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Jokes?

By *acko9568 OP Man over a year ago

saltburn

What’s your favourite joke? Here’s a taster:

Load of guys in a changing room. suddenly a phone rang and the guy answered it on speakerphone and started to chat. All the other guys listened in.

MAN: Hello

WOMAN: Hi babe, it's me. You down the club?

MAN: Yes

WOMAN: I'm doing some shopping right now and spotted this gorgeous leather jacket. It's on sale at £2k. Can I get it?

MAN: No, I don't mind. You want it, go and get it

WOMAN: I stopped by the Mercedes dealership earlier. They've got that latest model in cherry red. It looks gorgeous

MAN: How much?

WOMAN: £70k

MAN: Sounds good. But for that, tell them we want all the bells and whistles, leather upholstery and trim

WOMAN: Wow!!Right, I'll do the deal. One more thing, I was talking to Julie and she said that lovely house is back on the market. £980k

MAN: Bis £900k. They'll probably take it but if not, I'll put the rest in too.

WOMAN: Oh honey, I do love you, see you later.

They hung up and the guy turned to all the other open-mouthed, astonished guys and said,

"Anyone know whose phone this is?"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Love this one ????????

There once was a Red Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,'

If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.

He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day,

Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why ???

OH, come on... Take a guess !!!

Think about it !!!

You're going to love this !!!

Everyone knows..

You can't kill Two Birds

With

OneStone !!??????????

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"What’s your favourite joke? Here’s a taster:

Load of guys in a changing room. suddenly a phone rang and the guy answered it on speakerphone and started to chat. All the other guys listened in.

MAN: Hello

WOMAN: Hi babe, it's me. You down the club?

MAN: Yes

WOMAN: I'm doing some shopping right now and spotted this gorgeous leather jacket. It's on sale at £2k. Can I get it?

MAN: No, I don't mind. You want it, go and get it

WOMAN: I stopped by the Mercedes dealership earlier. They've got that latest model in cherry red. It looks gorgeous

MAN: How much?

WOMAN: £70k

MAN: Sounds good. But for that, tell them we want all the bells and whistles, leather upholstery and trim

WOMAN: Wow!!Right, I'll do the deal. One more thing, I was talking to Julie and she said that lovely house is back on the market. £980k

MAN: Bis £900k. They'll probably take it but if not, I'll put the rest in too.

WOMAN: Oh honey, I do love you, see you later.

They hung up and the guy turned to all the other open-mouthed, astonished guys and said,

"Anyone know whose phone this is?""

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 03/02/20 16:04:47]

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A teacher stands in front of her class

"Today we will talk about sex, does anyone know what that is?"

Little girl puts her hand up

"Yes"

Little girl " I saw my dad moving ontop of my mum and they were naked, is that sex?"

Teacher - "that's correct"

Little Jonnie puts his hand up

"Yes"

Little Jonnie " miss i was watching a western and two Indians jumped on Buffalo Bill's back, is that sex miss"

Teacher " no that is not"

Little Jonnie " i always knew it would take more than two Indians to fuck Buffalo Bill"

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By *asey666Man over a year ago

Dublin 13

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By *NTLovers2Couple over a year ago

Warrington

A man goes into a confectioners shop in Glasgow and asks " is that a cake or a meringue " ?

The shop assistant replies in her Glaswegian accent " no hen,yer right, it's a Cake "

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Family are having breakfast

Kid says,”mummy....what was you and daddy doing on the kitchen table last night?”

Mum and Dad look nervously at each other

“What do you mean darling?” Mummy asked

“Well” says the kid, “when I came downstairs you were both rolling around on the table”

Panic sets in they desperately think of an excuse.

“Ah!” Mummy replied, “Daddy and I were making a nice cake sweetheart.”

The kid is ecstatic at this news “I KNEW that’s what you were doing, so I sneaked back down later and licked up all the icing that you spilled “

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By *acko9568 OP Man over a year ago

saltburn

"Family are having breakfast

Kid says,”mummy....what was you and daddy doing on the kitchen table last night?”

Mum and Dad look nervously at each other

“What do you mean darling?” Mummy asked

“Well” says the kid, “when I came downstairs you were both rolling around on the table”

Panic sets in they desperately think of an excuse.

“Ah!” Mummy replied, “Daddy and I were making a nice cake sweetheart.”

The kid is ecstatic at this news “I KNEW that’s what you were doing, so I sneaked back down later and licked up all the icing that you spilled “

?? ??????

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By *ge_load_ladMan over a year ago

NW & Mids

Whats the difference between light and hard??

