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Would you give up swinging for the right person
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Men - would you give up swinging/non-monogamy for the right woman?
Brief back story if you are interested  - I met my partner 6 years ago, i am 44 he is 48, he had always tried swinging/non-monogamy with previous partners with varying degrees of success and failure. I was up for exploring when we first got together, had a few fun times but then, i think really, after the first year I had had an interesting adventure and would just have liked to be with him as the difficulties outweighed the benefits for me. He was still really keen so I did the classic idiot thing of carrying on and trying to find a way to adapt to it to make him happy. It was an occassional thing not a lifestyle. Anyway, fast forward to this last year and I have just had it with it. We nearly broke up, him nearly ending it first at the "horrifying" thought of monogamy, but couldnt go through with it and then I ended it because engaging in the swinging and various things that happened and how stuff was handled broke a large part of my trust in him even though he never went back on any expressed boundaries we made. He didn't realise how bad things were till I broke it off with him, how badly I had been hurt etc. He is doing everything he can to repair it and now says he doesnt want to lose me and is "All in" now - monogamy and all. So i'm just wondering can a man like this really leave his non-mog ways behind? I'm trying to decide whether to listen to him and give him a chance - i do love still love him. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Men - would you give up swinging/non-monogamy for the right woman?
Brief back story if you are interested - I met my partner 6 years ago, i am 44 he is 48, he had always tried swinging/non-monogamy with previous partners with varying degrees of success and failure. I was up for exploring when we first got together, had a few fun times but then, i think really, after the first year I had had an interesting adventure and would just have liked to be with him as the difficulties outweighed the benefits for me. He was still really keen so I did the classic idiot thing of carrying on and trying to find a way to adapt to it to make him happy. It was an occassional thing not a lifestyle. Anyway, fast forward to this last year and I have just had it with it. We nearly broke up, him nearly ending it first at the "horrifying" thought of monogamy, but couldnt go through with it and then I ended it because engaging in the swinging and various things that happened and how stuff was handled broke a large part of my trust in him even though he never went back on any expressed boundaries we made. He didn't realise how bad things were till I broke it off with him, how badly I had been hurt etc. He is doing everything he can to repair it and now says he doesnt want to lose me and is "All in" now - monogamy and all. So i'm just wondering can a man like this really leave his non-mog ways behind? I'm trying to decide whether to listen to him and give him a chance - i do love still love him."
So you dont want to swing, dont want to meet others, have told your partner (nearly ex) but are still on Fab !!! Hmmmmm slightly at odds with what you say you want. A relationship should be 50/50 not just one person making the boundries |
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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago
South Wales |
I don’t know the answer OP. It’s a tough one really.
I’m sure some folk would be willing to walk away if they met the person of their dreams and the lifestyle was just something they dabbled in when going through a dry patch.
But, the fact he said no, you broke up with him and now he’s trying to claw the relationship back would leave me wondering whether it was just done genuinely because he wanted ME that much, or because he felt he had to and was trying to keep me happy, to his own detriment.
Only you know how strong and genuine the feelings and relationship are.
It’s a difficult position to be in and I hope you work things out that suit both of your future happiness. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I wouldn't ever get in a relationship with someone off here because I want monogamy, and not a lot of men on here do. Probably because they have been exposed to the secret that a lot of couples swing lol |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I would say that as long as he has neither lied to you, manipulated you or refused to accept your wishes then there is a chance for this to work.
It is just one chance mind but assuming you still love him and want it to work then I would say why not try the changes you are both proposing to make. If you find it a simple change and both happier as a result then great.
If one the other hand it becomes weeks of sniping at each other or resentment or any other negativity then you've got your red flag to end things right there and you'll probably both be happy to do so.
Don't leave yourself wondering "what if" and don't allow your emotional needs to be neglected. If you stick absolutely to the above two rules I don't think you'll feel bad no matter what the outcome. |
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The answer is yes with the right person a man can change lifestyle choices, I have done it in the past. For me it was love and a relationship that was so good there was no need to involve anyone else.
Though it is possible that doesn’t mean your partner will want to do it.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Men - would you give up swinging/non-monogamy for the right woman?
