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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Paddy asked his girlfriend for a clue as to wot he was getting for his birthday . She winked at him and said it starts with F and ends in UCK . "Oh my god" said Paddy "I'm getting a Firetruck !"  |
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An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year, on her return her father yelled at her.
"Where have yer been all this time? Why did ye not write to us? Not even a line. Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?"
The girl, crying replied, sniff sniff "Dad, ..............I was too embarressed, I became a prostitute"
"Ye what!!!!?, Out of here, Ye Shameless Harlot! Sinner! Ye a Disgrace to this Catholic family, so ye are!"
"OK Daddy, as ye wish. I only came back to give me Mum this luxurious fur coat, the title deeds to a 10 bedroom mansion and this 5 million pound cheque.
For me brother Cormack this Gold Rolex.
And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new limited edition Mercedes Convertible thats parked outside, plus life membership of the Limerick Golf Club"
She takes a breath and continues "And an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on my yacht in the Caribbean"
"Now, tell me again what was it ye said ye had become" says Dad
The girl, crying again sniff sniff " A Prostitute, daddy" sniff sniff
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death there Girl! I thought ye said a PROTESTANT!
Come here and give ye Old Daddy a Big Hug!"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.’
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered............... 'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Lets pick Willy up from school and go home.' |
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The Pope visited the Archbishop of Canterbury for a few days to discuss world peace with other religous leaders.
After the formalities were over and the two were left alone together to enjoy a sumptuous meal,the best wines and desserts..the Archbishop asks "What do you usually do now in your religion after such a feast?2
The Pope replies "Like good Catholics all over the world..we pass around the under 8s" |
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Took the wife around the shopping center earlier..we rounded a corner to see a bevvy of beautiful young women all wearing next to nothing and all looking hot..as they walked past us i said to my Mrs "Phoarrrr!" pointing to a georgous piece about twenty years old.."I bet you'd love to have fucking legs like her?"
She didn't respond,but i could tell she was upset.
I could hear her sob as i wheeled her up the ramp in to Debenhams |
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A little boy asks his dad "where does poo come from dad?"
His dad explains "well son, food passes down the Oesophagus by peristalsis. It enters into the stomach, where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal. This extracts the protein before waste product enters the colon. Water is absorbed, whereupon it then enters the rectum finally to emerge as poo".
"Blimey" says the little lad. "so where does Tigger come from then?".  |
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two paddy's are driving round town for a bit when suddenly a police car shows up behind them and gives them the stop sign
The men stop and the police officer taps on the window. when the men open the car window, the police officer said "we're looking for 2 rapists"
The 2 men quickly close the window and begin arguing. After 3 minutes they open the window again and say...."okay we'll do it" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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An elderly Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf.
So he applied for membership at a local golf club.
About a week later he received a letter that his application has been rejected.
So he went to the club to inquire as to why:
Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, ma'am, my name is MacTavish.
Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?
Scot: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.
Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?
Scot: Aye, and neither do I.
Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room?
Scot: Aye, I also do the same.
Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scot: Aye, I be that.
Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?
Scot: Aye, I be that, too.
Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable sitting in the steam room with you, since your privates are different from theirs.
Scot: Ach, away with ya, ma'am. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus. But this is the first time I've heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Paddy rushes his pregnant wife into the maternity hospital in labour.
Nurse asks, "How dilated is she?"
Paddy says, "ah jaysus, she's over the fuckin moon!"  |
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A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her
Vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too? loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the
Surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she? found 3 roses
Carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged,? she immediately calls? in the doctor.? 'I thought I asked you not
To tell? anyone about my? operation!'
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and
That the first rose was from him:
'I felt sad? because you went through? this all by yourself.'
'The second rose is from my nurse.? She assisted me? in the surgery and
Empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.'
'And what about the third rose ?' she asked.
'That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit.? He? wanted to thank you for
His new ears.'
? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Man goes in hospital to have his leg amputated.
On waking from his surgery, the Doctor says 'now I have some good news and some bad news'
Man asks 'What's the bad news ?'
Doctor replies 'We amputated the wrong leg'
Man says 'and the good news ?'
Doctor says 'that fella in the next bed said he'll buy ur slippers' |
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Old joke: setting is the early 60s:
Young man sits in the living room with his date's father nervously waiting for her to come down.
The father leans over and says, "Why don't you take her? out to screw?"
"What!?" says the boy.
"Sure," says the father."She tells me she loves to screw."
So the girl comes down and leaves with the boy. A few minutes layer she rushes in the door and yells at her father,"Damnit, Daddy, it's called the twist!"
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New euro 2012 song by Duran Duran - his name is Rio and he watches from the stands!
Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning " Windows frozen" ...........
Husband texts back, "Pour some luke warm water over it"......................
Wife texts back "Computer's completely fucked now"
I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts."Really?" she said. "Go on then... try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience."Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"
"Yesterday! I replied!"
My wife has left a note for me on the kitchen table saying that she's leaving me because I'm obsessed with online poker...... I think she's bluffing, so I'm not going to call her!!
Well they made me titter!!
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Paddy goes into work one day and while on his break Murphy notices his new addition
"What you got there then Paddy?" (read in your best Irish accent lol) asks Murphy
"its a thermos flask" repies Paddy "its a new invention it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
"Oh b jesus" says Murphy "thats great, Mary come and have a look at this Paddies got a thermos flask its a new invention, keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!!"
"oh well i never" Mary says in shock "what ever will they think of next, hey Jerry come look at Paddies thermos flask, its a new invention, keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!"
"oh thats great that Paddy,what you got in there then?" asks Jerry
Paddy replies "two cups of coffee and a ice cream" |
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