyone finds the perfect marriage and romantic love with the perfect sex life. Totally agree with everything said here. I am in a sexless relationship where my partner (man) is not interested in sex. He told me after about 2 years that he is not interested & never has been. Everything else is perfect & we are highly compatible personality wise, with our future plans & common interests. I swing behind his back. Not because I want to be a cheater but because he would not understand my want/desire for sex just as I don’t get his lack of desire for it. We have talked & talked about the reasons why he doesn’t want it & he can come up with no explanation other than it doesn’t interest him & he doesn’t have a need for it. The friendship & companionship side is all he wants. This is the second long term relationship I have found myself in where my partner has no sexual drive (my last partner suffered from depression & took medication which impacted his libido & had aspbergers which meant he hated being intimately touched). Neither situation is my ideal. I would have loved to have met someone for a full rounded relationship but it has alluded me twice now. So I have made my choice/rightly or wrongly & live with it. Nothing is ever black or white & there is so much more than a relationship than just sex so those who choose less conventional solutions don’t deserve such moral judgement " So because he decides he doesn't want sex he expects you to give it up for the rest of your life regardless of your labido and needs?? That doesn't sound like a true friend and loving companion does it? I really can't get my head around those people in a LTR / Marriage who decide to give up sex but the try and force that reality onto their partner. Or is it a case of they haven't been given the chance to fully discuss, evaluate their partners sexual needs and come to a compromise that works for both parties? It's easier to just cheat than have that honest, transparent conversation to allow a working solution to be found that's built on honesty and respect. If your partner decides to give up sex totally but then isn't prepare to find a solution to allow your sexual needs to be met in some capacity then what does that say about your partner? What an absolutely horrific, cruel and utterly selfish thing to try an impose on someone they profess to love and care about. KJ | |||
"Thanks for all the comments, It didn't really do what I asked in the beginning it ended up as an attack on me which I get. She does love me I know that she just doesn't like sex which was my question I wanted to know if it has happened to anyone else. And yes lots of guys and a women have pm me with the same life story, I'm glad I have helped and raised this issue. Let's leave it there Happy fabing I have read some of the comments and I'm not really surprised how harsh and personal they are, it is a regular occurrence to posts that indicate a relationship outside of the marital home. I wouldn't lose any sleep over the comments, you don't know these people and they don't know you, which is probably how it should be. I wish you well and I hope your relationship with your wife stays good despite the lack of intimacy What about the lack of honesty? Of respect?? Judge every book by its cover and that is your loss" My loss?? Hardly. | |||
"I find it sad how so many people think that a good marriage relies entirely on sex. It's never a good thing to be in a marriage where there are secrets or hidden lives, but in reality, sometimes it is necessary to keep a family intact and together for all manner of reasons that are more important than sex. Poor mental health, poor physical health, loss of body confidence, addictions sometimes can be reasons why one partner (male or female) may lose interest or even capacity for a sex life. For the other partner, they may feel that to leave that marriage and give up their duty of care to their husband or wife - and children - would bring them far more guilt and moral judgement than to have to find a way to have their own needs met through a bit of extra-marital sex and some fun for themselves now and again. This lifestyle can help provide that opportunity in a way that doesn't require the emotional commitment that a full on affair does that would be far more damaging. I do think people should try and sit less in judgement, make less of a joke of it, and recognise every situation is different, and sometimes the moral choice isn't always that simple. Many 'cheaters' are actually feeling deep pain and would give anything for a full and intimate relationship with their lifelong partner, but not everyone finds the perfect marriage and romantic love with the perfect sex life. Totally agree with everything said here. I am in a sexless relationship where my partner (man) is not interested in sex. He told me after about 2 years that he is not interested & never has been. Everything else is perfect & we are highly compatible personality wise, with our future plans & common interests. I swing behind his back. Not because I want to be a cheater but because he would not understand my want/desire for sex just as I don’t get his lack of desire for it. We have talked & talked about the reasons why he doesn’t want it & he can come up with no explanation other than it doesn’t interest him & he doesn’t have a need for it. The friendship & companionship side is all he wants. This is the second long term relationship I have found myself in where my partner has no sexual drive (my last partner suffered from depression & took medication which impacted his libido & had aspbergers which meant he hated being intimately touched). Neither situation is my ideal. I would have loved to have met someone for a full rounded relationship but it has alluded me twice now. So I have made my choice/rightly or wrongly & live with it. Nothing is ever black or white & there is so much more than a relationship than just sex so those who choose less conventional solutions don’t deserve such moral judgement I totally agree life is never black and white, and you and the other poster above have highlighted why that can be, it wont alter the view point of the narrow minded as they cling to the moral high ground. Having said that it has made me think why the same voices are so vocal, is it lack of trust or even confidence on their part that drives their confrontational posts? It would be easy to dismiss their views and overlook possible insecurities, which isn't helpful either. " Is being honest and showing respect moral high ground or decent behaviour?? What a sad world it seems to be. | |||
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"I feel bad for the op having to cheat for 25 years. His wife is clearly a very selfish woman. " If she said I don't like sex lump it, I totally agree that's selfish but he didn't have to go behind her back for 25yrs that's his choice He should have left & they could have both had the opportunity to find happiness with new partners There's always other options, families do not need to stay together, it's proven that kids are happier with 2 separated parents rather than 2 that are going through the motions | |||
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" Relationships are complicated, love isn't rational, people are not all the same. I think most people marry assuming that it will be a sexual relationship, it's expected. Why would you agree to marriage knowing that you don't like sex much thereby expecting your partner to go without too? Isn't that entering into the marriage under false pretences unless you make it clear that a regular sex life is off the cards? Why is the person who wants what most of us assume to be a 'normal' married life demonised ? " | |||
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"I'm sure this topic has been posted before but I'm interested in what you think? I would manly like to hear the girls side of this but also if you guys are in the same boat fire away. So I'm coming upto my 30th wedding anniversary and my wife dosent like sex. I have been swinging for over 25 years and its kept my marriage together (unbeknown to her) I hope I have got my point across and let's start a debate " I'd rather someone left me than did that behind my back. The man I loved more deeply than I have loved anyone did the same and it broke me. I wish he'd have done anything else... Taken a break, broken up with me, moved out... There are soooo many options. He took the most painful and destructive one. It absolutely broke my then 9 year olds heart too. I can't see how I can ever love or trust again. He never talked to me about how he was feeling. We had an amazing active sex life too. You have to talk to her. | |||
