FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > Invitation to play?

Invitation to play?

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Hi, I need to post an AITA (am I the a**hole?) thread. Sorry in advance for the long post

So, I was in a swingers club last weekend happily playing with a guy, I left the door unlocked.

I need to preface this a little that I started on the club scene around a decade ago and noted fairly early on that leaving something unlocked means that others can come in and watch.

Has this changed or was it ever the case?

The reason I ask, is because a male came into the room, locked the door behind him and instead of asking to play, shoved his dick in my face.

Not wishing to ruin the moment, I partially involved the new male into our playtime as I was on my knees and giving a blow job at the time.

The original male and I maneuvered ourself so we could continue into having sex, where the new male tried to shuffle in and take the reins. I specifically told him at that point he would not be f*cking me and that he could leave.

He stayed in the room and placed his penis in front of my face, to which I thought "oh why not" so essentially now in spit roast position.

After the original gentleman lay on his back so I could lean over him and finish off with a blowjob, at which point the new male tried getting behind me and I felt him try to angle himself with the aim to f*ck me. I moved and told him again this wasn't happening. He stayed in the room until the original gentleman and I finished.

He thanked us - which I grimaced at considering he locked the door behind him and I asked him to leave multiple times.

Am I being over sensitive? Or is an open door an Invitation to play, rather than watch?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Hi, I need to post an AITA (am I the a**hole?) thread. Sorry in advance for the long post

So, I was in a swingers club last weekend happily playing with a guy, I left the door unlocked.

I need to preface this a little that I started on the club scene around a decade ago and noted fairly early on that leaving something unlocked means that others can come in and watch.

Has this changed or was it ever the case?

The reason I ask, is because a male came into the room, locked the door behind him and instead of asking to play, shoved his dick in my face.

Not wishing to ruin the moment, I partially involved the new male into our playtime as I was on my knees and giving a blow job at the time.

He stayed in the room and placed his penis in front of my face, to which I thought "oh why not" so essentially now in spit roast position.

He thanked us - which I grimaced at considering he locked the door behind him and I asked him to leave multiple times.

Am I being over sensitive? Or is an open door an Invitation to play, rather than watch?"

Sorry but he sounds like an abuser! No means no and you’d told him to fuck off! An open door isn’t an invite to play and even if it was you had told him to F off! I would have reported him to the club tbh!

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 11/08/21 17:39:07]

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

" Sorry but he sounds like an abuser! No means no and you’d told him to fuck off! An open door isn’t an invite to play and even if it was you had told him to F off! I would have reported him to the club tbh!"

Thank you for your input, I appreciate you taking the time to give your advice. X

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By *ob198XaMan over a year ago

teleford

Problem I see is the inconsistency... by engaging with this guy when that was clearly not your initial wish or intent, he will now think his behaviour to be acceptable to cross the line without clear invitation. You absolutelydo have the right to decide what you are willing to do and with whom and you are right to make that very clear.

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By *dwalu2Couple over a year ago

Bristol

It’s difficult to imagine the man concerned overstepping the line of acceptability more clearly if he tried! Regardless of rules, you would think basic good manners would have prevented 90% of that.

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By *ob198XaMan over a year ago

teleford

Might just be me but I wouldn’t dream of trying a closed door, an open door is invitation to watch, a closed door means leave us the fk alone, at least in my opinion?

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By *uddy laneMan over a year ago

dudley

"Hi, I need to post an AITA (am I the a**hole?) thread. Sorry in advance for the long post

So, I was in a swingers club last weekend happily playing with a guy, I left the door unlocked.

I need to preface this a little that I started on the club scene around a decade ago and noted fairly early on that leaving something unlocked means that others can come in and watch.

Has this changed or was it ever the case?

The reason I ask, is because a male came into the room, locked the door behind him and instead of asking to play, shoved his dick in my face.

Not wishing to ruin the moment, I partially involved the new male into our playtime as I was on my knees and giving a blow job at the time.

He stayed in the room and placed his penis in front of my face, to which I thought "oh why not" so essentially now in spit roast position.

He thanked us - which I grimaced at considering he locked the door behind him and I asked him to leave multiple times.

Am I being over sensitive? Or is an open door an Invitation to play, rather than watch?"

I would of told him to fuck off politely.

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By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

I personally think he overstepped the mark by a long way. However I also think you should have told him clearly what you expected of him and asked him to leave the minute he overstepped.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Problem I see is the inconsistency... by engaging with this guy when that was clearly not your initial wish or intent, he will now think his behaviour to be acceptable to cross the line without clear invitation. You absolutelydo have the right to decide what you are willing to do and with whom and you are right to make that very clear."

