FabSwingers.com > Forums > Scotland > Who’s got jokes ?
Who’s got jokes ?
Jump to: Newest in thread
 |
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
So I’m usually a smiley soul but had a rubbish day ,does anyone have any jokes to cheer woman up ?
I love rubbish jokes the best ! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What do you call a train full of professors? |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"What do you call a train full of professors?"
??? |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
DHL are in for the distribution contract for Cadbury’s Easter deliveries. Having screwed up KFC they now can’t decide what to deliver first - the chicken or the egg. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
A tube of smarties |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"A tube of smarties "
Pmsl that’s getting plagiarised ! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"DHL are in for the distribution contract for Cadbury’s Easter deliveries. Having screwed up KFC they now can’t decide what to deliver first - the chicken or the egg."
It was a bit obvious but still made me smile ! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs."
Mr Costa that made me lol
I love fab ! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs."
Thats brilliant haha |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just Juan  |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just Juan "
That’s even rubbish in my standards |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
What kind of bees make milk ????
Boo bees ! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just Juan
That’s even rubbish in my standards "
That’s bad then  |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’ That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs  |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
"
Ha ha so getting stolen !!!!! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
My pet mouse 'Elvis' died last night...
He was caught in a trap!  |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
The people in Kuwait don't like the Flintstones
but the Abu Dhabi's do |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I told my wife i have a new job having life sex on stage, she said to me, are you having me on, so i replied i will ask the boss but uptill now they have all been young and pretty. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I feel out with the lolipop lady this morning, she made me cross. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Never follow the masses, sometimes the “m” is silent  |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Did you here about the two silk worms that had a race?
It was a tie  |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just Juan "
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Corduroy pillows... they’re making headlines ... |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I called a local restaurant and asked if they did takeaways, the said yes so i asked what is 235 minus 78. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What's the difference between the G spot and a golf ball?
A guy will look for a golf ball. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"What's the difference between the G spot and a golf ball?
A guy will look for a golf ball."
A golf balls easier to find in the ‘long grass’ |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"What's the difference between the G spot and a golf ball?
A guy will look for a golf ball.
A golf balls easier to find in the ‘long grass’ "
And in a freshly mown lawn? What's your excuse? |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What do you call a Scotsman whos nearly home?
Hamish
 |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"What do you call a Scotsman whos nearly home?
Hamish
"
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"What's the difference between the G spot and a golf ball?
A guy will look for a golf ball.
A golf balls easier to find in the ‘long grass’
And in a freshly mown lawn? What's your excuse?"
Pretending to not know where it is only increases the length of time to fumble |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
How do you make a cat go woof?
Set it on fire *wooooof*
John  |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"What's the difference between the G spot and a golf ball?
A guy will look for a golf ball.
A golf balls easier to find in the ‘long grass’
And in a freshly mown lawn? What's your excuse?
Pretending to not know where it is only increases the length of time to fumble "
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
went to a zoo yesterday...
they only had 1 dog ...
IT WAS A SHITZOO |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *eADevilCouple
over a year ago
Blantyre |
A dyslexic guy walked into a bra. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"A dyslexic guy walked into a bra."
Hey, I have sex daily... fcuk! DYSLEXIA |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I saw a new retail business today, they sell supositories.
Think it might be a pop up shop |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"went to a zoo yesterday...
they only had 1 dog ...
IT WAS A SHITZOO"
Last time I went to a zoo there was a baguette in a cage.
Sign said "bread in captivity" |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Man: “Do you have that new book on small penises?”
Librarian: “Sorry, I don’t think it’s in yet.”
Man: “Yes that’s the one.” |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What’s big, red, and if it fell out of a tree, it would kill you?
A fire engine |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
There was a young lady from leeds Who swallowed a packet of seeds Within an hour her tits were a flower And her arse were covered in s lol |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Taking the piss out of a dyslexic dwarf "not big and its not clever!"
How does the moon cut his hair??
Eclipse it!!