" Relationships are complicated, love isn't rational, people are not all the same. I think most people marry assuming that it will be a sexual relationship, it's expected. Why would you agree to marriage knowing that you don't like sex much thereby expecting your partner to go without too? Isn't that entering into the marriage under false pretences unless you make it clear that a regular sex life is off the cards? Why is the person who wants what most of us assume to be a 'normal' married life demonised ? " Why would someone get married to someone they know doesn't like sex much? | |||
"I'm sure this topic has been posted before but I'm interested in what you think? I would manly like to hear the girls side of this but also if you guys are in the same boat fire away. So I'm coming upto my 30th wedding anniversary and my wife dosent like sex. I have been swinging for over 25 years and its kept my marriage together (unbeknown to her) I hope I have got my point across and let's start a debate I'd rather someone left me than did that behind my back. The man I loved more deeply than I have loved anyone did the same and it broke me. I wish he'd have done anything else... Taken a break, broken up with me, moved out... There are soooo many options. He took the most painful and destructive one. It absolutely broke my then 9 year olds heart too. I can't see how I can ever love or trust again. He never talked to me about how he was feeling. We had an amazing active sex life too. You have to talk to her. " My daughter is now extremely distrusting of men now despite my trying to reassure her so that they might possibly be able to maintain some kind of relationship. 'good people do shitty things', 'it doesn't mean he did not love you'. | |||
" Relationships are complicated, love isn't rational, people are not all the same. I think most people marry assuming that it will be a sexual relationship, it's expected. Why would you agree to marriage knowing that you don't like sex much thereby expecting your partner to go without too? Isn't that entering into the marriage under false pretences unless you make it clear that a regular sex life is off the cards? Why is the person who wants what most of us assume to be a 'normal' married life demonised ? Why would someone get married to someone they know doesn't like sex much?" Why would someone who doesn't like sex marry someone who does? It's the never ending conundrum that is human nature | |||
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"Call me old fashioned ,but I can’t understand why people find it so hard to have a honest and open conversation with someone that they claim to love so much ." Hey old fashioned, what if he is scared of losing her and that open conversation would be the trigger? Nothing is cut and dry in relationships, people or life, everything and everyone is different. | |||
"Call me old fashioned ,but I can’t understand why people find it so hard to have a honest and open conversation with someone that they claim to love so much . Hey old fashioned, what if he is scared of losing her and that open conversation would be the trigger? Nothing is cut and dry in relationships, people or life, everything and everyone is different. " I have tried to speak to my partner on multiple occasions about the lack of sex in our relationship (through his choice) & potentially raise the idea of it being open/gaining his consent. Every time I broach the subject he gets defensive & closes the conversation down. It clearly makes him uncomfortable. Plus not everyone has a swingers mentality & can accept their partner wanting to seek sex elsewhere that is no strings attached. For most that concept would be very hurtful. It is a huge can of worms to open! But yes fear of rejection or your partner turning away from you once the conversation is had is also a factor, because once you have said it, there is no going back from it | |||
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"This thread is very fraught. I think I can see the issue from a number of sides. From a personal perspective, it has brought me up short. Whereas it may have been more necessary to stay together due to all sorts of pressures in the past, I wonder whether today that is now not the case. Lots of couples separate and thrive, as do their dependents. Granted, that is by no means a universal experience. There are clearly no easy answers, otherwise this thread wouldn’t be happening. A life of misery, and inflicting one, is no life at all." Agree, the unspoken rut as a fellow poster called it. The difficulty is talking about it. You know your partner well enough that a subject is a no go area mine was money not sex). If your with someone whose has no concept of reason, your going to give up at some point. I did, no fairytale happened but contented and filled with hope for better times | |||
"Call me old fashioned ,but I can’t understand why people find it so hard to have a honest and open conversation with someone that they claim to love so much . Hey old fashioned, what if he is scared of losing her and that open conversation would be the trigger? Nothing is cut and dry in relationships, people or life, everything and everyone is different. " Very true. Far more people ask for honesty than are genuinely ready to hear it. | |||
"Call me old fashioned ,but I can’t understand why people find it so hard to have a honest and open conversation with someone that they claim to love so much . Hey old fashioned, what if he is scared of losing her and that open conversation would be the trigger? Nothing is cut and dry in relationships, people or life, everything and everyone is different. Very true. Far more people ask for honesty than are genuinely ready to hear it. " That is very true | |||
"This thread is very fraught. I think I can see the issue from a number of sides. From a personal perspective, it has brought me up short. Whereas it may have been more necessary to stay together due to all sorts of pressures in the past, I wonder whether today that is now not the case. Lots of couples separate and thrive, as do their dependents. Granted, that is by no means a universal experience. There are clearly no easy answers, otherwise this thread wouldn’t be happening. A life of misery, and inflicting one, is no life at all." Some thrive, most don't. If a relationship has completely broken down or is violent or abusive (mentally or physically), then anything will probably be better for the child. But many families do find a compromise and level of acceptance that allows them to function in a loving home even if the sexual intimacy between the parents has gone. It's not always or no longer about about you, but the guilt and fear of not being in your child's life day in day out to support them, or support a partner who has mental of physical health issues, massively outweighs your the misery of a lack of intimacy or downsides of a sexless marriages. Children from broken homes are 5 times more likely to suffer mental health problems - just one example of the impact of a family breakup. Happiness in life is made up of a mix of pleasure and purpose. We need both. The purpose and sense of duty involved in bringing up a child, or supporting an unwell partner, can be a far greater factor to stay in a sexless marriage and seek some pleasure for yourself elsewhere. I don't think most people - men or women - like being dishonest - but sometimes there are no good choices. | |||
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"Are there really people who genuinely dislike sex? Or is it that they just don't want it with you (or I/us) in particular?" Yes there are. Personally though I think the real issue here is the cheating/double life, rather than whether or why the wife isn’t interested in sex. No matter what the reason, the size of the mortgage or the number/age of the children, the OP has been dishonest to and disrespectful of his wife. To those who have suffered in this way themselves, this is deplorable behaviour. KM | |||
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"Are there really people who genuinely dislike sex? Or is it that they just don't want it with you (or I/us) in particular?" Of course there are, asexuals exist. And there are people who may have enjoyed sex in the past but now don't for all kinds of reasons - lack of confidence, trauma, a partner who doesn't make any effort to make them feel good, stress from work or elsewhere, physical ailments, etc. Best thing to do is work out what the problem is together, and what can be done about it. Not give up and go elsewhere in secret. | |||
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"I wish you well and I hope your relationship with your wife stays good despite the lack of intimacy " Stays good?! 25 years of lies, deceit and a double life is hardly good. | |||
