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menopause
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"My wife is going through it. I wouldnt say our sex life has dried up, but pre meno, we were getting into the scene, attending clubs,risky play etc.. and all that has gone. She says she never enjoyed it (this was pre covid, then covid hit, now the meno), the thing is, she did enjoy it (we are open and honest, we did stuff she liked, didnt like, and was meh). When she said 'she never enjoyed the clubs, it floored me. 1. I really enjoyed them,and i mean REALLY and dont want to stop. 2. I dont know where it came from the last time we got in the car after our visit , her first words were 'i really enjoyed that , i felt really comfortable, I cant wait to come again (we then planned our next trip the week lockdown happened). 3. Before we started to experiment, our marriage was in trouble. The experiences re ignited passion and our marriage. One by one,the experiments dropped off (as i said, we spoke honestly, if she was uncomfortable, we stopped) and we just had the clubbing, which we would attend every 3 months. Without it, I honestly dont know what to do now. I dont want to cheat, i wanted to see my wife dress sexily, visit sexy places with my wife, see sexy stuff with my wife, then use all that anticiptation with my wife. Now I cant - i honestly dont know what to do. I obviously cant force her, but it was such a big thing for me. I am praying its the menopause and the urge will return -but how long does it take to know ? Help !!!" If it is menopause you won't know until she's through it. I think you probably need some hard conversations and maybe a visit to an understanding gp  | |||
"My wife is going through it. I wouldnt say our sex life has dried up, but pre meno, we were getting into the scene, attending clubs,risky play etc.. and all that has gone. She says she never enjoyed it (this was pre covid, then covid hit, now the meno), the thing is, she did enjoy it (we are open and honest, we did stuff she liked, didnt like, and was meh). When she said 'she never enjoyed the clubs, it floored me. 1. I really enjoyed them,and i mean REALLY and dont want to stop. 2. I dont know where it came from the last time we got in the car after our visit , her first words were 'i really enjoyed that , i felt really comfortable, I cant wait to come again (we then planned our next trip the week lockdown happened). 3. Before we started to experiment, our marriage was in trouble. The experiences re ignited passion and our marriage. One by one,the experiments dropped off (as i said, we spoke honestly, if she was uncomfortable, we stopped) and we just had the clubbing, which we would attend every 3 months. Without it, I honestly dont know what to do now. I dont want to cheat, i wanted to see my wife dress sexily, visit sexy places with my wife, see sexy stuff with my wife, then use all that anticiptation with my wife. Now I cant - i honestly dont know what to do. I obviously cant force her, but it was such a big thing for me. I am praying its the menopause and the urge will return -but how long does it take to know ? Help !!!" If she said she really didn't enjoy it, why do you think otherwise? | |||
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"Because we had always been honest. We tried one club, she said she didnt like the venue. We tried another, we, and i mean we, had a great time, and it was her on the way home, looking at the diary planning our next trip. I agree with the lady above,I think we are going to have to have a long talk, but i dont see it going well so dont know the answer. " I think given that you both need different things compromise might be difficult. | |||
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"How I feel about it ? - I am truly gutted. After years of our marriage going stale, we had a heart to heart and agreed we needed to try to spice things up. As everyone, life, kids, work made it a very dull existance and i was truly unhappy. In 2016 we ventured, trying all sorts - dogging, flashing truck drivers, naughty play where we shouldn't (hotel saunas etc..) , her dressing sexily at normal bars (not near home) but we both felt uncomfortable, worried someone would complain. One by one they went, and I eventually suggested a club. We visited one a few times, she dressed very sexy, we had an ok time, but the venue didnt suit us (music not our taste, quite in your face etc). We then tried 'Atlantis Evolution and from ghe minute we got there it was fantastic - for both of us. We danced, we drank, we chatted, we watched a bit of porn, we took in the sexy atmosphere, then we had fun privately ourselves. Before that, two very sexy women were making outand as that is my wifes thing, she got very horny, tried to watch, but said she couldn't. We went back to the bar, and she admitted she felt like she was intruding. We finished the night, ldft, got in the car, and she said, without prompt, she wished now she had been braver - i said, never mind, there will be plenty of other times, and she started looking fir dates. We pencilled in one for March 2020 - but obviously lockdown happened. Then, on me suggesting last month about going back, she dropped the bombshell she doesnt want to go back, and said 'i enjoyed the place, and if there wasnt the sex element, and it was just a bar, i thought it was great, but