I completely agree and in hindsight I would have acted differently. The original gentleman I was with is a newbie to the club scene and I didn't particularly want any unpleasantness, but you're right I was quite inconsistent. X

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I personally think he overstepped the mark by a long way. However I also think you should have told him clearly what you expected of him and asked him to leave the minute he overstepped."

I did ask him to leave, he chose not to. X

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By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

"I personally think he overstepped the mark by a long way. However I also think you should have told him clearly what you expected of him and asked him to leave the minute he overstepped.

I did ask him to leave, he chose not to. X"

He did but you thought "oh why not"and continued

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

They can be even more rude. The number of times men wanted to enter our locked room at Rio's... they demanded to be let in. As if that was their right...

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By *heekyFlirtyCoupleCouple over a year ago

Stockport

We would have asked him to leave

Then if he was still there , we would have told him to leave

Then reported to club staff , and then I'd we saw him at the bar , we would have said in a nice way , so everyone could hear

Excuse we, we're you the cheeky fucker that came into a couples room , invaded our privacy and wouldn't take no for an answer ?

And stood there until I got a response

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I personally think he overstepped the mark by a long way. However I also think you should have told him clearly what you expected of him and asked him to leave the minute he overstepped.

I did ask him to leave, he chose not to. X

He did but you thought "oh why not"and continued"

Any reason you initially were insinuating I hadn't told him to leave...? What am I going to do as a 5ft5 female to eject a 6ft plus bulky male? Whilst as noted, not wanting to cause a scene...

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"We would have asked him to leave

Then if he was still there , we would have told him to leave

Then reported to club staff , and then I'd we saw him at the bar , we would have said in a nice way , so everyone could hear

Excuse we, we're you the cheeky fucker that came into a couples room , invaded our privacy and wouldn't take no for an answer ?

And stood there until I got a response "

Love it! I'll definitely try that one next time. Thanks lovely. X

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By *oiluvfunMan over a year ago

Penrith

"I personally think he overstepped the mark by a long way. However I also think you should have told him clearly what you expected of him and asked him to leave the minute he overstepped.

I did ask him to leave, he chose not to. X"

You should have stopped your play with the first guy, and started banging on the locked door and shouting for staff for assistance, then had him slung out

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By *S2004Man over a year ago

Bromsgrove

"I personally think he overstepped the mark by a long way. However I also think you should have told him clearly what you expected of him and asked him to leave the minute he overstepped.

I did ask him to leave, he chose not to. X

He did but you thought "oh why not"and continued"

However when told to go he didn’t. Surely this is overstepping the mark and as such not the OPs fault. As we all know the numbers and effectiveness of security in clubs is variable at best. And regardless of any play all parties retain the right to change their mind during any play and say no.x

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By *uddy laneMan over a year ago

dudley

"I personally think he overstepped the mark by a long way. However I also think you should have told him clearly what you expected of him and asked him to leave the minute he overstepped.

I did ask him to leave, he chose not to. X

He did but you thought "oh why not"and continued

Any reason you initially were insinuating I hadn't told him to leave...? What am I going to do as a 5ft5 female to eject a 6ft plus bulky male? Whilst as noted, not wanting to cause a scene..."

Lol you need to harden up I think you have a mouth use it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I personally think he overstepped the mark by a long way. However I also think you should have told him clearly what you expected of him and asked him to leave the minute he overstepped.

I did ask him to leave, he chose not to. X

He did but you thought "oh why not"and continued

Any reason you initially were insinuating I hadn't told him to leave...? What am I going to do as a 5ft5 female to eject a 6ft plus bulky male? Whilst as noted, not wanting to cause a scene...

Lol you need to harden up I think you have a mouth use it."

I did, apparently that was wrong to a forum mod too...can't win lol

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By *S2004Man over a year ago

Bromsgrove

"I personally think he overstepped the mark by a long way. However I also think you should have told him clearly what you expected of him and asked him to leave the minute he overstepped.

I did ask him to leave, he chose not to. X

He did but you thought "oh why not"and continued

Any reason you initially were insinuating I hadn't told him to leave...? What am I going to do as a 5ft5 female to eject a 6ft plus bulky male? Whilst as noted, not wanting to cause a scene...

Lol you need to harden up I think you have a mouth use it."

Indeed,and as the poster said she would have acted differently with hindsight. But the original question was about the invitation to play. For me when declined the guy should have just gone. There are many threads about single guys at clubs and this sort of behaviour is exactly the reason why.

