There was a post a few days ago in one of the forums about a cave woman, the thread soon turned into a very interesting theological discussion about life, the universe, creation, faith and George Michael.
As the (Ex) Vicar of this parish, I thought I might wade in with my two penneth, but did not want to hijack the thread. So, I kept schtum, but the truth is, I actually know the answers.
I accidentally found myself in a drinking establishment, I don’t know why, but I remember very little, apart from, it was dark, and I had a vision, which I will now share.
God is actually a committee.
The acronym G.O.D actually stands for “Group of Divinities.”
There are dozens of divinities, you may have heard of some of them? Buddha, Jehovah, Thetan, She na Gigs (not a footballers Mam) and others that range from very popular, to less popular than they used to be.
This committee was formed at the same time as earth and creation, and have been disagreeing and arguing about almost everything, ever since.
Question 1,
If the story of creation is true, and Adam and Eve lived in the garden of Eden, how come there were dinosaurs?
That is a darn good question and I am glad you asked it, both are true.
Several members of the committee thought it would be better to begin with stupid, unintelligent animals, that would neither appreciate, or understand their place in the grand scheme of things.
Unfortunately, they were outvoted, and dinosaurs were put on the earth first, instead of humans.
Once the dinosaurs had been bumped off, literally with a bloody big fireball, the back-up plan was called upon. Adam and the garden of Eden were plonked on the earth.
Now, the Gods used to like to go on holiday, and have a couple of weeks way every June. Holiday time was arriving, and Adam was sulking, not wanting to be left on his own. The conversation went something like this.
“God?”
“Yes Adam?”
“I’m bored”
“Bored? You are always bored. How can you be Bored?”
“Dunno God. I just am. I mean don’t get me wrong, it’s great all this jungle and stuff. I like the sky and the water. I love the trees and the bears. I’m not so keen on the spiders, they have hairy legs and they’re freaky, but the butterflies they’re great. It’s just that, well, I’m still bored.”
“Why don’t you clean the Garden?”
“It is clean.”
“Clean! Adam, look around you, there’s bits of bear and horse all over the place, the grape vines are overgrown, there’s molehills everywhere, there’s rhino and camel dung scattered here and there. You know it took me ages to create this place. You could take a little bit of pride in it.”
“Well, it’s fairly tidy, I mean it’s not that bad.”
“It looks it from up here.”
“Sorry.”
“Anyway, you’re bored?”
“Yeah. Well, you know? We get on well enough, don’t we? So, I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but, there’s only you and me here who can really communicate, and you’re going away to this, conference committee thing, and I’ve got no one else to talk to.”
“I’m not giving the monkeys the power of speech again Adam. We have been through this before. You remember what happened last time?”
“Yeah.” Laughing.
“It’s not funny. When they learned to mimic; The parrots were supposed to live in the sea, the Bears were never supposed to shit in the woods, and after stand-up monkey, I don’t think the hyenas will ever stop laughing again.”
“It wasn’t that bad.”
“Tell that to the rabbits. They have hardly had their heads above ground since they heard about the perfect recipe for rabbit stew.”
“Ok. I see your point.”
“So, what do you want me to do?”
“Well, I was thinking.”
“Yes?”
“Well, what I was thinking was, maybe it’s about time, I had a mate. A
female to help do the cleaning and stuff.”
“Cleaning?”
“Yeah, and other stuff as well.”
“Such as?”
“Do you remember the other day when I invented that game where I had to hide, and then I had to guess where I was?”
“Not a very good game I recall.”
“True. It needed a little work, so I changed it and tried playing it with some of the others. The penguins were easy to find, they were in the water chasing the fish. The elephants tried bless em, but they were far too big to hide properly. The camels, I could just sniff them out. You need to have a word with them about personal hygiene! The cats, they just sat there, looking at me in an evil way, and the monkeys, well they took it far too seriously. They packed themselves in a crate and tried to post themselves to somewhere called Europe. I didn’t see any of them for three days afterwards.”
“So?”
“Well, I thought, what if there was another one of me? Then I might be less bored, and take up less of your time. I mean, there’s two of each dog, two tigers, two monkey’s, but only one of me. It’s not fair, I guess if there was like? I dunno. A girl one of me, I might not be as bored.”
