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Favourite joke

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By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago

What's your favourite joke?

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

How many male chauvanist pigs does it take to clean a shithouse?

None its womens work

I shall now sit back and await the backlash

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By *he Enigmatic MagnetMan  over a year ago

Glasgow West

Mine is: Did you hear about the single male who got a meet on Fab....?

(There is no punchline, just the thought of it is funny!)

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By *riendly foeWoman  over a year ago

In a crisp poke on the A814

Man goes to his appointment with urologist. Says to doctor "Dont laugh"!!

"Of course I wont laugh" says doctor.

Man drops his trousers and reveals the tinniest cock the doctor has ever seen, about the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor began to giggle, then fell to floor laughing hysterically..

10 mins later, he struggled to his feet and regained his composure. "I am so sorry" says doctor..."What seems to be the problem"?

"Its swollen" the man replies....

** Del and I say "its swollen" alot ....all due to this joke! So will be my favourite for a while yet

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By *homCrownMan  over a year ago

West Fife

Aladdin finds magic lamp and cleans it up...

POOF!... Genie appears and grants him one wish.

Aladdin thinks for a moment and not having had any for a while says, "I wish for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy"...

SHAZZAM!

An ostrich and cat appear.

Astonished, Aladdin looks at them both at which the cat says, "Don't expect me to buy the drinks, the bird always pays!"

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

A young girl goes to the doctor complaining of a "funny feeling" in her tummy.

The doctor examines her and says "congratulations my dear,your pregnant".

"But i cant be"she exclaims,"ive never had a boyfriend and ive never had sex".

At which point the doctor goes into hos desk,pulls out a pair of binoculars and looks out of the window.

"What the hell are you doing?"she asks.

The doctor replies"the last time this happened,3 wise men came from the east im not going to miss them this time".

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

How do you describe your worst blow job ever?

FUKIN MARVELOUS!

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By *ensuallityMan  over a year ago

Perth

policeman calls at a house and 12yr old guy answers door with joint in one hand and tin of beer in the other.

Policemen asks "is your Mum & Dad in ?"

Young lad replies "does it f**kin look like it ? "

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By *ensuallityMan  over a year ago

Perth

woman knocks at a neighbours door to complain "your son Johnny has been playing Doctors & Nurses with my wee Susie and I'm not happy about it !!!"

Woman replies " oh come on the're only 8 , they're just having fun !!

" Fun !!!" she retorts, " he's taken her f**kin appendix out !!!"

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

85 year old guy goes to doctors and greets the snotty receptionist you know the matron nosey parker type.

"I want to see a doctor"

"what's the problem?"

"my water works having trouble with my willy"

Shocked she rebukes him in front of the waiting room

"You can't come in here saying rude things like that, if it's private make something up when asked now try again"

So he shuffles off and returns five minutes later

"I want to see a doctor"

"what's the problem?"

"My ears"

"what's wrong with your ears?"

"I can't piss through them!!!!"

The waiting room erupted

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By *aveandSue1Couple  over a year ago

Doncaster

Woman's giving birth.

Babys head comes out and it's yellow.

" Oh no" says the woman, "that's the guy from the Chinese, my husband will kill me" Her and hubby being white.

Babys body appears and it's white. "Phew, that should keep him quiet, might get away with it"

Babys born and the legs are black.

"Oh shit, the guy next door"

Midwife picks the baby up and slaps its bum. Baby starts to cry.

"Well thank Christ for that" she says, "for a minute I was afraid it might bark"

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By *aveandSue1Couple  over a year ago

Doncaster

The Three Blondes

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Oceanside Police Force.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So you all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth." So saying that, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did, he has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes, He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time but ----" He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and said, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"

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By *he Enigmatic MagnetMan  over a year ago

Glasgow West

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a pretty young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger.

As she gasped and gagged, one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm agonna go over there and help."

He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?"

Gasping, she shook her head no.

He asked, "Kin ya breathe?"

Still gasping, she shook her head no.

With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her arse.

The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.

The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick manoeuvre always works."

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By *he Enigmatic MagnetMan  over a year ago

Glasgow West

Having been married a long time, a husband sometimes needs a gentle reminder of a special occasion. On the morning of their 35th anniversary, a couple were sitting at the breakfast table when the wife hinted, "Honey, do you realize that we've been sitting in these same two seats for exactly 35 years?"

Putting down the newspaper, her husband looked straight at her and said, "So, you want to switch seats?"

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Teacher walks into the classroom to find the word "penis" written on the blackboard,quickly she turns round but cannot see any guilty faces,so she quickly rubs it off with a duster.

The following day the same thing happens but the letters are a bit bigger,and as before cannot find the culprit and rubs it off again.

This carries on till friday with the letters getting bigger each day, and by this time the teacher is furious.

She comes in on monday morning,looks at the blackboard to find someone had written"didnt you know the more you rub it the bigger it gets"

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

went on a once in a lifetime cruse NEVER AGAIN

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

two fish in a tank, one says to the other " i dont know what im doing here, i cant drive a fucking tank"

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By *riendly foeWoman  over a year ago

In a crisp poke on the A814

Went on a ballooning holiday....

Put on 4 stone....

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By *aintmikeMan  over a year ago

glasgow


"Man goes to his appointment with urologist. Says to doctor "Dont laugh"!!

"Of course I wont laugh" says doctor.

Man drops his trousers and reveals the tinniest cock the doctor has ever seen, about the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor began to giggle, then fell to floor laughing hysterically..

10 mins later, he struggled to his feet and regained his composure. "I am so sorry" says doctor..."What seems to be the problem"?

"Its swollen" the man replies....

** Del and I say "its swollen" alot ....all due to this joke! So will be my favourite for a while yet "

So funny,,,,i can hardly write this with Ha Ha Ha,,,, ,,,,,,

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Three dogs talking in a vets about why they were in there. One says "I'm a biter I bit the postman, milkman, neighbour, a saleman, and the other day my owner"

So what they doing to sort it says the other "oh they castrating me to calm me down"

"I'm here because I'm a pisser I piss in every room, every bed, the Christmas presents and finally the washing basket and car. so like you they castrating me to calm me down"

so the third dog says "well i'm a shagger, I shagged the postie, the milkman, the Avon lady, every cushion in the house and the other day the mistress was bent over looking in the fridge, well I could not resist and gave it to her big style"

The others reply so castration for you then to calm you down and he replies "Nah getting my nails clipped"

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By *nna_tonyCouple  over a year ago

glasgow

Old man takes his wife to the doctors and describes her symptoms. The doctor sits deep in thought for a few minutes before telling him 'I can't make up my mind from those symptoms - could be AIDS or could be Alzheimers'. The ols man looks devastated at the news ' but doctor, how are we going to find out which one it is?'. Well, says the doctor, take her out into the middle of the woods and leave her there. If she finds her way home, don't shag her.

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By *icked weaselCouple  over a year ago

Near Edinburgh..


"Went on a ballooning holiday....

Put on 4 stone...."

I Know.. who Invented - ALL-Inclusive ?? Bastards...

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Did you know I was the teachers pet at school ?

She kept me in a cage at the back of class

Lol

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By *he Enigmatic MagnetMan  over a year ago

Glasgow West

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

My dog Minton just ate a shuttlecock.

Bad Minton!

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

At first I used to feel like a man trapped in a woman's body, after I was born that feeling went away.

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