FabSwingers.com > Forums > Scotland > I can’t cum, it doesn’t work for me
I can’t cum, it doesn’t work for me
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I’ve had some really interesting chats recently with some vanilla female friends and a couple of fab friends regarding some women being unable to cum when being sexual with others.
I had an ex that was like that, once we got closer and to know each other better she was actually a heavy gusher and was extremely embarrassed by it. This seemed to create a mental block when being sexually active, another friend sadly has low self confidence in her body and this could quite well be a similar cause of her not being able to climax in the company of others. I, ofcourse, could be wrong though
What are all of your experiences and thoughts? Have any of the fems perhaps went through a phase like this and managed to find a solution….or could it literally be as simple as us men being fucking useless?  |
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"I’ve had some really interesting chats recently with some vanilla female friends and a couple of fab friends regarding some women being unable to cum when being sexual with others.
I had an ex that was like that, once we got closer and to know each other better she was actually a heavy gusher and was extremely embarrassed by it. This seemed to create a mental block when being sexually active, another friend sadly has low self confidence in her body and this could quite well be a similar cause of her not being able to climax in the company of others. I, ofcourse, could be wrong though
What are all of your experiences and thoughts? Have any of the fems perhaps went through a phase like this and managed to find a solution….or could it literally be as simple as us men being fucking useless? "
It’s totally bizarre how the mind can stop the body functioning the way the person wishes . If only we weren’t all subject to stereotypical comparisons we wouldn’t be embarrassed by our bodies and could ask/guide our partners into the right ways to get our bodies to react the way we wish .   |
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"I’ve had some really interesting chats recently with some vanilla female friends and a couple of fab friends regarding some women being unable to cum when being sexual with others.
I had an ex that was like that, once we got closer and to know each other better she was actually a heavy gusher and was extremely embarrassed by it. This seemed to create a mental block when being sexually active, another friend sadly has low self confidence in her body and this could quite well be a similar cause of her not being able to climax in the company of others. I, ofcourse, could be wrong though
What are all of your experiences and thoughts? Have any of the fems perhaps went through a phase like this and managed to find a solution….or could it literally be as simple as us men being fucking useless? "
I think spontaneous exciting sex generally results in both parties climaxing.
But when it's a regular thing or a relationship then there has to be a deeper connection to make sex amazing |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Possibly a bit of both.
I think everyone (regardless of gender) at times feels a little self conscious when it comes to sex. Some of us more than others at times and it means we get stuck in our heads rather than lost in the moment. That can be a barrier. Factor in any negative experiences or harsh words, then any pressure that we feel under to look, act or be a certain way. Let's be honest, even on a site that's supposed to be be full of open minded people, there's plenty of shaming!
Then there's the hormones, the emotions and all that those entail,mixed in with whatever is happening in our lives.
Lastly, the situation, the person, the connection.
There's so much that can have an impact infact I'm often surprised how well some of us actually do! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Possibly a bit of both.
I think everyone (regardless of gender) at times feels a little self conscious when it comes to sex. Some of us more than others at times and it means we get stuck in our heads rather than lost in the moment. That can be a barrier. Factor in any negative experiences or harsh words, then any pressure that we feel under to look, act or be a certain way. Let's be honest, even on a site that's supposed to be be full of open minded people, there's plenty of shaming!
Then there's the hormones, the emotions and all that those entail,mixed in with whatever is happening in our lives.
Lastly, the situation, the person, the connection.
There's so much that can have an impact infact I'm often surprised how well some of us actually do! "
What she said!! We humans are complex creatures  |
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By *hyme2020Woman
over a year ago
Glasgow Scotland |
I always have in my head that I can’t/don’t cum during penetration unless toys are involved. When it comes to having an orgasm with oral, a lot of the time I have been so close and I end up losing it for some reason, but I do cum with oral. I think it all depends who you are with and how relaxed you are with them. I remember the first time a man made me gush I was embarrassed as it had never happened before. I know embrace it as every man that it’s ever happened with has enjoyed it immensely. I do much prefer to have an orgasm than just gushing/squirting though. |
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Honesty and communication is key tbh. I never ever fake it, but if necessary I will guide the man to touch me how I want to be touched
Maybe I'm just lucky cause I've not had a lot of bad sex on here. I've had lots and lots of squirting incidents with both Mr and with men/couples on here.
I like to build a bit of a connection and flirt first to get the intensity going. I'm so highly body conscious, but it always helps me to relax if I feel there is a wee bit of lust from the man, and I've got some lingerie on that I feel good in. |
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It is all in the mind... and mindset...
The only way to truly free yourself from the boundaries is relaxation techniques, self exploration and removing the ingrained negativity barriers that have surrounded sexual activities for hundreds of years.
If you are uptight and have in back of you mind that pleasure is bad, you are unlikely to achieve orgasm.
Easier said than done.
But that's what stops the majority of individuals.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I find it almost impossible, doesn't mean I'm not enjoying it,I just don't seem to get to that point easily with someone. Then I start to think are the getting fed up trying and then I just switch off. But I can cum quickly and multiple times on my own.
