shades of green and grey.
Part 1:
Declan appeared in the doorway, beads of sweat dripping down his pasty forehead and on to his 2005/06 Celtic home shirt. "That f****n lifts knackurt again. Sooner we get oot these flats the better. That's twice this week ah've hud tae come up aw they f****n stairs wi a load a' this copper piping me an' John Paul robbed fae that auld hun school!"
"Aye", croaked Bernadette, resplendent in her Larsson King of Kings t-shirt and purple velour jog pants. "Ah'm pyoor sick a' trailing they seven weans up and doon they stairs an aw! Wee Mary Theresa puked up her Greggs sausage roll earlier efter gettin' tae the 12th flair! Anyhow nevermind that, her, wee Declan, Jinky, Henrik and Josephine are in the bed, Martin's away tae get me fags and Erin's oot trying tae score so we've got peace. 'Mere an' get me pumped!", she demanded, loosening her hair from the greasy scrape back ponytail it had been in for three days. "Ah've shaved ma pie n everyhin!"
"Might as well. Canny watch the telly efter that orange b*sturt up the stair caught us stealing his Sky." said Declan, as he lifted his green and off white hooped shirt to reveal a scrawny set of ribs, three stab wounds and a tattooed portrait of Pope John Paul II. Bernadette forced the stained velour jog pants over her somewhat oversized hips.
"Huv yoo nae scants oan?" quizzed Declan. "Aye", screeched Bernadette, " Ah've goat a thong oan - ye just cannae see it for ma belly". With that the sweaty pair embraced and launched themselves on their purple leather DFS sofa, upon which all payments had been defaulted. "Ye can pit it up ma digger if ye want" remarked Bernadette. "Any mair weans and we'll struggle tae make the giro stretch tae a full week's chicken nuggets in Farmfoods."
The mere mention of anal sex brought back all of those terrible memories for Declan. He lashed out and caught Bernadette with a right hook and began to reach for a nearby length of liberated copper piping...
?50 shades of green and grey, Part two.
As Bernadette slowly came to, she suddenly realised the all too familiar taste of blood in her mouth. “No again!” she thought to herself. “ I cannae take this any mair.”
But that was the price she had to pay for years for years of dental hygiene neglect. She cast her mind back to last night, watching Declan reach for that copper piping before bursting into tears. “Ah’m sorry!” he sobbed. “Ah don’t know whit came o’er me. It just brought back memories ye know.” And with that he pulled his over worn shirt back on and ran out the door into the drizzly Robroyston night.
It was now 8.40am and there was still no sign of him returning home. This wasn’t unusual though. “He’ll be awright but.”, she thought to herself. “He’ll jist be lying somewhere in his piss stained trackies and a pile of his ain puke as per.”
At that point little Henrik burst through the bedroom door. “Here Ma! Whit’s fur breakfast? The taxi’s gonnae be here tae take us tae school in five minutes!”
“There’s a six pack a’ Cheesy Wotsits in the cupboard. Share them oot wi yer brothers an’ sisters. And while yer at it gonnae geez ma fags o’er. Ah’m pyoor chokin’!” Henrik handed her the ten pack of Mayfair cigarettes whilst trying to sneak one out of the packet for himelf, but Bernadette was wise to this – nobody stole her “fags”. “Ah telt yoo afore! Nae fags til yer in secondary school ya wee shite! An’ how come that taxi isnae here for yooz yet? Ah’m phonin’ that social tae get this sortit– at this rate ah’d be better takin’ yeez tae school masel!
Five minutes later and the children were on their way to school. Bernadette lay in bed and lit her second cigarette of the morning. Her thoughts returned to the previous night and how her yearnings were not satisfied following Declan’s latest breakdown. She lifted her framed photo of Henrik Larsson and slid her hand down inside her five for a pound Primark underwear. “Aw Henrik,” she whispered, “Ah’d love tae fun oot whit yoo could dae wi that tongue!”
Henrik was sometimes the only sexual solace she could find. He never judged her. He just grinned back with his arms outstretched and that long tongue protruding from his golden smile, Declan never made her feel this good. She knew giving birth to seven children had taken its toll on her body and she knew he knew it too. One time he even commented that she had “a fanny like a hippo’s yawn!”
Just as Bernadette’s juices started flowing, she heard a crash at the door.
To be continued...
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