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What questions would you ask a submissive .
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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If you was Dominant and looking for a new submissive what questions would you ask them to see if she's suitable and compatible with you?
I've recently been asked questions that I wasnt happy about. He moved on 
It got me thinking about the type of sub I am.
So what would you ask or even find inappropriate and has nothing to do with you being a good submissive ? |
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When I used to domme more than I do now I used to interview all prospective subs over a coffee.
From memory I'd ask
What were they looking for?
What was their previous experience?
What were their expectations?
What were their "hard nos"?
Any allergies or phobias?
Then I'd tell them what I did and didn't do and what my expectations were and if there was compatibility we'd take it from there.
Once you've had that conversation you've got a clear idea of expectations and boundaries and saves any confusion later.
Good luck OP
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"When I used to domme more than I do now I used to interview all prospective subs over a coffee.
From memory I'd ask
What were they looking for?
What was their previous experience?
What were their expectations?
What were their "hard nos"?
Any allergies or phobias?
Then I'd tell them what I did and didn't do and what my expectations were and if there was compatibility we'd take it from there.
Once you've had that conversation you've got a clear idea of expectations and boundaries and saves any confusion later.
Good luck OP
"
Thankyou, they are very good questions to ask x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If they approach me, the very first thing I would ask is; what is it that YOU look for in a dominant. There are plenty of assumptions I could make and many things that I feel a submissive needs but, assumptions are never a good thing.
If I approach them; firstly, introduce myself, explaining exactly why I am approaching them - what attracted me to them and let things go from there.
But there should never be a time where the dominant ever stops asking questions of the submissive and the submissive should always be encouraged to ask questions of the dominant. It's a relationship and as every relationship goes there must be open dialogue and communication. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"If they approach me, the very first thing I would ask is; what is it that YOU look for in a dominant. There are plenty of assumptions I could make and many things that I feel a submissive needs but, assumptions are never a good thing.
If I approach them; firstly, introduce myself, explaining exactly why I am approaching them - what attracted me to them and let things go from there.
But there should never be a time where the dominant ever stops asking questions of the submissive and the submissive should always be encouraged to ask questions of the dominant. It's a relationship and as every relationship goes there must be open dialogue and communication."
Thats a fantastic answer, Im constantly wanting to learn, I love questions, I love a Dom also wanting to know about me xx |
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"If you was Dominant and looking for a new submissive what questions would you ask them to see if she's suitable and compatible with you?
I've recently been asked questions that I wasnt happy about. He moved on
It got me thinking about the type of sub I am.
So what would you ask or even find inappropriate and has nothing to do with you being a good submissive ?"
I'd ask them about previous experiences, (kink or not) I'd get a basic health background in case any play might adversely affect them (rope play/poor circulation)
I'd enquire about their mental health in case play might trigger a negative response from past trauma, I'd require them to stay with me after heavy play until I release them and maintain contact afterwards. I'd ask about drink or drug habits and then negotiate play, if they had no limits I'd walk away. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"If you was Dominant and looking for a new submissive what questions would you ask them to see if she's suitable and compatible with you?
I've recently been asked questions that I wasnt happy about. He moved on
It got me thinking about the type of sub I am.
So what would you ask or even find inappropriate and has nothing to do with you being a good submissive ?
I'd ask them about previous experiences, (kink or not) I'd get a basic health background in case any play might adversely affect them (rope play/poor circulation)
I'd enquire about their mental health in case play might trigger a negative response from past trauma, I'd require them to stay with me after heavy play until I release them and maintain contact afterwards. I'd ask about drink or drug habits and then negotiate play, if they had no limits I'd walk away."
Best reply so far 
Mental health and triggers are a huge importance.
Your aftercare sounds impeccable, Alot do not know or bother with aftercare. Its hugly important especially over the next couple of days . Thankyou for your reply .
