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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says...
'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Leeds and tell her.'
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell
they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,'
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling
my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do
a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says,
'they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Husband walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife for Xmas.
He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model It for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing.
I'll not put it on, do the modeling naked and return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund for myself".
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "My God! It wasn't that creased in the shop". |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Xmas Shopping
Christmas was coming near and it was time for Little Johnny to finish his holiday shopping. He went into a toy shop, took a toy plane, gave the shopkeeper fake money and started to leave.
The shopkeeper spoke up, "Excuse me little boy, this isn't real money."
Little Johnny didn't reply and continued walking.
The shopkeeper repeated himself, but Johnny kept walking.
The third time the shopkeeper called him, Johnny replied, "What?"
The shopkeeper said, "I'm sorry, young man, but this is not real money."
Johnny looked at the plane in his hands, looked at the shopkeeper and finally said, "And this isn't a real plane."
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By *adcowWoman
over a year ago
kirkcaldy |
The gay flight attendant
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to
announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if youcould just put your trays up, that would be super.'
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those
big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the
ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said,
'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied , without missing a beat,
'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray -up, Bitch'
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