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Joke of the Day..

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By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago

Paddy's wife goes to the doctor complaining that after ten years of marriage she had never had an orgasm!

After an examination the doctor advised her to relax and invest in a fan for the bedroom to keep her cool during sex. Husband of course decides he does'nt want to spend any money and asked his mate Mick if he would mind waving a towel over the bed whilst he made love to his wife,Still no orgasm..so he asks Mick to make love to his wife whilst he waved the towel..Aftyer twenty minutes of mind blowing sex she orgasmed, Paddy looks over at Mick and says "And that,my son is how you wave a towel"...

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Heres a joke for you - Why is a pirate called a pirate? They jus arrghhhh

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

he he both were good xx

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are in the jungle when they get caught by a vicious tribe.

Firstly the chief says to the Englishman, you can have either death or umbago. The Englishman ponders for a few seconds and says i'll have umbago. He is then tied down and penetrated from behind until he is hardly alive. The chief then lets him go.

The chief then asks the Scotsman which he would prefer death or umbago. Well I don't like the sound of death much, i'll have umbago replied the Scotsman.. Once again he is strapped down and penetrated from behind until he is bleading badly. The chief lets him go and he just manages to crawl off home.

Finally the chief asks the Irishman which he prefers. "I'm not being butt fu**ed by those two ba***rds, ill have death".

To which the chief stands up, raises his hand, and says "Death !! ....by umbago"

il get my coat....lol

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

New evidence to prove it was'nt Al Quieda that did the twin towers, aparently Paddy said to mick the 2 joiners were workin in tower 1, "Mick could you be gettin me a plane and just take a bit off the top sure,that would be grand so it would"

T

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

im not normally a suspicious person, but my wife told me that gavin from autoglass came round and injected his special resin into her crack she has'nt even got a bloody car.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Three really old men sitting on a park bench...

One turns to the other and asys, "It's Windy today isn't it?"

To which the other replies, "No, I think it's Thursday!"

The last guy stood up and said, "Yep, me too, c'mon we'll go for a Pint!"

Drumroll pleeeeeezzzzzz!

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

A farmer has 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy.

The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard first giving the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot.

WHAM! - Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Randy after flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese!

By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught-worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob-stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful - and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer."

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By *ubgla KhanMan  over a year ago

Scotland and on my travels

Love the Randy rooster joke!!! (How apt for this site! HEHE)

Best one so far after the clearly racsit start against us poor Irishmen! HAHA

There was a young woman from Leith

Who pulled back foreskins with her teeth

It wasnt for pleasure

It was just to measure

The amount of cheese underneath

boom boom

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By *ckMan  over a year ago

Funky Town

sorry this one is a bit long but worth it in the end....

Primary Teacher in class doing maths with the kids one morning says to them all.... 3 crows sitting on top of a wall, the farmer comes along with his shotgun and shoots one of them, how many are left??....straight away wee Mary the class swot puts up her hand and says 2 miss... well done mary says the teacher thats correct.....not content with this wee Johnny says ...Thats no right miss.. if the farmer shoots one crow the other two would fly away wi the noise so there would be none left......Teacher says technically you are probably right although 2 is the answer i was looking for...but I like your way of thinking..

wee Johnny then says....heres one for you miss... 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream, one is biting hers, another is licking hers and the last one is slurping and sucking all over hers getting all the drips down the length of the cone being careful not to waste a drop,

which one is married??....teacher thinks my god where is this leading but says the last one to which wee Johnny says no miss its the one with the wedding ring.. but I like your way of thinking.........

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By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago

Eck...That was superb mate, !! Loved it x

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By *ckMan  over a year ago

Funky Town

cheers Charlie...have to admit it is one of my favourites.........

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By *ckMan  over a year ago

Funky Town

Same teacher, same class only this time its english being taught....teacher says to the class that they are going to go through the alphabet one letter at a time and she wants them all to think of a word beginning with that letter.....

ok she says lets start with A,

wee Johnny straight away has his hand in the air...yes Johnny what is your word "ARSE" he shouts.......now thats enough of that Johnny we'll have no more bad words says his teacher...now lets move on to the letter B,

wee Johnny again straigt away has his hand in the air..me miss, me miss.. go on then Johnny what is it this time "BASTARD" he says to which his teacher tells him if there is anymore of his profanity he'll be put out of the class and have to go to the headmasters office for punishment......

Not taking any chances with Johnny again the teacher gives the letter C a swift body swerve just in case and moves staight on to the letter D.....