I seem to be coming across very genuine Doms on my thread xx |
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This is an excellent thread and similar to a thought provolone I read recently on a fet lifestyle site x
I believe that there are a number of key questions to be asked and issues and boundaries to be addressed in communication prior to a play date or training scenario
A good dominant should ask questions that will allow them greater access to the psyche and deeper interests and desires of the submissive
Start with questions that are simple and easy for the sub to respond to x such as tell me about your last submissive experience x what are your limits x do you enjoy being spanked etc etc x
Then questions should be self reflective for the sub as they begin to put their trust in the dominant x
Why do you think you would make a good submissive x what area of your training would you like to develop x how do you think your submissive gift would match my desires as a dominant x
By this time and from the answers collated both the dominant and the submissive should have established if they meet each other’s needs x
A true dominant will recognise the submissive quality they will extend and develop and the sub will have the desire to fulfil the dominant wishes x
This is such a wide and extensive subject and I look for to hearing others thoughts and replies x |
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"If you was Dominant and looking for a new submissive what questions would you ask them to see if she's suitable and compatible with you?
I've recently been asked questions that I wasnt happy about. He moved on
It got me thinking about the type of sub I am.
So what would you ask or even find inappropriate and has nothing to do with you being a good submissive ?
I'd ask them about previous experiences, (kink or not) I'd get a basic health background in case any play might adversely affect them (rope play/poor circulation)
I'd enquire about their mental health in case play might trigger a negative response from past trauma, I'd require them to stay with me after heavy play until I release them and maintain contact afterwards. I'd ask about drink or drug habits and then negotiate play, if they had no limits I'd walk away.
Best reply so far
Mental health and triggers are a huge importance.
Your aftercare sounds impeccable, Alot do not know or bother with aftercare. Its hugly important especially over the next couple of days . Thankyou for your reply .
I seem to be coming across very genuine Doms on my thread xx"
Thank you, a lot of people don't understand that when a sub plays/submits the Dom has a duty of care including after effects. A crashing sub needs care and cuddles. Anyone doing otherwise is not a good Dominant. XXX |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"This is an excellent thread and similar to a thought provolone I read recently on a fet lifestyle site x
I believe that there are a number of key questions to be asked and issues and boundaries to be addressed in communication prior to a play date or training scenario
A good dominant should ask questions that will allow them greater access to the psyche and deeper interests and desires of the submissive
Start with questions that are simple and easy for the sub to respond to x such as tell me about your last submissive experience x what are your limits x do you enjoy being spanked etc etc x
Then questions should be self reflective for the sub as they begin to put their trust in the dominant x
Why do you think you would make a good submissive x what area of your training would you like to develop x how do you think your submissive gift would match my desires as a dominant x
By this time and from the answers collated both the dominant and the submissive should have established if they meet each other’s needs x
A true dominant will recognise the submissive quality they will extend and develop and the sub will have the desire to fulfil the dominant wishes x
This is such a wide and extensive subject and I look for to hearing others thoughts and replies x"
A perfect response, sadly the type of questions I get asked are
"To prove you are submissive I want you to get f--ked by a bunch of men, this would please me"
Ive been asked it 3 times recently. Makes me feel sad as up to that point the conversation was going well. Im then told Im not a real sub because I wont do this task.
Ive had a few replies on here and what a difference between a Genuine Dom/Domme and fake ones. Thankyou for your reply.
I know the site you mentioned, will look to see If I can spot the writing on there x |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
It's always key for *both* parties to have a complete understanding of what D/s means to them as individuals as well as generally - so as a submissive I'd expect to be quizzed about that in detail, and also afforded the opportunity to ask the same of a dominant.
In fact as important as what would you expect to be asked, is what questions would you ask of a prospective dominant?
I'd expect a full and open two way conversation covering everything from general perceptions and understanding, to limits, boundaries, aftercare, even specific details around types of play and dynamics etc
I've also found that both sides completing BDSM questionnaires to be a great way not only to compare notes, but also get a gauge of the type of person a prospective partner is and likely compatibility.
