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Just some wee jokes to cheer everyone up
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I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your f*cking will power'
Top tip; if your camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex........... Wish me luck, I appear in court next Monday.
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean what I thought it did
Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, Murphy meets him & says ' if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one? Paddy said ' if you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them!! '................Murphy says 'Four!'
Snow hell! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself ' she'll be lucky with a face like that!'
I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?' |
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By *empnbunkCouple
over a year ago
south coast |
I tried that thing today at the petrol station where you try and stop the pump bang on what you want to pay, but let it go a fraction too late and it stopped on £20.03.
"Bollocks!" I shouted and walked into the shop to pay.
"Unlucky, mate," smiled the attendant, who'd seen what I'd done. "Don't worry about the extra."
"Cheers, mate," I said as I handed him my tenner and fucked off.   |
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Bedroom golf...Hereare the rules of the game.
1. Each player should furnish his own equipment for play - Men - one club and two balls.
2. Play on the course should be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete.. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole. 13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine..
14. Slow play is encouraged. However players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily at the course owners request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
16. Should the course be closed for repairs and maintenance (normally once a month) The player can take the time and do some maintenance on his club by cleaning the shaft. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A worried Priest goes to the Doctor with a small white hard lump on his penis,Doctor gets a pair of tweezers and picks off the lump,examines it,turns to anxious Priest and says "Nothing to worry about,it's only a milk tooth" |
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I'm so chuffed, my wife has just agreed to anal sex tonight!!
By the way, what's a "strap on" ??
In search of a midnight snack, a suburbanite could find
nothing but a dog biscuit. He bit into it tentatively,
liked it, and the next morning asked his wife to put in a
large supply.
The local grocer observed. "You don't need so many
biscuits for a dog as small as yours."
"They're for my busband."
"These biscuits are strictly for dogs," grumbled the
grocer. "They'll kill your husband!"
Six months later, the wife admitted her husband was dead.
"I told you those biscuits would kill him," the grocer
reminded her.
"It wasn't the biscuits," said the woman. "He was killed
when I backed over him with the pick-up, while he was
sitting on the driveway behind it, licking his balls."
I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird. I thought to myself " please don't get an errection, please don't get an errection" but then she did.
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