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Is the relationship I'm looking for realistic?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I've just updated my profile with a description of the kind of arrangement I'm looking for and I wanted to ask if people think it's realistic or even possible to find someone like that.
I'm owned but my Master does not live with me. I want a boyfriend to cuddle and do "normal" relationship activities with when I'm not with my owner. Here's the catch: I need for him to respect my relationship to my Master and accept that I'm fully controlled by Him and therefore our relationship will be too. I don't want someone who is looking to just do this for a scene - this would be a lifestyle, and I'd want them to enjoy that.
Thoughts? |
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Though fab is largely a vanilla site, I’ve met with a few dominant people and poly people who truly understand and respect kink and different relationship styles. I think you’ll be fine here but it might also be worth checking out other sites too that are more tailored to our lifestyles.
Hope you find what you’re looking for x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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kitten you have a big problem:
"He has no interest in dominating a man" -- yet you are requiring a man to effectively submit to him. So... while I do not think the dynamic you are looking for is unrealistic, I do not believe your Master/owner is able or willing to support it.
To expand, you say that "he has no interest in stopping me from fulfilling my non-sexual needs". But as your mentor, Master and owner, what is he doing to facilitate you in achieving said needs? He has already put down his own wishes and desires and has made some allowance for yours, but he has no interest in the man whose sex/love life he will be controlling... really? Can't see that working long-term.
Expecting someone to slot into your dynamic is in general unrealistic. The more involved the relationship, the more specific the rules, the more negotiating power the new party should be allowed. For example, if you wanted someone to come over give you cuddles, make you tea and play video games, that does not require negotiation, someone can take it or leave it and you would find plenty of people wanting it. But if you want someone to be your true, real-life companion, but give up on what all of us (yes even submissive people) assume to be a part of a normal relationship, then this requires them having a say when setting the arrangement.
I hope what I wrote makes sense to you. I wish you best of luck. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I've just updated my profile with a description of the kind of arrangement I'm looking for and I wanted to ask if people think it's realistic or even possible to find someone like that.
I'm owned but my Master does not live with me. I want a boyfriend to cuddle and do "normal" relationship activities with when I'm not with my owner. Here's the catch: I need for him to respect my relationship to my Master and accept that I'm fully controlled by Him and therefore our relationship will be too. I don't want someone who is looking to just do this for a scene - this would be a lifestyle, and I'd want them to enjoy that.
Thoughts?"
You'd have a pretty tough time finding someone willing to do that. If you want all the cuddly stuff from a boyfriend, and you won't get it from your master, get a new master. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think what you are looking for is a cuckold relationship, a good cuckold accepts his wifes bull is the dominant alpha male in his wife's life & as such will decide how & what his wife does sexually but the cuddles & loving moments are still spent together as man & wife just as a cuckold I have no penetrive sexual contact with my wife, hope this helps |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think what you are looking for is a cuckold relationship, a good cuckold accepts his wifes bull is the dominant alpha male in his wife's life & as such will decide how & what his wife does sexually but the cuddles & loving moments are still spent together as man & wife just as a cuckold I have no penetrive sexual contact with my wife, hope this helps"
I've thought of it some more and came back to add exactly this! It may be helpful to look for single men who are wishing to enter a cuck relationship (there are a few to ferret out around here).
I gotta say though, from what I've seen the younger single men who want a hotwife type want someone who is sexually active with many, and who has her own agendas/desires. The "cuck&wife plus bull" dynamic seems to be more common when well-established couples move into it (adding a bull dom or lover). So not sure what a hopeful cuck would say to this preexisting setup, better ask them  |
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I think anything is possible and if you put it out there and ask for it - you might just get it. I have been owned by another man at the same time as being happily married... you never know what you will find on fab - good luck x  cups of tea, cuddles and dirty dirty sex... |
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It sounds rather tough to me.
This potential partner would have to have a very specific kink, particularly when your Master isn't interested in dominating men.
Can you be flexible on the exclusivity thing? You'd probably have more luck if so. Men would be more likely to happily go along with your dynamic if they can also have something else of their own. |
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Honest opinion.. If you're demanding exclusity with a man whilst making it clear to him that you will always put another man before him, you won't get many takers
As others have said, the only possibility is if you find a man into deep submission /humiliation, but as others have also said, the fact that your master won't dominate him will limit even guys like that.