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By *ge_load_ladMan over a year ago

NW & Mids

You can get to sleep with a light on

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By *bridge manMan over a year ago

lanarkshire

Nervous woman goes to the dentist and sits in the chair

Dentist says "comfy"

She said "Coatbridge"

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By *asey666Man over a year ago

Dublin 13

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

86 year old guy shuffles into doctors on his zimmer and says to receptionist

"I'd like to see a doctor"

"Why whats wrong?" She said

"I have a problem with my willy"

Shocked the receptionist says such things are private and should not be said to a lady. She tells him "If its a personal problem like that you make it up and say something's wrong with your ear"

She gives him a real telling off and sends him out to try again from the start. So the poor old lad shuffles out on his zimmer shuffles back in and says

"I'd like to see a doctor"

"Why whats wrong?" She said

"I have a problem with my ear"

"Whats wrong with your ear?" She asks

"I cant piss through it" he replies..........

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By *asey666Man over a year ago

Dublin 13

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By *asey666Man over a year ago

Dublin 13

An old man sitting on a park bench crying. He must have been 90.

A young man passing notices and asks if he was ok.

No replies the the old man. What's up replied the passer by.

I just married a beautiful 19 year old.Blond petite geougous

She's sex mad can't get enough of me.

Rode me all night and woke me up with the best blow job I ever had.

Don't see the the problem said the passer by.

I can't remember where I live replied the old man

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By *acko9568 OP Man over a year ago

saltburn

Some brill jokes there. Well done for cheering us all up

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot:

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account. At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

"You must have worked very hard to earn all this." Said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied. "Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house."

"My goodness gracious." Said the cashier. "And will you be working on the house again next week?"

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

"I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the fucking bricks on time."

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By *acko9568 OP Man over a year ago

saltburn

Pmsl

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By *asey666Man over a year ago

Dublin 13

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By *azpiz1Man over a year ago

Camberley

Don't read this if you are religious...

Adam and Eve are enjoying another beautiful day in the garden of eden, when God manifests in front of them.

They exchange pleasantries, and then Adam asks "what have you got there God?"

God says "I was clearing out my workshop, and I found two gifts I'd forgotten about - there is one each. Who wants to take theirs first?"

Adam piped up "oh me, me me!" Eve rolled her eyes and said "go on then"

Adam took his gift, and Eve took hers.

Adam looked at his gift. "Ohhh" he said "the ability to pee standing up! Amazing! Thank you God!" And with that, rushed off to their toilet place, and proceeded to piss standing up. "This is fantastic!" He said, with a big grin. "No more squatting for me!"

He looked at Eve. "What did you get?" He asked.

Eve said "Something called multiple orgasms"...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Paddy and Murphy fancy a Pint but only have a euro between them. Paddy goes off and buys a sausage.

Murphy says are You mad? Now we're skint! Come on says Paddy follow Me.

They go into the pub order two pints and drink them before they pay. Paddy shoves the Sausage through the zipper of his Jeans and tells Murphy to get down on his Knee's and suck it. The Barman go's berserk and throws them out.

10 pubs and 10 pints later Murphy says..

'I cant do this any more, my Knee's are sore and I'm pissed.

How do you think i feel? Says Paddy, I can't even remember which Pub I lost the Sausage in!? ??

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By *asey666Man over a year ago

Dublin 13

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By *asey666Man over a year ago

Dublin 13

"What's the difference between an Ethiopian baby and a pair of jeans??

There's only 1 fly on a pair of jeans.. "

Sorry don't find this funny. Love a laugh and even though I am no racist I will laugh at a black man joke if I thought it was funny and a black person would break into a smile when reading it. I am Irish and love a good Irish joke.like the posted earlier about the sausage. But that joke was just so wrong.

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By *orth East TruckerMan over a year ago

Fraserburgh

BREAKING NEWS: Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus..

In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy.. He presented with vomit on his sweater already.. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti,,,

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By *acko9568 OP Man over a year ago

saltburn

At least only 1 of questionable taste but some belters so far

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Man walks past a pie shop and saw a sign reading:

Pies 50p or Wanks for a £1

So he goes into the shop and theres this really fit bird behind the counter;

So he asks her:

"Are you the lady who does the Wanks??"

To which she smiles and replies:

"YES, I am"

So the man tells her:

Can you please wash your hands because I want a pie!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My mate got really, really angry with me the other day for sniffing his wife's underwear;

I don't know whether it was because she was still in them or wot!!

Needless to say the rest of the guest's at his mother in-laws funeral didn't seem to like me too well after that either!

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By *acko9568 OP Man over a year ago

saltburn

"My mate got really, really angry with me the other day for sniffing his wife's underwear;

I don't know whether it was because she was still in them or wot!!

Needless to say the rest of the guest's at his mother in-laws funeral didn't seem to like me too well after that either!

The best one yet, truly outstanding my friend

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By *hippy57Man over a year ago

Chelmsford

American Indian in teepee with his son,

Son:dad why is my sister called sunshine.

Dad:when she born I looked out of teepee and the sun rising.

Son:why my brother called nighthawk.

Dad:when he born I look out of teepee and night falling,I look up and see a hawk,why do you ask two dogs fucking ,

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I went for a check up on my testicles the other day and this Thai nurse who was cupping my balls in her hand said:

"Don't worry, it's normal to get an erection when this sorta thing happens"

I said;"I don't have an erection!!"