What's the most popular owl in the uk??
You ready?
It's a teat owl!!
Pub the other day telling jokings I said "right I've got an Irish joke for you's" big guys 7 foot and 17 stone says "before you start I'm warning you now I'm Irish" I said "ok pal no worries I'll explain them to you later" |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Why did the washing machine laugh?? Because he was taking the piss out the knickers |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *eADevilCouple
over a year ago
Blantyre |
Why do elephants paint their toenails red.
So they can hide up cherry trees.
Have you ever seen an elephant up a cherry tree.
No ?
Just shows how effective the disguise is . |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Why did the washing machine laugh?? Because he was taking the piss out the knickers "
Lol THE NAME IS BACK!!!!! 
I like the joke too |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"What's the difference between the G spot and a golf ball?
A guy will look for a golf ball."
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I called a local restaurant and asked if they did takeaways, the said yes so i asked what is 235 minus 78. "
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Why do elephants paint their toenails red.
So they can hide up cherry trees.
Have you ever seen an elephant up a cherry tree.
No ?
Just shows how effective the disguise is ."
I love this it’s so random !!!!! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
The 65 year old flasher was going to retire but thought he would stick it out for another year |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Woke my wife this morning by shoving her E-Reader up her fanny.
I'm trying to rekindle our sex life. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Paddy called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."
"That's terrible," she replied, "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest" Paddy said, "But that would explain the suitcase!!" |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *omaMan
over a year ago
Glasgow |
I want to die peacefully, with a smile on my face like my grandfather
Not screaming in terror like the 46 passengers on his bus |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
Thanks fab honestly these have made me smile !!! And the cackle ( my awful laugh) has come out driving Hubby nuts != bonus !  |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *eADevilCouple
over a year ago
Blantyre |
What do you call a dear with no eyes
No idea
What do you call a dead dear with no eyes
A still no idea. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What do you call a donkey with 1 eye and 3 legs.
A winky wonky donkey. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I sent a text to my boss and asked.what's the difference between work and your wife?. He said I don't know...I said I'm not coming into work today.... |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"95% of men don't know how to turn a dishwasher on....I found out that some fingering and sucking her nipples usually works... "
Oh...! Ashamed to admit I laughed at that one. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"95% of men don't know how to turn a dishwasher on....I found out that some fingering and sucking her nipples usually works...
Oh...! Ashamed to admit I laughed at that one."
That must be Mr Doggy! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
The Mrs sent me a text telling me she was in casualty....a watched the whole episode and never saw her...she's still no home...I'm starving. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Did you hear about the gay undertaker |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *xycpl699Couple
over a year ago
kilmarnock |
wee mouse says to other wee mouse cum round here a show ya ma hole.
hollie |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity at the moment - it’s impossible to put down! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just Juan "
How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, one to paint it black. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"95% of men don't know how to turn a dishwasher on....I found out that some fingering and sucking her nipples usually works...
Oh...! Ashamed to admit I laughed at that one.
That must be Mr Doggy!"
Nope, the Mrs!
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but how did they get in there in the first place? |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
It took ages but I remember a girl sucking three bus drivers at the same time.
Guess what, they all came at the same time  |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What's a woman & a Washing Machine got in Common? They both leak when they're Fucked  |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I went to watch the monkeys wanking, but got bored so went to see the crocodiles and guess what, I was still wanking  |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *ockieMan
over a year ago
Cupar |
After 1 year of marriage why are some women like a Dyson?
They start whining then stop sucking |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *ockieMan
over a year ago
Cupar |
Nike now have trainers Nikes for Dykes, 40% longer tongue and two fingers gets them off |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *ockieMan
over a year ago
Cupar |
A guy asks the librarian have you a book on euthanasia, she replies bugger off, you lot never bring it back
Sorry for the bad taste joke |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What do u call a gay dinosaur
Megasorearse
Or a lesbian dinosaur
Licka lotopuss |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *uietbloke67Man
over a year ago
outside your bedroom window ;-) |
7 Dwarfs in a bath feeling happy...Happy got out and told them to fuck off |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"What do you call a dear with no eyes
No idea
What do you call a dead dear with no eyes
A still no idea. "
What do you call a deer with no legs, no eyes and no genitals?