What you will get is lots of fantasists wanting to talk all about it whilst having a good wank, with no intention of actually meeting. And even if you do meet someone there are very very few blokes who would be happy to see this as a lifestyle rather than a one off opportunity to get their submissive rocks off.
Sorry  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Thank you all for your replies. I realise it will be difficult.
I have previously tried to see if I could date a cuckold/submissive guy but that might be difficult if they can't have their own submissive side satisfied. Also if he's very dominant he might be unsatisfied too unless he can have a submissive of his own, which I wouldn't mind. I think my definition of exclusivity might be a bit looser than most people, I would only require full knowledge and honestly about who he met, not that we can only have sex with each other |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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if you choose a submissive cuckold as your partner
You could easily sexually dominate him whilste still retaining the closeness of cuddles, kisses & close times together, a cuckold will want to worship, love, you & please, put your cuck into permenant chastity allow him to pleasure you only with his tongue & toys of your choice saving full penetrave sex only for your Master & whoever your Master chooses to have sex with you, your cuckold will accept he cannot satisfy you as your Master can this will fulfill cucks sumissve needs & he will be so very happy to serve & love you providing the tender moments as your cuckold partner,
x |
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"Thank you all for your replies. I realise it will be difficult.
I have previously tried to see if I could date a cuckold/submissive guy but that might be difficult if they can't have their own submissive side satisfied. Also if he's very dominant he might be unsatisfied too unless he can have a submissive of his own, which I
wouldn't mind. I think my definition of exclusivity might be a bit looser than most people, I would only require full knowledge and honestly about who he met, not that we can only have sex with each other "
stay as u are and and hang out with me on ur days off lol i do love going to chamelions its my favorite club |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Huh. Well, I suppose I'd better add my 2p to this huh
Kitten is as free as any other person, and she chooses to submit to me (enthusiastically, I might add). If she wasn't happy then I would move mountains to make her happy (well, maybe I would have her move them - but you get my point). If she no longer wanted to submit to me then there would be no "penalty" and she would not lose me as a friend. There's no "trap", so to speak - we're just happy how things are, and want to add to it.
This is very much us trying to have our cake and eat it, but then so much about non-monogamy is. If this doesn't work out then she might try normal dating (again) - but we found that nobody she met was worth meeting again (it's not for nothing that I have a low opinion of many doms, who seemed to think they could start commanding her like Alexa from the table of a first date!)
I wouldn't want anyone entering such a relationship to be "settling", either - we're quite up-front about what we do and don't want, and there's a lot of space there for what another person might want or not want. "Exclusivity" would pertain to the relationship generally (she doesn't want to be someone's Tuesday night girlfriend, but have a more meaningful relationship). Couples swing!
I suspect what we're looking for is a kind of cuckold relationship. But kitten doesn't want to be dominating or actively humiliating her partner, which is often part of that dynamic (he may well find what I do humiliating, and if he gets off on that all the better). I'm happy to order (or drag) a man about in a room or a scene, but more generally I don't want a male submissive - I just wouldn't enjoy owning a man. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"kitten you have a big problem:
"He has no interest in dominating a man" -- yet you are requiring a man to effectively submit to him. So... while I do not think the dynamic you are looking for is unrealistic, I do not believe your Master/owner is able or willing to support it.
To expand, you say that "he has no interest in stopping me from fulfilling my non-sexual needs". But as your mentor, Master and owner, what is he doing to facilitate you in achieving said needs? He has already put down his own wishes and desires and has made some allowance for yours, but he has no interest in the man whose sex/love life he will be controlling... really? Can't see that working long-term.
Expecting someone to slot into your dynamic is in general unrealistic. The more involved the relationship, the more specific the rules, the more negotiating power the new party should be allowed. For example, if you wanted someone to come over give you cuddles, make you tea and play video games, that does not require negotiation, someone can take it or leave it and you would find plenty of people wanting it. But if you want someone to be your true, real-life companion, but give up on what all of us (yes even submissive people) assume to be a part of a normal relationship, then this requires them having a say when setting the arrangement.
I hope what I wrote makes sense to you. I wish you best of luck."
Just this!
Your master should be thinking through your welfare in more detail. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"kitten you have a big problem:
"He has no interest in dominating a man" -- yet you are requiring a man to effectively submit to him. So... while I do not think the dynamic you are looking for is unrealistic, I do not believe your Master/owner is able or willing to support it.
