A reporter meets a man carrying an fifteen foot long metal stick during the Olympics and asks, “Are you a pole vaulter?” “No", says the man, I’m German. But how did you know my name is Walter?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

10 cows in a field. How do you know what ones on holiday

It's the one with the wee calf x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I once organised a Bukkake party... But nobody came.

Boom boom...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Did you hear about Mikey mouses helicopter?

Disneyland

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By *rgoodnbadMan over a year ago

greenock

"What's the difference between Glasgow Rangers Football Club and the dodo?

The dodo had a holding company?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Look for fresh prints.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My mates a farmer he asked me to round up his 47 sheep....I said 50

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Only when drop trousers, well seems to make most women laugh

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By *lutandhubbyCouple over a year ago

west midlands

My wife gave me an ultimatum.

She said "It's me or the dog."

So I fucked the dog

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By *limolder54Man over a year ago

Fife

Was driving my car around a corner and coming the other way was a woman driver with the window down and I shouted big fat cow....she shouted back wanker...then I heard this big bang knowing she hit the cow round the corner.....moral of the story woman don't fekin listen

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Some good bad jokes, guys, and someone who can't or won't read. Cheered me up a bit. Thanks.

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By *esparate danMan over a year ago

glasgow

Why did humpty dumpty throw his girlfriend off the wall

Because he wanted to see her crack

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Bad jokes are my favourite!

Knock knock

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By *oast888Man over a year ago

cambuslang

Walked into a bus stop and asked the lady there "when's it due?"

She slapped me and screamed in my face "I'm not pregnant you prick"

The bus arrived shortly after

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By *oast888Man over a year ago

cambuslang

"Bad jokes are my favourite!

Knock knock"

Who's there?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Bad jokes are my favourite!

Knock knock

Who's there?"

Europe

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By *oast888Man over a year ago

cambuslang

"Bad jokes are my favourite!

Knock knock

Who's there?

Europe"

Europe who?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Bad jokes are my favourite!

Knock knock

Who's there?

Europe

Europe who?"

NO, YOU’RE A POO!!

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By *oast888Man over a year ago

cambuslang

"Bad jokes are my favourite!

Knock knock

Who's there?

Europe

Europe who?

I can't find a speechless emoji worthy

NO, YOU’RE A POO!! "

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Bad jokes are my favourite!

Knock knock

Who's there?

Europe

Europe who?

I can't find a speechless emoji worthy

NO, YOU’RE A POO!! "

Thank my 6 year old! We’re on the same level

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By *oast888Man over a year ago

cambuslang

"Bad jokes are my favourite!

Knock knock

Who's there?

Europe

Europe who?

I can't find a speechless emoji worthy

NO, YOU’RE A POO!!

Thank my 6 year old! We’re on the same level

In that case your off the hook

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By *ullie-kingMan over a year ago

newmains

"What's the difference between Glasgow Rangers Football Club and the dodo?

..better be a good punchline...you've been waiting fucking hours..."

That brought out a chuckle LOL

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By *ullie-kingMan over a year ago

newmains

"10 cows in a field. How do you know what ones on holiday

It's the one with the wee calf x"

The ultimate Scottish joke that 1 lol. Can only be pulled off with a Scottish accent ... the joke I mean

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Bad jokes are my favourite!

Knock knock

Who's there?

Europe

Europe who?

NO, YOU’RE A POO!! "

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"10 cows in a field. How do you know what ones on holiday

It's the one with the wee calf x

The ultimate Scottish joke that 1 lol. Can only be pulled off with a Scottish accent ... the joke I mean

What do you call a Glaswegian super hero

Quality maaan

(Another one that can only be pulled off with the accent)

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By *ullie-kingMan over a year ago

newmains

What do you call a policewoman who shaves her pubes?

Cuntstubble

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Haha! To both these ^^

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By *ullie-kingMan over a year ago

newmains

Guy goes to doctors says; "doctor my armpits smells of coconuts"

Doctor says "Aye, well they're bounty" (bound tae)

Lol

Immaturity at it's best

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By *oast888Man over a year ago

cambuslang

A bear and a rabbit sit side by side taking a shit in the woods

The bear turns to the rabbit and says "hey, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit replies "no,why?"

Bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with it

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Man walks into a bar...

Says ‘ouch’

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By *oast888Man over a year ago

cambuslang

Horse walks into a bar

Barman says....

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Horse walks into a bar

Barman says...."

Why the long face?! Sucker

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By *oast888Man over a year ago

cambuslang

"Horse walks into a bar

Barman says....

Why the long face?! Sucker

Neigh

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By *ighland gentlemanMan over a year ago

Ardgay

"What do you call a policewoman who shaves her pubes?