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By *adyJayneWoman over a year ago

Burnleyish (She/They)

"They can be even more rude. The number of times men wanted to enter our locked room at Rio's... they demanded to be let in. As if that was their right..."

I've only been once and that was my experience too.

Actually had one guy shout through the locked door that we weren't 'allowed to lock the doors' and that 'the female has to fuck whoever wanted to fuck her'

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By *S2004Man over a year ago

Bromsgrove

"They can be even more rude. The number of times men wanted to enter our locked room at Rio's... they demanded to be let in. As if that was their right...

I've only been once and that was my experience too.

Actually had one guy shout through the locked door that we weren't 'allowed to lock the doors' and that 'the female has to fuck whoever wanted to fuck her'

Wow, that is a whole new world of wrong!!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

It definitely should have been reported to the club because not doing so IMO puts others at risk! And what was your partner doing at the time? Surely the two of you together could have stood up to him?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I think some guys assume because they've paid a fee to join a club they can fuck. They seem to forget that the women at clubs are members too, not sex workers. I had some guy hop up onto the bed I was playing on with another man ready to join in with no invitation. He cock stalked me with his dick in my eyeline waiting for me to suck on it. Got so annoying I told him "look, I'm with this guy right now" and he apologised and backed off. I also had another guy that I has briefly met in the past tell me he had a group of guys lined up waiting for me "when I'm ready" as I was chatting and enjoying a drink. I'm quite capable of finding people that I want to fuck, I don't need guys pimping me out lol.

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By *nliveneTV/TS over a year ago

Selby

"I personally think he overstepped the mark by a long way. However I also think you should have told him clearly what you expected of him and asked him to leave the minute he overstepped.

I did ask him to leave, he chose not to. X

He did but you thought "oh why not"and continued

Any reason you initially were insinuating I hadn't told him to leave...? What am I going to do as a 5ft5 female to eject a 6ft plus bulky male? Whilst as noted, not wanting to cause a scene..."

That is probably why many don't take seriously the basic rule of clubs No Means No . You have told him to leave but in some way he got his way because the fact you have let him to join you both . I would have told him to leave and same time reported him , but because the heat of the moment that didn't happened in your case

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By *ob198XaMan over a year ago

teleford

"I personally think he overstepped the mark by a long way. However I also think you should have told him clearly what you expected of him and asked him to leave the minute he overstepped.

I did ask him to leave, he chose not to. X

He did but you thought "oh why not"and continued

Any reason you initially were insinuating I hadn't told him to leave...? What am I going to do as a 5ft5 female to eject a 6ft plus bulky male? Whilst as noted, not wanting to cause a scene..."

If you are not comfortable and someone isn’t getting the message you have every right to cause a scene

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By *ob198XaMan over a year ago

teleford

And the fella you where with, he’s a lucky bugger

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By *ob198XaMan over a year ago

teleford

A verification

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By *ob198XaMan over a year ago

teleford

Seemingly 2 different interpretations of the event? As a man I find that rather unnerving Given the potentially life changing implications all parties should always be absolutely clear about intent and consent

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"It definitely should have been reported to the club because not doing so IMO puts others at risk! And what was your partner doing at the time? Surely the two of you together could have stood up to him?"

I completely agree with you I dropped the ball with this one hence why asking of I was the asshole lol, im feeling a bit stupid tbh for not doing something. The guy I was with is a newbie to the scene and my partner who I went with to the club was in another room and none the wiser. I dont blame either of them, if I was with someone more accustomed to the club scene or that club I particular, I imagine it would have gone differently.

Considering I'd told the guy moment's before that I'd only had 2 bad experiences in my 10 years on the scene, I ddint want to "create" one in front of a new (to the scene) and lovely guy.

Thank you for taking the time to respond to this thread. X

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By *ob198XaMan over a year ago

teleford

Considering I'd told the guy moment's before that I'd only had 2 bad experiences in my 10 years on the scene, I ddint want to "create" one in front of a new (to the scene) and lovely guy.

Thank you for taking the time to respond to this thread. X"

You keep yourself safe. And next time invite me

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Considering I'd told the guy moment's before that I'd only had 2 bad experiences in my 10 years on the scene, I ddint want to "create" one in front of a new (to the scene) and lovely guy.

Thank you for taking the time to respond to this thread. X"

We all make mistakes in the heat of the moment! Don’t beat yourself up about it! We live and learn!

