A cat & an ostrich walk into a bar, the cat orders a drink & downs it in one. The ostrich says do I not get one, the cat says fuck off by your own. The ostrich says im skint & the cat laughs & says to bad. The cat buys a few more for himself then they both leave. The barman turns to a guy at the bar & asks wot was that all about? The guy says I think that was my fault, I found an old lamp outside & when I rubbed it a genie appeared & said I could have 1 wish, so I wished for a bird with long legs & a tight pussy.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What did the Mexican firefighter name his two sons?

José and Hose B

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By *oom For 1 MoreMan over a year ago

Ayrshire

"A cat & an ostrich walk into a bar, the cat orders a drink & downs it in one. The ostrich says do I not get one, the cat says fuck off by your own. The ostrich says im skint & the cat laughs & says to bad. The cat buys a few more for himself then they both leave. The barman turns to a guy at the bar & asks wot was that all about? The guy says I think that was my fault, I found an old lamp outside & when I rubbed it a genie appeared & said I could have 1 wish, so I wished for a bird with long legs & a tight pussy.

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By *oom For 1 MoreMan over a year ago

Ayrshire

How do you get yer own back on lady GaGa?

Poker face

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My mates addicted to brake fluid.

Says he can stop any time though

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Wife is getting ready in the morning while looking in the mirror she saids too here husband

Say something nice too me I'm depressed my arse is too big and my tits are sagging !

The husband pauses for thought and says

Well darling at least your eyes are spot on !!!!

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By *oom For 1 MoreMan over a year ago

Ayrshire

[Removed by poster at 03/05/14 22:18:43]

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"How do you get yer own back on lady GaGa?

Poker face

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Whats the best thing about switzerland ?

Dont know , but their flag is a huge plus

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Got myself a wee black Labrador puppy and was struggling to find a name for her. So I asked my big pal, he says why no call her Snow White. I said "but she's black" and he replies "exactly.... She's no white !"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Was out walking my wee dug and threw a stick but just as I did a gust of wind caught it and carried it down a gully into some woods about a mile away. The wee dug scampered after it into the woods, thought she was lost for a while till it returned an hour later with the stick.

How far fetched was that ?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What happened to the midget that ran through the woman's legs ??

He got a clit around the ear and a flap in the face !!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why cant you hear a pterodactyl go to the loo ?

Cause the p is silent

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Was shocked and stunned to find that my girlfriend had decided to leave me cause of my obsession with the monkees ........ Then I saw her face.....

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I used to date a cross eyed girl but we eventually split up .... I reckon she was seeing someone else

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My big pals son lost his job in the local chip shop. So my big pal went down to find out why .... Owner says" i found him with the potato peeler up his backside ! " my big pal asked " can I see this potato peeler ? "

The owner replied "naw I sacked him as well ! "

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

errr...Alex Salmond and Nicola Sturgeon!

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By *oom For 1 MoreMan over a year ago

Ayrshire

"What happened to the midget that ran through the woman's legs ??

He got a clit around the ear and a flap in the face !!!

Pmsl

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Girls love a bit of romance. Before she goes to bed I lay a dozen roses on the duvet.............. She adores the ones with the caramel centre.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Man walks into a choropodists.

Lady asks "how she can help"?

He says "it's a sensitive matter" & starts unzipping his trousers.

The shocked lady says " you do realise we specialise in feet?"

The man says "give it a minute & it I'll be a foot"

"
brilliant

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"errr...Alex Salmond and Nicola Sturgeon!"
hahaha

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Man walks into a choropodists.

Lady asks "how she can help"?

He says "it's a sensitive matter" & starts unzipping his trousers.

The shocked lady says " you do realise we specialise in feet?"

The man says "give it a minute & it I'll be a foot"

brilliant "
lmao

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By *ikerbob1957Man over a year ago

Glasgow

"errr...Alex Salmond and Nicola Sturgeon!"

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By *rbadguy64Couple over a year ago

bangor

I bought one of those watches that tell you how far you've walked. It says I did 1500 miles last night.

Must be broken. I was in bed watching porn.

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By *for funCouple over a year ago

Dunfermline

What do you call 3 sheep tied to a tree in aberdeen after 10pm?

Full!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"What do you call 3 sheep tied to a tree in aberdeen after 10pm?

Full!"

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By *tworksMan over a year ago

South Lanarkshire

A penguin walks intae the pub and asks fer a pint. The barman serves him and walks away. 5 mins later the barman comes back, sees the penguin still wie the pint in front of it. Barman asks the penguin everything ok ?? can ah help yeh ?? The penguin says "ahm lookin fer mah brother" the barman says .... "whit does he look like?"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How do you make a cat go woof?

Set it on fire

Geek

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By *ighlander34 OP Man over a year ago

skye

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By *riendly foeWoman over a year ago

In a crisp poke on the A814

"What do you call 3 sheep tied to a tree in aberdeen after 10pm?

Late night dogging meet???

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"What do you call 3 sheep tied to a tree in aberdeen after 10pm?

Late night dogging meet???

"
how would you know about dogging,thought you were all sweetness and light?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"What do you call 3 sheep tied to a tree in Aberdeenshire ?"

A Harem

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By *riendly foeWoman over a year ago

In a crisp poke on the A814

"What do you call 3 sheep tied to a tree in aberdeen after 10pm?

Late night dogging meet???

how would you know about dogging,thought you were all sweetness and light?

I was an expert at it in school

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By *rs Robinson no 1Woman over a year ago

Glasgow

"What do you call 3 sheep tied to a tree in Aberdeenshire ?

A Harem

nervous?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"What do you call 3 sheep tied to a tree in Aberdeenshire ?

A Harem

"
talking of a harem,any ladies want to join mine?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"What do you call 3 sheep tied to a tree in Aberdeenshire ?

A Harem

nervous?"

Are you? Can't imagine why

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How do you get Pikachu on a bus?

Pokemon..

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By *assmanMan over a year ago

dundee

Police caught two young lads in the part at 11pm, one had been drinking battery acid and the other had been eating a firework.........

they charged the first one and let the other one off

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I want sex on the periodic table i just don't think the chemistry would be there

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A man walks into a drug-store with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom-display, and the boy asks him, "Dad, what are these for ?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes Dad, I heard about them in health-class at school."

He looks over the display, and picks up a package containing 3 of them.

He asks, "Dad, why does this package contain 3 ?"

The Dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys . . . ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."

"Cool " says the boy. He notices a 6-pack, and again asks, "Then who are these for Dad ?"

"Those are for college-men," the Dad answers . . . TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW! " exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these one's ?" he asks . . . picking up a large 12-pack.

With a deep sigh, and a tear in his eye, the Dad replies, "Those are for married men son . . . . . . . . . .

"ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March ! "

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