“Well Adam, I can see your point, and I suppose I could help you, but?”
“But?”
“Well Adam, females are different to males in many ways.”
“Yeah, I noticed that with the rabbits.”
“And this, female may change things, and you know once I have created something, it cannot be uncreated.”
“Apart from those dinosaur thingies with the big teeth. You had to uncreate them.”
“Yes Adam. With the exception of those dinosaur thingies with the big
teeth. Once something is created it cannot be uncreated.”
“And those dodo thingies that kept stalking me, they were scary.”
“Yes. Apart from the dinosaur thingies and the dodo’s, which I might
be bringing back by the way. Once something is created, it cannot be
undone.”
“And those flying wombats that fired lasers from their eyes.”
“Aye, that wasn’t a good one was it? So apart from the dinosaur thingies and the dodo’s and the flying wombats that fired lasers from their eyes, once something is created, it cannot be undone.”
“And……”
“…Ok Adam. Ok. Apart from the, few things, I have had to undo “for
your safety”. Once I have created a female, she cannot be uncreated,
is that understood?”
“Yeah, okay God. Unless she is dangerous?”
“Sometimes Adam, not even then.”
“OK.”
“Alright then, Adam give me a rib.”
“Sure, no problem, hold on a sec, I got pig, bear, horse they make a great noise listen……,I got sheep, gnat they’re a bit small though, I got ..”
“..No Adam; I need one of your Ribs.”
“Mine! Are you crazy? I need all mine.”
“No, you don’t.”
“Yes, I do. I need them to errm, hold my body up.”
“No, you don’t. I made you and I know. Now come here and don’t move.”
“Ooohhhh that tickles. Behave. Ow gerroff that hurts, Arghhh. Owch. That really hurt. You could have warned me.”
“Sorry. Are you ready for this?”
“Yeah. Owch.”
A few moments passed.
“There we are Adam. What do you think?”
“Well? Maybe you could take a bit off there?”
“Okay. How’s that?”
“And does that really need to be that big?”
“Okay. There?”
“And maybe they should be bigger?”
“I think they are ample Adam.”
“Just a bit bigger?”
“Only a tad, I make them any bigger and she will keep falling over.”
“Right, that’s it! What do you think?”
“Yeah. I like it. Good job God!”
“Thanks. Now listen Adam, I have to go away for a couple of weeks.”
“I know.”
“I’m sorry, but I don’t have a choice, I have to attend this conference. All of the Gods will be there, Buddha, Shiva, Thatan, from the Scientologists, Zeus from Greece, Maurice from the Bee Gees, and even Simon is coming from the Mormons. It’s going be a laugh if
nothing else. Will you be alright while I’m gone?”
“What do you do at these things?”
“Well, we have all got ideas to kick around. You know this place is a
joint venture? And some of the others aren’t too happy with how it’s
going. Anyway will you be alright whilst I’m gone?”
“Yeah. I think so.”
“I’ve only got time to switch her on and then I gotta go. I want to get a sun bed by the pool, before Simon turns up with all his wives, so you will have to explain the rules to your female. I have not got time, Ok?”
“Yeah, that shouldn’t be a problem. Sacred tree and the apples right?”
“That’s it. Good lad.”
“Right.”
“Ok. Stand back, and I will switch her on.”
A lightening bolt filled the sky and the woman awoke.
“What's her name?”
“Errmm, Tracy.”
“Tracy? You can’t call her Tracy.”
“Why not?”
“Don’t know. It just doesn’t sound right.”
“Well what would you call her?”
“Errm, Penelope?”
“No, not Penelope. Let’s call her Eve.”
“Eve? Ok then.”
“I have to go now. You sure, you will be ok?”
“Yes! For the third time. Don’t worry. You go off and have a good time. I will be fine.”
So, God went to attend his conference and left Eve with Adam in the Garden of Eden.
There is, much more to tell, but we will leave it there for the now. I have to do more research (beer doesn’t drink itself, and it’s impossible to make this shit up sober).
I do hope you enjoyed it.
Please bear in mind, it is not my intention to offend. I know Maurice is not a god, although he should be.
If you were offended, with any part of this story, please send all your complaints to, Her Madge, Buckingham Palace, London.
Luv D x
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