FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > advice needed

advice needed

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Hi everyone,

I need some advice on how to approach this subject next. It's a bit of a long story but bear with me.

Me and my girlfriend have been really opening up recently about our sexual fantasies. We've talked about trying threesomes and how she'd really like to see me fucking another woman, and how she'd really like to play with tits and fuck a woman with a strap on etc. There's more but that's not really the important part.

Now we spoke about this for some time and had a really serious talk about what we had talked about and she said that she would be really up for it but she'd want to lose a little weight first.

Now bear in mind that I haven't pressured her into anything. This was both of us talking and we both really enjoyed the idea. So much so that she suggested I went and fucked someone else.

I asked her if she was sure and there was a girl I knew at college who fancied me so I got in touch with her and we were chatting. I wasn't making any kind of move on her at this point but my girlfriend said that this girl from college was really flirting with me so my girlfriend took my phone and started texting this girl as if she was me. My girlfriend set up a meeting with me and this girl from college and it was clear that if we met we were going to fuck. She hadn't said it but she was so eager hounding me to make sure that I was going to go round her house it was clear that she was hoping for one thing.

Now this was all set up for today and then I got a text from my girlfriend saying she was having cold feet and she didn't know whether she wanted me sleeping with another girl. So I called the meet off as I don't want to upset mmy girlfriend. I was a bit gutted as you can expect as we'd been talking it up for weeks and me and my girlfriend were both up for it. She even done all of the texting!

Now my girlfriend doesn't even want to bring any of it up and just completely avoids the subject. We both agreed it would just be sex and no intimate relationship with anyone else and I even agreed to her fucking other blokes but she declined this as she said she wasn't that bothered.

My question is, why would she change her mind all of a sudden and how can I get her back on the subject? She said she doesn't want to ruin our relationship but I said it wouldn't because I love her and her alone. But that is where we have left it. I don't want to push her at the moment because that wouldn't be fair but how could I go about it in the future as I'm sure a part of her still wants to experiment?

Thanks for the help guys

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I'll be honest and maybe it's just the way I read it, but that comes across as the priority is getting your meet back on without really caring too much about her concerns or emotions.

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By *lackCherryCouple over a year ago

Bristol

For a starter your profile makes no mention of a girlfriend, so in essence you have a profile to cheat on her with ?

Secondly, sometimes people get carried away with fantasy's they arent ready to see through, the thought of something might be incredibly horny but cant translate that into them really happening.

Big difference between fantasy and reality and your girlfriend has clearly realised this and probably realises how close she has come to doing something she wasnt ready for and has freaked her out.

It also sounds a LOT like she was just indulging something YOU like rather than it being a shared fantasy, young girls in relationships who are clearly very insecure will do almost anything to indulge the other half if they think they could be at risk of losing them.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

it got close to the day and she changed her mind,that's all.live with it. if it were me i wouldn't even push it if she said she'd changed her mind again.

there's always the outside possibility she was testing you,in which case you're on thin ice

there's no mention of her on your profile.who knows? maybe she doesn't trust you

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By *r and mrs sanddancerCouple over a year ago

BOLDON COLLIERY

to me you called her bluff by being so ready to meet the other girl

the test was to see if you would go through with it

you failed

how ever you might have saved it by cancelling the meet but only time will tell

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Hi,

Sorry, may have came across like that which it didn't mean to. I can see where your coming from after reading back. When she said that she got cold feet I said fair enough and I'm not in any hurry to get that meet back up and running as I said to her it was probably a wrong move for me to go away and fuck someone where she had no control and didn't know what was going on. The only reason I was gutted was because it was the start of her opening up sexually and now she has closed off again. It was quite hard to get her to open up originally and now it feels as if we are back to square one which is why I am gutted. Sorry for the confusion. Things don't always come across as I mean them in my head lol.

But now she said she doesn't want to talk about any kind of sexual fantasy ever again, not even her bi side or anything. She has completely closed up. Obviously it might just take time but I'm not sure if she ever will want to try anything new sexually again, no matter what her fanatsies are.