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By *allySlinkyWoman over a year ago

Leeds

I wouldn't have let him lock the door in the first place

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I wouldn't have let him lock the door in the first place"

My aim was to let people watch and generally (I thought) that's what an unlocked/open door meant.

The aim was for the door to be unlocked but unfortunately it became locked when the unsavory character came in and locked it behind him. X

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Thank you all for responding.

I appreciate your input snd advice, my conclusion being a bit my fault a bit the intruders.

I will know how to act if it occurs again. I havent had many questionable experiences in my time in club, but glad to see so many willing to lend their wisdom.

Thank you all again for your time. Xx

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

totaly out of order from the guy in question, he deserves a ban from the club for that, if you werent at a sex club when it happened it could be likened to something far more serious. if you can remember his features then maybe go back to the club and tell them the story, take the guy you were with aswell as a whitness, these sort of things shouldnt be happening, and he will likely try it again, i understand why you didnt want to cause a scene, but i think you owe it to others to atleast tell the club what happened, hope it doesnt put you of going to a club again. best of luck

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By *ugRollersCouple over a year ago

Newcastle

I feel for you OP as I think I’d be the same as you. Not wanting to cause a scene and good for you telling him no to going full throttle so he knew his boundary’s I think he was just pushing his luck hoping that once you got in the swing of doing things to him that you’d change your mind. He sounds really pushy and not what it’s all about and puts people off letting people in. Respect people’s boundaries. Fortunatley I haven’t had this experience myself yet but given the type of girl I am I suspect it’s coming….

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Hi, I need to post an AITA (am I the a**hole?) thread. Sorry in advance for the long post

So, I was in a swingers club last weekend happily playing with a guy, I left the door unlocked.

I need to preface this a little that I started on the club scene around a decade ago and noted fairly early on that leaving something unlocked means that others can come in and watch.

Has this changed or was it ever the case?

The reason I ask, is because a male came into the room, locked the door behind him and instead of asking to play, shoved his dick in my face.

With a decade of experience in the club scene, couldn't this just have ended here?

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By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

"I personally think he overstepped the mark by a long way. However I also think you should have told him clearly what you expected of him and asked him to leave the minute he overstepped.

I did ask him to leave, he chose not to. X

He did but you thought "oh why not"and continued

Any reason you initially were insinuating I hadn't told him to leave...? What am I going to do as a 5ft5 female to eject a 6ft plus bulky male? Whilst as noted, not wanting to cause a scene..."

I wasn't intending to insinuate that.

You asked him to leave, when he didn't, instead of insisting that he did you thought "oh why not". He overstepped and you allowed him to. I understood that you were in the room with another man, not alone.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

You are definitively not the asshole. Or to blame for anything whatsoever. He was in the wrong to lock the door behind him in the first place - it's aggressive and intimidating. Even if you subsequently played, consent is constant and you told him twice you didn't want to fuck him and yet he continued to try and coerce you. That's not ok on any level and frankly, he should be banned for life. It is irrelevant that you decided to play in any respect with this man. Doing one activity does not give consent for another.

I'm sorry you had such an awful experience.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"totaly out of order from the guy in question, he deserves a ban from the club for that, if you werent at a sex club when it happened it could be likened to something far more serious. if you can remember his features then maybe go back to the club and tell them the story, take the guy you were with aswell as a whitness, these sort of things shouldnt be happening, and he will likely try it again, i understand why you didnt want to cause a scene, but i think you owe it to others to atleast tell the club what happened, hope it doesnt put you of going to a club again. best of luck"

Agree with all of this wholeheartedly except the owe it comment. With the greatest of respect, although it probably is be in the interests of others if the OP reported it, she doesn't owe them.

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By *c1989Woman over a year ago

Manchester

"I wouldn't have let him lock the door in the first place

My aim was to let people watch and generally (I thought) that's what an unlocked/open door meant.

The aim was for the door to be unlocked but unfortunately it became locked when the unsavory character came in and locked it behind him. X"

This happened to me and a friend at quest. Though it didn't go as far. I was new to clubs at the time. My friend explained to me that an open door was an invitation to watch not necessarily join in. We entered a room and left the door open. A chap entered the room and closed the door. My friend immediately questioned his actions and he promptly left with a muffled sorry and a sheepish look. I couldn't help but think how cheeky. He knew it was wrong and was chancing his arm.

Make a scene if needs be and I'll remind myself to do the same if I find myself in a similar situation with a less than familiar wingman or a newbie in the future.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Hi, I need to post an AITA (am I the a**hole?) thread. Sorry in advance for the long post

So, I was in a swingers club last weekend happily playing with a guy, I left the door unlocked.

