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By *asyuk OP Man
over a year ago
West London |
Daily Mash:
'Boris Johnson searching UK for place he won’t get a boll*cking
19th September 2019
THE prime minister is searching the whole of Britain to find a location he can visit without a member of the public tearing him a new ars*hole.
Boris Johnson has so far been boll*cked in Doncaster, Luxembourg, Morley, Whipps Cross University Hospital, Westminster, Rotherham and Dublin, and experts believe that nowhere is safe.
A Downing Street source said: “He’s alright if he stays indoors and we filter the Facebook comments before they reach him. Otherwise he’s f**ked.
“It’s been a steep learning curve because he’s used to turning up and being fawned over by d**kheads impressed by posh boys and delighted to swallow silly lies.
“However, now he’s actually got to go out and meet some ordinary people, he’s realising that being Prime Minister means a large chunk of the population think you’re a twat and aren’t afraid to say so.
“He can’t go to Scotland because he’s technically illegal there, the North clearly hates him, Wales is far from keen, and even in the Home Counties he gets kicked in the nuts for not being as Brexit as Farage.
“His own home? No, that’ll be no good. That’s where he gets the biggest boll*ckings of all.”'
Newsthump:
Boris Johnson to tour country in big red bus with ‘There’s no press here’ on the side
September 19, 2019
Written by Chris Ballard
'The Prime Minister has realised that blatant lies only really work when written on the side of a large red vehicle.
Yesterday Boris Johnson was confronted in a hospital by a new father who spoke to the PM about how the NHS was underfunded and understaffed.
At one point he criticised Boris for using the NHS facility as a press opportunity.
Johnson’s finely honed instincts kicked in, “There’s no press here,” he said directly in front of the press who were filming the conversation.
He went on, “You don’t have a baby, this isn’t a hospital. And I don’t know why you’re having a go at me as I’m not even the Prime Minister.”
Despite all these brilliant lies the man didn’t believe a word of it and pointed out as much to Boris.
Later, the PM reflected on what went wrong.
“Falsehoods are much more powerful when written down,” he said. “I learnt that very early on in my ‘career’ as a ‘journalist’.
“The next time I go to a press opportunity I’ll turn up in a big red bus with ‘This is definitely not a press opportunity’ emblazoned on the side. That’ll fool them!”
The press themselves received criticism for making a big deal out of the fact that the new dad was a Labour activist.
“‘Man with opposing views to Prime Minister disagrees with Prime Minister’ only really works as a headline on one of those excellent spoof news sites,” said Political Analyst Simon Williams.
“Some sections of the media should be rather ashamed of themselves.”
The PM’s supporters rallied around him after the hospital incident, sending him a reassuring message: ‘We love you Boris!’
Written, of course, on the side of a bus.' |
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