Still no fucking idea. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Two goldfish in a tank, one says to the other....how the fuck do you drive this thing |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
[Removed by poster at 27/02/18 23:22:42] |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"DHL are in for the distribution contract for Cadbury’s Easter deliveries. Having screwed up KFC they now can’t decide what to deliver first - the chicken or the egg."
Hey...I hear Cadbury's are trying to break into the Far East Market...could be a Chinese Whispa. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
[Removed by poster at 28/02/18 05:04:11] |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I went to a swingers club and they said, "it's £15 entry but for an extra fiver you can have a meal" . So I paid the extra fiver and upon entry, this old, naked guy, staggered up to me and said "hi, I'm ameal, what would you like to do this evening"
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
The police arrested 2 men. One had swallowed a battery and the other one had a firework up his arse. They took them back to the station where one was charged and the other one got let off. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Did you hear about the gay undertaker"
No ?? |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Why did the leprechaun wear 2 condoms?
"To be sure, to be sure" |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Your mum. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What did the cow say to the mc donalds burger ??
How now ground cow |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Apparently I can't use beefstew as my password........
It's just not stroganoff! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"So I’m usually a smiley soul but had a rubbish day ,does anyone have any jokes to cheer woman up ?
I love rubbish jokes the best !"
Y did humpty dumpy throw his wife off thewall
To see her crack |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Why do moths fly with their legs open?
Just have a look at the size of moth balls! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *lphacMan
over a year ago
glasgow |
I had a very hard hard upbringing..my parents were dwarves...they really struggled to put food on the table! ) |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Woke my wife this morning by shoving her E-Reader up her fanny.
I'm trying to rekindle our sex life."
?????? love it!!! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
With all this snow I’ve been stuck at home reading books, my favourites are
“Great flood of China” by wan Lang pee
"Rusty Bedsprings" by I.P Nightly
"Coloured Water" by I.P Green
"Over the Cliff" by Eileen Dover
"Plant Biology" by Teresa Green
"Tigers Revenge" by Claude Balls
“Russian Torture” by I. Ripta bolokoff
“Nail on the banister" by R.Stornoway
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound...
The first young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager" she said. I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "that was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand."
The older woman felt very low tech. However, not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna, went to the bathroom.
She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The older woman finally said "well, will you look at that....I'm getting a fax!" |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What's brown and quacks??
Donald Mince
I'll get my coat........ |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What's brown and sticky?
.
.
.
A stick  |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"What's brown and sticky?
.
.
.
A stick "
Parcel tape . |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"What's brown and sticky?
.
.
.
Treacle "
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. the mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'
The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it.'
'Your wasting your time,' said the boy.
'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.
'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.' |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"What do you call a dear with no eyes
No idea
What do you call a dead dear with no eyes
A still no idea. "
... and no dick?
Still, no fucking idea |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
[Removed by poster at 16/03/18 14:09:15] |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What do you call 10 Tories at the bottom of the sea?
A good start!
Now we're getting political!
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"My wife just said, 'You weren’t even listening were you?' and I thought to myself, 'What a strange way to start a conversation'." |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I just got a letter from screwfix direct thanking me for my interest but they said they are not a dating site ?? |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
French people cannae count. You ask for twa pies...and they give you three!!
(Awaits a kick in the knickers from Max! ) |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Mickey Mouse is in the middle of a nasty divorce from Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane," said the judge. Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's fucking Goofy!" |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Masochist: Hit me.
Sadist: NO. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What have recipe books and porno mags got in common ?
All the best pages stick together . |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Apparently a true story from a doctor.
Patient: I can't get any condoms to fit me.
Doctor: Huh? Really?