To which she replied;

I know but I have"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A priest was riding his bike down the road when he saw a pig lying dead in the gutter!

So he went to inform the local police and the smart arsed desk sergeant cockily asks the priest:

"Have you read him the last rites" ... Laughing sarcastically

To which the priest replied:

No, I thought I'd inform his next of kin first

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By *hunderstruckMan over a year ago

Northampton

I met a woman in a bar last week .

She said my Carmen ,and I like cars and I like men. What’s your name

I said Lager Fanny

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Right last one for 2night;

Theres a Scouser, Cockney and a Manc all in a well to do strip club;

The Manc stands up and pulls a tenner out and pushes it down the front of the strippers knickers and sits back down... So not to be outdone;

The Cockney stands up, pulls out £20 flicks it and puts that down the strippers knickers and sits back down....Then watching all this;

The Scouser stands up, whips out his cash card and slides it right along the strippers arse cheeks, takes the £30 cashback and buys a round of drinks

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By *acko9568 OP Man over a year ago

saltburn

Anymore cracking jokes peeps?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Engaged young couple go to see their parish priest..

The man says ..vicar, in this modern age is it wrong to have sex before marriage?

The vicar says,no but it would embarrass the congregation and the brides mother would be furious!

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By *obupMan over a year ago

blackburn

With fresh spunk running down her chin she looks deep into his eyes and says.............

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By *obupMan over a year ago

blackburn

What have you put in this sandwich?

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By *obupMan over a year ago

blackburn

I’ll get my coat x

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By *asey666Man over a year ago

Dublin 13

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Then the man says..would the Church ban us for having sex in public?

Vicar says.... Oh my goodness!!, well my son it wouldn't be condoned but as long as you apologized to God you wouldn't be banned from the Church. Why do you ask?

Man says...

Well were banned from Tesco and the manager was a right arse when we said sorry!

Vicar says..oh go

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By *av501TV/TS over a year ago

Mancetter?

"A priest was riding his bike down the road when he saw a pig lying dead in the gutter!

So he went to inform the local police and the smart arsed desk sergeant cockily asks the priest:

"Have you read him the last rites" ... Laughing sarcastically

To which the priest replied:

No, I thought I'd inform his next of kin first

Paddy driving home from the boozer after 14 pints of Guiness goes around the bend and theres a big crash and his transit van comes to a standstill......

Dazed and confused he gets out rounds the front of the van then gasps in horror..... Feck! Feck! B'Jaesus Mary and mother Of God and the Feckin Desciples what have i done im such a Feckin Eejit....

. Quick mobile out ....... he rings his Brother......

Murphy is that you yourself there now ......

Yes Patrick it is me myself whats the matter you sound Feckin aweful .....whats to do so!!

Ooohhhhh murphy ive done a terrible thing in the van D*unk!!! Ive come around the bend at McClearys place and hit a feckin pig ......oh Murphy help me ..what shall i do .......

Patrick calm down so! Chuck the feckin pig under the hedge and get home .....

Ok Murphy ill do that so i will ........but Murphy ?? ........

Yes Patrick what is it now ....

Murphy, what shall i do with the cunts bicycle.......

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By *acko9568 OP Man over a year ago

saltburn

[Removed by poster at 18/02/20 10:14:46]

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Two clowns juggling with eggs,first clown says to the other,your make up is crap and your shoes dont squeak,then misses the catch and the egg smacks him in the face and breaks

Second clown says looks like the yolks on you now

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My wife came down from having a bath,gave me a wink and said,”I shaved my pussy in the bath and you know what that means”.i said yes. “ the plug hole is blocked .

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By *unguy891000Man over a year ago

Bristol

I came out of the bathroom my Mrs said you smell nice what you got on i said a hard on didn't know you could smell it

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By *acko9568 OP Man over a year ago

saltburn

Hahaha

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By *ubyPearlWoman over a year ago

Ashington

Lol love it xx

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By *assy_AttitudeWoman over a year ago

RHYL

"I came out of the bathroom my Mrs said you smell nice what you got on i said a hard on didn't know you could smell it "

Ha ha very funny

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Lol

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By *asey666Man over a year ago

Dublin 13

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By *ussex-steveMan over a year ago

brighton

I met a Dalek and I asked him where he came from.He replied "Exeter mate, Exeter mate"!

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By *av501TV/TS over a year ago

Mancetter?

Stood in Butchers this morning and woman at the front of the queue asked him for some steak the Butcher said loudly, " A pound o Fillet" and the ex wife of the 1st womans boyfriend was at the back of the queue and shouted at the Butcher "A £1 says you fuckin wont"

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned lol

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By *av501TV/TS over a year ago

Mancetter?

Young lass 18 yo, in Boston goes in home crying and said to her parents ...."You need to sit down ive something to tell you both"..... so the Parents sit down and mum puts her arm around the girl and says ......"Now dont get upset love you tell me and Father whats troubling you sweetheart" ??? .....

