FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > Is discretion possible?
Is discretion possible?
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Advice please.
We are a professional couple looking for occasional fun with a unicorn, love the idea of spoiling someone every now and again. Or a fun couple.
But due to our work we need to be discreet, we will share face pics once we have spoken for a while and built some trust.
But everything we message someone, they immediately ask for face pic, once we explain we can't, they call us fake and block us.
Which makes no sense as if we were fake we could send any random picture.
Are we wasting our time on here, any advice gratefully received.
T&K XXX |
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Personally I don’t see someone asking for a face pic if you’ve messaged them first is an unreasonable request as people like to be able to put a face to body parts (well I know I do anyway).
You can always delete the photos from the message once you’ve seen they’ve read it. Understand the need for discretion due to work but at the same time this isn’t blind date. How do you know if you’re attracted to someone without seeing their face? |
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Everyone has jobs, families etc. We're all here for the same reason.
I'd say, trust your gut. If you're getting good vibes from a convo then go with that.
I understand people eating face pics. I wouldn't call you fake for not delivering, it just makes it hard to establish connection and trust. There's nothing quite like looking someone in the eye.
We see little point spending hours, days, weeks, whatever, building up something blind. We have all sorts of friends on here, some we play with, others we don't. We still put faces to names. It's part of connecting with people.
C |
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Don't send face pictures until you're good and ready. You could offer to cam briefly (although that can be recorded) or meet for a quick coffee to verify what you look like. Don't feel obliged to do anything you don't want to |
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By *dd_soxMan
over a year ago
Suffolk |
Some of the best sex I've had is with people who weren't at the front of the looks queue. And some of the worst is with people who were. I'm no Adonis, so I don't expect everyone to be an Aphrodite |
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there is no easy answer to the face pic problem if you see a profile e.g. couple you like the sound of and they want face pics and they have verifications you can read then they are normally ok its the ones with no pics and hidden veri's that can be dodgy so safer to move on to find another couple,,, |
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I also have a job and don’t particularly want the world knowing who my pics are… however I’m well verified so expect a face picture.
For me, this site is based on attraction and no point continuing convo without face pics.
I’d absolutely encourage you not to do anything your not comfortable with, once it’s out there, it’s out there! but I’d definitely block on that basis.
I’d not be sending face pics out to every profile and not verified people, but would to profiles who’ve made an effort and are well verified x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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In all honesty I am someone who asks for and sends face pics straight away. I'm on here to have fun with people I find attractive, and there is nothing more gutting for me than getting one well with someone, then finding out I'm just not attracted to them  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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In short it's hard to get meets with Unicorns because they are in big demand and not many of them. So they can call the shots.
The easy way to get other Women is to meet Couples. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think you'll run into this problem a lot. Most people want to see if there is any level of attraction before continuing the conversation, if there is no attraction then pursuing getting to know each other might become redundant.
Obviously you're not obligated to do anything you're not comfortable with. But most on here are discreet. The vast majority of members have either professional jobs, unaware families, unaware friends, or unware partners. So generally what goes on here people keep to themselves. Xx |
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In all honesty total discretion isn't possible. You can never be certain that the knowledge of you being swingers won't get out.
You're probably best going to a larger social event. If you see anyone who you recognise you can escape before they see you or just claim that you're out for a drink and started chatting.
That'll also get you a couple of verifications that you can show; having one hidden one is a tactic used by single men who verify their own fake couples profile.
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By *CLeedsCouple
over a year ago
Leeds |
A social or a club are probably your best bet.
You immediately overcome the "are they fake" question. Everyone can see if the attraction is there straight away. We're all there for the same reason and 99% of us will be looking for discretion as well. If you do get unlucky and meet a 1%er, phones are generally prohibited and so you shouldn't need to worry about compromising images. |
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By *eerobCouple
over a year ago
solihull |
We never send out face pucs..met lotscof lovely people refardless of this. We put on our profile no face pics..we dont ask for them either but often someone get the hump because they send us one...which we didn't ask for, and we dont return it.