I need to preface this a little that I started on the club scene around a decade ago and noted fairly early on that leaving something unlocked means that others can come in and watch.

Has this changed or was it ever the case?

The reason I ask, is because a male came into the room, locked the door behind him and instead of asking to play, shoved his dick in my face.

Not wishing to ruin the moment, I partially involved the new male into our playtime as I was on my knees and giving a blow job at the time.

He stayed in the room and placed his penis in front of my face, to which I thought "oh why not" so essentially now in spit roast position.

He thanked us - which I grimaced at considering he locked the door behind him and I asked him to leave multiple times.

Am I being over sensitive? Or is an open door an Invitation to play, rather than watch?"

I’m new to swinging and the swingers club scene so I can’t say I know what an unlocked door would mean, I’d end up passing by as I’d be none the wiser until now. However regardless of what it means, as soon as you said no and asked him to leave then he should have left. There no excuses for his behaviour and it goes way beyond a simple miss understanding as that would suggest doing something unintentionally wrong which by the sounds of things, wasn’t the case as he simple didn’t care if it was what you wanted or not, he only interest was in what he wanted regardless of the fact you hadn’t consented. It sounds an incredible frightening situation to be in and his behaviour sounds very abusive. From a guy point of view I don’t think you are being over sensitive. I think he and his behaviour is disgusting and he should have been dragged out by bouncers and bared from ever attending the club again and the club reporting his behaviour to the fuzz. Do the rooms have any safety buttons etc? Didn’t the first male ever try and support you and tell the creep to do one while this went on? x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Thank you all for responding.

I appreciate your input snd advice, my conclusion being a bit my fault a bit the intruders.

I will know how to act if it occurs again. I havent had many questionable experiences in my time in club, but glad to see so many willing to lend their wisdom.

Thank you all again for your time. Xx"

Definitely not your fault in any shape or form at any point. The intruder is the only person at fault and to blame for his behaviour x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Hi, I need to post an AITA (am I the a**hole?) thread. Sorry in advance for the long post

So, I was in a swingers club last weekend happily playing with a guy, I left the door unlocked.

I need to preface this a little that I started on the club scene around a decade ago and noted fairly early on that leaving something unlocked means that others can come in and watch.

Has this changed or was it ever the case?

The reason I ask, is because a male came into the room, locked the door behind him and instead of asking to play, shoved his dick in my face.

Not wishing to ruin the moment, I partially involved the new male into our playtime as I was on my knees and giving a blow job at the time.

He stayed in the room and placed his penis in front of my face, to which I thought "oh why not" so essentially now in spit roast position.

He thanked us - which I grimaced at considering he locked the door behind him and I asked him to leave multiple times.

Am I being over sensitive? Or is an open door an Invitation to play, rather than watch?

This

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By *rsTrellisWoman over a year ago

Cambridge

Hey OP

Sorry this happened to you. No one knows what they’d do in that situation until it happens.

Endless people will “shoulda/woulda/coulda” you, telling you heroic stories of what they would have done, but this man exploited your sense of social embarrassment, your vulnerable position and your fear of making a scene. You didn’t do anything wrong.

When you’re in a threatening situation, there are four responses; fight, flight, freeze, appease.

Everyone afterwards will tell you you should have fought. In reality, many women instinctively choose “appease”. You go along with the situation for fear of the consequences of objecting (in your case you feared an escalation of the situation).

The sexual encounter was coercive and you instinctively handled it in a way that avoided escalation. Please don’t give yourself a hard time for your response which was completely reasonable and very common.

It’s ok to be upset. X

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Hi OP. Im so so sorry to hear you've had this experience - must have been dreadful.

However.....

Youve given said male the green light here, by not dticking with your original 'NO', therefore encouraged further abuse from him towards yourself. You clewrly said that, when he stuck his penis in your fsce, you didn't completely stop him and by the sounds of it, almost encouraged such behaviour by interacting in a way that gave him the go-ahead! Should have said no, stuck by your refusal and removed him from the room. That way, if he'd touched you further, you'd have a clear defin3d case of sexual assault to bring. As it is now, you have let it go and hes got away with doing godawful things to you.

Just please stay safe and alert and try and move on from this a littlw wiser and a whole lot safer xxx

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By *stbury DavenportMan over a year ago

Nottingham

"Hey OP

Sorry this happened to you. No one knows what they’d do in that situation until it happens.

When you’re in a threatening situation, there are four responses; fight, flight, freeze, appease.

