"Going through a bit of a rough time just now, would love to hear your favourite jokes too cheer me up a bit  "
Taken from my status update lol
A guy walks into a pharmacy and asks for viagra. The cashier says I need medical proof that you need it. The guy says will a photo of my wife do? |
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a radio station is offering a world trip to whoever can come up with the best word thats no in dictionary but can be put into a sentence...a wee glasgow guy calls in and says"ma wurd is Gaun.spelt g.a.u.n.and my sentence is "Gaun fuck yersel" The D.J hangs up and apologises to his listeners.5 mins later another glasgow guys and says "Ma word is Smee spelt s.m.e.e. DJ says ok,whats your sentence. The guys says..."smee again,gaun fuck yersel......lol |
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By *ewels74Woman
over a year ago
Dundee/Angus/Blackpool |
Those Dirty Pirates
A pirate is starting his first day aboard his new ship and the captain is giving him the tour. ''There's the plank for trouble makers, there's the deck that needs swabbing everyday and there's the barrel for all you sexual needs.''
''Whatcha mean? my sexual needs?''
''Well, you stick your willy in the hole and you'll be serviced, anytime you want, except for Wednesdays.''
''What happens on Wednesdays?''
''It's your turn in the barrel...'' |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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tried erotic suffocation on the missus the other night when we where having sex.She obviously didnt like it she been lying there for 5 days now giving me the silent treatment  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"tried erotic suffocation on the missus the other night when we where having sex.She obviously didnt like it she been lying there for 5 days now giving me the silent treatment "
thats funny |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Our swinging neighbours are always asking me and my husband if we want to swap partners.
I really regret buying the house next to my parents. "
 hahahahahahahah i got pinch that 1 sorry |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Guy goes into his local chemists and ask for some durex, the woman behind the counter says, sorry we don't have any have you tried Boots, the guy says fuck sake I wnat to slide in no march in. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I almost talked my way out of a speeding ticket today by telling the police woman she was bloody stunning.Although things went a bit sour when i said it not just the drink talking either |
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By *mumaWoman
over a year ago
Livingston |
Cost of a candle-lit dinner for two: £80
Cost for theatre show tickets: £65
Cab fare home: £30
The look on his face when you tell him you're on your period: Priceless.
There are some things money can't buy. For everything else, there's anal. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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When asked if he prefered legs or breasts Paddy said he had a particular fondness for shaved pussy.He was quickly informed that this was not an option with the KFC bargain bucket!!
 |
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By *mumaWoman
over a year ago
Livingston |
Top tip: if you're thinking of using Rohypnol on a woman, take her out for an Indian meal first, and make sure she has something hot.
The next day, when she complains about having a sore arse, you can blame it on the curry. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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As a family were tryin to keep up with technology,got son ipod, daughter iphone, myself iPad an felt sorry for wife so got her iRon, thats when it all kicked off, what an ungrateful b***h.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A womans first thought when coming across a skid mark on the toilet bowl, ewwwwwwwwwwww thats disgusting I must get the bleach out and clean this before I can use it.
A guys first thought , I wonder if I can remove this with my pish  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If i won the lottery I'd buy a horse and call it My Face.
So when the women that have backed it to win they'll be shouting 'Come on my face. Come on my face.' |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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After years of ordering chinese take sways and laughing at the prospect of calling and asking for a 69 I finally asked my local Chinese takeaway how to say 69 in Chinese.....
The response had me in tears....
TuCanChu!
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Both engines failed, the plane was going down into the desert, the sexy nympho starts yelling "we're all going to die!..won't one last man treat me like a real woman?..a ripped hunk strides towards her, pulling off his shirt as he smiles seductively at her....throws the shirt at her and says " Here...iron this"
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"After years of ordering chinese take sways and laughing at the prospect of calling and asking for a 69 I finally asked my local Chinese takeaway how to say 69 in Chinese.....
The response had me in tears....
TuCanChu!
"
oh I like that joke...im gonna steal it lol |
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xx 