A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided,
..... the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
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A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well........ Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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THE VET BILL
A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too."
The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "£500"
"£500 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you £100 for my initial diagnosis. The additional £400 is for the cat scan and lab tests."  |
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Dads setting the dinner table wi wee jimmy and Morag ..... whats fur tea ? asks wee jimmy .... Venison , says faither .... where does venison come fi ? .... asks the wee felly .... well , says da .... ye ken what yer mother caws me ? .... suddenly , wee morag jumps up ..... 'dinny eat it Jimmy '... she yells ..... 'its a Bawbag !! ......  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man." Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken." "No," said the little girl. "She comes withAction Man, she fakes it with Ken." |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I had a flat a few years back and owned a black labrador. I walked it mornings and nights but when I left it and went to work it did bark quite a bit. The guy upstairs came down 1 night and complained to me about its barking so I said I would try to keep it quiet.
A week later a knock came to the door and there stood 2 coppers so I said I know that your here about my dog barking but they said no it was that they had a report about a black lab chasing a guy on a motor bike so I just turned to them and said it wasn't my dog ...he doesn't have a motor bike |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our blonde friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested she notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A man received the following text from his neighbour:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Did all these bad jokes help Dita??
Or did you beg the nurse for some pills!!
 "
They actually made me laugh likeyboard a hyena but I've been let out thank God I didn't bump into nurse ratshit stayed up all night panicking
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Did all these bad jokes help Dita??
Or did you beg the nurse for some pills!!
They actually made me laugh likeyboard a hyena but I've been let out thank God I didn't bump into nurse ratshit stayed up all night panicking
"
Like ffs |
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( cringe )