Brief back story if you are interested - I met my partner 6 years ago, i am 44 he is 48, he had always tried swinging/non-monogamy with previous partners with varying degrees of success and failure. I was up for exploring when we first got together, had a few fun times but then, i think really, after the first year I had had an interesting adventure and would just have liked to be with him as the difficulties outweighed the benefits for me. He was still really keen so I did the classic idiot thing of carrying on and trying to find a way to adapt to it to make him happy. It was an occassional thing not a lifestyle. Anyway, fast forward to this last year and I have just had it with it. We nearly broke up, him nearly ending it first at the "horrifying" thought of monogamy, but couldnt go through with it and then I ended it because engaging in the swinging and various things that happened and how stuff was handled broke a large part of my trust in him even though he never went back on any expressed boundaries we made. He didn't realise how bad things were till I broke it off with him, how badly I had been hurt etc. He is doing everything he can to repair it and now says he doesnt want to lose me and is "All in" now - monogamy and all. So i'm just wondering can a man like this really leave his non-mog ways behind? I'm trying to decide whether to listen to him and give him a chance - i do love still love him.
So you dont want to swing, dont want to meet others, have told your partner (nearly ex) but are still on Fab !!! Hmmmmm slightly at odds with what you say you want. A relationship should be 50/50 not just one person making the boundries"
In all fairness the OP’s profile does state that she uses it solely for the forums and she is not “meet verified” so that’s probably a bit unfair. |
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"The answer is yes with the right person a man can change lifestyle choices, I have done it in the past. For me it was love and a relationship that was so good there was no need to involve anyone else.
Though it is possible that doesn’t mean your partner will want to do it.
"
You can have a relationship that is "so good" and swing, in fact I would say that's important as poor relationships aren't suited to swinging. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The answer is yes with the right person a man can change lifestyle choices, I have done it in the past. For me it was love and a relationship that was so good there was no need to involve anyone else.
Though it is possible that doesn’t mean your partner will want to do it.
You can have a relationship that is "so good" and swing, in fact I would say that's important as poor relationships aren't suited to swinging."
Good comment x  |
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Did he know that you weren't happy doing it? If you're going to continue together I think you need to establish what you both "honestly" want and resolve to communicate. For what it's worth I think he means what he says, he's faced losing you and prefers life with you to swinging. |
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"The answer is yes with the right person a man can change lifestyle choices, I have done it in the past. For me it was love and a relationship that was so good there was no need to involve anyone else.
Though it is possible that doesn’t mean your partner will want to do it.
"
An interesting view point. |
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"I would say that as long as he has neither lied to you, manipulated you or refused to accept your wishes then there is a chance for this to work.
It is just one chance mind but assuming you still love him and want it to work then I would say why not try the changes you are both proposing to make. If you find it a simple change and both happier as a result then great.
If one the other hand it becomes weeks of sniping at each other or resentment or any other negativity then you've got your red flag to end things right there and you'll probably both be happy to do so.
Don't leave yourself wondering "what if" and don't allow your emotional needs to be neglected. If you stick absolutely to the above two rules I don't think you'll feel bad no matter what the outcome."
Great advice. I think many relationships of all lengths sometimes hits these impasse where the hopes/dreams/goals of one or both change or dift in other directions. In this case its to do with swinging but can be to do with so many other reasons. No one's fault, just you have naturally drifted in to a differing direction. A compromise that works is great. But a compromise often makes the compromised party feel repressed and unable to truly be them self or explore life the way they want to. This can ultimately be no good for either of you. Its a very difficult situation and I wish you both luck and the best possible outcome.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Men - would you give up swinging/non-monogamy for the right woman?