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"This thread is very fraught. I think I can see the issue from a number of sides. From a personal perspective, it has brought me up short. Whereas it may have been more necessary to stay together due to all sorts of pressures in the past, I wonder whether today that is now not the case. Lots of couples separate and thrive, as do their dependents. Granted, that is by no means a universal experience. There are clearly no easy answers, otherwise this thread wouldn’t be happening. A life of misery, and inflicting one, is no life at all. Some thrive, most don't. If a relationship has completely broken down or is violent or abusive (mentally or physically), then anything will probably be better for the child. But many families do find a compromise and level of acceptance that allows them to function in a loving home even if the sexual intimacy between the parents has gone. It's not always or no longer about about you, but the guilt and fear of not being in your child's life day in day out to support them, or support a partner who has mental of physical health issues, massively outweighs your the misery of a lack of intimacy or downsides of a sexless marriages. Children from broken homes are 5 times more likely to suffer mental health problems - just one example of the impact of a family breakup. Happiness in life is made up of a mix of pleasure and purpose. We need both. The purpose and sense of duty involved in bringing up a child, or supporting an unwell partner, can be a far greater factor to stay in a sexless marriage and seek some pleasure for yourself elsewhere. I don't think most people - men or women - like being dishonest - but sometimes there are no good choices." Your statistics are off. The figures I’ve seen suggest that children of divorced parents are 8% more likely to have a conduct disorder and 14% more likely to have depression or anxiety if the split takes place between the ages of seven and fourteen. No increased likelihood before this age. (Statistics from the millennium cohort study.) | |||
"I find it sad how so many people think that a good marriage relies entirely on sex. It's never a good thing to be in a marriage where there are secrets or hidden lives, but in reality, sometimes it is necessary to keep a family intact and together for all manner of reasons that are more important than sex. Poor mental health, poor physical health, loss of body confidence, addictions sometimes can be reasons why one partner (male or female) may lose interest or even capacity for a sex life. For the other partner, they may feel that to leave that marriage and give up their duty of care to their husband or wife - and children - would bring them far more guilt and moral judgement than to have to find a way to have their own needs met through a bit of extra-marital sex and some fun for themselves now and again. This lifestyle can help provide that opportunity in a way that doesn't require the emotional commitment that a full on affair does that would be far more damaging. I do think people should try and sit less in judgement, make less of a joke of it, and recognise every situation is different, and sometimes the moral choice isn't always that simple. Many 'cheaters' are actually feeling deep pain and would give anything for a full and intimate relationship with their lifelong partner, but not everyone finds the perfect marriage and romantic love with the perfect sex life. Totally agree with everything said here. I am in a sexless relationship where my partner (man) is not interested in sex. He told me after about 2 years that he is not interested & never has been. Everything else is perfect & we are highly compatible personality wise, with our future plans & common interests. I swing behind his back. Not because I want to be a cheater but because he would not understand my want/desire for sex just as I don’t get his lack of desire for it. We have talked & talked about the reasons why he doesn’t want it & he can come up with no explanation other than it doesn’t interest him & he doesn’t have a need for it. The friendship & companionship side is all he wants. This is the second long term relationship I have found myself in where my partner has no sexual drive (my last partner suffered from depression & took medication which impacted his libido & had aspbergers which meant he hated being intimately touched). Neither situation is my ideal. I would have loved to have met someone for a full rounded relationship but it has alluded me twice now. So I have made my choice/rightly or wrongly & live with it. Nothing is ever black or white & there is so much more than a relationship than just sex so those who choose less conventional solutions don’t deserve such moral judgement I totally agree life is never black and white, and you and the other poster above have highlighted why that can be, it wont alter the view point of the narrow minded as they cling to the moral high ground. Having said that it has made me think why the same voices are so vocal, is it lack of trust or even confidence on their part that drives their confrontational posts? It would be easy to dismiss their views and overlook possible insecurities, which isn't helpful either. " By your profile and you sticking up for the op you are married also i am guessing? | |||
"This thread is very fraught. I think I can see the issue from a number of sides. From a personal perspective, it has brought me up short. Whereas it may have been more necessary to stay together due to all sorts of pressures in the past, I wonder whether today that is now not the case. Lots of couples separate and thrive, as do their dependents. Granted, that is by no means a universal experience. There are clearly no easy answers, otherwise this thread wouldn’t be happening. A life of misery, and inflicting one, is no life at all. Some thrive, most don't. If a relationship has completely broken down or is violent or abusive (mentally or physically), then anything will probably be better for the child. But many families do find a compromise and level of acceptance that allows them to function in a loving home even if the sexual intimacy between the parents has gone. It's not always or no longer about about you, but the guilt and fear of not being in your child's life day in day out to support them, or support a partner who has mental of physical health issues, massively outweighs your the misery of a lack of intimacy or downsides of a sexless marriages. Children from broken homes are 5 times more likely to suffer mental health problems - just one example of the impact of a family breakup. Happiness in life is made up of a mix of pleasure and purpose. We need both. The purpose and sense of duty involved in bringing up a child, or supporting an unwell partner, can be a far greater factor to stay in a sexless marriage and seek some pleasure for yourself elsewhere. I don't think most people - men or women - like being dishonest - but sometimes there are no good choices." A lot of common sense here. The ‘better to leave rather than cheat’ brigade are amongst the most judgmental people you will find and typically have a very black and white view of life. It’s easy to condemn when you have sex on tap with a loving partner whenever you want. A casual Google says 10-15% of marriages are sexless, and every one of those marriages is different in infinite ways and the reasons for being sexless are widely varied. Somebody in that marriage has to weigh up the turmoil of spitting up against mortgage, finances, kids, dog, health, loyalty, friendship, and yes love. They may desperately want the sex that others here take for granted, but the costs of spitting up are just too great. That doesn’t make the longing for intimacy go away. So some will seek sex elsewhere, for the sake of their mental health perhaps and to keep an otherwise good marriage together. So call them cheats if you want but what do you call the person who cheats them out of a sex life? | |||
