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A wee laugh...

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By *rStarbuck OP   Man  over a year ago

Edinburgh

WTF??? HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

_________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral...

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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By *ezebelWoman  over a year ago

North of The Wall - youll need your vest

That made me laugh

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Seen this before.... still cracks me up

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By *illow PimpMan  over a year ago

Midlothian

lol @ i just lie there

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Thanks for sharing these with us, loved reading them

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By *akedninjaMan  over a year ago

edinburgh

Lol

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By *rStarbuck OP   Man  over a year ago

Edinburgh

The oral one cracks me up lol

L x

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

At last now thats wot am talking aboot funny. Happy make peeps. Smile thread

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By *rStarbuck OP   Man  over a year ago

Edinburgh

glad you like

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Lol

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Great stuff nearly had a wee accident in my pants...

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By *uncouple981Couple  over a year ago

ayrshire

Really funny. It's hard to believe people can be so stupid.

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By *rStarbuck OP   Man  over a year ago

Edinburgh


"Really funny. It's hard to believe people can be so stupid. "

Ive had some obscenely stupid comments escaping from my own mouth. Cases of speaking before thinking lol not always funny either

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By *uncouple981Couple  over a year ago

ayrshire


"Really funny. It's hard to believe people can be so stupid.

Ive had some obscenely stupid comments escaping from my own mouth. Cases of speaking before thinking lol not always funny either "

I'm a good one for putting my foot in my mouth and then end up feeling terrible that I have hurt someone's feelings. Not good.

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By *rStarbuck OP   Man  over a year ago

Edinburgh


"

I'm a good one for putting my foot in my mouth and then end up feeling terrible that I have hurt someone's feelings. Not good. "

Lol same!

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

FUNNNNNY

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"At last now thats wot am talking aboot funny. Happy make peeps. Smile thread "

Is BruBru an Attorney? Pmsl.

That made me laugh so much my sides are hurting. You are a star, Star!

Good one.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"The oral one cracks me up lol

L x "

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By *nkySwitchTV/TS  over a year ago

Stirling

Lol...This has made my shift at work a bit more bearable!!

Thanks for the giggles Star...might steal for fb

XxX

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By *eeflower69Woman  over a year ago

edinburgh

Lol

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

This made me laugh...makes me think what stupid things I've said or people have said to me Haha

My favourite was my mum phoned me at my house on the landline. I answered she says "it's your mum are you in??" Haha well obviously I answered the phone...I know where I get it from!

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By *andsCouple  over a year ago

Edin

hahahahahah !!!

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By *rStarbuck OP   Man  over a year ago

Edinburgh


"This made me laugh...makes me think what stupid things I've said or people have said to me Haha

My favourite was my mum phoned me at my house on the landline. I answered she says "it's your mum are you in??" Haha well obviously I answered the phone...I know where I get it from!"

Ive had people do that to me too haha I usually answer 'no' and wait for them to work it out. Sometimes takes a while and I just cant help laughing at them lol

L x

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"This made me laugh...makes me think what stupid things I've said or people have said to me Haha

My favourite was my mum phoned me at my house on the landline. I answered she says "it's your mum are you in??" Haha well obviously I answered the phone...I know where I get it from!

Ive had people do that to me too haha I usually answer 'no' and wait for them to work it out. Sometimes takes a while and I just cant help laughing at them lol

L x"

Haha her answer phone message is even better she says it like she actually lives in her phone Haha. I done one lastnight. Out shopping with a friend and he was looking fora shirt so I'm sifting through shirts looking for his size and the packet said long sleeves so I said " do you have long arms as this says long sleeves" yes I know epic blonde moment! Haha x

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By *eeflower69Woman  over a year ago

edinburgh


"This made me laugh...makes me think what stupid things I've said or people have said to me Haha

My favourite was my mum phoned me at my house on the landline. I answered she says "it's your mum are you in??" Haha well obviously I answered the phone...I know where I get it from!

Ive had people do that to me too haha I usually answer 'no' and wait for them to work it out. Sometimes takes a while and I just cant help laughing at them lol

L x

Haha her answer phone message is even better she says it like she actually lives in her phone Haha. I done one lastnight. Out shopping with a friend and he was looking fora shirt so I'm sifting through shirts looking for his size and the packet said long sleeves so I said " do you have long arms as this says long sleeves" yes I know epic blonde moment! Haha x"

Lol

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By *rStarbuck OP   Man  over a year ago

Edinburgh

Brilliant lol

L x

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"Brilliant lol

L x"

Took a few minutes for me too click lol in my defence I was tired lol x

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