i never liked going and was always uncomfortable. That just doesn't match what happened and thats why i struggle to understand. Going forward - what do i want. Its like I have opened Pandoras Box, I do not want to stop going, and I certainly dont want to go back to how we were - which is what is happening. The truth is (and I know this is wrong and will not end well), I am tempted to offer an ultimatum. We either go together, we have an open relationship - and we are free to do what we want (as i dont want to cheat behind her back) or we end it. After 30yrs of marriage, thats a big decision - but i dont think she understands what it means to me, but, I understand it can only be her choice, and i cannot force - total stalemate !" I don't know you or her so I couldn't judge if I wanted to. If you honestly don't want to continue as you are taking into consideration everything you've experienced as a couple over 30 years then it's probably wise that you do split. Don't issue an ultimatum though because that implies that it's all her fault. Menopause is NOT and never will be a woman's fault. Have you considered that what you thought she felt wasn't really what she felt and she was just trying to keep you happy to keep your marriage together? | |||
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"Yes I have, which, to be honest,is even worse, as it means all the good times we had (and we had some great times) were just false. Breaking up would destroy our family, but i think it is a massive possibility. And how could I confide in family about why - "i am splitting from your mom coz our sex life is crap". I honestly feel trapped, knowing whatever I do, it will end in heartbreak" Well you don't need to tell people that your sex life is crap. Have the talk, make your decision and good luck to you both. I will say one thing though. Love without sex is possible and you can be happy. Sex without love is possible and you can be happy. Life without either is possible but you probably won't be happy. Out of interest do you think your wife is happy? | |||
"Yes I have, which, to be honest,is even worse, as it means all the good times we had (and we had some great times) were just false. Breaking up would destroy our family, but i think it is a massive possibility. And how could I confide in family about why - "i am splitting from your mom coz our sex life is crap". I honestly feel trapped, knowing whatever I do, it will end in heartbreak" I really feel for you OP, I know someone in exactly your situation, he's now living a lie, "to see how it goes", as like you doesn't want to destroy his family. Ultimately it will cost him and make him very unhappy, which ever way he goes, but living a lie is a whole lot worse and never works in the end. I understand your dilemma having stayed in a situation for the "family" previously. I wish you peace of mind and courage OP, the ultimate decision is never easy. | |||
"How I feel about it ? - I am truly gutted. After years of our marriage going stale, we had a heart to heart and agreed we needed to try to spice things up. As everyone, life, kids, work made it a very dull existance and i was truly unhappy. In 2016 we ventured, trying all sorts - dogging, flashing truck drivers, naughty play where we shouldn't (hotel saunas etc..) , her dressing sexily at normal bars (not near home) but we both felt uncomfortable, worried someone would complain. One by one they went, and I eventually suggested a club. We visited one a few times, she dressed very sexy, we had an ok time, but the venue didnt suit us (music not our taste, quite in your face etc). We then tried 'Atlantis Evolution and from ghe minute we got there it was fantastic - for both of us. We danced, we drank, we chatted, we watched a bit of porn, we took in the sexy atmosphere, then we had fun privately ourselves. Before that, two very sexy women were making outand as that is my wifes thing, she got very horny, tried to watch, but said she couldn't. We went back to the bar, and she admitted she felt like she was intruding. We finished the night, ldft, got in the car, and she said, without prompt, she wished now she had been braver - i said, never mind, there will be plenty of other times, and she started looking fir dates. We pencilled in one for March 2020 - but obviously lockdown happened. Then, on me suggesting last month about going back, she dropped the bombshell she doesnt want to go back, and said 'i enjoyed the place, and if there wasnt the sex element, and it was just a bar, i thought it was great, but i never liked going and was always uncomfortable. That just doesn't match what happened and thats why i struggle to understand. Going forward - what do i want. Its like I have opened Pandoras Box, I do not want to stop going, and I certainly dont want to go back to how we were - which is what is happening. The truth is (and I know this is wrong and will not end well), I am tempted to offer an ultimatum. We either go together, we have an open relationship - and we are free to do what we want (as i dont want to cheat behind her back) or we end it. After 30yrs of marriage, thats a big decision - but i dont think she understands what it means to me, but, I understand it can only be her choice, and i cannot force - total stalemate ! I don't know you or her so I couldn't judge if I wanted to. If you honestly don't want to continue as you