On December 8th 2011, a hurricane of biblical strength blasted across North
and Central Scotland.
Glasgow was particularly badly hit.
Victims can be seen wandering aimlessly muttering: "Ah wiz pure sh!ttin' masel
big man, so a wiz, ah need some jellies".
a.. The hurricane decimated the area, causing approximately £30.89 worth of
damage.
b.. Untold disruption and distress was caused: Many were woken well before
their giro arrived.
c.. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish
Costas were damaged.
d.. Three areas of historic and scientifically significant litter were
disturbed.
e.. The cone fell off the head of the statue outside Glasgow's Modern Art
Gallery.
f.. Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the
fact that something interesting has happened in Scotland.
One resident, Pocahontis McGlinchy, a 17 year old mother-of-three said "Ah wiz
like 'Whit's that? Ah,canny hear ma choonz innat man' Wee Beyonce came running
into my bedroom pure howlin so she wiz. My youngest two, Brooklyn an Blackpool
slept through it. I was still pure rattlin when I was watching Jeremy Kyle the
next morning."
Apparently though, looting did carry on as normal.
The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Buckfast to
the area to help the stricken masses.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large
quantities of personal belongings including benefit books and jewellery from
Elizabeth Duke at Argos.
HOW YOU CAN HELP
Clothing is most sought after. Items required include: - Sovvy rings -
Baseball caps - Shell suits - Tesco two stripe trainers - White socks - Chunky
gold chains Food parcels may be harder to put together but are necessary all the
same. Required foodstuffs include: - Ashet Pies and Buckfast - Hauf Pizza
Suppers and Buckfast - Mars Bars and Buckfast - Kebabs and Buckfast - Haggis
Suppers and Buckfast - Fray Bentos Pies and Buckfast
a.. £2 buys chips and ginger for a family of four.
b.. £10 can take a family to Coatbridge for the day, where children can
sniff glue and spike up among the national collection of stinging nettles.
c.. 22p buys a biro for filling in a spurious compensation
claim......................Och aye
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