You'll still get meets without face pics |
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Would it make a difference to you if the person you messaged lived a distance away from you? I’m a lot more discreet with ladies who I message closer by than I am with those further away! And only send pics when I’m ready to, unfortunately if someone has a prob with that then I’m not for them! I guess it’s our profiles so our choice! Def go with your gut! Happy fabbing  |
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People won't want to chat and build a chemistry with someone that could well be a fake or also that they may not have a sexual chemistry for
I'd suggest visiting a club chatting face to face with someone is much easier & if you were recognised, well everyone was there for the sane reason I can't imagine anyone outing you |
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Everyone deserves discretion, not just those who think themselves "professional", "public facing" or super important.
We have met people without seeing a face (makes finding them in a crowded pub super exciting!). Our minimum is a body picture, because that's the bit that needs to fit our personal preferences. But really if you can't agree with someone over sharing a face picture then you are unlikely to agree with them on more important preferences and tastes.
If you do want to share a face picture but are a bit worried about privacy, I would suggest taking a head only photo with no identifiable background, shrinking the photo so it is pretty small and making it a teeny bit blurry. Then never publish the photo anywhere but here. That way they can get an idea of what you look like but would be unlikely to be able to identify you with certainty as identifying features wouldn't be clear enough. They can't do a reverse image search because it's not used elsewhere on the internet and the picture is too vague for automated facial recognition. Finally because it's a head only picture it won't end up on a porn site or risk you being outed. - not entirely without risk, but good enough that you can confidently tell a work colleague or family member that the picture isn't of you. |
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By *issmorganWoman
over a year ago
Calderdale innit |
You're not wasting time, but It will make it harder for you I would think.
I wouldn't on this account, or my couple profile spend ages chatting only to find no attraction, when someone finally sends a face pic.
We all have jobs and lives and I think it's a chance you have to take sometimes. |
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"Advice please.
We are a professional couple looking for occasional fun with a unicorn, love the idea of spoiling someone every now and again. Or a fun couple.
But due to our work we need to be discreet, we will share face pics once we have spoken for a while and built some trust.
But everything we message someone, they immediately ask for face pic, once we explain we can't, they call us fake and block us.
Which makes no sense as if we were fake we could send any random picture.
Are we wasting our time on here, any advice gratefully received.
T&K XXX"
You are completely entitled to use fab any way you please.
But as a couple who dont hide their faces, we wouldnt entertain talking to people who dont want to show us theirs very early on.
The argument of "building up trust" holds no water any more than you argue you could send a fake pic. You're talking to complete strangers over the internet. They're either telling the truth or they are not.
The reality of the situation is, it's all based on initial attraction. Most people on the site have better things to do than play message ping pong with people just to find put what you look like. How long does it take for that trust to be there for you? They dont know so why spend hours or even days talking to you just to finally get a photo and realize they're not into you?
Some people just dont want to invest that sort of time into something that important. Do.they fancy you, yes or no? After that it's how you gel with personalities. You can be the most wonderful couple in the world but if they dont find you attractive, they are not going to meet. Simple.
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By *ynecplCouple
over a year ago
Newcastle upon Tyne |
You are entitled operate on Fab how you chose but so are those you message. If you are getting the same request time and time again that should tell you that either your approach needs to change or that Fab is not for you.
If you are happy to swap face photos later on what does it matter whether it is early on in the conversation after all you have no idea if the total stranger you are messaging is genuine or not until you have actual met them in person. There are some very skilled operators on here who can appear genuine until almost at the end.
We will always ask for a face photo early on and if we are told no then we will end the conversation.
The face photo is just part of our process of ensuring people are genuine but it is the first step and to us an important one. |
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I’ve wasted my time chatting to people who then sent me a face pic and I wasn’t interested. I wouldn’t do it again, i want to see upfront who I’m talking.