Cuntstubble

How can you tell the difference between a police man and a police woman?

Batteries in the truncheon.

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By *ullie-kingMan over a year ago

newmains

"What do you call a policewoman who shaves her pubes?

Cuntstubble

How can you tell the difference between a police man and a police woman?

Batteries in the truncheon. "

Lol!

... these forums need a laughing emoji

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By *esparate danMan over a year ago

glasgow

[Removed by poster at 22/05/18 07:36:56]

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By *esparate danMan over a year ago

glasgow

"Horse walks into a bar

Barman says....

Why the long face?! Sucker

Horse says lolllll

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By *cott23Man over a year ago

north ayrshire

What do you do if you see a spaceman?

Park in it man!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Horse walks into a bar

Barman says....

Why the long face?! Sucker

Horse says lolllll"

Why all the l emphasis at the end?

What does that actually mean?

I can't rest until I know these things!

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By *ullie-kingMan over a year ago

newmains

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and sits down in the chair."Comfy?" asks the dentist.

"Govan," she replies.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and sits down in the chair."Comfy?" asks the dentist.

"Govan," she replies.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Horse walks into a bar

Barman says...."

"Are you here for the Fab social?"

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By *lasgowkisserMan over a year ago

Glasgow

What's the difference between a hormone and an enzyme

You can't hear a enzeme

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

When do you kick a midget in the balls? When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call a glaswegian superhero?

Quality man

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

DeJa Vu?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My wife accused me of being a transvestite.

So I packed her things and left.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How do you make a tissue dance?

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By *uietbloke67Man over a year ago

outside your bedroom window ;-)

7 dwarfs in a bath feeling happy....happy got out and told them to fuck off.

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By *ink-KameraMan over a year ago

Livingston

A bit long and quite old but....

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

_____________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

____________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

____________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

____________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

___________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

____________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

____________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

____________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

____________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

____________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral...

____________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

___________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"My wife accused me of being a transvestite.

So I packed her things and left.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

This thread’s great

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By *itznBobz2018Couple over a year ago

edinburgh

A Alien and his wife land near a farm house and knocked on the door. After explain who they were the couple invited them in. As they sat chatting the farmer asked if they were into swinging the aliens agreed and they swapped partners and left for the nights activity. The Alein asked if his dick was big enough the woman said well a little bigger would be nice. No problem and with the twist of his left ear the aliens dick grew two inches. How’s that he said. The woman said one more turn so the alien twisted his ear again and again his dick grew two inches. perfect she said can you make it any thicker no problem he said and with a twist of his right ear his dick grew thicker and they had a night of amazing sex. The next day the husband and wife were sitting at the table when the husband asked how it was for her. Amazing she replied how’s was it for you. The husband replied it was okay but the bitch tried to twist my bloody ears off

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Two nuns in the bath

1st nun, "Where's the soap?"

2nd nun, "Yes it does doesn't it!"

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By *ighland gentlemanMan over a year ago

Ardgay

Man walks into a bar and orders a double whisky, a double rum and a double brandy.

Barman gives him them and he downs all 3 in quick succession.

Barman asks what's this all about?

Guy says just had my first blow job.

Barman says so you are celebrating then?

No, trying to get the taste out of my mouth!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

1. A teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: "Can you come and get me? I've missed the last bus and it's pouring with rain."

"Okay," says her dad. "Where are you ringing from?"

The girl replies: "From the top of my head right down to my knickers".

2. What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?

Oor Wullie.

3. A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.

"No", argues the assistant, "look at that - it says Taiwan".

4. Did you hear about the lonely prisoner?

He was in his cell.

5. After announcing he was getting married, a boy tells his pal he will be wearing the kilt.

"And what's the tartan?" asks his mate.

"Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.

6. Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq?

Coo eight

7. How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just Juan

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By *itznBobz2018Couple over a year ago

edinburgh

Who was the first man to mount olive?

Popeye

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By *ullie-kingMan over a year ago

newmains

"1. A teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: "Can you come and get me? I've missed the last bus and it's pouring with rain."

"Okay," says her dad. "Where are you ringing from?"

The girl replies: "From the top of my head right down to my knickers".

2. What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?

Oor Wullie.

3. A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.

"No", argues the assistant, "look at that - it says Taiwan".

4. Did you hear about the lonely prisoner?

He was in his cell.

5. After announcing he was getting married, a boy tells his pal he will be wearing the kilt.

"And what's the tartan?" asks his mate.

"Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.

6. Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq?

Coo eight

7. How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just Juan

I see you took one out of the list lol

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"1. A teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: "Can you come and get me? I've missed the last bus and it's pouring with rain."

