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By *976scott OP Man
over a year ago
North Lanarkshire |
My neighbour said to me today:
"Dave, how come you have so many cars?"
"Well," I said "The wife and I have been doing a bit of swinging recently"
"Oh right" he said sheepishly "Do a lot of them stay over then?"
"No" I said "It's just that every time she pulls a set of keys out the hat, the owner fucks off!!!!!  |
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By *976scott OP Man
over a year ago
North Lanarkshire |
Come on own up! Someone got Tam Cowans Joke book for Christmas!!!
Man from East end goes to the Doctor
"My heroin habit is ruining my life," I said to my drugs counsellor. "I started off burgling houses to get the money, then I had to pimp out my wife and daughters, and now I'm sucking guys off in the park for a fiver."
"Let me make a call," he said, "and see if I can get you on a programme."
"methadone?" I asked.
"No, Jeremy Kyle."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I was on an aeroplane recently and the captain came on giving his speech "we're currently flying at an altitude of 35000 ft and a speed of 500 mph, we will be landing in approximately 2 hours" however he forgot to turn the microphone off and he said to his Co pilot "I could use a blowjob and a coffee right now " at that moment an air hostess goes running down the aisle towards the cockpit so I shouted to her "don't forget the coffee! "  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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wee boy arrives 10 minutes late for class teachers says young man were you been her replays up maryhill teach says ok going sit down 5 minutes later a second las appears teacher ask's again were have you been young lad replays up maryhill teacher says ok sit down a few minutes later a young lass walk in and the teacher says let me guess you have been up maryhill to the young lass response no miss i am mary hill |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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3 mates sit down with a pint and 3 flies indavidualy land in each one of there pints..
Englishman ! Arghh new Pinot here barchap there's a fly in it
Irishman ! Same prob with a fly but he gets a napkin and carefully picks it out and drops out of the window 
Scotsman ! And again prob with fly, he carefully lifts out the fly by its wings holds it over his pint a says "
Spit it ooooot ya we bastard!!!!   |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"3 mates sit down with a pint and 3 flies indavidualy land in each one of there pints..
Englishman ! Arghh new Pinot here barchap there's a fly in it
Irishman ! Same prob with a fly but he gets a napkin and carefully picks it out and drops out of the window
Scotsman ! And again prob with fly, he carefully lifts out the fly by its wings holds it over his pint a says "
Spit it ooooot ya we bastard!!!! "
   winner then x |
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