It's definitely a mind over matter thing with me . |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It takes alot .. you've defo got to be in the right mindset , low confidence and low self esteem will always put barriers in the way if you don't feel sexy then it can inhibit you .. as salt n pepa says ,free your mind and the rest will follow !! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Also helps when you find someone willing to put the graft in for the rewards ..
Not everyone's a gusher .. alot of guys believe a woman needs to gush to have the best orgasm .. couldn't be further from the truth . |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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When I was part of a couple, I had never cum during a meet in 2 years, but I think it was psychological as the first woman I slept with after the split I ended up cumming 3 times.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Definitely a relatable subject both to myself personally and to people I've been with in the past. I've only been able to cum with 2 of the people I have slept with before, definitely got a mental block of letting go and not cumming too early.
On the other hand, I've been with women who can't get naked or get self conscious of cumming, definitely all about building up trust and comfort with someone.
Only issue with that level of connection is that feelings can begin to become stronger and if both of you aren't into that then it will inevitably become an awkward breakaway for both parties. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don't always cum and when I was younger the more I worried about it the worse I was now I just accept myself as I am I either will or I won't but it doesn't stop me enjoying. No men are not useless, there's guys who can't either, we are all different and worrying about it doesn't help just lie back and enjoy, an orgasm is a bonus. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Definitely a relatable subject both to myself personally and to people I've been with in the past. I've only been able to cum with 2 of the people I have slept with before, definitely got a mental block of letting go and not cumming too early.
On the other hand, I've been with women who can't get naked or get self conscious of cumming, definitely all about building up trust and comfort with someone.
Only issue with that level of connection is that feelings can begin to become stronger and if both of you aren't into that then it will inevitably become an awkward breakaway for both parties."
I'm glad I'm not the only one. You explained it better though. Others might think it's great but it can mess things up and make the partner feel like it's their fault, which then makes it even harder to cum, sometimes impossible.
This might sound awesome but inside its a different story. Obviously in a play room it can make you feel like god so it's not all doom and gloom |
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By *reedyKWoman
over a year ago
Fife |
"I find it almost impossible, doesn't mean I'm not enjoying it,I just don't seem to get to that point easily with someone. Then I start to think are the getting fed up trying and then I just switch off. But I can cum quickly and multiple times on my own.
It's definitely a mind over matter thing with me ."
This is me as well! |
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The book - Come As You Are
Is really good and interesting...
We are all different and all normal!
Don't heed magazines and TV about body beautiful... they are all trying to sell stuff, and being perfect as you are doesn't sell stuff - so they have go make us unhappy with ourselves |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This is something that I am involved with as part of my job.
As you said, part of the problem can be with their partner, not knowing how to make them feel relaxed, safe or how to listen to their body.
However, women especially are very dependent upon mental stimulation in order to orgasm, if their mind isn't in that space then it can be very hard for them to reach the point of orgasm.
Several things can cause blockages in the mind and body.
They may have self worth issues or lack of body confidence.
They may have been subjected to some form of abuse; physical, emotional, sexual, mental. This is, unfortunately, very common amongst women and it is why a space of safety can be very important.
Then there is the culture of the "pornstar" which affects both men and women. Being exposed to hyper sexual performances so if you're not screaming in pleasure throughout sex then you're shit in bed. So women (and men) can feel the need to perform and to please their partner before themselves. This causes a disconnect, roll on the fake orgasm.
The list of reasons could go on and on; stress, anxiety, depression, medication... In many ways it's similar to a man who experiences erectile dysfunction.
Ultimately the way forward is through positive communication, to listen and be there for them as you can. You don't need to provide the answers, just be a safe space where they can open up.
When it comes to sex I would take the emphasis away from orgasm because orgasm is only one part of sex. Some of the best sex I've ever had hasn't involved an orgasm.
So take your time, enjoy the journey and by removing the focus away from orgasm it can help them to feel relaxed and to be in the moment??
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I’ve had some really interesting chats recently with some vanilla female friends and a couple of fab friends regarding some women being unable to cum when being sexual with others.
I had an ex that was like that, once we got closer and to know each other better she was actually a heavy gusher and was extremely embarrassed by it. This seemed to create a mental block when being sexually active, another friend sadly has low self confidence in her body and this could quite well be a similar cause of her not being able to climax in the company of others. I, ofcourse, could be wrong though
What are all of your experiences and thoughts? Have any of the fems perhaps went through a phase like this and managed to find a solution….or could it literally be as simple as us men being fucking useless? "
The solution for me was meeting someone I properly clicked with...before Mr, I never felt sexually satisfied or fulfilled. I just felt frustrated and thought the problem was me. Turns out I'm a filthy pervert underneath it all, and I just needed to meet another filthy pervert to unlock that wee door in my head lol
Mrs |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I think you boys are seriously over-analysing female orgasms tbh."
I slightly agree with this but at the same time I do have some friends that just can’t get there when being sexual with a guy/ partner of their choice.
Some ace points above though, it’s good to get the different levels of views  |
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