are taking into consideration everything you've experienced as a couple over 30 years then it's probably wise that you do split. Don't issue an ultimatum though because that implies that it's all her fault. Menopause is NOT and never will be a woman's fault. Have you considered that what you thought she felt wasn't really what she felt and she was just trying to keep you happy to keep your marriage together?" I totally agree with this lady on this one. It sounds to me very much like she didn't want your marriage to end so therfore did these things and said she loved it because if she didn't then problems would appear again..and now that this is happening she feels safe telling you now how she really felt..which is heart breaking for you because had you know she felt like this then you would have most likely said OK...no more, menopause is something all women. Go through and as harsh as it sounds you would have at some point be expecting it and in this case you feel like throwing the towel in...if you want cold hard facts then I suggest that you put your desires aside for now and support your wife. Women don't open up easily so she is possibly going through hell and back herself, and will 100% blame herself for your marriage going down the drain and that will be horrendous for her..and in top of everything else she will be going through mentally and physically. She needs you now more than ever. | |||
"One for mainly the ladies I guess. This is my profile but my amazing wife and I have a couples profile. Due to reasons we don’t need to go into at the mo we stopped meeting together about 3 years ago. We have since discovered that she, at a relatively early age is going through the menopause. Sex drive is more or less gone. She seems to think it will come back and we can pick up from where we left off . Ladies who have been here - did you loose your mojo the have it come back itself ? If so how long did it take or did you go to the doctor about it? Any advice would be great and feel free to message me directly if you’d rather not post on here as I know it can be a sensitive subject Cheers x " My misse is the same hence why I’m here | |||
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"Hi everyone. It’s been really interesting reading through everyone’s thoughts, advice and thanks to the ladies who have reached out for chats.. it’s very much appreciated. Just to clarify the OP is me and I’m certainly in no way looking to break up with my amazing wife just wondering how others have recovered sexually after this rubbish period of life. X " I’m there now. Identifying my vitamin deficiencies and getting on top of them made a huge difference to the way I feel, including my sex drive. My partner treats me like sex on legs, which helps so much. Little things like splurging on lingerie really helped shift the way I felt about myself and was really good for my sex drive. Maybe look at a boudoir photo shoot for her? Anything you can do to boost her confidence in the body she has now is good. | |||
"Hi everyone. It’s been really interesting reading through everyone’s thoughts, advice and thanks to the ladies who have reached out for chats.. it’s very much appreciated. Just to clarify the OP is me and I’m certainly in no way looking to break up with my amazing wife just wondering how others have recovered sexually after this rubbish period of life. X " I think understanding that things are different goes a very long way. Making it easy for her to talk, ask questions about how it's affected her and honesty about how it's affecting you, how you can work together to create a new, different but equally satisfying sex life together. Post menopause most women are different. They need more time, more foreplay, more lube, more everything  . If sex is painful, difficult or uncomfortable it can cause a person to be reluctant but if you can communicate find ways round it and enjoy sexual activity even if there are limits that weren't there before it can make a world of difference to both partners.  | |||
"Yes I have, which, to be honest,is even worse, as it means all the good times we had (and we had some great times) were just false. Breaking up would destroy our family, but i think it is a massive possibility. And how could I confide in family about why - "i am splitting from your mom coz our sex life is crap". I honestly feel trapped, knowing whatever I do, it will end in heartbreak" I would recommend relationship counselling if only to improve communication between you. It would be a tragedy to end a 30 year marriage without trying to save it. | |||
"Yes I have, which, to be honest,is even worse, as it means all the good times we had (and we had some great times) were just false. Breaking up would destroy our family, but i think it is a massive possibility. And how could I confide in family about why - "i am splitting from your mom coz our sex life is crap". I honestly feel trapped, knowing whatever I do, it will end in heartbreak Well you don't need to tell people that your sex life is crap. Have the talk, make your decision and good luck to you both. I will say one thing though. Love without sex is possible and you can be happy. Sex without love is possible and you can be happy. Life without either is possible but you probably won't be happy. Out of interest do you think your wife is happy? " What isn't possible is intimacy without trust. As long as you have trust in all areas of your marriage (not just fidelity) then the intimacy will return with a little effort. If the trust is gone, the relationship is gone. | |||