Anyone not willing to have those kind of in depth conversations would frankly not be for me. |
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By *essie.Woman
over a year ago
Serendipity |
A question I used to ask when I was into that type of play was :- Would I be your only submissive or do you have multiple subs? At the time, it was important for me to be their only one. I feel you lose something within the dynamic if they have a few.
OP - the ones that told you you had to have a gangbang to prove yourself. That’s not true Domination. That’s just being a dick. |
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"This is an excellent thread and similar to a thought provolone I read recently on a fet lifestyle site x
I believe that there are a number of key questions to be asked and issues and boundaries to be addressed in communication prior to a play date or training scenario
A good dominant should ask questions that will allow them greater access to the psyche and deeper interests and desires of the submissive
Start with questions that are simple and easy for the sub to respond to x such as tell me about your last submissive experience x what are your limits x do you enjoy being spanked etc etc x
Then questions should be self reflective for the sub as they begin to put their trust in the dominant x
Why do you think you would make a good submissive x what area of your training would you like to develop x how do you think your submissive gift would match my desires as a dominant x
By this time and from the answers collated both the dominant and the submissive should have established if they meet each other’s needs x
A true dominant will recognise the submissive quality they will extend and develop and the sub will have the desire to fulfil the dominant wishes x
This is such a wide and extensive subject and I look for to hearing others thoughts and replies x
A perfect response, sadly the type of questions I get asked are
"To prove you are submissive I want you to get f--ked by a bunch of men, this would please me"
Ive been asked it 3 times recently. Makes me feel sad as up to that point the conversation was going well. Im then told Im not a real sub because I wont do this task.
Ive had a few replies on here and what a difference between a Genuine Dom/Domme and fake ones. Thankyou for your reply.
I know the site you mentioned, will look to see If I can spot the writing on there x"
It saddens me when I read your reply x
Your profile is carefully written
You express your wishes desires and interests
You are clearly no fool or an object
So why would anyone ask such childish things of you x
To many people read a chapter of 50 shades and think it transfers to the real world x
Good luck on your journey and keep blocking the haters and the fakers x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"It's always key for *both* parties to have a complete understanding of what D/s means to them as individuals as well as generally - so as a submissive I'd expect to be quizzed about that in detail, and also afforded the opportunity to ask the same of a dominant.
In fact as important as what would you expect to be asked, is what questions would you ask of a prospective dominant?
I'd expect a full and open two way conversation covering everything from general perceptions and understanding, to limits, boundaries, aftercare, even specific details around types of play and dynamics etc
I've also found that both sides completing BDSM questionnaires to be a great way not only to compare notes, but also get a gauge of the type of person a prospective partner is and likely compatibility.
Anyone not willing to have those kind of in depth conversations would frankly not be for me."
Another perfect response, I love asking questions, sometimes Doms think they are testing me but just by the type of question they ask I can tell if they are someone Id want to play with. I ask far too many sometimes to the point they stop interacting x |
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By *inranWoman
over a year ago
Dudley |
For me I always start with their interests and experience to see if we have crossover worth digging deeper.
Then I ask their limits and views on marks. (I won't play if no marks because the chance of rope marking)
After that it's what their type of Domme is. I think with women people tend to expect someone in rubber telling them they are going to sit on their face mostly. If it's more about the look than the skills experience and manner I'm out. Same if they aren't selective about safety.
Then it's health and physical restrictions.
I like to video call some of this once we get to a certain point because I think it's easier to see what people are genuinely excited about and start learning how they work  |
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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago
Up on them there hills |
"[Removed by poster at 01/03/20 09:09:11]"
First I like to talk about their experience, journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, let’s make sure it is in the right direction type of thing.
Like to cover space and drop early on, both can be difficult to manage if not prepared.
Then if there is some form of cognitive connection, boundaries and safety.