"Okay," says her dad. "Where are you ringing from?"

The girl replies: "From the top of my head right down to my knickers".

2. What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?

Oor Wullie.

3. A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.

"No", argues the assistant, "look at that - it says Taiwan".

4. Did you hear about the lonely prisoner?

He was in his cell.

5. After announcing he was getting married, a boy tells his pal he will be wearing the kilt.

"And what's the tartan?" asks his mate.

"Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.

6. Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq?

Coo eight

7. How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just Juan

I see you took one out of the list lol

Yup, someone had done it already

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

One day, an old guy gets on a bus. Several minutes later a punk kid with red, green, and orange hair gets on. The kid notices that the old man keeps staring at him. "What you staring at, old man? Ain't you ever done anything wild in your time?" "Yeah. I screwed a parrot once. I was wondering if you were my son?"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I was in bed with a woman and she said, "I want tonight to be magical!"

And it was...

After we had sex, I disappeared!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I wouldn't say I had a high sperm count, but my girlfriend has to chew it before she swallows

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I wouldn't say I had a high sperm count, but my girlfriend has to chew it before she swallows

Wow! I thought it was just mine that's like that! (The sperm, not the girlfriend. She is a bit thick, mind you)

JOKE, before you all start. I don't have a girlfriend. And I would't date a bimbo. OK, I would, but that's not the point.

Wait... How did I get in this deep hole?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Chicken and cat walking past a field of corn which is surrounded by water. Cat says bet that field is full of mice and runs to jump the water but falls in. The chicken says bet that corn is delicious and jumps over the water and starts to eat the corn. Morale of the story........

A satisfied cock and a wet pussy

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"A Alien and his wife land near a farm house and knocked on the door. After explain who they were the couple invited them in. As they sat chatting the farmer asked if they were into swinging the aliens agreed and they swapped partners and left for the nights activity. The Alein asked if his dick was big enough the woman said well a little bigger would be nice. No problem and with the twist of his left ear the aliens dick grew two inches. How’s that he said. The woman said one more turn so the alien twisted his ear again and again his dick grew two inches. perfect she said can you make it any thicker no problem he said and with a twist of his right ear his dick grew thicker and they had a night of amazing sex. The next day the husband and wife were sitting at the table when the husband asked how it was for her. Amazing she replied how’s was it for you. The husband replied it was okay but the bitch tried to twist my bloody ears off "

Lol...I liked that

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By *ature housewifeWoman over a year ago

GLASGOW

A horse and a young chicken are playing together in a field. They are kicking a ball back and forward. Getting over-excited, the horse kicks the ball too hard. The ball flies over the little chicken's head and lands in the middle of a big muddy puddle in a neighbouring field.

"You kicked it, you go get it back," the little chicken yells at the horse. So the horse trots off to the next field. He wades into the puddle and kicks the ball out to the young chicken.

"Help! Help!" the horse yells. "I have sunk into the mud. I cannot get out the puddle!!". He tells the chick, "Go to the farmhouse. Get the farmer. He has a big powerful German car. He can use it to pull me free.".

So the chick runs off to the farmhouse and returns soon afterwards with the farmer in his BMW. The farmer lassoos a rope around the horses head, and ties the other end of the rope to the car. He jumps into the driving seat and within minutes the horse is pulled free.

They horse and young chicken return to their field and begin kicking the ball to one another again. Once again, the horse kicks the ball too hard and it lands in the muddy puddle. The horse starts walking towards the puddle but the young chicken says, "NO! I will go this time. I am much lighter than you. I will not sink.". The young chicken heads off to the muddy puddle and wades in to retrieve the ball. The young chicken throws the ball to the horse, and tries to get out of the puddle, but the more the young chicken moves the further it sinks. "Go get the farmer," the chicken yells to the horse.

The horse thinks for a moment and says, "No need for the farmer. I will straddle the puddle. You reach up and grab onto my cock. Hold on tight and I will leap away and pull you free.". So the horse straddles the puddle, the young chicken grabs onto the horse's cock. The horse jumps away, and the young chicken is pulled free to safety.

And the moral of the story is - if you are hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks

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By *ature housewifeWoman over a year ago

GLASGOW

A little boy goes up to his dad and asks, "Dad, where does poo come from?".

Dad explains that food enters the mouth and passes down the oesophagus by peristalsis to the stomach. There are digestive enzymes that induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal to extract protein before the waste products descend via the colon and rectum to emerge as poo.

The boy looks horrified. "Crikey!" says the little boy, "Where does Tigger come from then?"