I don’t find secrecy and the ‘we can’t because of our jobs’ excuse attractive. We’re all equal on here, no one is better than anyone else. I could just as easily share your picture after the first message as I could after 2 weeks of messaging if I wanted to. If I was that kind of person then extra time won’t change it. |
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By *arl17Man
over a year ago
Central Portugal |
"Don't send face pictures until you're good and ready. You could offer to cam briefly (although that can be recorded) or meet for a quick coffee to verify what you look like. Don't feel obliged to do anything you don't want to"
Good advice  |
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Having had some images showing our faces misused by a guy from another site many years ago, we learned never to show our faces on sites like whether in pics or video.
If someone we're chatting to wants to be sure we're a real couple before meeting, we can do that easily on cam/phone without showing our faces. That's our rule and we don't make exceptions for anyone. If that puts some guys off, that's fine and is entirely their prerogative.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think face pics are important to a degree but not needed straight away. Before meeting though. Wouldn't want to drive 50 miles to be confronted by a camel's arse! Some people on here might think "oh well, fuck it! Driven all this way" lol
More important is the ability to chat. I'd like to talk a bit, then chat over the phone. In my book, If they can't speak on the phone, they're probably just messing about. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Some of the best sex I've had is with people who weren't at the front of the looks queue. And some of the worst is with people who were. I'm no Adonis, so I don't expect everyone to be an Aphrodite "
nailed it! |
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By *lan157Man
over a year ago
a village near Haywards Heath in East Sussex |
OP I would urge you to consider these references to how " busy you are" . Some would take this to mean " We are to busy to respond to correspondence and will often have to cancel arranged meets or find it hard to find time to meet in the first place " .. Neither of which will endear you to people on Fab I suggest. Everyone has busy lives . |
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"In our opinion you may do a little better if you got rid of the that self proclaimed professional nonsense. Swinging isn't a profession and we tend to avoid when we come across it."
Thank you - done |
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"OP I would urge you to consider these references to how " busy you are" . Some would take this to mean " We are to busy to respond to correspondence and will often have to cancel arranged meets or find it hard to find time to meet in the first place " .. Neither of which will endear you to people on Fab I suggest. Everyone has busy lives . "
Thank you- done. |
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You could always move the face ic to something like Snapchat, just take a normal snap that you would to anyone. That way there's nothing linking you to the lifestyle. It's just a harmless Snapchat pic sent |
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"You could always move the face ic to something like Snapchat, just take a normal snap that you would to anyone. That way there's nothing linking you to the lifestyle. It's just a harmless Snapchat pic sent "
Face pic** |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Some people do have jobs which would be terminated should their picture be leaked out and linked with an account on here.
If the site is hacked and a 50 yr old head mistress had asked for a 22 yr old to come and fuck her then that job is over and social life in tatters.
Remember that any photo you send is permanently on line. All apps can be screenshot and your privacy compromised.
It's a matter of choice but you have to live with the consequences either way. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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" You are completely entitled to use fab any way you please.
But as a couple who dont hide their faces, we wouldnt entertain talking to people who dont want to show us theirs very early on.
The argument of "building up trust" holds no water any more than you argue you could send a fake pic. You're talking to complete strangers over the internet. They're either telling the truth or they are not.
The reality of the situation is, it's all based on initial attraction. Most people on the site have better things to do than play message ping pong with people just to find put what you look like. How long does it take for that trust to be there for you? They dont know so why spend hours or even days talking to you just to finally get a photo and realize they're not into you?
Some people just dont want to invest that sort of time into something that important. Do.they fancy you, yes or no? After that it's how you gel with personalities. You can be the most wonderful couple in the world but if they dont find you attractive, they are not going to meet. Simple.
"
100% this ... spot on...
does worry me when guys say the pic dont matter seem like its back to those who dont care who they are fucking as long as there dick is wet ... total turn off..
so op id suggest what others have said clubs and social where your in person rather than just a pic... |
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Interesting post. I understand limiting who see’s your face pic. However not ever sending one is seriously going dent your chances of meeting.