Didn't mention her on my profile as just set something quickly up myself to ask these questions when we were talking about it. She said she trusts me and I have been honest with her, so much so she suggested I should visit sites like this to get a feel for what swinging is like.

I can live with her changing her mind, thats fine, I just don't want her to close up on me as we both said it was a relief to open up to each other as before we were both very worried about talking to each other about stuff like this in case the other got jealous

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Didn't mention her on my profile as just set something quickly up myself to ask these questions when we were talking about it. "

so you're not looking for a female fuck buddy to go to clubs with then. for someone who set up a profile just to ask for advice its very specific

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Hadn't read the profile till then but yes very specific. And if the profile is to ask questions odd that this is your first post.

Seriously factor in the lack of empathy and total selfishness shown in that opening post, you need to be asking some serious questions about what you really want.

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By *ouplekinkCouple over a year ago

kink town

Didn't mention her on my profile as just set something quickly up myself to ask these questions when we were talking about it.

so you're not looking for a female fuck buddy to go to clubs with then. for someone who set up a profile just to ask for advice its very specific

Exactly what i was about to say, the OP has put alot of effort into this profile considering it was 'quickly' set up just to post on the forums.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My first impression is that your girlfriend is pretty young and does have sexual fantasies which you are very lucky to have drawn out of her.

I do feel that there is definitely the jealousy factor coming in here and I think it's mainly because you know this girl and the fact that she has openly let it be known that she fancies you. Your girlfriend, despite initially thinking that you two getting together for a sex session would be a good move, has now realised that is is probably not such a good idea ... is he going to dump me for her?, is she better in bed than me? All these type of questions are probably going through her head right now.

I would cool it for a while, don't mention it until some later time, but when you do, tell her that you realise all the above and ask whether she would be interested in trying again, with a bi female, maybe a little older than the pair of you, at a club. This way she could awatch you with this person and if she feels comfortable, then she could join in the fun. This way she knows that you're unlikely to run into this person on a regular basis, it's far less likely that you'll plan to 'run off into the sunset' together and leave her behind. If you visit a club, you can sit and talk to people and if you all decide that you want to move things forward then that's great, if you decide that it's not going to happen on that specific occasion, there's nothing to say that the two of you can't have some sexy fun of your own but just in different surroundings to those you're used to.

So, basically, don't pressure her, but do, when it feels right, give her some options. Most of all, have fun and enjoy yourselves xxx

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I think it was a mistake to go away and fuck this girl - you would have been wiser to find a bi girl who wanted to play with you both . When you truly love someone it takes time to build up enough trust to be happy for your other half to ' play away ' and we don't even do separate room swap !

Dunno that we ever will , this is all about knowing what works for you and you going away to do the deed is a step too far for a first time , especially as she was interested in trying out her bi side .

So when or if the subject comes up again , why not try including her and go softly softly - find the right girl or couple who will be happy for you both to go at your own pace

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By *iss_tressWoman over a year ago

London

Sounds like a mind game test...that you failed!

Your girlfriend feels insecure about her weight and probably wanted reassurance you didn't want to play alone but with her. Your eagerness to jump at the chance unsettled her. Now she doesn't want to indulge and probably feels more insecure.

Well that's my opinion on it, pure speculation of course.

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By *iss_tressWoman over a year ago

London

"Hadn't read the profile till then but yes very specific. And if the profile is to ask questions odd that this is your first post.

Seriously factor in the lack of empathy and total selfishness shown in that opening post, you need to be asking some serious questions about what you really want."

It says on his profile...a fuck buddy to empty his load!

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I agree with the last two posts fully. I think it was a step too far for a first move and I said that to her. The thing was she took the phone off me and started texting her on the spur of the moment while we were having sex and she was really horny. I thought it was a bad idea and said this but she said it's ok. So I went with it.

Afterwards I had been thinking that it was a bad move but didn't want to disappoint her as she had tried so hard to set this meet up.

