Two sperm swimming inside a woman. One sperm turns to the other and says “ Well mate. I suppose we better start fighting like fuck, make our way to the cervix, swim through the womb and down the Fallopian tubes and fertilise these eggs.
The second sperm turns to the first and says to him “ Calm down mate. We’ve got to get past the tonsils first “. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A tourist in Ireland stops paddy and asks 'Whats the quickest way to County Mayo'? .. Paddy said 'are you driving or on foot'? tourist replies.. 'driving' Paddy replies ' yea thats definitely the quickest' 
im here all week...  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A tourist in Ireland stops paddy and asks 'Whats the quickest way to County Mayo'? .. Paddy said 'are you driving or on foot'? tourist replies.. 'driving' Paddy replies ' yea thats definitely the quickest'
im here all week... "
Lmao and there’s more? Excellent |
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I met the milkman on the way home when I finished nightshiftearly. My girlfriend came into the kitchen when I was making a cup of tea. I told her I’d just met the milkman and he told me he’d fucked every woman in the street, apart from one. My girlfriend replied “ I bet it’s that stuck up both in number twenty eight. “ |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"What is E.T short for..?
He has little legs..
I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high… she looked surprised  "
What did Cinderella do when she finally got to the ball?
Made some choking noises.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What is E.T short for..?
He has little legs..
I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high… she looked surprised
What did Cinderella do when she finally got to the ball?
Made some choking noises.."
She obviously Disney do it right |
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By *imbobaMan
over a year ago
Glasgow |
"Haha
On a tropical … ah mean topical note… I burned my ham and pineapple pizza tonight… I should have had it on aloha temperature  "
This is a lie. Flirt does not like pineapple on her pizza. Didn’t happen. The punishment is having to wear a hula skirt when you next go out. |
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By *imbobaMan
over a year ago
Glasgow |
"What is E.T short for..?
He has little legs..
I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high… she looked surprised
What did Cinderella do when she finally got to the ball?
Made some choking noises..
She obviously Disney do it right "
If only to cover your smart arse. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the doctor comes into the room and says, "I have something to tell you about your child.." The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, "What's wrong with it?" The doctor says, "There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different! It's a hermaphrodite." The woman looks confused. "A hermaphrodite, what's that?" The doctor replies, "It has both features of a male and a female." The woman looks relieved. "What? You mean it has a penis AND a brain?"??????? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Paddy and mick are flying in one of those wee 2 seater planes. Mick turns to paddy and says "paddy if this plane turns upside down, were gonna fall out" paddy says "dont be silly mick, we'll always be pals" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Haha
On a tropical … ah mean topical note… I burned my ham and pineapple pizza tonight… I should have had it on aloha temperature
This is a lie. Flirt does not like pineapple on her pizza. Didn’t happen. The punishment is having to wear a hula skirt when you next go out. "
Oooer punishments |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"What is E.T short for..?
He has little legs..
I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high… she looked surprised
What did Cinderella do when she finally got to the ball?
Made some choking noises..
She obviously Disney do it right
If only to cover your smart arse. "
It will smart if it gets punished |
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The groom carries his bride into the honeymoon suite. Kicks the door shut behind him. Throws her on the bed. Rips all her clothes off. Rips all his clothes off and just as he’s about to dive on top of her she’s says “ Please be gentle with me. I’m still a virgin. “
The groom sits down on the corner of the bed, in disbelief. Distraught. Head in hands. He asks. “ How can you possibly still be a virgin? You’ve been married three times already? “
“ Well, ‘ she says, ‘ my first husband. He was a psychologist. All he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband. He was a gynaecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband. He was a stamp collector and by fuck! I miss him. “ |
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Two dogs walking down the street, one dog says to the other “ Do you wear a condom when you’re having sex? “
The second dog says “ What do you mean, Durex? “
First dog replies “ I asked you first. “ |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My mate was telling me today that his wife went out last week for a pint of milk and never came back! I asked him how he was coping and he said he was doing ok and just using the powdered stuff "
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By *alcon43Woman
over a year ago
Paisley |
"Haha
On a tropical … ah mean topical note… I burned my ham and pineapple pizza tonight… I should have had it on aloha temperature
This is a lie. Flirt does not like pineapple on her pizza. Didn’t happen. The punishment is having to wear a hula skirt when you next go out.
Oooer punishments "
If you go out in Glasgow you’ll blend right in  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Haha
On a tropical … ah mean topical note… I burned my ham and pineapple pizza tonight… I should have had it on aloha temperature
This is a lie. Flirt does not like pineapple on her pizza. Didn’t happen. The punishment is having to wear a hula skirt when you next go out.
Oooer punishments
If you go out in Glasgow you’ll blend right in "
Very true |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A skeleton walks into a bar and says " can I have a pint of lager and mop please""
my fave bar joke is… A centurion walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says “five pints please” |
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James Bond books into the Ritz Carlton, it’s late in the evening and the porter carries his bags up to his room. He tips the porter, closes the door and decides he’ll pop down to the bar for a little night cap, so he changes into some suitable evening attire and makes his way downstairs. He’s sitting there at the bar, sipping a vodka martini - shaken. Not stirred when the most beautiful woman in the world sits down two stools away from him. James Bond, being the magnet he is, the woman leans over and breaks the ice. “ Excuse me. Could you tell me the time please? “
“ Certainly. “ He replies and pulls back his sleeve to reveal a big fuck off watch. It can change the guidance systems on nuclear weapons, cut through steel bars,... it’s a James Bond watch. It can do anything.
“ My, my, ‘ the lady says, ‘ that’s a fancy watch! “
“ Yes. ‘ he replies, ‘ my firm made it for me. It tells me things. “
Intrigued. The woman asks “ What do you mean? ‘ It tells you things ‘. “
“ It picks up little vibrations and it tells me things. “ He tells her.
He takes a little sip of his vodka martini. The lady looks confused so he pulls back his sleeve, looks at his watch and explains, “ For example. The vibrations it’s picking up just now. It tells me you’re wearing no underwear. “
The woman blushes and laughs “ Oh, but I am. I am. “
James Bond is utterly confused and examines his watch. Taps the face then the penny drops.
“ Oh. My apologies. It’s an hour fast. Would you like a drink... “ |
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