To expand, you say that "he has no interest in stopping me from fulfilling my non-sexual needs". But as your mentor, Master and owner, what is he doing to facilitate you in achieving said needs? He has already put down his own wishes and desires and has made some allowance for yours, but he has no interest in the man whose sex/love life he will be controlling... really? Can't see that working long-term.
Expecting someone to slot into your dynamic is in general unrealistic. The more involved the relationship, the more specific the rules, the more negotiating power the new party should be allowed. For example, if you wanted someone to come over give you cuddles, make you tea and play video games, that does not require negotiation, someone can take it or leave it and you would find plenty of people wanting it. But if you want someone to be your true, real-life companion, but give up on what all of us (yes even submissive people) assume to be a part of a normal relationship, then this requires them having a say when setting the arrangement.
I hope what I wrote makes sense to you. I wish you best of luck.
Just this!
Your master should be thinking through your welfare in more detail."
Just to be clear I'm not being forced to do this or submit to my Master so not sure why you're assuming that he's not thinking about my welfare. This is what I wanted because I don't want to give up what I currently have in favour of a more conventional relationship. |
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So basically you want a man to have a bf /gf relationship with kitten and he has to be prepared to accept the orders of a man outside the relationship controlling the relationship whilst having no sexual interest in him. Also, kitten is not looking to sexually dominate this man
So, hetero men who like to be sub to women won't be interested (as there's no female domination) and bi men who like to be sub to men won't be interested (as the male is not sexually interested in them). Needless to say, men who aren't sub will not be interested in a relationship where some other bloke gets to tell them what they can and can't do with their gf.
You're not only looking for a unicorn, you're looking for a unicorn with a PHD from a leading university. |
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I would add, what you will get are the following.
1. Blokes who want to talk in extensive detail as to how it would work but are always too busy to meet just yet. They are literally wankers.
2. Blokes who will say they are interested and will meet up for a shag then disappear. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"You might find it, you might not, all I see is alot of we and I want, not much of what the person you're trying to find would get out of it. "
I'm sorry when you look for a partner do you consider what the person gets out of it or would each party normally consider their needs and wants and then see if those match?  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"So basically you want a man to have a bf /gf relationship with kitten and he has to be prepared to accept the orders of a man outside the relationship controlling the relationship whilst having no sexual interest in him. Also, kitten is not looking to sexually dominate this man
So, hetero men who like to be sub to women won't be interested (as there's no female domination) and bi men who like to be sub to men won't be interested (as the male is not sexually interested in them). Needless to say, men who aren't sub will not be interested in a relationship where some other bloke gets to tell them what they can and can't do with their gf.
You're not only looking for a unicorn, you're looking for a unicorn with a PHD from a leading university. "
Yes please to a unicorn 
I see your point. It will be a challenge, if not impossible, to find someone who will fit into our dynamic. Hopefully I'll be able to avoid those two scenarios that you mentioned. Thank you |
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By *eeleyWoman
over a year ago
Dudley |
"You might find it, you might not, all I see is alot of we and I want, not much of what the person you're trying to find would get out of it.
I'm sorry when you look for a partner do you consider what the person gets out of it or would each party normally consider their needs and wants and then see if those match? "
It's not really the same though as yours would be a 3 person relationship and the newest one is basically just going to be an add on to the relationship you already have.
You're looking for someone to fulfil yours and your masters needs, not an equal in a relationship. |
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"So basically you want a man to have a bf /gf relationship with kitten and he has to be prepared to accept the orders of a man outside the relationship controlling the relationship whilst having no sexual interest in him. Also, kitten is not looking to sexually dominate this man
So, hetero men who like to be sub to women won't be interested (as there's no female domination) and bi men who like to be sub to men won't be interested (as the male is not sexually interested in them). Needless to say, men who aren't sub will not be interested in a relationship where some other bloke gets to tell them what they can and can't do with their gf.
You're not only looking for a unicorn, you're looking for a unicorn with a PHD from a leading university.
Yes please to a unicorn
I see your point. It will be a challenge, if not impossible, to find someone who will fit into our dynamic. Hopefully I'll be able to avoid those two scenarios that you mentioned. Thank you "
I'd say you have about as much chance as winning the lottery. It's not impossible, but it's extremely unlikely.