You can send it then remove it from the message once it’s been seen. That might be the compromise. |
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We had the exact same concern when we joined but as we browsed and spoke with people we quickly learnt to spot the ones with verifications against those without any, we now don't have a problem sharing face pics with anyone who comes across as genuine even if we don't have any intention of playing with them. And we have also have jobs, young family and the other 100 reasons to remain discreet.
Quite frankly it is a bit of an insult when someone says we cannot share photos due to our jobs or family, that applies to most here already.
Of course we won't plaster our faces but those who come across as 'cagey' are an instant turn off, we just can't connect with them, first impressions count right. We would rather meet and play with someone who comes across as genuine and open.
Oh and we simply don't share any face pics with someone who isn't at least photo verified.
Hope you will get over your initial hesitation, totally get where you are coming from x we were there just few weeks ago.
Our final thoughts on this is to see what we are doing here as lifestyle not a crime !! We want to keep things discreet but not hide it, there is a deep meaning behind that statement. Xx |
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"Personally I don’t see someone asking for a face pic if you’ve messaged them first is an unreasonable request as people like to be able to put a face to body parts (well I know I do anyway).
You can always delete the photos from the message once you’ve seen they’ve read it. Understand the need for discretion due to work but at the same time this isn’t blind date. How do you know if you’re attracted to someone without seeing their face? "
Once you send a face image it can be copied and used in any way the recipient sees fit within seconds and you can't prevent that. We've been on the receiving end of this and learned that lesson a long time ago.
We never play on a first meeting so always leave the face thing for our social meetings after we've chatted and got to know the guy a bit. That process has never let us down and we won't change it for anyone.
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"Some people do have jobs which would be terminated should their picture be leaked out and linked with an account on here.
If the site is hacked and a 50 yr old head mistress had asked for a 22 yr old to come and fuck her then that job is over and social life in tatters.
Remember that any photo you send is permanently on line. All apps can be screenshot and your privacy compromised.
It's a matter of choice but you have to live with the consequences either way."
Correct. The number of people who don't seem to appreciate this is staggering and there are lots of picture collectors around.
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Perfectly entitled to do things as you please but so are others, for us we would never meet without seeing face pictures as mutual attraction is paramount. There’s always something for everyone and if others you message want to see a face picture first then they are quite ok to ignore or block as that is their preference |
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"Some people do have jobs which would be terminated should their picture be leaked out and linked with an account on here.
If the site is hacked and a 50 yr old head mistress had asked for a 22 yr old to come and fuck her then that job is over and social life in tatters.
Remember that any photo you send is permanently on line. All apps can be screenshot and your privacy compromised.
It's a matter of choice but you have to live with the consequences either way.
Correct. The number of people who don't seem to appreciate this is staggering and there are lots of picture collectors around.
"
Agreed. |
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By *dwalu2Couple
over a year ago
Bristol |
"In all honesty I am someone who asks for and sends face pics straight away. I'm on here to have fun with people I find attractive, and there is nothing more gutting for me than getting one well with someone, then finding out I'm just not attracted to them "
Yes, much better to find out sooner than later. |
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By *ammanMan
over a year ago
Tamworth |
Apologies if this has been suggested above (too many to read each and every one)
But how about going to a club one night.
No pictures required.
Or suggest meeting at a club because your discression requires no pictures.
That way the other couple isn't being led on by a fake profile and if you don't feel the spark when you meet. Then no problems. Your all in a club. |
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"Apologies if this has been suggested above (too many to read each and every one)
But how about going to a club one night.
No pictures required.
Or suggest meeting at a club because your discression requires no pictures.
That way the other couple isn't being led on by a fake profile and if you don't feel the spark when you meet. Then no problems. Your all in a club."
This is what we do, we go to a club if anyone has us on their hotlist then our meet at club will show up on their updates and they can decide whether they want a night out or not.
If you are going to send face pics I would recommend sending a pic in which you don't use the same background and clothing as you do on your ruder/sex pics.
This way if they are pic collectors or worse people who wish to out or blackm@il others you can simply brush it of as someone who has took a picture from your online social media and associated it with another person's naked pics.
