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FALSE WIDOW SPIDER EATS PET DOG OUTSIDE LOCAL SHOP SCOTLAND
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By *exyducks OP Couple
over a year ago
west coast |
A Bonhill mother of 15 has spoke of her horror as she discovered her beloved pooch was mauled by a False Widow spider outside her local newsagent.
Betty "Big Tits" McLaren fought back tears as she re-lived the moments she left the Ladyton shop in Bonhill to find 'hashleaf', a German Shepherd/Labrador/Spaniel/Jack Russell/Poodle cross breed, reduced to a bag of fur and bones still tied to a CCTV post. "Aye a wis jist in fur ma messages, a few bits n boabs fur eh weans dinner, coupla tins a Chappie when a heard wee Hashleaf screamin".
Betty was in so much shock, witnesses claim she dropped her walking stick and rugby tackled the main glass door off the hinges to try and rescue the hybrid pooch. "So av went heed first through eh bastard'n door and a see wee Hashy on eez back and this big ugly hairy bastard wae a skull and 8 legs on tap a him suckin eez brains oot through eez nose". "A shouted", "Hawl ya fuckin 8 legged creepy crawly freak bastart GET AFF MA DUG NOO" But it was too late for poor Hashleaf, who at this point, was already deceased.
At this point Betty was said to be hysterical as she launched jumbo tins of Chappie at the killer spider, to no avail. The False Widow was said to just pick up the tins and swallow them whole before scuttling away laughing, leaving inconsolable Betty cuddling her pets carcass.
The deadly spider was last seen in the Pappert area of Bonhill, said to be trying to break in to a Transit van.
Strathclyde Police and Spider experts are warning Bonhill residents to be extra vigilant as the hunt for the False Widow continues in to the night. Chief Constable Smith has warned anybody against approaching the killer spider and to phone 999 immediately if sighted. Also as a secondary precaution, local residents are advised to get rid of any tins of Chappie dog meat that may be in their homes, specifically steak and kidney flavour.
Betty "Big Tits" McLaren was said to be grieving last night. Our reporter spoke with her briefly to ask her if she would help in organising a funeral for her pet dog to which she replied through intense sobbing "The dug? F**k eh dug am oor that noo...but they Bastards at the social huv stopped ma f**king benefits noo coz some Bastard grassed me up for running withoot using ma stick"
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By *exyducks OP Couple
over a year ago
west coast |
Robot that detects when you're telling Lies
Lie Detecting Robot
Dad buys a Lie Detecting Robot which slaps people when they lie, and decides to try it out at dinner,
Dad to Son where were you today,
At school dad, Robot slaps kid,
OK I watched a DVD at my mates,
What movie did you watch, Toy story Robot slaps kid again,
OK it was a porno,
What!!! when I was your age I didn't know what porn was, Robot slaps dad,
Mother laughs, He;s certainly your son Ha Ha Ha,
Robot slaps mother |
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