What you might get is a bloke willing to have an ongoing fb type relationship based on this scenario, but I really can't see anyone being willing to enter into a gf/bf relationship where its made clear that (a) another man is your priority and (b) that man gets to say when he can have sex. |
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By *hickennchipsWoman
over a year ago
up above the streets and houses |
Unrealistic yes. But that’s coming from someone who fails to see the appeal of being ‘Owned’ by anyone, and I don’t think that any man would be interested in this sort of relationship long term  |
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"You might find it, you might not, all I see is alot of we and I want, not much of what the person you're trying to find would get out of it.
I'm sorry when you look for a partner do you consider what the person gets out of it or would each party normally consider their needs and wants and then see if those match?
It's not really the same though as yours would be a 3 person relationship and the newest one is basically just going to be an add on to the relationship you already have.
You're looking for someone to fulfil yours and your masters needs, not an equal in a relationship. "
Well yes, the only hope would be a sub guy who gets off on being controlled in this way, but as the woman is not willing to domme the bloke and as the master is apparently not interested in domming the bloke either (apart from stopping him having sex), I can't see many sub guys seeing it as a tempting offer... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have absolutely nothing to add that is helpful, but I'm following the thread with interest as I'm fascinated by the dynamics of relationships that aren't the norm.
My thoughts are that relationships and friendships can begin anywhere.
Best of luck op. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm hearing a lot of concern that the guy would be giving a lot but not receiving anything in return. I think that's unfair, and I'll give you a few examples.
The lucky man would get:
- A built-in male friend - good for drinking beer, shooting the shit etc.
- A girlfriend that can take yoghurt and spinach and make it into something only a vegetarian could love.
- A Pavlovian arousal to the sound of a chastity belt's smart lock.
- ..cheese. we'll throw in some weekly Wensleydale.
Anything else we could add to sweeten the deal? |
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"I'm hearing a lot of concern that the guy would be giving a lot but not receiving anything in return. I think that's unfair, and I'll give you a few examples.
The lucky man would get:
- A built-in male friend - good for drinking beer, shooting the shit etc.
- A girlfriend that can take yoghurt and spinach and make it into something only a vegetarian could love.
- A Pavlovian arousal to the sound of a chastity belt's smart lock.
- ..cheese. we'll throw in some weekly Wensleydale.
Anything else we could add to sweeten the deal?"
But this male friend will tell him when he can have sex with his girlfriend. Can't see many going for that. |
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Lots of poly dynamics work well.
I've read nothing in the op to suggest she needs to date a submissive man and anyone that joined their dynamic would be her boyfriend and potentially live in or marry. No one knows what the future will hold.
I'm also fairly certain the searched for male would be able to continue swinging as long as it is all honest and open.
It's not for everyone no but ample people have successful relationships with one of them having a Dom or other kink connection. |
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By *eeleyWoman
over a year ago
Dudley |
"I'm hearing a lot of concern that the guy would be giving a lot but not receiving anything in return. I think that's unfair, and I'll give you a few examples.
The lucky man would get:
- A built-in male friend - good for drinking beer, shooting the shit etc.
- A girlfriend that can take yoghurt and spinach and make it into something only a vegetarian could love.
- A Pavlovian arousal to the sound of a chastity belt's smart lock.
- ..cheese. we'll throw in some weekly Wensleydale.
Anything else we could add to sweeten the deal?
But this male friend will tell him when he can have sex with his girlfriend. Can't see many going for that. "
The guy you quoted is the male friend. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I am really hoping the best for you Op and your owner....
After reading your post , I will not settle anymore...
I am seeking and will only date a woman that looks like Heidi Klum , cooks like Martha Stewart, fucks like Jenna Jamison , and as wealthy as Oprah Winfrey...... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"kitten you have a big problem:
"He has no interest in dominating a man" -- yet you are requiring a man to effectively submit to him. So... while I do not think the dynamic you are looking for is unrealistic, I do not believe your Master/owner is able or willing to support it.
To expand, you say that "he has no interest in stopping me from fulfilling my non-sexual needs". But as your mentor, Master and owner, what is he doing to facilitate you in achieving said needs? He has already put down his own wishes and desires and has made some allowance for yours, but he has no interest in the man whose sex/love life he will be controlling... really? Can't see that working long-term.