It’s ok to be upset. X"

Round of applause for Mrs Trellis here – I completely agree on all counts.

OP is definitely not the asshole.

The only asshole is the r*pist who barged in on someone else's scene. That guy is a danger and needs to be removed from the swinging community. He's done it once, so he'll do it again.

Personally, in the circles in which I move (which are more BDSM-related, I admit):

Closed door = Stay out. Do not disturb.

Open door = We would like an audience. Feel free to spectate.

Explicit verbal invitation to participate = Explicit verbal invitation to participate.

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By *melia DominaTV/TS over a year ago

Edinburgh (She/Her)

"We would have asked him to leave

Then if he was still there , we would have told him to leave

Then reported to club staff , and then I'd we saw him at the bar , we would have said in a nice way , so everyone could hear

Excuse we, we're you the cheeky fucker that came into a couples room , invaded our privacy and wouldn't take no for an answer ?

And stood there until I got a response "

Totally concur with this.

Regardless of open door. Until another is given an indication to join they have no right to shove their dick in your face.

He should never have walked past the door boundary period.

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By *JohnMan over a year ago

Newcastle upon Tyne

"Personally, in the circles in which I move (which are more BDSM-related, I admit):

Closed door = Stay out. Do not disturb.

Open door = We would like an audience. Feel free to spectate.

Explicit verbal invitation to participate = Explicit verbal invitation to participate. "

The kink scene seems to be much better at consent. The same rules apply to swinging, but we're not as good at enforcing them.

The invitation doesn't have to be verbal - gestures can go a long way without breaking the mood (eye contact and beckoning when the mouth is occupied, for example). And it seems that non-sexual touching is sometimes accepted as a request. But an uninvited dick in the face is an instant mood-killer.

There's been a lot of victim blaming here, and it's not helpful. Yes, things might have gone differently if different things were done. But all of the responsibility lies with the arsehole (there's another word for him, but I don't think the forum will let me type it). There would be no need to interrupt your fun and assert yourself in a way that might make you uncomfortable if he hadn't broken all of the rules.

I'll quote this again, because 100%

"The sexual encounter was coercive and you instinctively handled it in a way that avoided escalation. Please don’t give yourself a hard time for your response which was completely reasonable and very common."

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By * and M lookingCouple over a year ago

Worcester

In our early days at Chams, we weren't aware of the locked door etiquette and went into one of the open caged door playrooms upstairs and began to put on a show.

As we were busy enjoying ourselves, we didn't notice up to 6 single guys had entered the room.

Not one of them came close without first asking for our consent.

It got a little too intense as we were new to things so we made our apologies and left.

So, OP in answer to your original post, he shouldn't have expected anything other than the pleasure of being allowed to enjoy the view.

If you were at Chams, we can pretty much guess who the guy was.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

You obviously gave mixed signals to a pushy guy who wasn’t hearing ‘no’.

You said no but still kept on sucking him.

I’m surprised the guy you were initially playing with didn’t back you up though.

From my experience you have to be very clear with your no and not relent with a ‘oh what the heck’ or your ’no’ gets ignored.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"You obviously gave mixed signals to a pushy guy who wasn’t hearing ‘no’.

You said no but still kept on sucking him.

I’m surprised the guy you were initially playing with didn’t back you up though.

From my experience you have to be very clear with your no and not relent with a ‘oh what the heck’ or your ’no’ gets ignored. "

It also reinforces to the pushy guy that his behaviour was a successful strategy to adopt which means he will sadly do it to others.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Hey OP

Sorry this happened to you. No one knows what they’d do in that situation until it happens.

When you’re in a threatening situation, there are four responses; fight, flight, freeze, appease.

It’s ok to be upset. X"

This is our perfectly. It’s so easy to say “oh I would have”, or “you should have” after the event, but as Mrs Trellis says, he exploited you, and your fear of causing a scene.

It’s a horrible situation, and you aren’t to blame, he is.

There are times when it’s hard to use your voice, but it’s worth practising (I do).

Sorry this happened to you.

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By *allySlinkyWoman over a year ago

Leeds

"You obviously gave mixed signals to a pushy guy who wasn’t hearing ‘no’.

You said no but still kept on sucking him.

I’m surprised the guy you were initially playing with didn’t back you up though.

I agree

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By *oved Up 2Couple over a year ago

nottingham

"I personally think he overstepped the mark by a long way. However I also think you should have told him clearly what you expected of him and asked him to leave the minute he overstepped."