Patient: Look! [use your imagination]
Doctor: You shouldn't try to get it over your balls as well. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Did you hear about the gay magician? |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
He went out with a p. 70's guy here  |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"What’s big, red, and if it fell out of a tree, it would kill you?
A fire engine "
A fire engine wouldn't be in a tree ? |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
Loving the bump. Roll on more good jokes. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Put diesel in the Escort.
She Died |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Jokes are meant to be funny folks |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
How many Liverpudlians does it take to change a light bulb?
Shit where's the light bulb. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
How much does a polar bear weigh????? |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Here’s a good one....
Fab is an excellent site!
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Son: Dad, why did you and Mum call my sister Teresa?
Dad: Because it’s an anagram of Easter and your mum loves Easter
Son: Thanks dad
Dad: You’re welcome Alan
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Boy took his family's cow over to the girl's family farm to breed with her family's bull. As the bull and cow were performing their duties, the boy sidled over to the girl and put hi arm around her and said, "I wish I could be doing what your bull's doing..." To which the girl batteted her eyelashes all wide-eyed and innocent and replied, "Well, why don't you? It's your cow!" |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What do you call a Glaswegian super hero?
Quality man |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
what’s the story discotitts, any crack no babbycakes your chicken dance cracks me ffs lol in bits not even funny |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
what do you call irish man , doing the chicken dance i’m scotsman lol |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Since I play in a band here are my musicians jokes
Hear about the bass players bad timing
He threw himself behind a train
Why did the drummer put drum sticks on his dashboard
So he can park in the handicap spot
What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine
You only have to punch it into a drum machine once
And my favourite
What's the difference between a guitarist and a trampoline
You take ur shoes off before jumping on a trampoline lol |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"what do you call irish man , doing the chicken dance i’m scotsman lol"
Can you not just post in the Irish forum? We have enough eejits of our own here. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Since I play in a band here are my musicians jokes
Hear about the bass players bad timing
He threw himself behind a train
Why did the drummer put drum sticks on his dashboard
So he can park in the handicap spot
What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine
You only have to punch it into a drum machine once
And my favourite
What's the difference between a guitarist and a trampoline
You take ur shoes off before jumping on a trampoline lol "
Things you never hear:
That's the banjo players Ferrari... |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What do you call a rabbit with a bent cock.....fucks funny |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
A woman brings 11 year old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her 11 year old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"what do you call irish man , doing the chicken dance i’m scotsman lol
Can you not just post in the Irish forum? We have enough eejits of our own here."
Are you the forum police? Or a wannabe moderator? |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
A cockold couple had arranged a meet at their house but on the morning of the meet, mother nature cruelly struck.
They contacted the guy, with the intention of rescheduling but he was very insistent the meet went ahead explaining that he actually had a period fetish.
After a drink and a chat, the wife began to undress, then opened her legs to slowly remove her tampon.
....Well, it was like a red rag to a bull!
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Since I play in a band here are my musicians jokes
Hear about the bass players bad timing
He threw himself behind a train
Why did the drummer put drum sticks on his dashboard
So he can park in the handicap spot
What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine
You only have to punch it into a drum machine once
And my favourite
What's the difference between a guitarist and a trampoline
You take ur shoes off before jumping on a trampoline lol "
 to the last one. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"7 Dwarfs in a bath feeling happy...Happy got out and told them to fuck off"
8 dwarfs then ! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
Supplies |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
Supplies "
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
When I was at school a Policeman came in and did a talk On Drugs.
I couldn't understand a fucking word he said.
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"When I was at school a Policeman came in and did a talk On Drugs.
I couldn't understand a fucking word he said.
"
brilliant ... made me splutter my cup of tea ! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
“And then God created the orgasm, so women can moan even when they are happy” |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"When I was at school a Policeman came in and did a talk On Drugs.
I couldn't understand a fucking word he said.
brilliant ... made me splutter my cup of tea !"
glad someone laughed feel a bit weird laughing at your own jokes |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
To anyone suffering from Paranoia...