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By *ature housewifeWoman over a year ago

GLASGOW

After the death of his uncle, a young man goes to the uncle's house to sort out his uncle's things. In a cupboard he finds an old fashioned lamp, that appears to be made of gold. It is filthy, so he decides to give it a clean. He uses a duster and starts to rub off the dirt. A genie emerges from the lamp. The genie says to the man, "Your uncle used 2 of his 3 wishes, I shall grant you the last if you set me free.".

The man thinks for a while, unable to decide upon his one wish. The genie grows impatient and demands to know what the 3rd wish will be. The man says, "I want to be the luckiest person alive!".

"So be it," says the genie and disappears in a puff of smoke. The young man leaves the house, and just outside he finds a wallet with £200 in it. He decides to test hes new found luck and takes the £200 to the casino. After a couple of hours, he leaves with £20000.

He heads to the ub to meet up with his friends. In the pub it is quiz night, and the man decides to enter a team. He and his mates get no questions wrong and they win the £1000 jackpot.

The young man heads to the bar to get a round in, and he is approached by a beautiful Indian woman. "I have been watching you, "she says. "I find your intelligence and confidence a massive turn on and I want you to make love to me tonight.".

He takes the woman home and they are kissing on the couch. They strip off and she goes down on him to suck his cock, but she notices he is struggling to maintain an erection. "What is the matter?" she asks.

He replies, "It is that dot on your forehead. It is too distracting. I cannot go through with this.".

The woman explains, "It is the bindi. It is only make up. It washes off.".

So the man wets a fingertip and he scrapes off the bindi. He lets out a scream and jumps up and yells, "Fuck me, I've won a car!".

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

But does mean can to get rid of the BMW though

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By *traight up guyMan over a year ago

Morpeth

Q : What's E.T. short for?

A: Cos he's got little legs.

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By *traight up guyMan over a year ago

Morpeth

Q: Why is Toblerone triangular?

A: So it fits in the box.

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By *traight up guyMan over a year ago

Morpeth

A New Zealand farmer is walking down a lane with 2 sheep. His mate sees him and says 'Hi mate, are you shearing?' The farmer says, 'No mate. I'm gonna fuck 'em both myself!'

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By *ikkevCouple over a year ago

larkhall

how do you get your girlfriend to scream during sex

call her and tell her about it

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I wouldn't say I had a high sperm count, but my girlfriend has to chew it before she swallows

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"A New Zealand farmer is walking down a lane with 2 sheep. His mate sees him and says 'Hi mate, are you shearing?' The farmer says, 'No mate. I'm gonna fuck 'em both myself!'"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why are pirates called pirates??? Because they aargh!!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How do you make a couple of pounds of fat useful? Put a nipple on it!!

How do you give a woman an orgasm? Who know!!

How do you give a woman multiple orgasms? Who cares!!!

ok, ok I know sexist, will retire to my sad, naughty step

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How can you tell if a man is well hung?

When you can barely slip your finger between his neck and the noose.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

What do you call the female equivalent of a mysogynist?

A woman.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Roy had a brand new pair of shoes. He goes to visit his friend. Being polite, he removes his shoes and leaves them at the door. While visiting with his friend, the friend’s cat discovers Roy's new shoes, likes the smell and proceeds to chew them up. Roy goes ballistic. The friend, feeling very bad, has a dilemma: he has two cats. One of the cats enters the room at that moment. The friend then asks:

Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?

(If you are very much younger than me I'll explain that one. Old fadges will get it...

)

Jintz x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Roy had a brand new pair of shoes. He goes to visit his friend. Being polite, he removes his shoes and leaves them at the door. While visiting with his friend, the friend’s cat discovers Roy's new shoes, likes the smell and proceeds to chew them up. Roy goes ballistic. The friend, feeling very bad, has a dilemma: he has two cats. One of the cats enters the room at that moment. The friend then asks:

Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?

(If you are very much younger than me I'll explain that one. Old fadges will get it...

)

Jintz x"

Aye you can Chat n ooo yer chew chew... no explanation required

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My paper manufacturing business has folded seven times so I’m pretty sure it can’t happen again.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Mr: Why do you never blink during foreplay?

Me: I never have time.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this…

‘Looking for man with these qualifications; won’t beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.’

The next day her door bell rings, looking down on her doorstep was a man with no arms and legs.

He says “Hi, I’m Bob. I have no arms so I won’t beat you up and no legs so I won’t run away.”

She says, “What makes you think you are so great in bed?”

He smiles and says “how do you think I rang your fucking door bell?”

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By *verysmileMan over a year ago

Canterbury

I fainted into my food in the local curry house when I heard that REM had broken up.