Met my last submissive seven time before we fully connected. |
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By *inranWoman
over a year ago
Dudley |
"This is an excellent thread and similar to a thought provolone I read recently on a fet lifestyle site x
I believe that there are a number of key questions to be asked and issues and boundaries to be addressed in communication prior to a play date or training scenario
A good dominant should ask questions that will allow them greater access to the psyche and deeper interests and desires of the submissive
Start with questions that are simple and easy for the sub to respond to x such as tell me about your last submissive experience x what are your limits x do you enjoy being spanked etc etc x
Then questions should be self reflective for the sub as they begin to put their trust in the dominant x
Why do you think you would make a good submissive x what area of your training would you like to develop x how do you think your submissive gift would match my desires as a dominant x
By this time and from the answers collated both the dominant and the submissive should have established if they meet each other’s needs x
A true dominant will recognise the submissive quality they will extend and develop and the sub will have the desire to fulfil the dominant wishes x
This is such a wide and extensive subject and I look for to hearing others thoughts and replies x
A perfect response, sadly the type of questions I get asked are
"To prove you are submissive I want you to get f--ked by a bunch of men, this would please me"
Ive been asked it 3 times recently. Makes me feel sad as up to that point the conversation was going well. Im then told Im not a real sub because I wont do this task.
Ive had a few replies on here and what a difference between a Genuine Dom/Domme and fake ones. Thankyou for your reply.
I know the site you mentioned, will look to see If I can spot the writing on there x"
I think these are the same guys who tell me to do the same thing because I'm going to be their good sub.. I make it very clear I'm Domme.
I think it's less to do with their views of how subs should behave and more about their views on women
Ignore them you know that you are better than that and they aren't Doms they are Idiots. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"A question I used to ask when I was into that type of play was :- Would I be your only submissive or do you have multiple subs? At the time, it was important for me to be their only one. I feel you lose something within the dynamic if they have a few.
OP - the ones that told you you had to have a gangbang to prove yourself. That’s not true Domination. That’s just being a dick. "
Thankyou, sadly its those type of questions I get asked all the time.
Id only want one Dom, thats enough for me. I dont mind him having a couple of subs provided each was treated the same. X |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"This is an excellent thread and similar to a thought provolone I read recently on a fet lifestyle site x
I believe that there are a number of key questions to be asked and issues and boundaries to be addressed in communication prior to a play date or training scenario
A good dominant should ask questions that will allow them greater access to the psyche and deeper interests and desires of the submissive
Start with questions that are simple and easy for the sub to respond to x such as tell me about your last submissive experience x what are your limits x do you enjoy being spanked etc etc x
Then questions should be self reflective for the sub as they begin to put their trust in the dominant x
Why do you think you would make a good submissive x what area of your training would you like to develop x how do you think your submissive gift would match my desires as a dominant x
By this time and from the answers collated both the dominant and the submissive should have established if they meet each other’s needs x
A true dominant will recognise the submissive quality they will extend and develop and the sub will have the desire to fulfil the dominant wishes x
This is such a wide and extensive subject and I look for to hearing others thoughts and replies x
A perfect response, sadly the type of questions I get asked are
"To prove you are submissive I want you to get f--ked by a bunch of men, this would please me"
Ive been asked it 3 times recently. Makes me feel sad as up to that point the conversation was going well. Im then told Im not a real sub because I wont do this task.
Ive had a few replies on here and what a difference between a Genuine Dom/Domme and fake ones. Thankyou for your reply.
I know the site you mentioned, will look to see If I can spot the writing on there x
It saddens me when I read your reply x
Your profile is carefully written
You express your wishes desires and interests
You are clearly no fool or an object
So why would anyone ask such childish things of you x
To many people read a chapter of 50 shades and think it transfers to the real world x
Good luck on your journey and keep blocking the haters and the fakers x"
Thankyou so much, sadly my profile scares alot of men off. Some think Im to experienced or looking for something serious. Id like a Dom of course but happy for part time play. One offs dont work as you cant learn about each others tastes from a single BDSM session xx |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"It's always key for *both* parties to have a complete understanding of what D/s means to them as individuals as well as generally - so as a submissive I'd expect to be quizzed about that in detail, and also afforded the opportunity to ask the same of a dominant.