Brief back story if you are interested - I met my partner 6 years ago, i am 44 he is 48, he had always tried swinging/non-monogamy with previous partners with varying degrees of success and failure. I was up for exploring when we first got together, had a few fun times but then, i think really, after the first year I had had an interesting adventure and would just have liked to be with him as the difficulties outweighed the benefits for me. He was still really keen so I did the classic idiot thing of carrying on and trying to find a way to adapt to it to make him happy. It was an occassional thing not a lifestyle. Anyway, fast forward to this last year and I have just had it with it. We nearly broke up, him nearly ending it first at the "horrifying" thought of monogamy, but couldnt go through with it and then I ended it because engaging in the swinging and various things that happened and how stuff was handled broke a large part of my trust in him even though he never went back on any expressed boundaries we made. He didn't realise how bad things were till I broke it off with him, how badly I had been hurt etc. He is doing everything he can to repair it and now says he doesnt want to lose me and is "All in" now - monogamy and all. So i'm just wondering can a man like this really leave his non-mog ways behind? I'm trying to decide whether to listen to him and give him a chance - i do love still love him."
OP. No he can't. Its the simple but harsh truth.
Takes one to know one, believe me.
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I until now would have always said that no.... you can't give it up..
Yet having recently found something.. someone I know if it was them or swinging... ( the sexual side) I refuse to give up the social aspect. But I would if it was him or the sex with strangers...then in a heartbeat I would be monogamous.
Perhaps this is an easy statement as he has no intention of me having to give it up...
But yes.. I do think you can change |
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I'd make compromises and sacrifices for the right person, including sexually but only if I was certain I wanted to and was fully behind it. It would also probably be on the basis of the changes being right for that immediate time and we could consensually discuss and possibly - not definitely - change things in the future. Nothing should change or be attempted to change in arrears of either of us having done something against the spirit of the agreement.
There are often many ways that we can be satisfied. It's usually not by being within a relationship that doesn't have the right share of personal needs not being met or being honoured as a significant investment by 1 partner. If I couldn't reach agreement and be comfortable, I would leave |
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Has this all happened during the pandemic. Is he maybe hedging his bets to see him through what could be a long period with no sex as opposed to coupling up and playing monogamous until times are different. Yip call me a cynic  |
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Devil here. In my opinion, the answer to your question, OP, lies solely not whether or not you love each other enough but in whether he actually can be in a monogamous relationship. As there are plenty of people (more men than women usually, I guess it's to do with the biological imperative for men to "spread their seed") who cannot happily be with just one person, no matter feelings they have for that person. I know myself that I would not be able to have sex with just one person for the rest of my life, no matter how much I loved them or how great in bed they were. I need variety, different stimulation.
You probably need a very honest chat with your ex. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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As a 40 something year old, I think that once you have sampled the other side, it's hard to go back.
I'd love to find a partner to fall In love with but still have fun together.
But if you both love each other maybe try something new.
Buy him a cock cage, he won't be playing and he will adore you. Be his mistress. I don't know but replace it with something exciting, if you don't I'm afraid pandora's box can not be closed.
Good luck, hope you work it out. |
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To quote Lemmy: "I've never met a woman who could make me stop looking at all the others."
Seriously, permanently torpedoing someone's sex life is an absolutely mental way to show you're into them.
It's like forcing someone to pick a single food and demanding they eat only that one specific thing for every single meal until they die. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This is a hard one, if my husband told me to be with him I could never sing-I love singing, could I stay? If he told me even though there is the whole world out there I am only allowed to travel around England would that be fair of him? What people don’t realise about swinging is it’s so much more than intercourse. It is freedom to fully explore and learn who you really are and what you like, make connections of different levels with different people and find yourself, if he has almost found himself and knows exactly what his needs are and if you can meet them then maybe but do we ever really stop learning who we are we grow and change every year.. I think if he is willing to try it is worth trying also (if you love him) try to see what he swung for and if you on your own can help him explore together. You don’t have to have others join to keep it exciting and interesting but to close the door on swinging I think something needs to replace it, I hope you both find happiness |
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I'm not sure how relevant my situation is to OP as it is a bit different.
But before i met Babygirl i got never handle monogamy and was never sexual satisfied.
I had a single profile with verifications on here but I mostly use other datinf apps and picked girls up in RL.
But when i met Babygirl i knew i would never need any other women than her. Like instantly overnight deleted other apps and have never looked back. Fully fulfilled with love and lust.