"I find it sad how so many people think that a good marriage relies entirely on sex. It's never a good thing to be in a marriage where there are secrets or hidden lives, but in reality, sometimes it is necessary to keep a family intact and together for all manner of reasons that are more important than sex. Poor mental health, poor physical health, loss of body confidence, addictions sometimes can be reasons why one partner (male or female) may lose interest or even capacity for a sex life. For the other partner, they may feel that to leave that marriage and give up their duty of care to their husband or wife - and children - would bring them far more guilt and moral judgement than to have to find a way to have their own needs met through a bit of extra-marital sex and some fun for themselves now and again. This lifestyle can help provide that opportunity in a way that doesn't require the emotional commitment that a full on affair does that would be far more damaging. I do think people should try and sit less in judgement, make less of a joke of it, and recognise every situation is different, and sometimes the moral choice isn't always that simple. Many 'cheaters' are actually feeling deep pain and would give anything for a full and intimate relationship with their lifelong partner, but not everyone finds the perfect marriage and romantic love with the perfect sex life. Totally agree with everything said here. I am in a sexless relationship where my partner (man) is not interested in sex. He told me after about 2 years that he is not interested & never has been. Everything else is perfect & we are highly compatible personality wise, with our future plans & common interests. I swing behind his back. Not because I want to be a cheater but because he would not understand my want/desire for sex just as I don’t get his lack of desire for it. We have talked & talked about the reasons why he doesn’t want it & he can come up with no explanation other than it doesn’t interest him & he doesn’t have a need for it. The friendship & companionship side is all he wants. This is the second long term relationship I have found myself in where my partner has no sexual drive (my last partner suffered from depression & took medication which impacted his libido & had aspbergers which meant he hated being intimately touched). Neither situation is my ideal. I would have loved to have met someone for a full rounded relationship but it has alluded me twice now. So I have made my choice/rightly or wrongly & live with it. Nothing is ever black or white & there is so much more than a relationship than just sex so those who choose less conventional solutions don’t deserve such moral judgement I totally agree life is never black and white, and you and the other poster above have highlighted why that can be, it wont alter the view point of the narrow minded as they cling to the moral high ground. Having said that it has made me think why the same voices are so vocal, is it lack of trust or even confidence on their part that drives their confrontational posts? It would be easy to dismiss their views and overlook possible insecurities, which isn't helpful either. By your profile and you sticking up for the op you are married also i am guessing? " By sicking up for the op, are we in the school playground!! My relationship status has nothing to do with you. How I have responded if you care to look without prejudice, is to be more open and honest, rather than jumping on the op, trying to see things from another perspective. Try it one day, it may open up a whole new world to you. | |||
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"So call them cheats if you want but what do you call the person who cheats them out of a sex life?" A human being (who is not obliged to have sex). | |||
"Your absuluty right I'm cheating But if I told her that would possibly end our marriage, kids with out there parents and 2 people single after 30 years,when actually apart for the sex life is good. " Your obv not that invested in your marriage so why would it bother you? Or is it that you want the best of both worlds. A nice warm home, a wife to look after you etc...its not just been once or twice..its 25 years of your 30 year marriage. | |||
"I fel so so sorry for your wife. She loves you and the hurt and upset and pain she will go thru when she finds out, and she will one day, you will slip up. You can't love her as you wouldn't be a cheat and liar and hold secrets. And have you thought about why she doesn't want sex? Maybe menopause or she has a hormone problem, and you reward her with cheating on her. What a lovely human being you are " I think the "doesn't like sex" is just a way for him to validate what he's doing, 25 years of a 30 year marriage, that would make him 20 when he started cheating..so was his wife roughly the same age when she "went off sex" if so then he should have ended the married and let her live the life she wanted but instead he wants it all! | |||
"The ‘better to leave rather than cheat’ brigade are amongst the most judgmental people you will find and typically have a very black and white view of life." Of course, how silly of us that have suffered at the hands of men like this not to have different opinions from those that think cheating and dishonesty is a good thing
KM | |||
KM | |||
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"The ‘better to leave rather than cheat’ brigade are amongst the most judgmental people you will find and typically have a very black and white view of life. Of course, how silly of us that have suffered at the hands of men like this not to have different opinions from those that think cheating and dishonesty is a good thing
KM"Who has said cheating and dishonesty is a good thing? | |||
"I find it sad how so many people think that a good marriage relies entirely on sex. It's never a good thing to be in a marriage where there are secrets or hidden lives, but in reality, sometimes it is necessary to keep a family intact and together for all manner of reasons that are more important than sex. Poor mental health, poor physical health, loss of body confidence, addictions sometimes can be reasons why one partner (male or female) may lose interest or even capacity for a sex life. For the other partner, they may feel that to leave that marriage and give up their duty of care to their husband or wife - and children - would bring them far more guilt and moral judgement than to have to find a way to have their own needs met through a bit of extra-marital sex and some fun for themselves now and again. This lifestyle can help provide that opportunity in a way that doesn't require the emotional commitment that a full on affair does that would be far more damaging. I do think people should try and sit less in judgement, make less of a joke of it, and recognise every situation is different, and sometimes the moral choice isn't always that simple. Many 'cheaters' are actually feeling deep pain and would give anything for a full and intimate relationship with their lifelong partner, but not everyone finds the perfect marriage and romantic love with the perfect sex life. Totally agree with everything said here. I am in a sexless relationship where my partner (man) is not interested in sex. He told me after about 2 years that he is not interested & never has been. Everything else is perfect & we are highly compatible personality wise, with our future plans & common interests. I swing behind his back. Not because I want to be a cheater but because he would not understand my want/desire for sex just as I don’t get his lack of desire for it. We have talked & talked about the reasons why he doesn’t want it & he can come up with no explanation other than it doesn’t interest him & he doesn’t have a need for it. The friendship & companionship side is all he wants. This is the second long term relationship I have found myself in where my partner has no sexual drive (my last partner suffered from depression & took medication which impacted his libido & had aspbergers which meant he hated being intimately touched). Neither situation is my ideal. I would have loved to have met someone for a full rounded relationship but it has alluded me twice now. So I have made my choice/rightly or wrongly & live with it. Nothing is ever black or white & there is so much more than a relationship than just sex so those who choose less conventional solutions don’t deserve such moral judgement I totally agree life is never black and white, and you and the other poster above have highlighted why that can be, it wont alter the view point of the narrow minded as they cling to the moral high ground. Having said that it has made me think why the same voices are so vocal, is it lack of trust or even confidence on their part that drives their confrontational posts? It would be easy to dismiss their views and overlook possible insecurities, which isn't helpful either. By your profile and you sticking up for the op you are married also i am guessing? By sicking up for the op, are we in the school playground!! My relationship status has nothing to do with you. How I have responded if you care to look without prejudice, is to be more open and honest, rather than jumping on the op, trying to see things from another perspective. Try it one day, it may open up a whole new world to you. " And that reply shows you are married also  | |||
