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Joke of the day

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Let's have fun here love having a laugh so let's hear your best joke everyone

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Omg...... You will NEVER guess what I have just witnessed!! I was at the Tescos petrol station on Princes Roadand I saw 2 policeman watching this woman putting petrol in her car. With a fag in her hand!! FFS ! Then I heard her scream and yell...her arm was on fire!! She was screaming and waving her arm around. Next thing the 2 cops had her on the ground putting the fire out with a fire extinguisher, Thank God!

The next thing they put the handcuffs on her and are putting her in the back of the Police car, Me being Mrs nosey bugger that I am went over and asked what the hell are u arresting her for, shouldnt u be taking her to the friggin hospital??! The copper got well cocky with me and said 'We're arresting her for waving a firearm about!!'.........haha, gotcha! now copy & paste, see who believes u before the end!

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By *mmsiebeeCouple over a year ago

Falkirk

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."

The guy asks, "Why do you say that?"

"The Murphy twins are d*unk again."

Still my favourite one...

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Nice both made me laugh x

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

So one day after fighting some crime, Superman wanted to score some action he flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was available as he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs wide open superman thought to himself I'm faster than a speeding bullet I could be in there have sex and be out again before she knew what happened so Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off happily meanwhile back on the bed wonder Woman asked, did u hear something ? No said the Invisible Man, but my ass sure hurts like hell lol

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By *allandbeardedMan over a year ago

stirling

Donald Trump is president.

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By *awty MaxWoman over a year ago

Edinburgh

"Donald Trump is president."

That made me cry! not laugh lol

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By *ittle DancerWoman over a year ago

Leslie, Glenrothes

It's a long one but by far my favourite joke..

Heaven is getting a little crowded, so God decides to have a new rule. The new rule is that no one can get into heaven from now on unless they had a really bad death. God explains this to all the angels, including St. Peter, who is the gatekeeper of heaven.

So St. Peter is waiting at the gate for a while, and surely enough a guy comes up. The guy thinks to himself "Since I am up here, I must be in." He is ready to walk in, when St. Peter stops him and explains the new rule. The guy goes "Okay, but how will you know if I had a bad death or not?"

St. Peter thinks for a minute and says, "Well just tell me how you died and I will decide."

The guy begins, "I was planning to go to a party after work, but since I was exhausted I did not go, but instead came home. As I was walking into my condo, which is on the 4th floor by the way. I saw shoes at my door that did not belong, so I barge into my apartment and surely enough I find my wife half naked. I search the whole apartment up and down and don't find anyone. All of a sudden, I hear a guy screaming for help from my balcony. So I go out there and see a guy hanging for his life from my balcony. I start stomping on his fingers and make sure he lets go of the balcony and falls down. The bastard falls into the bushes and I look down but still see him twitching. So I decide to grab my refrigerator and throw it down the balcony to make sure the son of a bitch dies. But after doing all that hard work I had an heart attack. Now I am up here."

St. Peter thinks for a second and says "Well you're wife cheated on you right before you died that seems like a pretty bad way to die. What the hell, go on ahead in buddy."

A few seconds pass and another guy comes to the gates. St. Peter gives him the whole talk and tells him to tell him his story.

The guy begins, "I live on the 5th floor of a condo and I was on my balcony practicing yoga when all of a sudden I lost my balance and fell. Luckily, I caught the 4th floor's balcony. I am hanging there for my dear life and screaming for help. Out of nowhere, this guy comes out swearing and starts stomping on my fingers for no reason. I obviously lose my grip and fall down. I fell into some bushes and survived. I was struggling to get up and when I opened my eyes I see a refrigerator come at me. Now I am up here."

St. Peter decides "That's a pretty bad death, go on in buddy."

A few seconds later another guy comes up and St. Peter gives him the talk and tells him to tell his story.

The guy begins, "I was hiding in a refrigerator when..."

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By *antelloMan over a year ago

Glasgow

A bloke is out for a drive in the country with his Mrs , when he hits a badger , he gets out the car and seeing the badger is injured, picks it up and decides to take it to a vet , when back in the car he hands it to his Mrs and tells her to stick between her legs to keep it warm , but it's all wet and smelly , she complains , I know ,he replies just hold to poor we things nose !

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's brown and sticky? A stick!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Two pensioners sitting having tea one Morning when one askes, did you come on the bus the day Margret? Aye she said but i managed to make it look like an asthma attack ??

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By *ittle DancerWoman over a year ago

Leslie, Glenrothes

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

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