You are not alone! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"When I was at school a Policeman came in and did a talk On Drugs.
I couldn't understand a fucking word he said.
"
We must follow the same twitter feed as read that earlier and |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I've been told I'm not ambitious enough.
If only there was an olympic sport for being a lazy cunt. That bronze medal would be mine. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
The people who make viagra have made a new eye drop.
Doesn't really work, just makes you look hard... |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"7 Dwarfs in a bath feeling happy...Happy got out and told them to fuck off
8 dwarfs then ! "
tried to tell the 7 dawrfs a joke but went right over there heads |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"The people who make viagra have made a new eye drop.
Doesn't really work, just makes you look hard... "
Pmsl this cracked me up! Thanks honey x |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Would love to tell you my joke about the German sausage.
I really can't, it's the Wurst.
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I wonder if Michael Jackson looks like he did in thriller yet? |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"I wonder if Michael Jackson looks like he did in thriller yet?"
That's Bad. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I wonder if Michael Jackson looks like he did in thriller yet?
That's Bad. "
who's bad? |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What do you call a prostitute with no legs?
Chash and carry |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
How does an elephant get into a car?
Thru the trunk |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Women's orgasms are like opinions.
Mine's more important and I don't care if she has one.
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
How do you get 4 elephants in a min ......
Old ones are best
2 in the front and 2 in the back
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I was out on the piss last night & pulled this georgeous bird. We made love several times & i went down on her. Then we fell asleep in each others arms. When i got up in the morning though, i had the shock of my life. She had put on 5 stone during the night. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Did you hear about the woman with twelve breasts?
Sounds great.
Dozen tit? |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
two sausages in hot frying pan one turns round to other he like fuck me warm in here eh?
other ones like that fuck me a talking sausage lol
where you find a dog with no legs?
where you left it lol
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
why did god give women thrush ?
so they knew what a irritating cunt was before married one x |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Asked a girl in a bar if she got her jeans in a sale- cos they’re 100% off at mine! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Accidentally said hello to a feminist today!
My trial starts on Monday. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What do you call a Judge with no thumbs?
....Justice Fingers |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Just watched a programme about beavers ( not that kind, you dirty sods)
Beat dam documentary in years |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Whoever snuck the ''s'' into fast food was a clever bastard. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I saw a job advertised as a fanny waxers assistant. Job includes removing ladies knickers, prepare fanny for waxing and rub in oil after waxing
When I asked at the Job Centre they said I had to go to Cornwall - I asked why, is that where the job is?
No, they said - that's where the back of the fucking queue is! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
[Removed by poster at 31/07/18 14:01:34] |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I just got a job in a department store cleaning the mirrors I will be able to see myself doing well in job |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What do you call a Chinese woman with no legs??
Dragon lips..... |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
To the bastard that broke into my house and stole my antidepressants
. . .
I hope you're happy now! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
My grandad told me heaps of jokes before he passed away
But before he passed away my Gran would rub butter on his back
After that he went downhill very quickly |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
" My grandad told me heaps of jokes before he passed away
But before he passed away my Gran would rub butter on his back
After that he went downhill very quickly "
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
My grandad always used to say, "you'll go far son"
Wish i had realised he meant 600 miles a week to aberdeen and back.... |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
At the risk of being trolled by the PC brigade, a little dark humour.
Why did the pre-op transexual jump off the top of a building?
So he could land with a fud...
Boom boom!
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Had lots of jobs as a young man. I was a human cannonball did not last long i got fired. I had a job as a carpet layer again did not last long did not have a flair for it( dundee accent) . I tried to make money as a contorionist but couldn't make ends meet. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"To the bastard that broke into my house and stole my antidepressants
. . .
I hope you're happy now!"
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What do you call a small, fat, and balding caretaker?
Janny DeVito |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
The quietest animal on a farm?
Its the donkey.
It says he haw |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