In fact as important as what would you expect to be asked, is what questions would you ask of a prospective dominant?
I'd expect a full and open two way conversation covering everything from general perceptions and understanding, to limits, boundaries, aftercare, even specific details around types of play and dynamics etc
I've also found that both sides completing BDSM questionnaires to be a great way not only to compare notes, but also get a gauge of the type of person a prospective partner is and likely compatibility.
Anyone not willing to have those kind of in depth conversations would frankly not be for me.
Another perfect response, I love asking questions, sometimes Doms think they are testing me but just by the type of question they ask I can tell if they are someone Id want to play with. I ask far too many sometimes to the point they stop interacting x "
Thank you, and from my perspective you can never ask "too many" questions, and also the only stupid question is the one you don't ask - so anyone that stopped interacting with me because I was asking questions wouldn't be for me anyway.
If I'm going to place *my* body in the control of someone else, I want to be as certain as I can that they're going to take good care of it |
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"If you was Dominant and looking for a new submissive what questions would you ask them to see if she's suitable and compatible with you?
I've recently been asked questions that I wasnt happy about. He moved on
It got me thinking about the type of sub I am.
So what would you ask or even find inappropriate and has nothing to do with you being a good submissive ?"
By what I read you know what your doing and looking for. Just keep doing it be safe. I ask a lot questions and listen to what they say and ask. After care is very important to me. I have very bad drops.
Gemini man is the best for give advice on this stuff |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"For me I always start with their interests and experience to see if we have crossover worth digging deeper.
Then I ask their limits and views on marks. (I won't play if no marks because the chance of rope marking)
After that it's what their type of Domme is. I think with women people tend to expect someone in rubber telling them they are going to sit on their face mostly. If it's more about the look than the skills experience and manner I'm out. Same if they aren't selective about safety.
Then it's health and physical restrictions.
I like to video call some of this once we get to a certain point because I think it's easier to see what people are genuinely excited about and start learning how they work "
A very good reply, I like marks especially rope marks.
A video call is a great idea too xx |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"If you was Dominant and looking for a new submissive what questions would you ask them to see if she's suitable and compatible with you?
I've recently been asked questions that I wasnt happy about. He moved on
It got me thinking about the type of sub I am.
So what would you ask or even find inappropriate and has nothing to do with you being a good submissive ?
By what I read you know what your doing and looking for. Just keep doing it be safe. I ask a lot questions and listen to what they say and ask. After care is very important to me. I have very bad drops.
Gemini man is the best for give advice on this stuff"
I can drop badly sometimes too. I will read his reply now and thsnkyou xx |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"It's always key for *both* parties to have a complete understanding of what D/s means to them as individuals as well as generally - so as a submissive I'd expect to be quizzed about that in detail, and also afforded the opportunity to ask the same of a dominant.
In fact as important as what would you expect to be asked, is what questions would you ask of a prospective dominant?
I'd expect a full and open two way conversation covering everything from general perceptions and understanding, to limits, boundaries, aftercare, even specific details around types of play and dynamics etc
I've also found that both sides completing BDSM questionnaires to be a great way not only to compare notes, but also get a gauge of the type of person a prospective partner is and likely compatibility.
Anyone not willing to have those kind of in depth conversations would frankly not be for me.
Another perfect response, I love asking questions, sometimes Doms think they are testing me but just by the type of question they ask I can tell if they are someone Id want to play with. I ask far too many sometimes to the point they stop interacting x
Thank you, and from my perspective you can never ask "too many" questions, and also the only stupid question is the one you don't ask - so anyone that stopped interacting with me because I was asking questions wouldn't be for me anyway.