I have spoke to her about everything and said that perhaps we should have tried to find a stranger and just chatted to people already doing stuff like this first as a) a stranger I would not have their number and be talking to them which I have found out was one of her main worries that I would set up further meets behind her back and delete the evidence, which is fair enough and I am now being oompletely open and honest with the texts with this person so that she knows nothing is going on. But my girlfriend did say that as a first step to invite this other girl round for dinner to see if they all get on but I don't know how I feel about that idea as I don;t want to rub salt into a possible wound.

I not going to bring this subject up with her anymore until she does, and if and when I am going to make sure that I make her go at a slower pace to what she did. My girlfriend is one of those people who when she gets an idea in her head she goes through with it without thinking the consequences. I was also in the wrong for allowing her to go through with this but when she done it we were both having sex and really horny at the time so anything was kind of a go at that moment I guess. That doesn't excuse it though.

Sorry if this has offended some people, just wanted to talk to those who would have more of a calculated judgement on the situation.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I think it was a bit of a vast jump to try getting a fem on fem meet with ur gf who has no knowledge of swinging really.If I wanted to introduce any gf to the swinging side I would have suggested a social, then moved on to maybe a club.U havent really thought it all out am afraid...and not that I'm judging..I just hope u havent had any meets while ur seeing her.She sounds nice as shes actually letting u look around online.

Ask her if a gangbangs out of the question.....

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I agree with the last two posts fully. I think it was a step too far for a first move and I said that to her. The thing was she took the phone off me and started texting her on the spur of the moment while we were having sex and she was really horny. I thought it was a bad idea and said this but she said it's ok. So I went with it.

Afterwards I had been thinking that it was a bad move but didn't want to disappoint her as she had tried so hard to set this meet up.

Sorry if this has offended some people, just wanted to talk to those who would have more of a calculated judgement on the situation."

but are you still looking for a fuck buddy?

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Sounds like a mind game test...that you failed!

Well that's my opinion on it, pure speculation of course."

We had been talking about this for some time and the weight thing was only (this is in her words) so she could pull a skinny dolly bird that she would be attracted to as well. I told her that she looked beautiful the way she was and that I loved her for how she was and that other people would find her attractive the way she is now, she doesn't have to be slimmer to pull but she said that the girls she wanted to fuck wouldn't find her attractive

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

*sorry OP ive only just looked at ur profile...that headline realllllly isnt helping anything uve said so far.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Don't be sorry for offending anyone - that's their choice !

We have a simple system with playmates - I have the guys on my phone and Sabrina has the girls on hers !

Simple really and it works for us

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I think it was a bit of a vast jump to try getting a fem on fem meet with ur gf who has no knowledge of swinging really.If I wanted to introduce any gf to the swinging side I would have suggested a social, then moved on to maybe a club.U havent really thought it all out am afraid...and not that I'm judging..I just hope u havent had any meets while ur seeing her.She sounds nice as shes actually letting u look around online.

Ask her if a gangbangs out of the question.....

Your right, we don't really have any knowledge of swinging and we should have looked into it more. This idea was a spur of the moment thing which we both have agreed that we shouldn't have done. I would never see anyone behind her back, that is just not me, I would only see someone if she was 100% certain that she was ok with it and that is what she wanted also. I really want to meet someone with her, not on my own. The only thing is I don't want her to stop her fanatsy of having a bi encounter as that is something she wants. When we were talking we brought up everything and me meeting another girl was the thing that she suggested we try first which I now realise was wrong, hence the reason why I put looking for a fuck buddy.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

have made a few changes to my profile to explain my situation better. Thanks

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By *orth West CoupleCouple over a year ago

liverpool

"Hi everyone,

I need some advice on how to approach this subject next. It's a bit of a long story but bear with me.

Now we spoke about this for some time and had a really serious talk about what we had talked about and she said that she would be really up for it but she'd want to lose a little weight first.

Now bear in mind that I haven't pressured her into anything. This was both of us talking and we both really enjoyed the idea. So much so that she suggested I went and fucked someone else.

