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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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The Irish Prostitute
An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year. Upon her return, her Father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...'
'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club.....(takes a breath).....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... .'
'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'
'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a big hug! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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2 cows standing in a field.Which one's on holiday?
The one with the wee calf!!!
what do you call a man with a plank of wood on his head?
'Edwood!!!
What do you call a man with 3 planks of wood on his head?
'Edwood wood wood!!!
What do you do if you see a space man?
Park in it man!!
What do you do if a bird shits on your car?
Don't take her out again!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I got pulled over for speeding earlier today, "You've got to let me go Officer," I pleaded, "My wife is due any minute!" He said, "What due as in Pregnant?" I said, "No Due as in home from work, and I've left Midget porn on the laptop!"  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary for some campaign advice, at their spacious home.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.
When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that Clinton had a solid gold urinal! Wow!
That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal. "Just think,' he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal.
But I wouldn't have something so self-indulgent!"
Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, . . . . . . Bill had a gold urinal.
That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled and said to Bill:
"I found out who pissed in your saxophone." |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I shagged Cheryl Cole last night, very disappointed, with only two things to say on the subject........ her tits are fake and the staff at Madam Tussauds have a serious attitude problem!!!!!!!!!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My missus packed my bags and screamed at me as I walked out the door......" I wish you a slow and painful death you bastard" she yelled........" Oh so you want me to stay now" I replied |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.
God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I said to our sexy 16 year old baby sitter last night "You remind me of my little toe" .
She asks "Why ? Is it because i am well formed, small cute and important"?
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I said "No. It's because when i come home d*unk to night I'm probably going to bang you on that fucking coffee table".
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