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NEW JOKES
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"Right folks, feck it lets have some new jokes no ones heard of and a good laugh two ducks in a pond. one sank Ok whose next ? "Ok lost Peter I don't get it lol. | |||
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"What does a clit, an anniversary and a toilet all have in common? Men always miss them. " This made me chuckle  | |||
"What does a clit, an anniversary and a toilet all have in common? Men always miss them. This made me chuckle "I'm sure you're the exception Johnny! | |||
"What does a clit, an anniversary and a toilet all have in common? Men always miss them. This made me chuckle
I'm sure you're the exception Johnny! "My weird and wonderful sense of humour lol | |||
"What does a clit, an anniversary and a toilet all have in common? Men always miss them. This made me chuckle
I'm sure you're the exception Johnny!
My weird and wonderful sense of humour lol "I meant missing the clit, anniversary and the bog | |||
"What does a clit, an anniversary and a toilet all have in common? Men always miss them. This made me chuckle
I'm sure you're the exception Johnny!
My weird and wonderful sense of humour lol
I meant missing the clit, anniversary and the bog "I can do two ....... And in the wise word of Meatloaf 2 outta 3 ain't bad | |||
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"My neighbour suffers from concussion he lives just a stone throw away!!! " Eh? | |||
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"I told Temptress she was drawing her eyebrows too high She looked surprised " PMSL!! You really are a cheeky shit but I did chuckle x | |||
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"I tried to catch fog yesterday Mist "Seriously Bunkie, did you just steal my crap joke? | |||
"Took family out for the day to the see animals. The place only had one wee dog in it! It was a Shih Tzu!!! "I went to the same zoo and it had a halve loaf caged up. Sign said bread in captivity  | |||
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"What do you call a bear with no paw? Rupert the Bastard." | |||
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"When I was younger my dad said to me "Son, for you, the Sky's the limit" This made me sad as I wanted to be a astronaut. At school, the school bully used to rub my head against some sandpaper. I was no match for him After school I got a job at a litter removal man. I didn't get any training but I thought I'd pick it up as I go along "Sorry misread title thought it was new jokes wanted  | |||
"When I was younger my dad said to me "Son, for you, the Sky's the limit" This made me sad as I wanted to be a astronaut. At school, the school bully used to rub my head against some sandpaper. I was no match for him After school I got a job at a litter removal man. I didn't get any training but I thought I'd pick it up as I go along
Sorry misread title thought it was new jokes wanted "They're new to me and to my mates 1 year old grandson | |||
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"When I was younger my dad said to me "Son, for you, the Sky's the limit" This made me sad as I wanted to be a astronaut. At school, the school bully used to rub my head against some sandpaper. I was no match for him After school I got a job at a litter removal man. I didn't get any training but I thought I'd pick it up as I go along
Sorry misread title thought it was new jokes wanted
They're new to me and to my mates 1 year old grandson "New to the grandson fine , maybe get your memory functions checked up granda don’t want you to miss the early onset of Alzheimer’s .  | |||
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"A proton checks into a hotel and the Bellboy says 'don't you have any luggage?', and the proton says 'no, I'm travelling light' " Why can't you trust an atom? Because they make up everything. | |||
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"A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!' The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling, 'You stay out of this..I'm talking to that little shit on your lap "LMAO _unkie, not at the joke , the fact everyone guessed the punchline before reaching it . Tears running down my face mate.  | |||
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What does the pope eat for his dinner?
Nun
Why have women got legs?
Have you seen the mess a snail leaves!
Why aren’t women allowed to swim in the sea?
Because they can’t get the smell out the fish
Why did the monkey fall out the tree?
Because it was dead
Apologies in advance to the ladies, just a bit of light hearted fun  | |||
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The morale of the story fab folks?