Thanks for the help guys"

Shouldn't this be on the "Stories and Fantasies" section....

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Hi everyone,

I need some advice on how to approach this subject next. It's a bit of a long story but bear with me.

Now we spoke about this for some time and had a really serious talk about what we had talked about and she said that she would be really up for it but she'd want to lose a little weight first.

Now bear in mind that I haven't pressured her into anything. This was both of us talking and we both really enjoyed the idea. So much so that she suggested I went and fucked someone else.

Thanks for the help guys

Shouldn't this be on the "Stories and Fantasies" section....

I guess it kind of has turned back into a fantasy lol

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The more I read, the more I cannot help think that the OP does not have the emotional maturity to swing. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it sounds to me like you are now blaming your girlfriend?

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By *ouplekinkCouple over a year ago

kink town

I still don't get it?

In the time it has taken since you started this thread she has gone from not wanting to ever talk about it, to allowing you to go ahead and have your own meets without her?

Sounds dodgy to me.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

No i don't blame her, she's entitled to change her mind and I only want to do what we both agree on and if at any time she changes her mind fair enough. We have been talking about it for some time now so in that respect we were very well informed about the things we wanted to try out with each other etc, but this spur of the moment thing was wrong. Its not her fault at all, we should have both took things slower and not jumped into anything. I am not completely innocent here either but this was something that both of us got into. I knew in some respects what we were getting into, but obviously she had a change of heart which is fair enough, I just don't want her to close off completely which was my reason for posting.

Sorry if you think I'm being a dick but I really don't mean to come across that way. Its hard to explain a couple of months worth of conversations that have led to this moment in a forum but I am trying.

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By *ugby 123Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

O o O oo

One of two things.....she liked the idea of the fantasy, but when it came to the crunch couldn't turn it into reality...or she was somehow testing you to see how far you would go.

Either way, she backed out of the deal you had, and you need to stop pushing for her to talk about it if she says she doesn't want to.

Having a profile on here probably won't help now either if she isn't even willing to talk about it now.

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By *ouplekinkCouple over a year ago

kink town

"I still don't get it?

In the time it has taken since you started this thread she has gone from not wanting to ever talk about it, to allowing you to go ahead and have your own meets without her?

Sounds dodgy to me."

So are you still looking for a meet?

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By *arnayguyMan over a year ago

Durham Tees

Hmmm, you reckon you are intending on being honest with your girlfiend on your profile and tell her about any meets. I really don't think that if she has clammed up and does not want to talk about the subject, you fucking other women then telling her about it is going to help this along.

It looks like you intend to cheat on her so long as you have your profile up.

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By *obinhood-maidmarionCouple over a year ago

Yorkshire area

"I'll be honest and maybe it's just the way I read it, but that comes across as the priority is getting your meet back on without really caring too much about her concerns or emotions."

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By *ouplekinkCouple over a year ago

kink town

"Hmmm, you reckon you are intending on being honest with your girlfiend on your profile and tell her about any meets. I really don't think that if she has clammed up and does not want to talk about the subject, you fucking other women then telling her about it is going to help this along.

It looks like you intend to cheat on her so long as you have your profile up."

Exactly the way i'm seeing it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

That is not the case, while she is not willing to talk about this or anything I am not arranging any meets whatsoever. And I am definately not going to push her on the subject. I have even been thinking about deleting this profile and if in the future she decides she wants to try again setting up a joint profile together.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"No i don't blame her, she's entitled to change her mind and I only want to do what we both agree on and if at any time she changes her mind fair enough. We have been talking about it for some time now so in that respect we were very well informed about the things we wanted to try out with each other etc, but this spur of the moment thing was wrong. Its not her fault at all, we should have both took things slower and not jumped into anything. I am not completely innocent here either but this was something that both of us got into. I knew in some respects what we were getting into, but obviously she had a change of heart which is fair enough, I just don't want her to close off completely which was my reason for posting.

