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Whats your favourite jokes or puns?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"How do you make a water bed more bouncy ?
You add spring water...
Boing boing, I’ll get me coat  "
I had a water bed with my ex but we drifted apart, bring my coat too ?? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Two prostitutes walking down the street, one asks "Have you ever been caught by the Fuzz before?" The other replies "No, but I've been swung around by the tits a few times." |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Miss! Miss! My Daddy fell out of the window at the weekend and a pole got stuck up his arse!"
"RECTUM THOMAS!!! RECTUM!!!"
""Wrecked 'em Miss? It nearly fucking killed him!"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"
Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."
In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, "this must be good, where did he go when he left here?"
Joey says, "To your house!"   |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."
He forgets to switch off the intercom, and the whole plane can hear his conversation with his co-pilot.
The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap . . . then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge ta-tas out for dinner . . . . then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night long!"
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the isles, trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she tries to run to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and falls on her face. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gonna take a shit first." |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Guy walks into a pub with his Dog.
He says "Ask my Dog anything and if he gets it right, you give me a free pint"
Barman agrees..
So he asks the Dog " Everytime I play Golf where do I always hit my first ball"
Dog replies..RUFF RUFF.
Barman says " Feck of, get oot".
No please, ask another.
Barman says " ok, after a Saturday night drinking session with my mates, how do I usually feel the next morning"
Dog pauses, then replies RUFF RUFF.
Barman says "Right get feckin oot and take that clueless Dog too"
No, please, please, one more time..have another go.
Barman asks "Who played in Goals for Scotland in the 1982 World cup"
Dog replies..RUFF RUFF.
Barman has had enuff, in a raging rant he throws them both out for being feckin ridiculous.
The Guy is sitting on the kerb totally disgusted and choking for a pint.
The Dog walks over too him and says
" Sorry buddy, was it Jim Leighton
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"A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"
Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."
In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, "this must be good, where did he go when he left here?"
Joey says, "To your house!" "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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So Robbie William's and Elton John are walking down the street when they see Kylie Minogue with her head stuck in some railings, Robbie says to Elton "I have always wanted to do this", so he rushes towards Kylie, whips her knickers down and does the business, as he is pulling up his trousers after the deed, he says to Elton, "it's your turn" and Robbie turns round to Elton and sees him crying. Robbie asks Elton " what's wrong?" Where Elton replies " my head wont fit in the railings!!!" |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Some for the D&D geeks amongst us
Why do paladins wear chainmail?
Because its holy armour!
How do you get a D&D player to go out with you?
Ask for a D8
Why was the musician kicked out of the tavern?
He was bard! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Picked my shirt up from the dry cleaners earlier, girl handed me my shirt with a big smile and said ‘come again’. Me indignantly responded.. eh, no! It was toothpaste this time you nosy b*tch  |
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Teacher goes in to primary 1 class and asks anyone who thinks their stupid to stand up , after a minute wee Johny stands up . She asks why he thinks he’s stupid ? “ I don’t think I am miss but I didn’t want you standing on your own “ |
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Man walks into a bar ... it was an iron bar
Pigeon flys into a tin of paint ... it was a blue doo
Walking through the park I thought that frisbee looking bigger ... then it hit me
Abbreviation that’s a short word
Paddy asks Mick for directions Mick says you don’t want to start from here
Man walking down road with long pole gets asked are you a pole vaulter Replies am Hungarian but how you know my name
I need to stop |
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