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"Yes I have, which, to be honest,is even worse, as it means all the good times we had (and we had some great times) were just false. Breaking up would destroy our family, but i think it is a massive possibility. And how could I confide in family about why - "i am splitting from your mom coz our sex life is crap". I honestly feel trapped, knowing whatever I do, it will end in heartbreak" Don't destroy your family. It's worth more than sex, and I'm sure your marriage is more than just sex too, the way you are talking. Others will put sex first and equate happiness with it, and leave. But I sense you're like me and your family mean everything so you'd never forgive yourself. In time your wife and you will hopefully find a way to manage each other's needs or allow each other the freedom to have them met whilst still putting family first. My wife had physical and mental health issues after our son was born which impacted her desire, self-esteem, and capacity for sex long term. It was hard for a number of years, but in time we found a new understanding between us. The 'joy' we both get from our son and the joy he gets from having two parents together has been far more important than our own desires or lack of them. | |||
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"How I feel about it ? - I am truly gutted. After years of our marriage going stale, we had a heart to heart and agreed we needed to try to spice things up. As everyone, life, kids, work made it a very dull existance and i was truly unhappy. In 2016 we ventured, trying all sorts - dogging, flashing truck drivers, naughty play where we shouldn't (hotel saunas etc..) , her dressing sexily at normal bars (not near home) but we both felt uncomfortable, worried someone would complain. One by one they went, and I eventually suggested a club. We visited one a few times, she dressed very sexy, we had an ok time, but the venue didnt suit us (music not our taste, quite in your face etc). We then tried 'Atlantis Evolution and from ghe minute we got there it was fantastic - for both of us. We danced, we drank, we chatted, we watched a bit of porn, we took in the sexy atmosphere, then we had fun privately ourselves. Before that, two very sexy women were making outand as that is my wifes thing, she got very horny, tried to watch, but said she couldn't. We went back to the bar, and she admitted she felt like she was intruding. We finished the night, ldft, got in the car, and she said, without prompt, she wished now she had been braver - i said, never mind, there will be plenty of other times, and she started looking fir dates. We pencilled in one for March 2020 - but obviously lockdown happened. Then, on me suggesting last month about going back, she dropped the bombshell she doesnt want to go back, and said 'i enjoyed the place, and if there wasnt the sex element, and it was just a bar, i thought it was great, but i never liked going and was always uncomfortable. That just doesn't match what happened and thats why i struggle to understand. Going forward - what do i want. Its like I have opened Pandoras Box, I do not want to stop going, and I certainly dont want to go back to how we were - which is what is happening. The truth is (and I know this is wrong and will not end well), I am tempted to offer an ultimatum. We either go together, we have an open relationship - and we are free to do what we want (as i dont want to cheat behind her back) or we end it. After 30yrs of marriage, thats a big decision - but i dont think she understands what it means to me, but, I understand it can only be her choice, and i cannot force - total stalemate ! I don't know you or her so I couldn't judge if I wanted to. If you honestly don't want to continue as you are taking into consideration everything you've experienced as a couple over 30 years then it's probably wise that you do split. Don't issue an ultimatum though because that implies that it's all her fault. Menopause is NOT and never will be a woman's fault. Have you considered that what you thought she felt wasn't really what she felt and she was just trying to keep you happy to keep your marriage together? I totally agree with this lady on this one. It sounds to me very much like she didn't want your marriage to end so therfore did these things and said she loved it because if she didn't then problems would appear again..and now that this is happening she feels safe telling you now how she really felt..which is heart breaking for you because had you know she felt like this then you would have most likely said OK...no more, menopause is something all women. Go through and as harsh as it sounds you would have at some point be expecting it and in this case you feel like throwing the towel in...if you want cold hard facts then I suggest that you put your desires aside for now and support your wife. Women don't open up easily so she is possibly going through hell and back herself, and will 100% blame herself for your marriage going down the drain and that will be horrendous for her..and in top of everything else she will be going through mentally and physically. She needs you now more than ever." | |||