Again wee Johnny has his hand up, he is jumping up and down in the air hardly able to contain himself and again saying "ME Miss" "Me Miss" at this point the teacher is thinking what swear word is there that begins with D??? unable to think of any she says to Johnny go ahead Johnny whats you word?? "Dwarf" he says...well done Johnny now can you tell the class what a dwarf is... "Aye nae bother miss it's a wee C**t aboot this size"

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By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago

What about the Irishman (dont tell ubg)who took his goldfish back to the petshop,he wanted his money back as it was epilectic...Nothing wrong with that fish,the shopkeeper told him,look..it's swimming about like a good un'...Ahhh said Paddy,you have'nt taken it out bowl yet.....

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By *ubgla KhanMan  over a year ago

Scotland and on my travels

Eck - 2 good classics! LOL

Charlie - I am watching you! LOL

Still good joke! hehe

What do you get an epilectic Scottish man for Christmas?

A wii fit!

hehe

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By *ubgla KhanMan  over a year ago

Scotland and on my travels

Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick says 'how you doin?'

Paddy says ' okay but do us a favour mate, run upstairs and get me

slippers, me feet are freezing.'

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin

daughters sitting on the bed. He says 'your dad's sent me up here to

have sex with both of you'.

They say 'get away with ya.. prove it.'

Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'

Paddy shouts back 'Of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin one?'

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By *aucy3Couple  over a year ago

glasgow

a man goes to confession and says,forgive me father. last night i made love to twins, half my age,in positions that i think are illegal.over and over again.the priest thinks for a few minutes,and says,buy 7 lemons squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it.will this cleanse me of my sins? asks the man, no says the priest.but itll wipe that fuckin smile off your face

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By *eclan_and_AimeeCouple  over a year ago

dunblane, stirling

two small dyslexic boys are sitting in class one day.

One turns to the other and says "can you smell gas??"

the other replies

"I cannae even smell my own name!"

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By *ashmira2008Woman  over a year ago

renfrew

Just seen a scarecrow having a wank in a field !!

I thought 'Impossible, he's just clutching at straws!'

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Man driving on one side of road shouts to woman driving up in other direction "Fuckin big fat cow", woman shouts "fuck off wanker", woman goes round corner, crashes into a big fat cow strayed onto road. Dies!

Moral of the story,, why dont women listen to us? lol

T xx

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

a man goes into the pub and asks for 3 double whiskeys.

bar man says whats up with you?

man say i have just found out that my youngest son is gay.

the next week he goes in and asks for 6 double whiskeys

barman says whats wrong now?

the man says my oldest son has just told be he is gay.

next week he goes in and asks for 10 double whiskeys.

the barman say's not again does no oe in your house hold like pussy

and the man says yes MY WIFE.

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By *ashmira2008Woman  over a year ago

renfrew

Teacher asks science class in Kilmarnock 'What is Relative Humidity?' Wee Jimmy answers 'It's the sweat ye get on yer baws when shagging your cousin'

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By *ubgla KhanMan  over a year ago

Scotland and on my travels


"Just seen a scarecrow having a wank in a field !!

I thought 'Impossible, he's just clutching at straws!'

"

LOL - Excellent!

In the spirit of Halloween -

There was a vampiress called Mabel

Whose periods were exceedingly stable

One night at full moon

She took up a spoon

And drank herself under the table!

boom booom

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

I passed an RAC van tonight while it was at the traffic lights,the driver was crying his eyes out-i thought to myself "That guy is heading for a breakdown"

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

two dundee quines sharon and tracy walk up to the perfume stall in the overgate.sharon says to tracy "whit div ye recon on this wan then"whits at en trace venez a moi."venez a moi whit the fucks at en".At this the assistant says ladies venez a moi its french for come to me.So tracy takes another snif come to me dizney fucking smell like come to me.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

A family of balloons go to bed for the night but little boy ballon has a bad dream and decides to get in beside his parents.

He tries to squeeze in but there's no room so he undoes his dads knot, lets some air out the ties it up again but it's still too tight to get in.

He then does the same to his mum, but there's still not enough room so he unties his own knot and lets some air out.

At last he fits in between them and goes to sleep.

In the morning daddy balloon is furious and gives his son a telling off.

"We're very disappointed with you young man. You're far too big a boy to be coming into our bed now. You've let me down, you've let your mum down and you've let yourself down."

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By *cotscple4funCouple  over a year ago

lanarkshire

jew walks into his local asda walks up to the help desk pulls out his circumcised cock slaps it on the desk and says lets see you roll that back

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

I shagged an African girl last night,in the morning she told me she had 25 kids.....turned out she was a Kenyan

(keen yin)

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