"I find it sad how so many people think that a good marriage relies entirely on sex. It's never a good thing to be in a marriage where there are secrets or hidden lives, but in reality, sometimes it is necessary to keep a family intact and together for all manner of reasons that are more important than sex. Poor mental health, poor physical health, loss of body confidence, addictions sometimes can be reasons why one partner (male or female) may lose interest or even capacity for a sex life. For the other partner, they may feel that to leave that marriage and give up their duty of care to their husband or wife - and children - would bring them far more guilt and moral judgement than to have to find a way to have their own needs met through a bit of extra-marital sex and some fun for themselves now and again. This lifestyle can help provide that opportunity in a way that doesn't require the emotional commitment that a full on affair does that would be far more damaging. I do think people should try and sit less in judgement, make less of a joke of it, and recognise every situation is different, and sometimes the moral choice isn't always that simple. Many 'cheaters' are actually feeling deep pain and would give anything for a full and intimate relationship with their lifelong partner, but not everyone finds the perfect marriage and romantic love with the perfect sex life. Totally agree with everything said here. I am in a sexless relationship where my partner (man) is not interested in sex. He told me after about 2 years that he is not interested & never has been. Everything else is perfect & we are highly compatible personality wise, with our future plans & common interests. I swing behind his back. Not because I want to be a cheater but because he would not understand my want/desire for sex just as I don’t get his lack of desire for it. We have talked & talked about the reasons why he doesn’t want it & he can come up with no explanation other than it doesn’t interest him & he doesn’t have a need for it. The friendship & companionship side is all he wants. This is the second long term relationship I have found myself in where my partner has no sexual drive (my last partner suffered from depression & took medication which impacted his libido & had aspbergers which meant he hated being intimately touched). Neither situation is my ideal. I would have loved to have met someone for a full rounded relationship but it has alluded me twice now. So I have made my choice/rightly or wrongly & live with it. Nothing is ever black or white & there is so much more than a relationship than just sex so those who choose less conventional solutions don’t deserve such moral judgement I totally agree life is never black and white, and you and the other poster above have highlighted why that can be, it wont alter the view point of the narrow minded as they cling to the moral high ground. Having said that it has made me think why the same voices are so vocal, is it lack of trust or even confidence on their part that drives their confrontational posts? It would be easy to dismiss their views and overlook possible insecurities, which isn't helpful either. By your profile and you sticking up for the op you are married also i am guessing? By sicking up for the op, are we in the school playground!! My relationship status has nothing to do with you. How I have responded if you care to look without prejudice, is to be more open and honest, rather than jumping on the op, trying to see things from another perspective. Try it one day, it may open up a whole new world to you. And that reply shows you are married also "As I have already said it has nothing to do with you but I will make an exception for you because you are wrong, which seems to be what your most consistent at! | |||
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"Call me old fashioned ,but I can’t understand why people find it so hard to have a honest and open conversation with someone that they claim to love so much . Hey old fashioned, what if he is scared of losing her and that open conversation would be the trigger? Nothing is cut and dry in relationships, people or life, everything and everyone is different. " How could he be sscarednof loosing her? He clearly doesn't care or he wouldn't have done it in the first place, when she finds out and finds out that he not only likes men but has cheated on her for 25 years.. he is going to loose her so he clearly doesn't give a toss! | |||
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"I find it sad how so many people think that a good marriage relies entirely on sex. It's never a good thing to be in a marriage where there are secrets or hidden lives, but in reality, sometimes it is necessary to keep a family intact and together for all manner of reasons that are more important than sex. Poor mental health, poor physical health, loss of body confidence, addictions sometimes can be reasons why one partner (male or female) may lose interest or even capacity for a sex life. For the other partner, they may feel that to leave that marriage and give up their duty of care to their husband or wife - and children - would bring them far more guilt and moral judgement than to have to find a way to have their own needs met through a bit of extra-marital sex and some fun for themselves now and again. This lifestyle can help provide that opportunity in a way that doesn't require the emotional commitment that a full on affair does that would be far more damaging. I do think people should try and sit less in judgement, make less of a joke of it, and recognise every situation is different, and sometimes the moral choice isn't always that simple. Many 'cheaters' are actually feeling deep pain and would give anything for a full and intimate relationship with their lifelong partner, but not everyone finds the perfect marriage and romantic love with the perfect sex life. Totally agree with everything said here. I am in a sexless relationship where my partner (man) is not interested in sex. He told me after about 2 years that he is not interested & never has been. Everything else is perfect & we are highly compatible personality wise, with our future plans & common interests. I swing behind his back. Not because I want to be a cheater but because he would not understand my want/desire for sex just as I don’t get his lack of desire for it. We have talked & talked about the reasons why he doesn’t want it & he can come up with no explanation other than it doesn’t interest him & he doesn’t have a need for it. The friendship & companionship side is all he wants. This is the second long term relationship I have found myself in where my partner has no sexual drive (my last partner suffered from depression & took medication which impacted his libido & had aspbergers which meant he hated being intimately touched). Neither situation is my ideal. I would have loved to have met someone for a full rounded relationship but it has alluded me twice now. So I have made my choice/rightly or wrongly & live with it. Nothing is ever black or white & there is so much more than a relationship than just sex so those who choose less conventional solutions don’t deserve such moral judgement " One of the few decent replies I’ve seen, the sort of judgemental hypocrisy I’ve read on this thread is always hard to believe on a site like this, but it’s standard. | |||
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"I find it sad how so many people think that a good marriage relies entirely on sex. It's never a good thing to be in a marriage where there are secrets or hidden lives, but in reality, sometimes it is necessary to keep a family intact and together for all manner of reasons that are more important than sex. Poor mental health, poor physical health, loss of body confidence, addictions sometimes can be reasons why one partner (male or female) may lose interest or even capacity for a sex life. For the other partner, they may feel that to leave that marriage and give up their duty of care to their husband or wife - and children - would bring them far more guilt and moral judgement than to have to find a way to have their own needs met through a bit of extra-marital sex and some fun for themselves now and again. This lifestyle can help provide that opportunity in a way that doesn't require the emotional commitment that a full on affair does that would be far more damaging. I do think people should try and sit less in judgement, make less of a joke of it, and recognise every situation is different, and sometimes the moral choice isn't always that simple. Many 'cheaters' are actually feeling deep pain and would give anything for a full and intimate relationship