If you’re fly drops five inches you get wet pussy
The daft ones are the best. | |||
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"I used to date a twin How can you tell them apart? Jill used to paint her nails purple and Bob had a cock. " That's classic a made me laugh | |||
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"How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? 2 but nobody knows how they got in there. How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two but it’s cramped. How many computer scientists does it take to change a lighbulb? None. That is a hardware issue. How did the hipster burn his hand? He changed the lightbulb before it was cool. How many Mystery-genre writers does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end. How long does it take a performance artist to change a lightbulb? I don’t know, I left after the first hour and a half. How many folk musicians does it take to change a lightbulb? 5; One to change the lightbulb, and four to write songs about how much better the old bulb was. How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a lightbulb? You don’t know man, you weren’t there man . How many alcoholics does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to drink until the room spins. "How many psychotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb? One but the bulb must want to change. How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? Fish | |||
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"My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line. I can tell you I nearly shit her pants. " As long as you don’t touch temps shoes yer fine . | |||
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"Guy goes into a cake shop , that’s got a massive selection of cakes. He asks the Baker “how much are your cakes”. The Baker replies “ every cake in the shop is 50p, except for this one, which cost a £1” The guy looks puzzled and asks “why’s that one a £1?’. ”ah”the Baker says “that ones madiera cake ! “" Thats as bad as mine lol  | |||
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"I call this one "The Dilemma" So your playing for the club championship in front of a big crowd. After 17 holes you and your opponent are dead even. You have the honours of the 18th Tee and you hit your drive right down the middle of the fairway 250 yards. Then your opponent hits straight right into the woods. So you help him look for his ball for about 10 minutes and then he finally says to you, "why don't you go and take your second shot and I'll look for my ball for a couple more minutes and if I don't find it then I'll go and tee up again". So you go back to the fairway and hit your second shot, its perfect, lands about 10 feet from the pin and just as your ball hits the green out from out of the woods you hear the words "Found It !". Then the ball comes out of the woods and lands one inch from the pin. Now here's the Dilemma ! Do you take the cheating bastards ball out from your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut. "Obviously he’s still in the woods and won’t see it going in the bunker . | |||
"I call this one "The Dilemma" So your playing for the club championship in front of a big crowd. After 17 holes you and your opponent are dead even. You have the honours of the 18th Tee and you hit your drive right down the middle of the fairway 250 yards. Then your opponent hits straight right into the woods. So you help him look for his ball for about 10 minutes and then he finally says to you, "why don't you go and take your second shot and I'll look for my ball for a couple more minutes and if I don't find it then I'll go and tee up again". So you go back to the fairway and hit your second shot, its perfect, lands about 10 feet from the pin and just as your ball hits the green out from out of the woods you hear the words "Found It !". Then the ball comes out of the woods and lands one inch from the pin. Now here's the Dilemma ! Do you take the cheating bastards ball out from your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut. "I'm biting my tongue on this one horsey as I don't think you would take a joke from me | |||
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"I call this one "The Dilemma" So your playing for the club championship in front of a big crowd. After 17 holes you and your opponent are dead even. You have the honours of the 18th Tee and you hit your drive right down the middle of the fairway 250 yards. Then your opponent hits straight right into the woods. So you help him look for his ball for about 10 minutes and then he finally says to you, "why don't you go and take your second shot and I'll look for my ball for a couple more minutes and if I don't find it then I'll go and tee up again". So you go back to the fairway and hit your second shot, its perfect, lands about 10 feet from the pin and just as your ball hits the green out from out of the woods you hear the words "Found It !". Then the ball comes out of the woods and lands one inch from the pin. Now here's the Dilemma ! Do you take the cheating bastards ball out from your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut. "If he is one of those golfing taxi drivers, you hit him between the eyes with it. Canny stand cheats or taxi drivers! | |||
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"Whats the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? You wouldn't pay 50 quid to have a lentil on your face." good one as a chef that's definitely getting thrown found the kitchen tomorrow. | |||
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"Tonight is the night dyslexic men dread because tonight their cocks turn black" I don't know, it would open up a whole new playing field on fab for them  | |||
"Tonight is the night dyslexic men dread because tonight their cocks turn black" This made me giggle an reply to 4 woman who wanted black cock | |||
"Tonight is the night dyslexic men dread because tonight their cocks turn black I don't know, it would open up a whole new playing field on fab for them "It needs to bgi toguh. | |||
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"Jeremy Corbyn was visiting a Northern Ireland primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr Corbyn if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'. So, the Labour leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'. A little boy stood up and offered: “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.” “Incorrect,” said Corbyn. “That would be an accident.” A little girl raised her hand: “If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.” “I'm afraid not”, explained Corbyn, “That's what we would refer to as a great loss”. The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Corbyn searched the room. “Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?” Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said: “If a plane carrying you and Diane Abbott was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.” “Fantastic” exclaimed Corbyn, “and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?” “Well”, said Johnny, “it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a fucking accident either !”" Political forum is ¡ that way  | |||
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"Your mama so fat..... thanos had to snap his fingers twice John "Your mamas so stupid, she bought tickets to Xbox live. | |||
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"A young boy goes into the confessional and says bless me father for I have sinned. I had sexual relations with a girl. The priest replies 'is that you young aidan' I'm seriously disappointed in you so tell me who was it with, was it Teresa mcgoldrick. No says the wee boy. I can't say who it was father. Was it Siobhan lehan. No father and I won't say who ll was Was it Angela Doyle. No father it wasn't. I wont ptell you who it was. Was it Mary McGregor. No father it wasn't and for the last time I won't say who it was. Well young aidan I'm sure it'll all come out eventually but in the meantime your suspended from altar boy duty for the rest of the month. The wee boy walks out where his mate is waiting on him, well he says how did you get on. Aye brilliant aidan says, I've got a 3 week vacation and 4 great leads " | |||
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"I am truly perplexed that so many people are against another mosque being built. I think it should be the goal of every Englishman to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance. That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy ", and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot." Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called "Iraq o' Ribs." Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret ", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods. Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side an off-licence called "Morehammered." All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so their mosque issue would not be a problem for others." Yes we should promote tolerance, "Never got past the Englishman part... in a Scottish forum... | |||
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