The girl then blurts out ......... "I think i am pregnant !!!!!! and not sure who the father is"....... her dad goes white and shakes with anger at this ......his precious little girl WTF ..... so quick as a flash mum has to think fast to diffuse the situation and says........"Oh love have you had a Check Up".......and the girl replied..... "No I think the 3 of them were all POLES"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Widow gets an awkward phone call from the funeral parlour regarding her dear departed husband; They cant get the lid on because he has this huge erection protruding the coffin height!!

So she calmly tells them to cut his cock off and stick it right up his arse! and she will visit the parlour later to check all is well....

When she arrived at the coffin she glanced inside and saw a slight tear in the corner of her husband's eye, So she leaned over and whispered quietly in his ear....

"See... Fuckin hurts! Doesn't it"

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By *acko9568 OP Man over a year ago

saltburn

Hehehe very good

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By *asey666Man over a year ago

Dublin 13

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By *anielthe man69Man over a year ago

working away

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By *rjimMan over a year ago

nr bristol

Askeds the wife last night.

"Why dont you ever tell me when you are having an orgasm"

She says "cos you are never there at the time"

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By *acko9568 OP Man over a year ago

saltburn

2 guys decide to have a bit of fun down an alleyway and are spotted by a policeman who shouts at them to stay where they are. They both leg it and he gives chase. He catches one and asks where the other one is. He refuses to answer and the cop says, “ when I catch up with him I’m gonna shove this truncheon up the dirty bastards arse”.

“ I’m over here!!!!!”

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I was telling my mate about my parrot that sings "You'll Never Walk Alone" everytime Liverpool win and he asked me what it sings when we loose but I told him;

"I Dunno mate, I've only had him a year" ??

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By *acko9568 OP Man over a year ago

saltburn

Lol

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By *asey666Man over a year ago

Dublin 13

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Saw my mate the other day and he was BALD!!

WTF happened???

He said “think the wife misunderstood me when I said she should shave her twat”

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By *unguy891000Man over a year ago

Bristol

We were so poor as kids our dad used to get our clothes from the army surplus stores no bloody fun going to school dressed as a Japanese admiral

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By *acko9568 OP Man over a year ago

saltburn

Brill

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By *asey666Man over a year ago

Dublin 13

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By *av501TV/TS over a year ago

Mancetter?

Following her husbands funeral Mavis took her best friend on holiday to Benidorm, with a bit of money he left.

They ordered breakfast on their terrace and when it came, mavis took out a little pot of her husbands ashes and sprinkled them on her Cornflakes and started eating them.

Horrified her friend said'What fuck are you doing that for !!!!

Mavis said ' Well when Arthur was alive he said he'd love to to get well enough to come to Benidorm and Go through me on the terrace one more Time' ???? I'm just given him that wish .........

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

This Corona virus is changing Everyone's behaviour.....

I used to cough to hide a fart!!

Nowadays;

I'm farting to hide my coughs !!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Twin sisters in a Newfoundland Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.

The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well..

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS, 'SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE.'"

So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS! "

With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH LARD JESUS! - BOTH OF US????"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A man checked into a hotel in Brazil . There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send e-mail to his wife.

However, he accidentally typed the wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile .............somewhere in Sutherland a widow had just arrived home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which Read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've arrived

Date: June 3 , 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.s. It is damn hot down here!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Boy: "So today in school I learned that there are actually some countries where you don't get to know who your wife is until you're married."

Dad:"It's like that everywhere son."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A couple, both age 78, went to an NHS sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them £50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.

"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £90. The Hilton charges £108. We do it here for £50...and I get £43 back from Bupa.

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By *acko9568 OP Man over a year ago

saltburn

My friend, pure genius. We all need cheering up these days. Let’s hope we get loads more!!!

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By *acko9568 OP Man over a year ago

saltburn

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By *inxy300Woman over a year ago

nottinghamshire

I'm sat here giggling my head off lol

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Want some more????

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By *acko9568 OP Man over a year ago

saltburn

Send em in bud

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A young Chinese couple get married

She's a virgin & they are both waiters ....

Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets, as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten.. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want,

I do anyting juss anyting you want. You juss ask.

Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows, and he waits patiently and eagerly for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls ... Nummaa 69".

More thoughtful silence, but this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...

"You want ... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

An inquisitive kid looking at Mom's ID card.

Sex: F

He laughs.

Mom: Whats so funny?

Kid: I can't believe you're so bad in sex that you failed in it!!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

After 3 years, the wife starts to think that their child looks different, so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the child is actually from a completely different parents...

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

Husband: What's up?

Wife: According to DNA test, this is not our child !!

Husband: Well, don't you remember? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had a wet diaper and you said;

"Honey, go change the baby, I'll wait for you here."

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By *acko9568 OP Man over a year ago

saltburn

"After 3 years, the wife starts to think that their child looks different, so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the child is actually from a completely different parents...

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

Husband: What's up?

Wife: According to DNA test, this is not our child !!