with their lifelong partner, but not everyone finds the perfect marriage and romantic love with the perfect sex life. Totally agree with everything said here. I am in a sexless relationship where my partner (man) is not interested in sex. He told me after about 2 years that he is not interested & never has been. Everything else is perfect & we are highly compatible personality wise, with our future plans & common interests. I swing behind his back. Not because I want to be a cheater but because he would not understand my want/desire for sex just as I don’t get his lack of desire for it. We have talked & talked about the reasons why he doesn’t want it & he can come up with no explanation other than it doesn’t interest him & he doesn’t have a need for it. The friendship & companionship side is all he wants. This is the second long term relationship I have found myself in where my partner has no sexual drive (my last partner suffered from depression & took medication which impacted his libido & had aspbergers which meant he hated being intimately touched). Neither situation is my ideal. I would have loved to have met someone for a full rounded relationship but it has alluded me twice now. So I have made my choice/rightly or wrongly & live with it. Nothing is ever black or white & there is so much more than a relationship than just sex so those who choose less conventional solutions don’t deserve such moral judgement One of the few decent replies I’ve seen, the sort of judgemental hypocrisy I’ve read on this thread is always hard to believe on a site like this, but it’s standard. " What do you mean a site like this? It's a swinging site not an affairs site. What hypocrisy? | |||
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"You’ve not been swinging for 25 years you’ve been cheating on your wife for 25 years. That’s so sad. "this statement is so 100% correct you have been dishonesty and simply like ing a lie. Swinging lifestyle is about openess trust and honesty. This would be a very different story if she knew and was consenting to your actions | |||
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"for all those saying their partner doesnt want sex, i could never stay in a relationship like that for any reason, sex and intamacy is for me to important, but both need to be in tune. I just think that the men and women saying they do it are just rrying to excuse what they are doing, leave and start again, ive done it, it doesnt mean you loose kids etc, yes it costs a bit, but you only get one life, live it, and cheating on people, as lets face it, thats what it is unless they know and aprove, is never going to end well. just my two pence worth. like i said ive been there and left . I would rather be single, otherwise its no different to living in a house share" Totally agree thats why i divorced the exwife. She wanted all the other intermucy but not sex. I tried everything to get her to go get help. After 8years i told her i was leaving. We still very good friends and we have two children. Even before the kids her sexdrive was low but we got on well. After children it vanished. Its better to be happy than wasting away in a dying relationship. | |||
"I'm sure this topic has been posted before but I'm interested in what you think? I would manly like to hear the girls side of this but also if you guys are in the same boat fire away. So I'm coming upto my 30th wedding anniversary and my wife dosent like sex. I have been swinging for over 25 years and its kept my marriage together (unbeknown to her) I hope I have got my point across and let's start a debate " Sounds like she’s lost her mojo, if she had any at all you didn’t really say, my advise is if you love her keep cheating. You may become frustrated with her otherwise and end up dumping her thus breaking her heart. | |||
"You’ve not been swinging for 25 years you’ve been cheating on your wife for 25 years. That’s so sad. this statement is so 100% correct you have been dishonesty and simply like ing a lie. Swinging lifestyle is about openess trust and honesty. This would be a very different story if she knew and was consenting to your actions"The really sad thing? While the OP has decided he wants to live this cheating life, his wife is lied to and has not even had the chance to make her choice. Everyone should have the freedom of choice. | |||
"Cue All the condemning women. "Maybe read the thread more if you think it's just women. | |||
"I'm sure this topic has been posted before but I'm interested in what you think? I would manly like to hear the girls side of this but also if you guys are in the same boat fire away. So I'm coming upto my 30th wedding anniversary and my wife dosent like sex. I have been swinging for over 25 years and its kept my marriage together (unbeknown to her) I hope I have got my point across and let's start a debate Sounds like she’s lost her mojo, if she had any at all you didn’t really say, my advise is if you love her keep cheating. You may become frustrated with her otherwise and end up dumping her thus breaking her heart. " Surely she hasn't liked sex since her 20s..and if this was the case then why did the OP marry her and continued with the marriage. I feel very sorry for his wife as she has spent the majority of her life being lied to..being with a man who she thought she knew...nobody deserves that! | |||
"I'm sure this topic has been posted before but I'm interested in what you think? I would manly like to hear the girls side of this but also if you guys are in the same boat fire away. So I'm coming upto my 30th wedding anniversary and my wife dosent like sex. I have been swinging for over 25 years and its kept my marriage together (unbeknown to her) I hope I have got my point across and let's start a debate Sounds like she’s lost her mojo, if she had any at all you didn’t really say, my advise is if you love her keep cheating. You may become frustrated with her otherwise and end up dumping her thus breaking her heart. Surely she hasn't liked sex since her 20s..and if this was the case then why did the OP marry her and continued with the marriage. I feel very sorry for his wife as she has spent the majority of her life being lied to..being with a man who she thought she knew...nobody deserves that!" Agree totally. This is the ugly way that people use swinging as an excuse for. It isn't swinging, it is cheating. Wrong site. | |||
"Cue All the condemning women. "Wow, how we love being cheated on and really should support the OP against his poor wife | |||
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"Has your wife always alkegedly not enjoyed sex? Do you think there's a possibility she had an idea of your swinging life and therefore feels rejected like she's not enough for you not sexually attractive to you? Have you spoken to someone like a counsellor or a Dr this? Is it possible she is having a healthy sex life, but that you're not aware of it & how would you feel f that were the case? I know that's a lot of questions rather than a not debate, but if it's worked for you both then great but from an outsiders perspective it can't be easy living a secret (i can't actually remember if you said it's a secret from her) from her side imagine how devestated she'd be to find out you'd been cheating for 25yrs (again presuming she doesn't know) From a personal perspective there's times I've gone off sex or when I've had it with my husband it's been more of I know I have to than a want Womens bodies are odd & our hormones from young to old do strange things that effect our sexual appetite & I know during these periods my husband used to buy thing like FHM more often, he'd be on porn sites more (things like that don't usually bother me, I enjoy porn) but during these periods I'd get ratty about it & say thing like well I can't compete with those girls & sex in real life isn't like in the porn films & it Wouk's push me away further & make me treat further meaning we'd go longer without sex Could it be that you and your wife have just gotten into such an unspoken rut? Ultimately if she's not aware of what's going on, it's cheating which I'm guessing if she were to find out it would crush her & that can't be justified by saying it's kept you marriage together for so long, no one would want to know they've been consistently lied to for half their life as if you'd split much earlier you'd possibly both be in happier & sexually healthier relationships by now This . Maybe she knows and is hurt/not interested, or knows and happy with things as they are, or has no idea and would be crushed to find out she invested 30 years of herself into a marriage with deceit, rather than you both moving onto healthy relationships that are sexually compatible.