That's me in the Korma.....

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Q What do you get hanging from apple trees? A Soar arms

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By *oast888Man over a year ago

cambuslang

What did the Scottish man and Chinese woman call their kid.

Haw Wie Yin

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By *ornyfuckers66Couple over a year ago

fife

Went to see the pretenders and it was a tribute act

Elvis gets out of his pool for 20th time Precilla says what you doing Elvis ? Elvis says I can’t help falling in love

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By *V-AliceTV/TS over a year ago

Ayr

Two obese guys sitting at a bar.

One says "Your round."

"So are you, you fat c*nt!", replies the other.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Two cannibals at a buffet, one says to the other, "I'm having a ball"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Jaznowidz mowie do jasnowidzenie wiersze co on mowie wiem

its a Polish joke I learned it's a psychic tells another psychic do you what and the other psychic says I know I think that's how you spell it I'm still learning

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I think it loses something in translation.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Lol maybe it's me

I'll get there

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By *lueeyesandCCCouple over a year ago

Glasgow

Guy walks in to a bar with a giraffe. The two of them are on a wild one and get absolutely hammered. It’s the end of the night and the goes to leave, the bar man turns round and say, “mate you canny leave that lying there” he turns to the bar man and says, “it’s no a lion mate, it’s a giraffe”

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By *egs11ABCWoman over a year ago

Aberdeen

What's a man's definition of foreplay?

Half an hour of begging x

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By *othianGuy41Man over a year ago

Eureka

I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"

I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

So this girl is visiting her pals hoose and as soon as she is in the door and coat aff she's moaning like fuck about her husband her job her wee yappy shite of a dug being sick on the carpet again after it chewed her louboutins, the post being late her nails the kitchen sink etc etc. 15 minutes passes and her mate is just about passing out when she pauses for a breath and her poor earfucked mate asks her what she's all about biting her lug aff for the last quarter of an hour. The girl says well you were the one that invited me round for dinner and a whine

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,

"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!"

Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too,"

Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.

"I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous, “says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job,"

Says the duck.

"Where is it?"

"At the circus,"

Says the barman.

"The circus?"

Repeats the duck.

"That's right,"

Replies the barman.

"The circus?"

The duck asks again.

With the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .........

"What the fuck would they want with a plasterer??!"......??

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Two men walk into a bar…

One of them says: “Drinks are on I.”

The other says: “No, drinks are on ME!”

“Have it your way!” says the first.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A guy runs in to a pub and asks the barman if he can use the toilet as he has to take his salts

The barman agrees

5 minutes later the guy appears thanks the barman and leaves

This happens for the next three nights

On the 5th night the guy comes in again makes the same request and the barman agrees.

This time the barman is curious to know what is going on so after 2 mins creeps up to the door of the gents and slowly opens it.

To his horror the guy is lying naked on the floor with shit spattered up all the walls

Repelled the barman yells " what kind of fucking salts do you take?"

To which the guy casually replied

"Somersaults"

I'll get my coat

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Well you know what they say “ oral sex can make your day, but anal sex can make your whole week!!!

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By *cottish 41Man over a year ago

Hamilton

Ralph came home d*unk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph." Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!" St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back: as a chicken." Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, eh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!" "You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" "Never," said Ralph. "Well, just relax and let it happen." Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, "Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting the bed!!!"

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By *cottish 41Man over a year ago

Hamilton

2 goldfish got a new tank.

One goldfish said to the other

"You drive, I'll man the gun".

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By *othianGuy41Man over a year ago

Eureka

I caught my son masturbating over a photo of my wife this morning.

I then had to explain to him that a MILF is supposed to be someone else's mother.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My favourite recent joke:

A man is sat at an old friend's funeral, in the row behind the lonely widower.

Leaning forward, he taps the bereaved on the shoulder,

"Excuse me, I'm terribly sorry for your loss. Bert was a dear, dear friend of mine, and I was wondering whether I could say a word in his honour?"

Flattered, the grieving woman gives the go-ahead, and the man promptly takes to the pulpit.

Surveying the room with a slow, soft glare, resolve to pay homage to his friend shielding the pain in his eyes, he clears his throat, and speaks;

"PLETHORA."

His one word spoken, he leaves the front of the room, and once more takes up his seat behind the front row.

The widow turns to him and says,

"Thank you, that means a lot".

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By *mooth shaftMan over a year ago

Edinburgh

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

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By *inkycarolineTV/TS over a year ago

Kilwinning

The SNP

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By *othianGuy41Man over a year ago

Eureka

My bank just called me because of suspicious activity on my debit card. They couldn't believe I bought a gym membership.

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