If I'm going to place *my* body in the control of someone else, I want to be as certain as I can that they're going to take good care of it"
Sounds perfect,Ive trusted to easily over the years and been hurt. Its how I can spot a dangerous Dom by his questions. My biggest problem is im attracted to Narcissists and the Doms I go for are that sadly. Im getting better now though x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This is the reason I stopped looking for a dominant. Too many men class themselves as dominant without a clue of what it actually means and the responsibility that it holds. |
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By *uke OzadeMan
over a year ago
Ho Chi Minge City |
"This is the reason I stopped looking for a dominant. Too many men class themselves as dominant without a clue of what it actually means and the responsibility that it holds. "
It’s about a high level of trust and with that should also come a great deal of reassurance, particularly afterwards when the sub is most vulnerable to a downer. I think that’s what a lot of people who don’t know what they’re doing don’t realise. |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"Sounds perfect,Ive trusted to easily over the years and been hurt. Its how I can spot a dangerous Dom by his questions. My biggest problem is im attracted to Narcissists and the Doms I go for are that sadly. Im getting better now though x"
The thing is meeting through sites like this there is an element of trust required, and it's also easy to get caught up in the excitement of someone that *seems* to be on your wavelength - but you have to take that leap of faith at some point or you'd never meet anyone - so being ready and able to ask key questions and satisfy yourself as much as possible that someone is who they portray themselves to be is important. And that applies whether it's a vanilla meet let alone BDSM, where it's even more important.
There are of course the obvious warning signs ("You can't be a true sub if you won't..." kind of thing), it's the more subtle ones you have to watch out for and draw out through questions and taking your time and not placing yourself in risky situations etc.
Informing yourself enough to give consent is key - and that can take many forms, knowledge of the dynamic, knowledge of the dominant, and self-awareness too. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"This is the reason I stopped looking for a dominant. Too many men class themselves as dominant without a clue of what it actually means and the responsibility that it holds. "
Dadly its a Dominant thst exvites me I cant do vanilla, I crave BDSM but sadly it attracts so many men who've no clue. They become mentally abusive xx |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"This is the reason I stopped looking for a dominant. Too many men class themselves as dominant without a clue of what it actually means and the responsibility that it holds.
It’s about a high level of trust and with that should also come a great deal of reassurance, particularly afterwards when the sub is most vulnerable to a downer. I think that’s what a lot of people who don’t know what they’re doing don’t realise. "
So many dont know or understand aftercare, its one of the most important aspects a Dom should know. A sub too tbh, they need to be aware that it should be happening and how important it is especially when they are dropping x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"This is the reason I stopped looking for a dominant. Too many men class themselves as dominant without a clue of what it actually means and the responsibility that it holds.
Dadly its a Dominant thst exvites me I cant do vanilla, I crave BDSM but sadly it attracts so many men who've no clue. They become mentally abusive xx"
Oh I get that, me too but I've found showing guys who are naturally dominant what I like over searching for a actual dominant has worked better for me recently. |
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If they provide no aftercare then its more detrimental to the mental health of the Sub and they will seek the wrong kind of dominant in the future if they dont know any better.
Dominance isn't about being abusive or getting what the dominant wants only but mutual pleasure for both the dom and the sub.
How can trust of boundaries be met if the dom isn't looking out for the sub and the subs mindset during and after? |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"This is the reason I stopped looking for a dominant. Too many men class themselves as dominant without a clue of what it actually means and the responsibility that it holds.
Dadly its a Dominant thst exvites me I cant do vanilla, I crave BDSM but sadly it attracts so many men who've no clue. They become mentally abusive xx"
Sadly there are those on *both* sides of the coin that have come to BDSM having seen the stereotyped images of it in porn, or other media and don't take their time to further their knowledge beyond that - luckily they are quite easy to spot with a few well placed questions.