Try being the partner you want to have. Try taking care of her non sexual, emotional needs first, without expecting anything in return, then she might be open to meeting your sexual needs in response. You have the power to change your actions, if you change them, hers will likely reactively change too. Not easy but worth it. " totally agree with both of these. Honestly is key, the lies and deceit are what hurt the most especially when there’s a chance she may know anyway | |||
"Hi to everyone who has written there view and thank you .to be honest I was asking why a woman doesn't like sex? I have honestly tried for 25 years to be patient with her but it's so destroying when you get into bed and want a cuddle/sex and you get no response don't get me wrong we have sex maybe 3/4 times a year she is a wonderful person and mother to our children also we get on and work together, Am I really to blame for using a swing site for uncomplicated sex,I have never had an affair. I'm sure single women on here have there reasons,couples have lots of different reasons and guys are mostly married the world would be boring if we were all the same." I hated sex with my ex husband. Because it was all he ever went on about, and had no regard to my needs or wants. A simple cuddle or kiss, turned into him groping me. I couldn’t be affectionate with him cause he always thought it was an invitation to have sex. He didn’t help me with normal day to day things, he ignored me, and couldn’t even have a conversation. So no, I didn’t want sex with him. I didn’t want to be near him. Since we split, I can’t get enough sex again. There’s a saying, water your garden and see it bloom. | |||
"Hi to everyone who has written there view and thank you .to be honest I was asking why a woman doesn't like sex? I have honestly tried for 25 years to be patient with her but it's so destroying when you get into bed and want a cuddle/sex and you get no response don't get me wrong we have sex maybe 3/4 times a year she is a wonderful person and mother to our children also we get on and work together, Am I really to blame for using a swing site for uncomplicated sex,I have never had an affair. I'm sure single women on here have there reasons,couples have lots of different reasons and guys are mostly married the world would be boring if we were all the same. I hated sex with my ex husband. Because it was all he ever went on about, and had no regard to my needs or wants. A simple cuddle or kiss, turned into him groping me. I couldn’t be affectionate with him cause he always thought it was an invitation to have sex. He didn’t help me with normal day to day things, he ignored me, and couldn’t even have a conversation. So no, I didn’t want sex with him. I didn’t want to be near him. Since we split, I can’t get enough sex again. There’s a saying, water your garden and see it bloom. " You can never fool a woman, She knows exactly what you’re up to and she’s letting you enjoy yourself any man that thinks he can see though a woman is missing a lot , But we still have to understand it’s not easy to cheat and it’s not easy to stay with your wife without sexual pleasure either | |||
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"Hi to everyone who has written there view and thank you .to be honest I was asking why a woman doesn't like sex? I have honestly tried for 25 years to be patient with her but it's so destroying when you get into bed and want a cuddle/sex and you get no response don't get me wrong we have sex maybe 3/4 times a year she is a wonderful person and mother to our children also we get on and work together, Am I really to blame for using a swing site for uncomplicated sex,I have never had an affair. I'm sure single women on here have there reasons,couples have lots of different reasons and guys are mostly married the world would be boring if we were all the same. I hated sex with my ex husband. Because it was all he ever went on about, and had no regard to my needs or wants. A simple cuddle or kiss, turned into him groping me. I couldn’t be affectionate with him cause he always thought it was an invitation to have sex. He didn’t help me with normal day to day things, he ignored me, and couldn’t even have a conversation. So no, I didn’t want sex with him. I didn’t want to be near him. Since we split, I can’t get enough sex again. There’s a saying, water your garden and see it bloom. You can never fool a woman, She knows exactly what you’re up to and she’s letting you enjoy yourself any man that thinks he can see though a woman is missing a lot , But we still have to understand it’s not easy to cheat and it’s not easy to stay with your wife without sexual pleasure either " Then why stay with this woman who doesn't like sex? If sex is so important to him then he shouldn't have continued with their relationship. The woman has been lied to for 25 years.thats a long time. | |||
"I love my wife but she is in an unfortunate menopause aspect where she does not want intimacy or closeness for the last 6 years and i would never pressure her. Being on here allows me some fantasy times without risking hurting her in any way she does not deserve that." Without risking her? How would she feel about you being on here? | |||
"Hi to everyone who has written there view and thank you .to be honest I was asking why a woman doesn't like sex? I have honestly tried for 25 years to be patient with her but it's so destroying when you get into bed and want a cuddle/sex and you get no response don't get me wrong we have sex maybe 3/4 times a year she is a wonderful person and mother to our children also we get on and work together, Am I really to blame for using a swing site for uncomplicated sex,I have never had an affair. I'm sure single women on here have there reasons,couples have lots of different reasons and guys are mostly married the world would be boring if we were all the same. I hated sex with my ex husband. Because it was all he ever went on about, and had no regard to my needs or wants. A simple cuddle or kiss, turned into him groping me. I couldn’t be affectionate with him cause he always thought it was an invitation to have sex. He didn’t help me with normal day to day things, he ignored me, and couldn’t even have a conversation. So no, I didn’t want sex with him. I didn’t want to be near him. Since we split, I can’t get enough sex again. There’s a saying, water your garden and see it bloom. "  | |||
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"The judgement on here is incredible. The OP didn't ask for anyone's opinion on his moral standing. It was a simple question and if you don't agree with his situation surely you should just refuse to help by not answering and move on." He specifically invited a debate. | |||
"There’s a saying, water your garden and see it bloom." | |||
"The judgement on here is incredible. The OP didn't ask for anyone's opinion on his moral standing. It was a simple question and if you don't agree with his situation surely you should just refuse to help by not answering and move on. Every relationship is different and the only people able to truly judge what works for them and how they should behave are the two people involved in it. We have both been in similar relationships with completely mismatched sex drives and it's bloody difficult. We didn't cheat and managed to end it but that doesn't make us think badly of the OP. It just makes us truly appreciate how lucky we are that we left and found each other. " Iagree with leaving and finding your match as thats what i got with john. But the op did not need to say he had been cheating on his wife for 25yrs of hos 30yr marriage either. If he had left that out he would have had a better responce. Swinging is not just about shagging, its about making friendships and connections also as well as great sex. Nothing in the proper swingers ethos is about cheating,its about Consenting to sharing your partner and not cheating behind their backs! | |||
"The judgement on here is incredible. The OP didn't ask for anyone's opinion on his moral standing. It was a simple question and if you don't agree with his situation surely you should just refuse to help by not answering and move on. Every relationship is different and the only people able to truly judge what works for them and how they should behave are the two people involved in it. We have both been in similar relationships with completely mismatched sex drives and it's bloody difficult. We didn't cheat and managed to end it but that doesn't make us think badly of the OP. It just makes us truly appreciate how lucky we are that we left and found each other. Iagree with leaving and finding your match as thats what i got with john. But the op did not need to say he had been cheating on his wife for 25yrs of hos 30yr marriage either. If he had left that out he would have had a better responce. Swinging is not just about shagging, its about making friendships and connections also as well as great sex. Nothing in the proper swingers ethos is about cheating,its about Consenting to sharing your partner and not cheating behind their backs! " Each to their own | |||
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"What is the proper swingers ethos? " Consensual sex with others. No cheating behind their backs. Even hot wives hubbies know what their mrs is getting up to as there are no secrets. If you are hiding thing things from your partner or playing with out their knowledge that is not consensual it's cheating plain and simple. Swinging lifestyle is not based on cheating. | |||
"There’s a saying, water your garden and see it bloom. "I like this. You get out what you put in  | |||
"There’s a saying, water your garden and see it bloom.
I like this.