Expecting someone to slot into your dynamic is in general unrealistic. The more involved the relationship, the more specific the rules, the more negotiating power the new party should be allowed. For example, if you wanted someone to come over give you cuddles, make you tea and play video games, that does not require negotiation, someone can take it or leave it and you would find plenty of people wanting it. But if you want someone to be your true, real-life companion, but give up on what all of us (yes even submissive people) assume to be a part of a normal relationship, then this requires them having a say when setting the arrangement.
I hope what I wrote makes sense to you. I wish you best of luck.
Just this!
Your master should be thinking through your welfare in more detail.
Just to be clear I'm not being forced to do this or submit to my Master so not sure why you're assuming that he's not thinking about my welfare. This is what I wanted because I don't want to give up what I currently have in favour of a more conventional relationship."
Never suggested you are being forced but If you are abiding by rules negotiated between you and your master and said master is not interested in anyone else in the dynamic its not a good start to even looking... |
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"I'm hearing a lot of concern that the guy would be giving a lot but not receiving anything in return. I think that's unfair, and I'll give you a few examples.
The lucky man would get:
- A built-in male friend - good for drinking beer, shooting the shit etc.
- A girlfriend that can take yoghurt and spinach and make it into something only a vegetarian could love.
- A Pavlovian arousal to the sound of a chastity belt's smart lock.
- ..cheese. we'll throw in some weekly Wensleydale.
Anything else we could add to sweeten the deal?
But this male friend will tell him when he can have sex with his girlfriend. Can't see many going for that.
The guy you quoted is the male friend. "
I know. Hence my post. |
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By *eeleyWoman
over a year ago
Dudley |
"I'm hearing a lot of concern that the guy would be giving a lot but not receiving anything in return. I think that's unfair, and I'll give you a few examples.
The lucky man would get:
- A built-in male friend - good for drinking beer, shooting the shit etc.
- A girlfriend that can take yoghurt and spinach and make it into something only a vegetarian could love.
- A Pavlovian arousal to the sound of a chastity belt's smart lock.
- ..cheese. we'll throw in some weekly Wensleydale.
Anything else we could add to sweeten the deal?
But this male friend will tell him when he can have sex with his girlfriend. Can't see many going for that.
The guy you quoted is the male friend.
I know. Hence my post. "
Ah ok. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Sounds like you need a nice, loving asexual man who'll give you everything but the sex. I'm sure they exist out there somewhere. Maybe there are asexual dating sites??"
I would still want a sexual relationship with my boyfriend. Like any other couple, vanilla or kinky. I think what didn't come across was that my owner might stop me from having sex or cumming for a month, or not, either as a punishment for something or for other reasons. He has never done it but it's his prerogative. But in general, the relationship would be "normal" including having sex like any other couple. |
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By *eeleyWoman
over a year ago
Dudley |
"Sounds like you need a nice, loving asexual man who'll give you everything but the sex. I'm sure they exist out there somewhere. Maybe there are asexual dating sites??
I would still want a sexual relationship with my boyfriend. Like any other couple, vanilla or kinky. I think what didn't come across was that my owner might stop me from having sex or cumming for a month, or not, either as a punishment for something or for other reasons. He has never done it but it's his prerogative. But in general, the relationship would be "normal" including having sex like any other couple."
But the boyfriend would be punished too by not being allowed to fuck his gf? |
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By *urvySub87Woman
over a year ago
Near Wellingborough |
Yeah I'm still leaning towards the only way I think this can work is for you to compromise and have an asexual bf, it's not really fair to tell a guy no sex for a month. At least with an asexual guy it wouldn't matter as much. Unless you find a guy with a super low drive. I don't know what else to suggest really.
Good luck though |
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"I've just updated my profile with a description of the kind of arrangement I'm looking for and I wanted to ask if people think it's realistic or even possible to find someone like that.
I'm owned but my Master does not live with me. I want a boyfriend to cuddle and do "normal" relationship activities with when I'm not with my owner. Here's the catch: I need for him to respect my relationship to my Master and accept that I'm fully controlled by Him and therefore our relationship will be too. I don't want someone who is looking to just do this for a scene - this would be a lifestyle, and I'd want them to enjoy that.
Thoughts?"
I don't see why you can't find that relationship. If you are upfront about your current relationship and what you are looking for the guy can make an informed choice. It may be a bit harder but not impossible. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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everything you say you require from a partner says you really are looking for a willing cuckold & with any relationship search you may have to kiss a few frogs before you find your cuck
x |
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