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Funeral fuck!
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100% true story although some names slightly altered as I think one person is on here!!
Happened a couple of years ago. Padded it out to give it some more depth as well.
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The vibration in my top pocket made me aware someone was after me, my watching confirming the caller ID said ‘Mum’. The very chatty client infront of me made it impossible to answer and when mum called back a couple of minutes later I knew something serious must be up as she never rings when I’m at work.
A tactical email to my colleague Samantha asked for help getting rid of the dick sat infront of me, the promise of numerous cups of tea and biscuits having to be added to get her hooked into my devious plan. I did explain mum had called twice and I wasn’t be as heartless as I sounded.
“Sorry to interrupt chaps but I’ve just had an email from building security saying we’ve a fire alarm test in 10 minutes. Do you need to be anywhere Mr Bowen because if you get caught in the process they’ll keep you an hour while they do all the relevant checks etc.” “Oh bugger that, I don’t have that time” he cursed back as I winked at my colleague who I just knew would revel in me being her bitch for a few days.
Mum picked up on the second ring. “What’s up mum, I’ve two missed calls” I asked. “Frank died” she replied. “Oh that’s sad” I said in my best compassionate voice. “Mum….who’s Frank” I added knowing full well a bollocking would accompany my question. Mum huffed and puffed a bit before explaining who Frank was and to be fair I did actually know once she’d told me.
Mum had worked for him quite a few years back and I would go in on a Saturday morning and earn some cash in hand cleaning the lorries and the yard. He’d been very generous to us all over the years so I agreed to go with my parents to his funeral as I had some time owed at work.
Frank was known for his love of employing attractive women and had previously given jobs to some right air heads but the common denominator was their looks so I was happy to go to the celebration of his life hoping a few might turn up. I had a week to clean my black suit, the funeral confirmed for a Friday, my mother not too impressed about me being able to go straight out in town after.
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Typically my parents were bang on time picking me up at 2.00 for a 2.30 start. The Crem was only minutes away but a large turnout was expected and they wanted to park nearby. My suit was complimented and I quizzed my folks about the wake without it sounding too obvious I wanted a beer!
There were in the region of 300 people in attendance making it pretty much standing room only as dear old Frank’s family said a few words. I couldn’t see much but noticed a large female representation amongst the mourners, an old mate from school making it hard to concentrate on recognising anyone as he chatted away pre funeral and immediately after.
“Are you off to the golf club for the afters” he asked as we filed past Frank’s widow and children paying our respects and putting a few quid in the collection bowl, some local hospice benefiting from our hard earned. “Yes mate, I’ll see you there, I’ll go with my folks” I responded making a bee line for the car and hoping some other old mates would spare me from this guy.
“Don’t be a dick and eat all the food” dad scolded, knowing I had previous. “Get me a beer” he continued as I joined the healthy queue looking for a drink. I recognised a few old faces, all of whom clearly had plenty of time to chat which prevented me from exploring who else (specifically females) had attended.
Our old neighbours wouldn’t let me go without a full grilling as to why I was now divorced, a few women my age milling about behind them making it hard to focus. By the time we’d chatted and put the world to eights the numbers had thinned out significantly and my folks were hinting they wanted to leave too. Thankfully this was where the old school mate came in good as I told mum I wanted to say hi to a few others knowing full well we’d relocate to the local pub.
“Wow old Frank knew some right sorts” he beamed as we walked back to his car. “I wouldn’t know” I hissed as he listed who he’d seen and who he suspected was single! “I’ve heard a few are heading into town, let’s go and see who we can find” he added getting my full seal of approval. |
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By the time we got to my local having parked up and abandoned his car it was just past 5pm. The pub was filling up with office workers, tradesmen and a few of us that had been to a funeral, our black clothing giving us away. I got the beers in and scanned the room to see if anyone of interest was in.
“Here we go” Ed muttered as a group of 5 girls who’d also been to the funeral stood alongside us at the bar. Ranging from 20 something up to 50 ish they were all immaculately dressed, smelt amazing and were clearly in the mood to let their hair down. Finding conversation with them was easy, as we all spoke about how we knew Frank. Ed was lapping it up and clearly very attracted to a girl called Deborah who seemed as equally impressed with him.
They were all nice girls but another woman stood on her own caught my eye and I was absolutely convinced I knew her from back in the day. I was desperate to get over to her and chat but the crowd I was in wouldn’t let me leave the conversation and by the time I could my worst nightmare had happened, another guy had beat me to it.
She didn’t look all that bothered and was joined moments later by what I now know to be her mates but my frustrations built further when I saw them leave. “Did those girls say where they were going” I asked the barmaid, spinning some yarn about long lost friends. “They said there’s karaoke at the Red Lion” the barmaid replied and I made my mind up that I was going to invite myself.