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I know exactly what you mean about sending pics. If any pictures can be uploaded to the profile what is there to say it is not of someone else. Only way around it is via Skype or similar and lots don't want to do that either. Still can copy images and post them so no discretion - suggestions? |
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"I know exactly what you mean about sending pics. If any pictures can be uploaded to the profile what is there to say it is not of someone else. Only way around it is via Skype or similar and lots don't want to do that either. Still can copy images and post them so no discretion - suggestions?"
If you must see someone's face the only way to be sure is via video link.
We only meet guys we like enough to do so based on their personality over the period we've chatted and got to know them. We then meet them socially and at that point see eachother's faces but by that time we're obviously already attracted by their personality so their face is secondary. In the event that either party is put off from wanting anything physical, well there's no expectation of that happening anyway at a social only meeting so you just enjoy your evening and part as friends who won't play. Where's the loss in that unless the main aim is to have sex with someone you've never met the first time you see them and you're basing everything on a few chats and pics exchanged? Horses for courses. |
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"But due to our work we need to be discreet, we will share face pics once we have spoken for a while and built some trust. "
Why is your job or need for discretion any more important than the people you’re talking with? There is huge amount of trust required for everyone.
We almost always send a face photo with our first message, or very shortly after. While there is more to attraction for us than just a face, we understand that not everyone thinks the same way. It saves wasting everyone’s time.
"But everything we message someone, they immediately ask for face pic, once we explain we can't, they call us fake and block us. "
If we asked for a face photo and it was declined, we would most likely stop there and then, unless an alternative was offered, such as a video call. I’m not saying you or anyone else who acts as you do is a fake, but this isn’t blind date.
"Are we wasting our time on here, any advice gratefully received. "
I would say you’re wasting your time, but you are certainly going to have to work harder and accept that your opportunities to meet are greatly reduced. Advice? Learn to trust more, do your due diligence, or… go to clubs. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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We won't send a pic to someone who isn't fab verified. And would think it strange if someone didn't want to send a pic of themselves,definite red flag, fake. |
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"
If you are going to send face pics I would recommend sending a pic in which you don't use the same background and clothing as you do on your ruder/sex pics.
This way if they are pic collectors or worse people who wish to out or blackm@il others you can simply brush it of as someone who has took a picture from your online social media and associated it with another person's naked pics.
"
Yes, faces or other identifying features shown on graphic images are a very bad idea and they could turn up anywhere at any time. |
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"In our opinion you may do a little better if you got rid of the that self proclaimed professional nonsense. Swinging isn't a profession and we tend to avoid when we come across it."
Lmao Professionals mingling with us commoners |
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By *mmixtapeCouple
over a year ago
middle earth |
"In all honesty I am someone who asks for and sends face pics straight away. I'm on here to have fun with people I find attractive, and there is nothing more gutting for me than getting one well with someone, then finding out I'm just not attracted to them "
This for us |
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By *mmixtapeCouple
over a year ago
middle earth |
"In our opinion you may do a little better if you got rid of the that self proclaimed professional nonsense. Swinging isn't a profession and we tend to avoid when we come across it. Lmao Professionals mingling with us commoners "
Always makes me giggle as well |
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Personally if you wanted a relationship you would have to invest your time so I dont see the problem with investing time to get to know as much as you can before you decide if you are willing to put your face online. Verifications if checked throughly including the verifications of those they have come from is a start but yes there are a lot of time wasters on here.
I would also be aware that some problems come after you have met people and they end up wanting more than you are willing to give and then they try to compromise you.
But if you dont want to take any risk then swinging may not be fore you, all life comes with a little risk but the rewards on here can be huge !!!! |
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By *aresseTV/TS
over a year ago
Liverpool |
"Advice please.
We are a professional couple looking for occasional fun with a unicorn, love the idea of spoiling someone every now and again. Or a fun couple.
But due to our work we need to be discreet, we will share face pics once we have spoken for a while and built some trust.