Husband: Well, don't you remember? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had a wet diaper and you said;

"Honey, go change the baby, I'll wait for you here.""

Pmsl

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger and asked;

"Thanks but why would you pick me up? How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"

So I told him that the chances of two serial killers being in one car would be astronomical!!!

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By *iptopcoolMan over a year ago

mid

Statistics say 20 % of us live next door to a peadophile

Not me

I live next door to a stunning 14 year old with a nice arse with lovely little tits

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Bu, Chu & Fu are Chinese brothers who migrated to UK.

When the time came for them to become citizens, they were given the option to change their names.

So Bu became Buck

Chu became Chuck

But Fu went back to China.

*Apologies if any offence caused as it's not my intention.* just avin a bit of laughter

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Love this one ????????

There once was a Red Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,'

If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.

He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day,

Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why ???

OH, come on... Take a guess !!!

Think about it !!!

You're going to love this !!!

Everyone knows..

You can't kill Two Birds

With

OneStone !!??????????"

LMAO that was a good one

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The school teacher asks Jessica:

"What part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?"

Jessica responds:

"That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!"

So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: "That's easy...the pupil of the eye, miss."

"That's correct, Johnny. Very good!" And turning to Jessica, she says:

"I've three things to say to you, young lady...

First, you didn't do your homework; second, you have a dirty mind and third, you're in for a big disappointment!"

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By *asey666Man over a year ago

Dublin 13

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By *acko9568 OP Man over a year ago

saltburn

"Bu, Chu & Fu are Chinese brothers who migrated to UK.

When the time came for them to become citizens, they were given the option to change their names.

So Bu became Buck

Chu became Chuck

But Fu went back to China.

*Apologies if any offence caused as it's not my intention.* just avin a bit of laughter

Keep enjoying folks

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By *acko9568 OP Man over a year ago

saltburn

Apparently pregnant women are being told to take precautions. Bit late don’t you think?

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By *exleyboyMan over a year ago

Erith

** Be aware **

We ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place (I won't name them) just got it home placed it on kitchen work top and as I was getting plates , I heard the bags rustling and moving!! WTF??!!! I thought what the hell is that. Has something got in the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out at me. I was so scared as bag was moving around I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the floor broom in one hand and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers, I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...

And there it was ...

... A Peeking Duck!!!

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By *anna ViolaneTV/TS over a year ago

South East

did you hear about the Chinese government that told the truth?

Boom boom!

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By *aranelloMan over a year ago

Sittingbourne

Two Condoms walking past a gay bar, one says to the other "shall we go in and get shit faced"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's the difference between people in Dubai and people in Abu Dhabi ?

People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones.

Where as people in

Abu Dhabi do...

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By *acko9568 OP Man over a year ago

saltburn

Boom boom, as basil would say

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 31/03/20 15:50:37]

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A shipwrecked Man on a deserted island for over 10 years, sees a speck on the horizon drifting his way.

What emerged from the surf was wet-suited black clad figure. After taking some of the scuba off, there stood a gorgeous blond! The blond strides up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. She unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Christ," says the man, " I'd forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of whiskey" asked the blonde.

Gobsmacked, the castaway replied, "Ten years." The blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket and hands him a flask. He has a long drink. "Magic, truly fantastic!!!" says the Irishman.

At this point the gorgeous blond started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. Smiling she looks at the trembling man and asks: "Now, how long has it been since you played around???"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed; "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!!!"

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By *ootall2920Man over a year ago

Linlithgow

A boy ran through to the kitchen.

"Mum, can I lick the bowl?" He asked.

His mum replied "No, use the toilet brush like everyone else!"

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By *ogue78Man over a year ago

Edinburgh

My scarecrow had just won a Nobel peace prize..

How I hear you ask..

Well.. Obviously, he was outstanding in his field!

I'll see myself out..

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Who's the nicest bloke in the hospital ?

The ultra sound lad ???

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do Brussel sprouts and pubic hair have in common?

You brush them both out the way to carry on eating

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

French fella at a hotel goes up to reception and asks

'Meh ah ave some pepper sent up to ma room'

Receptionist says 'certainly sir, white pepper or black pepper?'

French fella says.. 'Toilet pepper'

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Teacher asks the class..

Right children, what sentence can you say that has the word 'contagious' in it?

Quick as a flash, Johnny has his hand up and says..

Our neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my Dad says 'it'll take the contagious!'

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Fella walks into a French cafe deli and asks the assistant if he has Frogs legs.

'Oui monsieur' replies the assistant.

'Well hop over the counter and get me Coffee and a croissant!'

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

if you get an email from the NHS telling you that tinned luncheon meat can protect against COVID19 Ignore it

Its SPAM !!!

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By *bridge manMan over a year ago

lanarkshire

Man and woman driving home through the country lanes and he runs over a badger.. They get out to see if its OK.. The man says its alive and for his wife to put it between her legs to keep it warm.. But it's wet and it stinks she said. Well hold its fuckin nose said her husband...

