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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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OBJECTIVE
To disengage said bra without looking like an idiot.
WHAT YOU NEED
1) Girl with bra
2) Two functional hands
3) Common Sense
TECHNIQUES
1) THE HOUDINI HUG -- Using sleight-of-hand, place arms around girl and unhook bra. Try to refrain from saying, "Ta-da!"
2) MCGYVER'S OFF-THE-SHOULDER SLIDE -- An alternative method to use after ten minutes of unsuccessful hugging.
3) HILTON'S LAST RESORT -- Beg like a dog and learn to absorb the harsh sound of wicked laughter.
DO NOT USE: scissors, blowtorch, pliers, wire strippers, cutlery, Black Magic, staple remover, chainsaw, brute strength, CB4, set of lock picks, or chisel and hammer.
WARNING: When removing a bra you should not say the following:
1) "I really want to thank you for this."
2) "Dammit! I thought they were bigger."
3) "Do you have any cereal?
 bigg |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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A man goes into an empty bar and orders a beer, and as he's walking around he sees a table about 6' x 4' with some lines marked 6"-10" from one edge.
Next to each line there are initials. So the man says to the bartender "What are all those marks on that table?"
"It's a game the locals play, they pull out their dicks, stretch them a far as they can and mark a line."
This man is hung like a horse and reckons he can beat all the lines he's seen and asks if he can have a go, "sure" came the reply.
As he pulled out his dick it's a clear winner by about 3". He starts to mark his line down when the bartender said: "No mate, the locals start from the other side"
bigg |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Dirty Johnny and his friends were enrolled in sex education. During the lecture, the teacher kept referring to a "penis". It was "penis" this and "penis" that. The class behaved as if it understood.
Immediately following class, all the students gathered around Dirty Johnny. "Johnny, what's a penis?" Nobody had a clue. Dirty Johnny said he would ask his Dad when he got home.
When Dirty Johnny got home, his Dad was there. "Dad, what's a 'penis'?" His father unzips his pants, shows Johnny his dick and says, "This is a perfect penis." Johnny replied, "Thanks, Dad. I'll tell my friends tomorrow in school."
The next day, all the students gathered around. "What did your Dad say, Dirty Johnny?" Johnny promptly unzips his pants and shows all his classmates his dick. "This is a penis. And if it were two inches shorter, it would be the perfect penis!"
bigg |
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My budgie broke his leg today, so i made him a wee splint with 2 swan vesta matches. Aww, his little face lit up! Mind u so did the rest of him coz i forgot i lined his cage floor with fecking sandpaper  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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when beckham scores i drink becks...when scholes scores i drink skol....when tommy milliar scores i drink miller....thank god david seamans is a goal keeper |
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hile being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?'
'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says.
'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?'
'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies. |
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A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street.
When he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' he replies.
'Aye, same as masel.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A 75yr old woman, decides to have cosmetic surgery.
she asks the Surgeon,,i hear there are 3 different types can you explain,Surgeon replys, certainly
option 1 ...costs £100 ..and we just make minor adjustments
option 2....costs £500...and we take you in make some adjustments,lift your cheeks up fix your eyes and lips
option 3 ..the GOLD package we take you in and give you the full works lify your breasts face lips and give you the perfect body ..we would also fit a SCREW at the back of your head,if anything had too collapse at a later date we can make slight adjustments easily with the SCREW....this would set you back £50k
Excellent ahll have the GOLD one ...
3 weeks later the 75yr old is fuming bursts into the surgery demanding her money back ..look at the state of me everything has collapsed and look at these bags under my eyes .
Surgeon replys ...Listen,those bags under your eyes are your tits and if ye dont stop fookin about with that SCREW at the back of your head ,yur gonna huv a moustache anaw
Buboo ...lol |
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Mike and Jim were a couple of drinking pals who worked
as aircraft mechanics at Glasgow Airport . One day the airport was fogged
in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Mike said, "Jeez, I wish we had something to drink!".
Jim says, "Me as weel. Y'know, I've heard ye can drink jet fuel
and get a buzz. Ye wannae try it?
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high-octane
hootch and get completely smashed.
The next morning Mike wakes up and is surprised at how good he
feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.
Nothing! Then the phone rings...It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this mornin'?"
Mike says, "Brilliant! Whit aboot yerself?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. Do ye have a sair heid?"
Mike says, "Naw, that jet fuel is great stuff - nae hangover,
nothin'. We need tae drink this stuff insteed o' Smirnoff."
"Aye! But there's just one thing..."
"What's that?".
"Have you farted yet?"
"Naw..."
"Well, DINNAE, 'cause I'm in Dusseldorf |
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Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were an English guy, a Scottish bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.
The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the English guy has a bright red, hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.
The old lady thinks:
The English guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.
The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That English guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.
The English guy thinks:
That Scottish bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark - she tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
And the Scottish guy thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack that English b*****d again..... |
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I have a dog & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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a gay man sits next to a wee ned fae paisley in a bar,
the gay takes a shine 2 him and tries his luck and asks him if he wants a blow job?
the wee ned knocks him clean out!
the barman ask's what did he say?
the wee ned replies fuck knows something about a job. |
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lol