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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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It was a cold midwinter's day when the snowflakes were hissing down like goose feathers from a ripped duvet. Fugy, son of Fugy, a very short, out-of-work gnome, who moonlighted as an optician..was shaving his short, pudgy, hairy legs, when he cut his finger.
"Bugger!" He exclaimed. "I knew it was a mistake to shave when it was minus ten outside. The ice on my pond should have told me something"
It was about that same time that he discovered that the hairy Ukranian plumber who'd come to clean out his pipes wasn't a man after all, but an Ex shotputter who had been pumped full of steroids during the Communist era.... Fugy had never been taken in the shower before...well...not by a woman anyway.
A year passed, and Fugy's family still hadn't twigged that an ugly, short, bald tosser with rosy red cheeks and a penchant for red velvet pantaloons could possibly be telling the truth when he told his story about the day the plumber came a calling. No one believed the cries of "I'm straight I tell ye...I'm Straight!!!!"
One day Fugy went for a walk in the forest to pick some of his favourite magic mushrooms to give him as a lift. He had been working so hard lately, fishing down at the garden pond.
He got dressed in his favourite red velvet pantaloons, yellow gingham shirt, green waistcoat and red pointy hat.
It was not long before poor little Gnome was all alone in the great forest. Well, apart from his pretty pink, vibrating plastic rabbit that he had slipeed out of his bedside cabinet, but that's not important right now.
Stopping only to rinse out his mouth in a little stream, he realised that the night was beginning to creep in...He thought he saw something in the bushes and began to run.
He ran over discarded condoms and through soiled underwear without any of the loathsome germs they harboured harming him. He was not going to stop although he did bump into a hunky, bald, tattooed lumberjack and gave him a quick hand job.
He ran as fast and for as long as his short little legs would carry him, which, in reality was not a very long time at all.
Then, just before nightfall, he saw a dilapidated little house in a clearing. He went inside so that he could have a rest.
Inside the house everything was tiny, and rather squalid. A bit like his own little maisonette. A rickety table was spread with a cloth that might once have been white but now looked like his stepmother's knickers. On the table there were seven filthy little plates, each with a cheap, plastic knife, fork, spoon and mug that had clearly not seen the inside of a dishwasher for some time.
"Eeww," he exclaimed, wrinkling his pudgy nose, "This place is filthy!"
But he was so tired, thirsty and hungry (not to mention rather sticky after his run in with the lumberjack) that he decided to stay.
Over against the wall there were seven little beds all in a row, covered with grubby sheets crisped by nasty looking stains in all the same places.
As he didn't want to eat up anyone's entire meal, he nibbled a bit of green furry pizza from each plate and took a sip of beer from each mug. Then he had a shower, being careful to scrape the pubic hair off the soap before he used it, and tried not to notice the seven tiny pairs of soiled underpants in a heap on the floor. He knew that thinking about them would only make him want to sniff them all.
After the shower he was so tired that he lay down on one of the beds, taking care to avoid the suspicious looking stains and was soon fast asleep.......
Tune in for Part 2....coming soon to a forum near you
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oi fugy i always had this weird dream where i wanted to pump someone wearing a pointy red hat wheres that shack????? 