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By *raceyCouple over a year ago

Blind guy goes past the fish shop. He says goodnight ladies

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By *raceyCouple over a year ago

I said to the wife, if you want sex tonight, pull my todger once. If you don't, pull it 99 times.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Man and woman driving home through the country lanes and he runs over a badger.. They get out to see if its OK.. The man says its alive and for his wife to put it between her legs to keep it warm.. But it's wet and it stinks she said. Well hold its fuckin nose said her husband...

AAA that's nasty lol

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A teacher is explaining biology to her 8 year-old students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter."

A little girl raises her hand and says, "I had a kitty cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "FUCK," the rottweiler ate him!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is. The following day, the wife goes to the doctor's office.

The doctor says to her "What's wrong, why don't you want to have sex with your husband?"

"Oh, that's easily explained." the wife says. "For the past six months, I've been taking a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, "Are you going to pay today, or what?" So, I take an 'or what'. "Then, when I get to work, she continues, I'm late, so the boss asks me, are we going to write this down in the book, or what?" So, I take an 'or what'.

I take a cab to go home after work and as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, "So, are you going to pay this time, or what?" Again, I take an 'or what'. So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all tired out and don't want it anymore.

"Yes, I see," replies the doctor. "So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Little Suzie goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Suzie waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!"

Miss Rogers says, "All right, Suzie, what is your multi-syllable word?"

Suzie says, "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Suzie, that's a mouthful."

Suzie replies, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What a woman says...

"This place is a mess! C'mon!

You and I need to clean up!

Your stuff is lying on the floor and

You'll have no clothes to wear if we

don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears...

"blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!

YOU AND I ..blah blah blah blah!

blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah

blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah

blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My wife texted me a selfie in a new dress and asked

"does this make my butt look big?"

I texted back "Noo!"

My phone autocorrected my response to "Moo!"

...Please send help!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

And finally.....

I went up to a girl, and tried to charm her by saying:

"Hi, I was going to tell you a joke about my penis, but it's too long".

She replied with: "Oh, What a coincidence, I was going to tell you a joke about my pussy, but you'll never get it".

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By *acko9568 OP Man over a year ago

saltburn

"Teacher asks the class..

Right children, what sentence can you say that has the word 'contagious' in it?

Quick as a flash, Johnny has his hand up and says..

Our neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my Dad says 'it'll take the contagious!' "

Took a couple of goes but very good

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By *acko9568 OP Man over a year ago

saltburn

Some great ones here. Keep em rolling. Stay safe!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

During some excavation work, a team of Israeli archaeologists discovered a previously undetected cave. They were very excited because the following five symbols were carved on one wall of the cave:

A woman

A donkey

A shovel

A fish

A Star of David

The archaeologists declared this a unique find. The carvings were thought to be at least three thousand years old. They carefully cut out the piece of stone holding the symbols and sent it in to the Tel Aviv Museum. Soon, archaeologists from all over the world were invited to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The chairman opened the meeting by pointing to the first symbol and saying:

"We can judge from the first symbol that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell that they were smart enough to train donkeys to help them till the soil. The shovel symbol means they had tools to work with. Their intelligence is highlighted by the fish, which means that when their crops failed, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol means they were evidently Hebrew."

The audience applauded enthusiastically. Suddenly, a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said,

"Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. This is what it says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Woman !!' "

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Me: What's the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I'll have a .

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?

Barman: Youneedtobuyadrinkfirst

No spaces, all lowercase and thank you for your custom

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

In the beginning God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news", God said.

Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first."

Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children.

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate these organs one at a time."

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By *lutandhubbyCouple over a year ago

west midlands

Well after a 2 hour successful operation requiring 84 stitches still bleeding but have been assured that will stop soon

I'm pleased to announce the button is back on my shirt !!!

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By *duk70Man over a year ago

langley

This lockdown isn’t too bad

Got a lovely new patio and the wife and kids helped with the foundation’s

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What’s blue and fucks grannies?

Hypothermia

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By *acko9568 OP Man over a year ago

saltburn

A sunbather on Saltburn beach has been caught red-handed.

And red-necked, red-torsoed, red-armed, red-legged....

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By *haggynMuffCouple over a year ago

Kidlington oxtord

HOW TO HAVE SEX WHILE ON LOCKDOWN WITH THE KIDS IN THE HOUSE.

The only way to pull off a lockdown afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.

'Matt's out on his bike and his mum is telling him off'

'Looks as if the Sanders are going into full isolation!'

'Jason has had his skate board taken off him

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out,

'How do you know they're having sex?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'

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By *acko9568 OP Man over a year ago

saltburn

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By *edGMan over a year ago

Daventry

A guy has a terrible accident when he falls into some machinery at work. He wakes up in the hospital and the doctor tells him he is lucky to be alive however his penis was ripped off in the accident.

The man is crestfallen but the doctor tell him all may not be lost, as they have discovered a new procedure where they can graft a new penis on. It isn't on the NHS and not cheap but he is in luck as they have 2 viable ones in the freezer.