The one thing you have not mentioned is your G/F's age. Assuming a lot, but is she younger than you? To be honest, just from reading what you have put in responses to other contributors, I think this is just a case of your GF simply NOT being anywhere near ready for swinging. This needs talking through properly and NOT in the middle of having sex! What she lead you on into was a fantasy and nothing more - it was never going to happen. I think she would have pulled out of it earlier, but the reason she doesn't want to discuss the matter any further is because you have shocked/frightened/worried her because SHE didn't think you would go as far with it as you did.

You have got to face a fact mate - your GF may not be ready for swinging for a long time yet - maybe 20 years, maybe NEVER. That's all it is.

However, you are now in the position of having a single mens profile on here wanting to meet women. So, just so we are clear, if that is without her knowledge then that is NOT swinging. It's called cheating.... and that is a whole different thread.....

and

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By *ouplekinkCouple over a year ago

kink town

"That is not the case, while she is not willing to talk about this or anything I am not arranging any meets whatsoever. And I am definately not going to push her on the subject. I have even been thinking about deleting this profile and if in the future she decides she wants to try again setting up a joint profile together."

So either state that you are not meeting at the moment or clearly state that it will be without your GF consent.

..or just delete!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I'd like the OPs post to be taken at face value if i'm honest.He's said he's not met anyone behind her back.He says shes said it was ok for him to be looking about online.

Why does it appear as this is just a fantasy....maybe half the moaning single fems and cpls are also fantasizing about some of the tripe they post....

once again looks like ppl trying to push some form of rise out of a poster

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By *iss_tressWoman over a year ago

London

Personally I'm confused by the ops profile: it's inconsistent.

However, fair play to the op for coming back and answering without being defensive

Good luck to you op!

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By *ishopstippleMan over a year ago

Purley

Why dont you test her if she really is into trying or just indulging your fantasies.

You profile states your bi-curious and She has also expressed interest in watching me suck a cock which I would be willing to try.

So instead of meeting a female fb for without her club events you both go for meeting a man. If you dont like cock ? she can still get a fuck out of the deal. if she says NO then you know shes not upforit at all and is just taking the piss.

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By *ohjaneCouple over a year ago

south staffs

The OP is wishing to learn about swinging. Surely the Fab forum is as good a place to start as any !! The more you (they) know about the subject, the more facts they have, the better they can make choices.

To the OP, please read as much as you can, and not just the fantasies, and encourage your GF to also read stuff that you think will illustrate to her what you were talking about.

Good luck

Jane x

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By *uicy lucy 12Woman over a year ago

wirral

"Hi,

i feel sorry for the other girl who was being set up??

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"it got close to the day and she changed her mind,that's all.live with it. if it were me i wouldn't even push it if she said she'd changed her mind again.

there's always the outside possibility she was testing you,in which case you're on thin ice

there's no mention of her on your profile.who knows? maybe she doesn't trust you"

this, sorry but you may have made a big mistake here

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

As a couple we indulge in swinging as a big turn on for both of us if one or both are not comfortable then it stops pure and simple , I personally don't understand why couples agree for separate meets?? Maybe I'm being a bit naive but I much prefer for my wife to get fulfilment while I watch and get fulfilment from the female side of the couple before we all get on together, like others have said there is a HUGE difference between fantasy and reality and to me it sounds like her fantasy is being pushed to reality by you when really she just wants it to be fantasy

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By *empting Devil.Woman over a year ago

Sheffield

There is a reason that fantasies are called fantasy not reality.

Some fantasies are best keep that way. I have had a previous relationship bomb badly after he pestered me to carry out his fantasy of me and a bisexual woman so he could watch. I'm not bi so I wasn't keen. Eventually he wore me down and I agreed. I'm still not bi, but she was very talented and didn't expect reciprocity. He was gutted we didn't want him to join in and later kept comparing my reactions to him to the way I reacted for her.

The relationship imploded.

Don't push her or you might just push her away.

By all means keep conversations open, but if she doesn't want to discuss it then credit her with the maturity to know her own mind.

Lots of things are really horny in the abstract but scary if they get real.

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