But everything we message someone, they immediately ask for face pic, once we explain we can't, they call us fake and block us.
Which makes no sense as if we were fake we could send any random picture.
Are we wasting our time on here, any advice gratefully received.
T&K XXX"
Sorry to chip in here and this is just a knee-jerk suggestion which may be flawed so feel free to ignore it – why not set up a Flickr account with normal pictures of you clothed so that people can see your faces. So then you send a link to that in any messages. If anyone from your “every day” world were to spot the pictures somewhere then there is nothing wrong with that as plenty of people have pics on Flickr . If your everyday world and your fab world collide somehow, then you could just claim that your perfectly normal picture had been hacked and used by someone else . I hope that makes sense as I’m not sure I have explained it very well and no doubt there is a flaw in that suggestion but there it is |
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By *ubal1Man
over a year ago
Newry Down |
"Discretion is the better part of valour."
Sir John Falstaff's quote from Henry IV: Part 1, Act V, Scene 4 by the bard himself, William Shakespeare.
Social mores have changed radically since the bard's time, but swinging still attracts social stigma. It is not a mainstream activity that is openly practised. The best way (in my opinion) to test whether any chemistry exists is a social meet, either at a club or a meet and greet, or via social media.
Face pics leave one 'exposed'; not everyone can be trusted, even after a lengthy period of contact. |
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"In our opinion you may do a little better if you got rid of the that self proclaimed professional nonsense. Swinging isn't a profession and we tend to avoid when we come across it. Lmao Professionals mingling with us commoners "
Good point, well made, cringy, thing we might start writing The Idiots Guide to Swinging made a few gaffs on here.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Personally I'm past the point in my life where I give a toss whether people know what we do or not. I don't talk about it openly with people but if a friend asked I wouldn't lie. Debs is more cautious and its usually her who sorts out the photos we put on here. We wouldn't meet anyone we hadn't seen a face pic of though because there needs to be an attraction and we would find it odd that people would want to meet us blind too. But each to their own we judge nobody. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I am the same bcos of my profession (teacher)I need to get to know some1 1st before face pic and some ppl just don't want to know but I do send them once trust is built |
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"I am the same bcos of my profession (teacher)I need to get to know some1 1st before face pic and some ppl just don't want to know but I do send them once trust is built "
Most people have jobs though… why would I (or anyone) want to get to know someone when they might not be attracted too them?
Don’t see the point at all lol.
( Of course only to genuine and verified profiles  ) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Do what's right for you. I never send my face pictures ir ask for them. I always meet for social first. Had a couple of people who didn't want to meet for social without seeing my face pic and having my phone number, but majority were happy to meet. |
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To be honest it’s up to you both, I find though people can be very pushy, about face pictures and privacy, so my new plan is just to have my face pictures planted everywhere on my profile. And no “sexy” pictures of myself |
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why not set up a Flickr account with normal pictures of you clothed so that people can see your faces. So then you send a link to that in any messages. If anyone from your “every day” world were to spot the pictures somewhere then there is nothing wrong with that as plenty of people have pics on Flickr . If your everyday world and your fab world collide somehow, then you could just claim that your perfectly normal picture had been hacked and used by someone else . I hope that makes sense as I’m not sure I have explained it very well and no doubt there is a flaw in that suggestion but there it is"
This and the advice about making sure naughty & safe pictures don’t share the same background sounds like an ideal solution.
Stag |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You have to do this your way but remember that everyone else is also doing it theirs.
I see no point in chatting to someone I might not fancy so I like to see what they look like early on.
If that’s a problem for you then stick to your guns but understand why people aren’t interested when there’s plenty who are happy to reveal themselves. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I am the same bcos of my profession (teacher)I need to get to know some1 1st before face pic and some ppl just don't want to know but I do send them once trust is built
Most people have jobs though… why would I (or anyone) want to get to know someone when they might not be attracted too them?
Don’t see the point at all lol.
( Of course only to genuine and verified profiles ) "
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