He tells the doctor he is interested so the doctor shows him pictures of the two. One is 10 inches long and belonged to a former porn star, excellent but dear at 10k. The other is 5 inches long and belonged to a fellow in his 80's but still does the job and only 5k.

The man says he will have to speak to his wife, sure says the doctor, she is in the waiting room, I'll send her in. He leaves the photos with the man.

5 mins later he sees the wife leave and goes back in to talk to the man. So! The doc asks. "Have you decided what you are having?

Yes replied the man, still looking crestfallen, "A new kitchen!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Just one, but the lightbuld really has to want to change.

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By *acko9568 OP Man over a year ago

saltburn

Keep em coming folks, we all enjoy having a chuckle, especially in these untoward times xx

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I can cut wood just by looking at it.

No, really. I saw it with my own eyes!

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By *acko9568 OP Man over a year ago

saltburn

Hahaha

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By *omerset tvTV/TS over a year ago

Weston-super-Mare

What is 50 feet long and has 8 teeth????? The queue at Asda lol

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By *acko9568 OP Man over a year ago

saltburn

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The end of lockdown..

The only thing women have ever hoped would come quicker

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By *acko9568 OP Man over a year ago

saltburn

Pmsl

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By *ovetolick7640Man over a year ago

Measham

Two goldfish in a tank, one said to the other, 'who's driving?'

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By *ovetolick7640Man over a year ago

Measham

What does a gay horse eat?

(With sufficient pause, and 'camp' hands)......

Hayyyy

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By *ovetolick7640Man over a year ago

Measham

What gives kids a bad name?

The Beckham's

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By *acko9568 OP Man over a year ago

saltburn

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By *haggynMuffCouple over a year ago

Kidlington oxtord

An 85-year-old man was asked by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained,

'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arlene the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.' The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar

open.'

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By *acko9568 OP Man over a year ago

saltburn

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By *acko9568 OP Man over a year ago

saltburn

Want ads:

Man with own loo roll seeks lady with hand sanitizer for good clean fun

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By *acko9568 OP Man over a year ago

saltburn

Biggest joke but not at all funny? Trump

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By *bridge manMan over a year ago

lanarkshire

Does it matter. He's american

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"What’s blue and fucks grannies?

Hypothermia "

Wayne Rooney

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By *lutandhubbyCouple over a year ago

west midlands

little girl was leaning into a lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, all under the eyes of her screaming parents.

A biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter, addressing the Harley rider says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.”

The Harley rider replies, "Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”

The reporter says, "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?”

The biker replies "I'm a British Army veteran, a Conservative and I voted for Brexit”. The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: UK VETERAN ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH.

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By *acko9568 OP Man over a year ago

saltburn

Pmsl, brilliant

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

You Don't Know Jack Schitt?

(Original Author Unknown)

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep &. Schitt Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Piza Schitt.

So now if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Every cunt.

This is a story about 4 people, named Everycunt, Someothercunt, Anycunt and Nocunt.

One day, there was a job that needed doing, and Someothercunt was asked to do it, Everycunt was sure Someothercunt would do it, but Nocunt did it. Everycunt got angry because it was Someothercunt's job. Nocunt didnt realise that Anycunt could have done it. It ended up with Everycunt blaming Someothercunt and Nocunt doing what Anycunt could have done!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"What’s blue and fucks grannies?

Hypothermia

Wayne Rooney

Come now, it doesn't even work with the original joke!

I mean........

Shrek was green!

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By *owboy BebopMan over a year ago

Glasgow

"Paddy and Murphy fancy a Pint but only have a euro between them. Paddy goes off and buys a sausage.

Murphy says are You mad? Now we're skint! Come on says Paddy follow Me.

10 pubs and 10 pints later Murphy says..

'I cant do this any more, my Knee's are sore and I'm pissed.

How do you think i feel? Says Paddy, I can't even remember which Pub I lost the Sausage in!? ??"

brilliant just spat my tea out !

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By *lutandhubbyCouple over a year ago

west midlands

Cyclops: "How do you spell Hawaii?"

Wife: *biting lip* "Well...you need two i's"

Cyclops: *puts pen down* "My life is just a joke to you isn't it Linda?

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By *acko9568 OP Man over a year ago

saltburn

Just brilliant

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Man goes to his GP

Says,doctor..now I've turned 90 I find I'm not enjoying sex as much nowadays

Doctor says ,oh dear,when did you start to notice that!

Man says,three times last night and twice again this morning!

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By *acko9568 OP Man over a year ago

saltburn

2 boyfriends go to the funfair. One says “shall we go on the waltzers “

“Ooh no, it’s far too scary”

“Well I’m going on” says the first.

It starts up and builds up speed and suddenly his car flies off the track, spinning through the air and rolls over and over.

Boyfriend 2 runs over and cries out, “ are you hurt????”

“Hurt? Hurt??? You never waved ONCE!!!” He lisped

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By *lutandhubbyCouple over a year ago

west midlands

Dublin, Ireland declares war on the UK!!!