Totally agree. If the door is unlocked watching is fine but totally unacceptable to join in without invitation or at least asking first. I'm afraid I wouldn't have been as polite as you x

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By *layPrincessDaddyBearCouple over a year ago

Bracknell

"Thank you all for responding.

I appreciate your input snd advice, my conclusion being a bit my fault a bit the intruders.

I will know how to act if it occurs again. I havent had many questionable experiences in my time in club, but glad to see so many willing to lend their wisdom.

Thank you all again for your time. Xx"

Hi, just wanted to check you were ok firstly, not a pleasant situation to be in xxx

Hindsight is a wonderful thing we all know that, but when in the moment sometimes it’s difficult to work out what’s going on and what works the best, just remember that you can be forceful you can say sling your hook if not listening to you asking politely. You are in control and have every right to say what you do and don’t want, putting you in a situation to feel like to should suck him off is not ok that’s not how this works xxxxx

I’ve had situations before so I get it, I have it a lot as I don’t play with guys, I’ve found my voice and I use it, not in a rude way but when needed it does the trick xxx much love OP kazz xxx

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I think perhaps the guy got confused with the mixed messages, added to the fact he was clearly a selfish manipulative twat.

But the way you describe his entrance and muscling in, but then thought “oh why not”? Seriously?

What a cocktail

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By *dam1971Man over a year ago

Bedford

Don’t beat yourself up about being inconsistent nor should you take the blame. You said no and that should have been enough; that’s your answer. He treated it like losing at pool in the pub and then asked for the best of three.

No means no, not keep asking. He didn’t follow that.

There’s lots of advice on what to do in future but the reality is that it’s difficult when you’re in the middle of it. That’s why people get away with the behaviour.

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By *host63Man over a year ago

Bedfont Feltham

No he was in breach of etiquette as I see it.

You should have refused and complained

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By *inotGringoMan over a year ago

Lancashire

What he did was completely not okay.

You are in no way an arsehole, if anything you were too nice to him.

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By *heNYCSausageMan over a year ago

Everton

Considering I'd told the guy moment's before that I'd only had 2 bad experiences in my 10 years on the scene, I ddint want to "create" one in front of a new (to the scene) and lovely guy.

Thank you for taking the time to respond to this thread. X"

Firstly, when a guy is shown around a club, he is told “NO MEANS NO” so he should have known. So he is being an arsehole.

Secondly, you thought “why not” at first which is well within your rights and you did nothing wrong here.

Another point is that he was (probably) also told that a closed door means someone doesn’t want to be disturbed. When I gave my club tours, I clearly explained that to everybody.

When you asked him to leave and he didn’t, you didn’t enforce the “eviction” which then gave him the idea that he could continue. He’s going to think that he can do that all the time. What happens if he try’s with a girl who’s too scared to say no? You was being nice putting everyone else first, but I think you should have stopped the moment he refused to leave.

You’re not being an arsehole at all. You was being accommodating, it’s a shame that he abused your generosity x

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By *astlincscoupleCouple over a year ago

Tinsel Town

I've had a similar experience in a Spanish club.

An unwanted male was continually trying to involve himself in our group.

Luckily B and another male I was playing with were aware of his actions. He was directly told to FOff.

No means No.

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By *DW1983Man over a year ago

Aberdeen, Leeds, Sheffield

I don't think you've anything to beat yourself up over in this case. There are some excellent posts above about consent etc, I won't repeat it all again here as they said it better than I could.

Yes, in hindsight it's easy to say what might have been better but in the heat of moment I can understand why you chose the action you did.

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By *ananas2013Man over a year ago

wolves

"Thank you all for responding.

I appreciate your input snd advice, my conclusion being a bit my fault a bit the intruders.

I will know how to act if it occurs again. I havent had many

questionable experiences in my time in club, but glad to see so many willing to lend their wisdom.

Don't see the problem here the guy was in the wrong. NO means No. Any self-respecting person would have left.

Report them is it happens again.

Thank you all again for your time. Xx"

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By *den_GCCouple over a year ago

San Fernando, Gran Canaria

Hope you are OK OP. Xx

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By *heRazorsEdgeMan over a year ago

Wales/ All over UK

Most have provided very good opinions and advice on here, I would just like to add my perspective.

Having never visited a club as yet I cannot comment on whether an unlocked door is an invitation to watch…

… however, I personally would take a closed door (locked or otherwise) as a sign that the people inside want privacy.

As for the “bad” guys actions, they were completely unacceptable and honestly on the verge of sexual assault.