Us ended up on here happened organically between us and still I have no desire for other women yet we both love the idea of a 3rd guy.
So yes I believe a man can change. Whether your man has changed out of fear of being alone or out of a genuine realisation you are all he needs, i couldn't say.
But listen to your gut instinct, if it's saying to call it a day, don't let any other fears keep you with him. |
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Me and husband met on here. We both deleted our single profiles before even meeting each other, our first meet was a date in the end having both said in our profiles we weren't in places to have a relationship. Two weeks later we were engaged.
This was five years ago, today is our third wedding anniversary. We have been entirely monogamous.... but have made a joint decision to come back. Make of that what you will, but I think you always come back to it eventually xx |
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By *irldnCouple
over a year ago
Brighton |
Mr B was a swinger in previous relationship (his intro) and then as single guy. Mrs B had dabbled a little bit. When we met we didn’t tell each other and stayed blissfully monogamous with every intention of staying that way until one day watching porn we started sharing fantasies and over a few weeks the truth came out about what we had done before...and 15+ yrs on and off swinging followed! |
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I would absolutely walk away from this scene without looking back if I met someone. It wouldn’t be a problem for me. Some people are like me, some aren’t.
I don’t think it matters what other people would do though. You know your man, and what he would do is all that matters. His knee jerk reaction was to end things when you mentioned monogamy, so swinging is clearly very important to him. He’s changed his mind to keep you, hopefully the real life realisation has made him see sense. If I were you I’d give it a go, but I’d be looking for signs that he wasn’t happy and it’s probably drive me crazy.
I hope you work things out OP |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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if we both didnt want to swing, then we would stop, but we only play as a couple.
if we arent both into it, the fun would be gone.
good luck op, hope you sort things out |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Men - would you give up swinging/non-monogamy for the right woman?
Brief back story if you are interested - I met my partner 6 years ago, i am 44 he is 48, he had always tried swinging/non-monogamy with previous partners with varying degrees of success and failure. I was up for exploring when we first got together, had a few fun times but then, i think really, after the first year I had had an interesting adventure and would just have liked to be with him as the difficulties outweighed the benefits for me. He was still really keen so I did the classic idiot thing of carrying on and trying to find a way to adapt to it to make him happy. It was an occassional thing not a lifestyle. Anyway, fast forward to this last year and I have just had it with it. We nearly broke up, him nearly ending it first at the "horrifying" thought of monogamy, but couldnt go through with it and then I ended it because engaging in the swinging and various things that happened and how stuff was handled broke a large part of my trust in him even though he never went back on any expressed boundaries we made. He didn't realise how bad things were till I broke it off with him, how badly I had been hurt etc. He is doing everything he can to repair it and now says he doesnt want to lose me and is "All in" now - monogamy and all. So i'm just wondering can a man like this really leave his non-mog ways behind? I'm trying to decide whether to listen to him and give him a chance - i do love still love him."
Yes I would. I want to fall in love. |
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By *manda63Woman
over a year ago
Southampton |
I got myself in a couple profile here for 4 years, it was monogamous. He met me less and less, now I'm single again and I'm looking for a regular but not monogamous again, I wasted the last 2 years on him |
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From reading op, it sounds like there's been a lack of openness and communication between the two of you.
So much, that it's caused trust issues.
If you feel the scene is no longer for you that's fair enough, but to ask him to change, when it seems he's been in the science for quite some time might not work.
Another way of looking at it might be to ask yourself if you love him enough to stay with him & let him carry on meeting others without you?
If he wants to change, yes it's possible. If he's being made to change, I think it's very unlikely.
I feel for you, and really hope that you work things out, without adding to the negative experience you've already felt. |
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I know you wanted men’s views, but speaking for myself - the right partner wouldn’t ask me to give it up. Monogamy doesn’t work for me, and I can’t see me ever choosing to go back to it. It would take someone truly exceptional to make me consider it, someone who could match my sex drive and could keep things interesting, but even then I don’t know if I could do it. To only have sex with one person for the rest of my life, to never have another threesome (or more), never sleep with someone of a different gender than my partner - I just don’t think I could do it. |
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