“Ed, I’ll be back soon mate” I told him, his attention clearly elsewhere as Deborah’s mates had given her up too. I’m not sure he heard me but I’d got the bit between my teeth as I went up into town in pursuit of this mystery woman.
The Red Lion was a bit of a dive but it had pulled a decent crowd. I got served quickly, turned to lean against the bar and instantly came face to face with the woman I was hunting. “Are you following me” she grinned. “Absolutely guilty” I replied “now are you going to tell me where I know you from”. |
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The pub was noisy and as she leant in I made the assumption so was moving nearer to speak. I was wrong as her lips pressed hard against mine, her hand moving inside my suit jacket and pulling me close to hers. She used her tongue expertly, her free hand gently squeezing my cock. We were less than discreet.
“I wonder if this’ll get as hard as the time I caught you reading pornos in Dossers lorry” she grinned. “Oh my fucking god….Nicky” I called out as she released her grip and gave me a twirl. “Guilty” she grinned as she clinked our glasses and words poured out of both our mouths. It had been years, lots of years and she’d changed from a nerdy accounts trainee into a blossoming mid 40s milf.
Athletic at a size 10/12 her boobs were still very pert and her skin looked like she’d treated it well. Her hair had always been long but was now cropped short which actually suited her and led to my confusion of who she was. “You look great” I told her too many times and I found the courage to ask her the big question.
“So, who’s the lucky guy in your life” I asked, her face dropping. “I haven’t done great with guys, it’s just me and the two kids, I haven’t had a partner for 3 years and haven’t been laid for two”, her face going bright red seconds after that reveal. “And as you can see, I still don’t think before I speak”.
I went to say something but we had company, her two friends finding her and interrupting. “Who’s this” they asked as introductions were made all round. “Will stay with us for the evening” Nicky asked, “will I get a kiss again” I winked. “It’s looking very very likely” she replied, blushing again as we ordered more drinks.
My cock twitched at her words and I started to make plans as to how the night would unfold. Nobody could have guessed as to what was gonna happen next. |
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An hour later my jaw was aching. We’d snogged like rampant teenagers, our hands over each other at every opportunity. Unsurprisingly her mates had moved on which left the pair of us for each other.
“I have a don’t fuck on date one rule” she smiled, “but I’m off on Sunday which can be fate two” she quickly followed with a sheepish grin. I just smiled and tried to display a poker face.
We moved onto the next bar, a livelier place where we could dance and continue reacquainting ourselves. The drinks were certainly taking effect and I boogied like I had no cares in the world. “Your hips wiggle like a pro” she mocked as she grabbed my arse. “Shame you’re gonna have to wait until Sunday” I replied trying to hide any smugness in my voice. She pulled a face I didn’t recognise and walked to the bar.
Shots appeared and as I stood resting against the bar avoiding the masses of revellers Nicky leant closer and whispered into my ear. “My pussy is wet, finger me”, my heart racing at her words. I made to leave. “Where are you going” she frowned, do it here. I was absolutely gobsmacked as she ripped a hole in the front of her tights and guided my hand up her skirt.
The material of her knickers felt silky and very wet and my finger had no issue nudging them aside. She was soaking as I slipped in her easily. Fucking hell I was full on fingering a woman in a club, people stood inches away totally clueless.
She pulled me out and licked my finger. “Mmmm tasty” she smiled, “now put two in”. I obliged immediately as Nicky wiggled about on my hand. “I might not have had any for a while but I’ve not forgotten how to be a slut” she told me quite matter of factly, my cock defying the amount of alcohol I’d fed it and growing hard in my trousers.
“Promise me one thing” Nicky said as I kept curling my fingers inside her. “What” I quizzed excitedly. “You’ll give me a lift home in the morning, I’ve changed my first date rule”, her mouth pressing against mine before I had time to reply. |
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My bedside table said 0426 when I felt the urge to get to the toilet quickly. My head was pounding and I had absolutely no recollection of getting home. Thankfully I didn’t vom and staggered back into my bedroom feeling very sorry for myself. “Fuck” I cursed as I tripped over something on the floor.
“What’s the matter babe” a female voice called out. Now I was really confused as the drink made the last few hours a complete blur. A bedside lamp came on and I stood there in all my glory as Nicky grinned at me. The light allowed me to survey the scene, clothing dumped everywhere on my floor. “Please tell me you remember my name” she teased as I covered my modesty.
“Haha very funny. Fuck my head hurts” was all I could reply before taking a large gulp of water. “Did we….” I started, giving a stupid nod towards my cock. “Not a fucking chance” she laughed way too loudly. “There was no way either of us were fit after the last round of shots” she continued, a very subtle way of telling me my cock wouldn’t work after alcohol.
