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Jokes for those of a certain age...
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An old couple prepares to go to sleep, the man gets in bed, but the woman lies down on the floor.
The old man asks, "Why are you on the floor?"
The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."
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PARTY GAMES FOR THE OVER 60's
-- Sag! You're It!
-- Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
-- 20 Questions Shouted in Your Good Ear
-- Kick the Bucket
-- Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
-- Doc, Doc, Nurse
-- Simon Says Something Incoherent
-- Musical Recliners
-- Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
-- Hide and Go Pee
-- Bobbing for Dentures
-- Telling Ghost Stories in the Oxygen Tent
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A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home. The nurses bathe her and set her in a chair at a window.
After a while, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up. Again, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put her upright. This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," the old woman replies. "Except they won't let you fart." |
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An old man finds a condom in his grandson's apartment and asks what it is.
"It's a condom," replies the grandson, sheepishly.
"What do you use it for?" asks Grandpa.
The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."
Grandpa says, "That's a great idea." He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a condom.
"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.
"Big enough to fit a Camel." |
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An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam.
I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!" |
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Dead Again
A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A 7 year old is in Boots the chemist with his dad and is standing looking at packets of condoms. He asks what they are so his dad explains. He then asks why is there only 1 in the packet to which his dad says its for a boy to use at the weekend. When he sees another pack with 3 in it he asks again to which his dad replies that they are for big boys, 1 for Friday, 1 for Saturday and 1 for Sunday. When he spies a pack of 12 he asks his dad again why there are 12 in the pack and his dad says they are for married men...... 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for ......... |
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"A 7 year old is in Boots the chemist with his dad and is standing looking at packets of condoms. He asks what they are so his dad explains. He then asks why is there only 1 in the packet to which his dad says its for a boy to use at the weekend. When he sees another pack with 3 in it he asks again to which his dad replies that they are for big boys, 1 for Friday, 1 for Saturday and 1 for Sunday. When he spies a pack of 12 he asks his dad again why there are 12 in the pack and his dad says they are for married men...... 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for ........."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Lol. Ffs they really wait to come out with their funny threads. Whatever happened to the ones about wolves & clubs & all that sh1*e? Lol.
Good to see humour always wins. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam.
I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?
The hat didn't need ironed then?
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!" "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled 'LSD'?"
His granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled 'LSD'?"
His granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!""
 mao. Yes. |
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