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Hair now gone tomorrow (VEET)
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By *obbo44 OP Man
over a year ago
Swansea |
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on my ex missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and having gone through a few ordeals in the past I thought it would be no problem to withstand a little hair removal gel BUT my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially, all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.
At first, there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub, I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering “ooooh that feels good” Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream didn't improve my status…so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity, and self-respect!
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Just read the instructions
Clearly states not for use on genitals 
Even for chest or under arm do a test area first.  "
Oh my god, somebody extract the stick that is wedged firmly up your arse. It's there for a laugh, designed to induce a smile, possibly even a chortle, not a lecture on reading the instructions.
OP, thanks for brightening up the morning  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I use something called Nads. It says on the label don't use on genitals but with the name I think it's just too cover their backs in case you have a bad reaction.
I was terrified for the first use. Had visions of my balls swelling up  |
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Seem to remember reading this somewhere before, but it hasn't lost it's power to provoke unbridled mirth at the imagined scene. It is so nice to see a joke quite sensibly told using proper  English. |
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