Just to add that I’m sure your new friend would have viewed any scene that would happen from confrontation with the other guy as purely down to the other guy… you would not have caused a scene, he did the minute he locked the door behind him!

You are not the arsehole

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By *luttyLaylaWoman over a year ago

North West

Nothing is an open invite to play except a specific offer to play or yes if they ask.

Open invite to watch of course with doors open and the likes, but not to play.

I’d have asked him to leave soon as he locked the door after him! If I wanted it locked I’d have locked it myself haha x

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"In our early days at Chams, we weren't aware of the locked door etiquette and went into one of the open caged door playrooms upstairs and began to put on a show.

As we were busy enjoying ourselves, we didn't notice up to 6 single guys had entered the room.

Not one of them came close without first asking for our consent.

It got a little too intense as we were new to things so we made our apologies and left.

So, OP in answer to your original post, he shouldn't have expected anything other than the pleasure of being allowed to enjoy the view.

If you were at Chams, we can pretty much guess who the guy was.

I didnt want to name the club as its a much loved club to me and it was 100% not the clubs fault this happened there. It was Chams but it would never put me off returning. I have, in the past, given a swift slap to someone who has gone too far but on this occasion I dont know why I didn't vocalise it more.

I also put no responsibility on the original male I was with, as I am the one who left the door unlocked and okay it with him. He is a newbie to the club and I wouldn't expect a newbie to react to this the way a veteran would.

Thank you so much for your reply and advice, it's greatly appreciated. Much love. M x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 12/08/21 13:17:18]

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By *cottish guy 555Man over a year ago

London

"Might just be me but I wouldn’t dream of trying a closed door, an open door is invitation to watch, a closed door means leave us the fk alone, at least in my opinion?"

Absolutely this.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I personally think he overstepped the mark by a long way. However I also think you should have told him clearly what you expected of him and asked him to leave the minute he overstepped.

I did ask him to leave, he chose not to. X

He did but you thought "oh why not"and continued

Any reason you initially were insinuating I hadn't told him to leave...? What am I going to do as a 5ft5 female to eject a 6ft plus bulky male? Whilst as noted, not wanting to cause a scene..."

I would assume that 90% of the people in the club would have supported you in asking the gentleman to politely leave.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

This has been uncomfortable reading!

Its sad the OP has had to accommodate this man who felt entitled to sexual activity.

Would it help if clubs had notices on doors?

‘This is a locked door please do not force it’

‘This is an unlocked door: leave if you are asked, only interact if you are invited’

‘This is an open door: be respectful of peoples space’

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By *ffanotdykeCouple over a year ago

Telford

Whilst we fully agree with the stance taken you have to take into account,the fact that free flowing testosterone clouds judgement. Also first stopping, then allowing, gives a very mixed message.

Best to think first

Decide what you want

Stick to your decision.

Having said all that. Bad behaviour exists everywhere.

G&A

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By *S2004Man over a year ago

Bromsgrove

I think the thing that concerns me the most in here is despite most people saying that the behaviour is wrong there are quite a lot of people saying once you have made a decision (even a coerced one) you must stick to it. In addition to the fact that at no stage did the op give a green light for full sex.

I absolutely agree with the mixed messages but just feel that everyone has the right to change their mind at any point.

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By *lamorousBeautyLondonWoman over a year ago

London

"In our early days at Chams, we weren't aware of the locked door etiquette and went into one of the open caged door playrooms upstairs and began to put on a show.

As we were busy enjoying ourselves, we didn't notice up to 6 single guys had entered the room.

Not one of them came close without first asking for our consent.

It got a little too intense as we were new to things so we made our apologies and left.

So, OP in answer to your original post, he shouldn't have expected anything other than the pleasure of being allowed to enjoy the view.

If you were at Chams, we can pretty much guess who the guy was.

Thank you so much for your reply and advice, it's greatly appreciated. Much love. M x"

Dear OP, you have been very kind and very considerate, you did the best you could in a bad situation caused by this awful man.

Open door is not an invitation to play.

I don't remember the last time I blocked so many people based on a forum thread - all those with "you should have done this or that, you gave mixed messages" - I am appalled at you.

A man choosing to assault and exploit once again turns into too many people trying to make it the woman's responsibility. It makes my blood boil.

Also, this incredibly shaky concept of consent I have just witnessed by too many of the posters is reinforcing my aversion to swingers clubs because I completely disagree with "no means no" - if I have to say "no" in the middle of a scene then it means that someone has either invaded my space or is trying to assault me - because only enthusiastic yes means yes.