Boris Johnson was in 10 Downing street Office when her telephone rang. "Hallo, Boris Johnson, " a heavily accented voice said. "This is Murphy, over ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in, Dublin, Ireland. I am calling' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Murphy," Boris said, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Murphy, after a moment’s calculation "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbour Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Boris paused. "I must tell you Murphy that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Murphy. "I'll have at call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Murphy called again. "Mr Johnson, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment! We have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry 's farm tractor."

Boris sighed. "I must tell you Murphy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above," said Murphy, "I'll be getting back to you."

Sure enough, Murphy rang again the next day. "Mr Johnson, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We up and' modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"

Boris was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Murphy that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jumping, Lord tunderin! Two million, ye say!!" said Murphy, " I’ll have at call you back."

Sure enough, Murphy called again the next day. "Mr Johnson! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Boris. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

“Well, Mr Johnson," said Murphy, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners.

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By *MBER KENTCouple over a year ago

folkestone

"Dublin, Ireland declares war on the UK!!!

"Well Murphy," Boris said, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Murphy, after a moment’s calculation "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbour Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Boris paused. "I must tell you Murphy that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Murphy. "I'll have at call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Murphy called again. "Mr Johnson, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment! We have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry 's farm tractor."

Boris sighed. "I must tell you Murphy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above," said Murphy, "I'll be getting back to you."

"Jumping, Lord tunderin! Two million, ye say!!" said Murphy, " I’ll have at call you back."

Sure enough, Murphy called again the next day. "Mr Johnson! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Boris. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

“Well, Mr Johnson," said Murphy, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners.

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By *lutandhubbyCouple over a year ago

west midlands

Man walks into a hardware store and asks the cashier

“Have you any two watt bulbs?”

“For what?”

“That’ll do, I’ll take two”

“Two what?”

“I thought you didn’t have any”

“Any what?”

“Yes please”

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By *acko9568 OP Man over a year ago

saltburn

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By *acko9568 OP Man over a year ago

saltburn

For all you golfers.

Apparently there is a new term. Doing a Cummings: it’s a long drive that goes out of bounds but carries no penalty.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work.....

I got chatting to him and it turns out he is a British Airways pilot who’s been furloughed and earning a bit of extra cash doing some painting....

He made a lovely job of the landing....

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Two businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop... As of yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up....One said to the other,

"I bet any minute now some old pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

"You know these senior citizens are such nosy buggers."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, "Must be doing well then...

only two left."

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By *woto tangoCouple over a year ago

Nr Sheffield/Chesterfield

Sitting in front of my computer the other day when the wife walks and says "what are you doing "

Just looking at flights love was my reply.

The wife started screaming and jumping around with joy...

Fuck me I said, didnt realise you like darts...

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By *raceyCouple over a year ago

Teacher asks the class ,if there are 4 birds sitting on the fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?

Little Johnny says none miss. Because the sound of the gun would frighten the rest of the birds away.

The teacher says, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you think.

Johnny says i have one for you miss. If three women are in the ice cream parlour, and one is licking the ice cream, one is biting it, and the other one is sucking it, which one of the women is married?. The teacher takes a guess, and says the one sucking it. Johnny says, actually it's the one wearing a wedding ring, but I like the way you think.

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By *raceyCouple over a year ago

I got thrown out of the swimming pool for pissing in the deep end.

The lifeguard shouted so loud, I nearly fell in.

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By *lutandhubbyCouple over a year ago

west midlands

A bloke goes to the council to apply for a job in the office.

The interviewer asks him,"Are you allergic to anything"?

He replies, "Yes caffeine."

"Have you ever worked for the public service before."

"Yes I was in the army"he says,I was in Iraq for two tours."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.

Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says "Yes,a mine exploded next to me when I was there and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says,"O.K.

You've got enough points for me to take you on right away.

Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.......but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am-and carry on starting at 10.00am everyday."

The bloke is puzzled and asks."If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm ,why don't you want me here until 10.00am?

I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know."

"What you have to understand is that this is a council job,"the

interviewer says, "For the first two hours,we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.There's no point coming in for that."

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By *acko9568 OP Man over a year ago

saltburn

Brill

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By *asey666Man over a year ago

Dublin 13

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Fav one on here is guys looking for “straight” guys to play with lol

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By *ony 2016Man over a year ago

Huddersfield /derby cinemas

There were 2 fish in a tank , the first fish turns to the 2nd fish and asks " when are we going to start firing at the enemy ? "

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Q) How do you know if the cousin of your wife's uncle's dinner guest is a vegan?

A) Oh boy, they'll tell you

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By *uthermuckerMan over a year ago

stevenage

I came second in the Fidel Castro lookalike contest, close but no cigar...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 23/08/20 03:34:36]

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By *andy IanMan over a year ago

cheshire/Preston

Love reading all these

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By *acko9568 OP Man over a year ago

saltburn

Some brilliant ones for sure.

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