You get out what you put in "I'd say this is true in many cases but it should be reciprocated. | |||
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"In reality, anyone on a swinging site is in the same boat... 25 years of cheating is a bit shit, but you have kids and obviously a relationship that works pretty well in many other if not almost all other respects. " I just need to be pedantic and pick up on a couple of things here. 1) We are not in the same boat *at all.* If anything, we are in opposite boats. 2) '...a relationship that works pretty well in many other if not almost all other respects...' No, it doesn't. He has lied to and disrespected his partner - and the mother of his children - for 25 years! Do you think that when she finds out, she'll say, "Well, at least the rest of the relationship was good!"?! The relationship does not work well at all, because it is a sham. A cruel trick played on his partner that is, at the very least, making a complete mockery of her. | |||
"Lots of analysts on here, holy fuck!... The money i could save!! Why do people put love and sex in the same basket all the time. In a relationship it's possible to be perfectly happy with everything about your partner but just not 100% sexually compatible. Men and women have different biology, views and emotional thoughts/needs when it comes to sex. As a rule a man can make love, or just fuck and the two are not the same at all, whereas women tend to want more of an emotional connection involved. Yes it might not be ideal to have a separate love life and sex life or for each to be with a different person but if the relationship is great in every other respect why should it be so bad? While it's not ideal to lie to your partner, only you know her, not any of the psychotherapists on here. Only you know why you haven't told her and only you could predict her response if she found out. Perhaps in your mind you're shielding her from finding that she's not your cup of tea sexually or that she is but with only one sugar whereas you like two. It's in some ways the same thing as shielding her from finding out you can't afford to pay the mortgage, or that you fancy the neighbour, have bisexual thoughts, or from other skeletons in the closet. Amazing that so many swingers seem to have none, despite the number of profiles asking for total discretion. Lol In your head maybe you don't want her to find out there's an area of your relationship that isn't working as it should, perhaps it never will. BUT you're not a monster. Plenty of men have their wife's blessing to fuck other women, some are positively encouraged, even forced to do it, does that make THEIR sex life good or bad? Honestly one partner having to be tied up in a cage and forced to watch their other half being fucked for fun doesn't sound totally healthy, or very loving does it? In reality, anyone on a swinging site is in the same boat as you. They need to involve others to get their fun and i'm all for it but in your case, a husband wanting what the wife can't or won't provide i would say just talk. Calmly, rationally look together at what is and isn't working in your relationship, sex is just one small part. If it needs a tweak maybe you can both work on it, or find a compromise that works. Looks like you have found one without involving her but again, that doesn't make you a monster. It's all about compromise. If she can't give what you want maybe understanding what it is you want and why you want it can help you both. 25 years of cheating is a bit shit, but you have kids and obviously a relationship that works pretty well in many other if not almost all other respects. So think before jumping into anything. Rather than the threat of "what if she's been doing the same to you!" I suspect if she were, you'd probably really get off on that? In short, who knows what works for you both! No one on here that's for sure, because they don't know either of you!! Talking might end up with a broken home or her telling you that you can have extra marital fun but one thing is for sure, the decision to talk or not is yours. Do what works for you but realise that at some point you may be caught and will have to face the music." Not being sexually compatible in a relationship surely would be spoken about between the two so they have an understanding on expectations of one an other. This clearly isn't the case with the OP. He has been totally dishonest and using the fact that he feels its saved his marriage as validation. What about his wife? Where was her choice. There was none because he took that away from her. You can't dress this situation up in the slightest. Cheating weather its in a club and having a one night stand to being on a swingers site claiming to be a swinger when actually he is just fucking about, it's all still cheating and I for one really do feel sorry for his wife. | |||
"In reality, anyone on a swinging site is in the same boat... 25 years of cheating is a bit shit, but you have kids and obviously a relationship that works pretty well in many other if not almost all other respects. I just need to be pedantic and pick up on a couple of things here. 1) We are not in the same boat *at all.* If anything, we are in opposite boats. 2) '...a relationship that works pretty well in many other if not almost all other respects...' No, it doesn't. He has lied to and disrespected his partner - and the mother of his children - for 25 years! Do you think that when she finds out, she'll say, "Well, at least the rest of the relationship was good!"?! The relationship does not work well at all, because it is a sham. A cruel trick played on his partner that is, at the very least, making a complete mockery of her. " Agree totally. | |||
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"I'm sure this topic has been posted before but I'm interested in what you think? I would manly like to hear the girls side of this but also if you guys are in the same boat fire away. So I'm coming upto my 30th wedding anniversary and my wife dosent like sex. I have been swinging for over 25 years and its kept my marriage together (unbeknown to her) I hope I have got my point across and let's start a debate " I don't know the ins and outs of your personal life with her. But I would have walked out of a sexless relationship if my partner makes no effort to fix the problem at the same time refuses to give me her blessings to fulffil my emotional and physical needs elsewhere openly. Living a secret life for that long would have just destroyed me from the inside out. But each to their own as they say. I tried with my ex for years to get her to seek professional help in order to save our relationship but she never did and never felt the need to do it. She faked her orgasms at the begining, then the more she settled in the relationship the less fun I had till it went to zero. She was too selfish to care about my needs and feelings. But I found the strength to end it and move on. Now all she can do is stalking me. Only think I regret looking back is the years I wasted on her trying to make it work. But living a secret life would have made me even less happy inside. | |||
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"Has your wife always alkegedly not enjoyed sex? Do you think there's a possibility she had an idea of your swinging life and therefore feels rejected like she's not enough for you not sexually attractive to you? Have you spoken to someone like a counsellor or a Dr this? Is it possible she is having a healthy sex life, but that you're not aware of it & how would you feel f that were the case? I know that's a lot of questions rather than a not debate, but if it's worked for you both then great but from an outsiders perspective it can't be easy living a secret (i can't actually remember if you said it's a secret from her) from her side imagine how devestated she'd be to find out you'd been cheating for 25yrs (again presuming she doesn't know) From a personal perspective there's times I've gone off sex or when I've had it with my husband it's been more of I know I have to than a want Womens bodies are odd & our hormones from young to old do strange things that effect our sexual appetite & I know during these periods my husband used to buy thing like FHM more often, he'd be on porn sites more (things like that don't usually bother me, I enjoy porn) but during these periods I'd get ratty about it & say thing like well I can't compete with those girls & sex in real life isn't like in the porn films & it Wouk's push me away further & make me treat further meaning we'd go longer without sex Could it be that you and your wife have just gotten into such an unspoken rut? Ultimately if she's not aware of what's going on, it's cheating which I'm guessing if she were to find out it would crush her & that can't be justified by saying it's kept you marriage together for so long, no one would want to know they've been consistently lied to for half their life as if you'd split much earlier you'd possibly both be in happier & sexually healthier relationships by now " this  | |||