“I think it’s broken” I joked, Nicky telling me that sounded like a challenge as I flopped face first onto the mattress. As I lay there contemplating life I felt her move, her legs parting mine as she knelt behind me. I had no desire to challenge her but started to pay attention when I felt her hands part my bum cheeks. Within seconds her tongue flicked over my arse and one of her hands reached under and cupped my balls. “Now let me show you how much of a slut I can be” she purred as her tongue pushed into my hole and she began massaging my balls to life.
“I knew that would do the trick” she said congratulating herself as my cock grew to full length. “Now let’s get it in me before it changes it’s mind”, Nicky flipping me over and sitting on my length. Damn she was tight and asked me to be gentle as she took time to adjust to my size.
She reached back and grabbed my thighs, her boobs standing pertly, her nipples hard as she began to rock on my cock. Her hands pinched but I didn’t care as she rode me expertly. She was wet and became very vocal telling me to fill her cunt. I couldn’t believe the change in this woman over the years but I was happy to oblige with her demands as I started to thrust underneath her knowing full well the drink would delay any climax for a long time. |
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Nicky had cum three times by the time I got the feeling my climax was nearing. I was blowing hard given the physical exertion in the middle of the night and the amounts of shots we’d consumed. “I’m gonna cum” I grunted from underneath her, Nicky leaping off me within seconds much to my dismay but moments later she had my cock deep in her mouth as she wanked me hard.
She clearly had no boundaries, her middle finger pushing into the hole she’d rimmed earlier. As her mouth and finger teased me my tummy tightened and I emptied a huge load into her mouth. A smile spread over her face but she kept her mouth closed to swallow every drop. She showed me it had all gone but was on me within seconds.
As she slid across my body she eased herself up and sat on my face. “Eat my pussy” she instructed as she gyrated herself into my mouth. She tasted sweet and was still very wet as I cupped her bum and found the rhythm she’d started.
With my hands underneath her I was pulling into me with ease, my tongue buried deep inside her. Her clit was aligned to the stubble on my top lip and her moans grew louder and louder. She came quickly and noisily finally collapsing into a heap on top of me. We kissed as I held her, both our bodies sticky with perspiration.
It was just after 5am and we were both yawning. “Set an alarm for 6.30, I want more cock” Nicky told me making sure I set it on my phone. I took another big gulp of water hoping I’d feel a lot better in 90 mins time. I’d awoken a beast and looked forward to round two. |
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Nicky cursed as the alarm went off. She’d been in deep sleep and wasn’t a fan of being disturbed. I was buzzing. Morning glory had kicked in and in was rock hard as I rolled over and climbed between her legs. “Your six thirty cock delivery is here madam”, the tip of my cock pushing between her lips as she blinked the sleep out her eyes.
She moaned as I slid further in. “Be careful I’m a bit tender after two years of no action” she informed me. That didn’t meet my agenda and I lifted her legs up over my shoulders and I filled her up with my full length. “Take it like the slut you said you are” I grinned as I started to thrust with everything I’d got.
My cock was solid and with alcohol still in the system and my climax 90 mins prior I knew I’d be good for ages. I guessed Nicky wouldn’t be so enthused as she was wincing with every thrust, her poor pussy taking a hammering. I stopped momentarily. “Don’t you fucking dare” she hissed. “I wanted cock, now give it to me properly” she snapped as I picked the pace back up and literally drilled into her.
Our bodies connected well and we managed to share kisses in between bouts of deep hard fucking. She came regularly and told me how big I felt which boosted my ego significantly. Finally I came, her pussy clenching around me as I deposited my load deep inside her. “Jesus I feel absolutely battered” she confessed, her sex visibly swollen and puffy.
“Maybe I need to kiss you better” I grinned, Nicky snapping her legs together in protest as I slid down her body. She was so tender she couldn’t even take my tongue so I lifted her hips slightly and flicked my tongue over her bum as she had done to me a few hours earlier. “Now you’re talking” she squealed “you can lick this until your hearts content”, her hand grabbing the back of my head and pulling me in tighter.
By 9.15 I’d fucked her again, her arse getting filled with her pussy well and truly battered. Her mobile phone disturbed us as we contemplated a bath together. “Mum, where the duck are you” was all I could hear from the caller, Nicky’s face telling me the inevitable. “Time for that lift home” she said sadly.
We met again on the Sunday and she came back to mine for more but that was it for Nicky and I. I still see her in town now and again but that’s the true story of how going to a funeral led to two people reacquainting and making a sad occasion a happy one!! |
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