The more dangerous ones though are those that have a little more knowledge and awareness of the dynamic and that's where spending time asking lots, getting an idea of "their" version of BDSM, and comparing it to your own for compatability comes into play - "their" version may not be wrong as such, just wrong for you. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Sounds perfect,Ive trusted to easily over the years and been hurt. Its how I can spot a dangerous Dom by his questions. My biggest problem is im attracted to Narcissists and the Doms I go for are that sadly. Im getting better now though x
The thing is meeting through sites like this there is an element of trust required, and it's also easy to get caught up in the excitement of someone that *seems* to be on your wavelength - but you have to take that leap of faith at some point or you'd never meet anyone - so being ready and able to ask key questions and satisfy yourself as much as possible that someone is who they portray themselves to be is important. And that applies whether it's a vanilla meet let alone BDSM, where it's even more important.
There are of course the obvious warning signs ("You can't be a true sub if you won't..." kind of thing), it's the more subtle ones you have to watch out for and draw out through questions and taking your time and not placing yourself in risky situations etc.
Informing yourself enough to give consent is key - and that can take many forms, knowledge of the dynamic, knowledge of the dominant, and self-awareness too."
I always get "you cant be a genuine sub if you" or how open minded are you for a sub?
Its crazy tbh on here.
Alot like outside play, Im not fussy so again I cant be a real sub. Sometimes I doubt myself , alot are manipulative and get in my head, they are the dangerous ones xx |
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"Sounds perfect,Ive trusted to easily over the years and been hurt. Its how I can spot a dangerous Dom by his questions. My biggest problem is im attracted to Narcissists and the Doms I go for are that sadly. Im getting better now though x
The thing is meeting through sites like this there is an element of trust required, and it's also easy to get caught up in the excitement of someone that *seems* to be on your wavelength - but you have to take that leap of faith at some point or you'd never meet anyone - so being ready and able to ask key questions and satisfy yourself as much as possible that someone is who they portray themselves to be is important. And that applies whether it's a vanilla meet let alone BDSM, where it's even more important.
There are of course the obvious warning signs ("You can't be a true sub if you won't..." kind of thing), it's the more subtle ones you have to watch out for and draw out through questions and taking your time and not placing yourself in risky situations etc.
Informing yourself enough to give consent is key - and that can take many forms, knowledge of the dynamic, knowledge of the dominant, and self-awareness too.
I always get "you cant be a genuine sub if you" or how open minded are you for a sub?
Its crazy tbh on here.
Alot like outside play, Im not fussy so again I cant be a real sub. Sometimes I doubt myself , alot are manipulative and get in my head, they are the dangerous ones xx"
No need to doubt yourself they are pushing their desires and kinks into you which you don't want.
Doesnt make you any less of a sub just makes you not THEIR sub! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Sounds perfect,Ive trusted to easily over the years and been hurt. Its how I can spot a dangerous Dom by his questions. My biggest problem is im attracted to Narcissists and the Doms I go for are that sadly. Im getting better now though x
The thing is meeting through sites like this there is an element of trust required, and it's also easy to get caught up in the excitement of someone that *seems* to be on your wavelength - but you have to take that leap of faith at some point or you'd never meet anyone - so being ready and able to ask key questions and satisfy yourself as much as possible that someone is who they portray themselves to be is important. And that applies whether it's a vanilla meet let alone BDSM, where it's even more important.
There are of course the obvious warning signs ("You can't be a true sub if you won't..." kind of thing), it's the more subtle ones you have to watch out for and draw out through questions and taking your time and not placing yourself in risky situations etc.
Informing yourself enough to give consent is key - and that can take many forms, knowledge of the dynamic, knowledge of the dominant, and self-awareness too.
I always get "you cant be a genuine sub if you" or how open minded are you for a sub?
Its crazy tbh on here.
Alot like outside play, Im not fussy so again I cant be a real sub. Sometimes I doubt myself , alot are manipulative and get in my head, they are the dangerous ones xx
No need to doubt yourself they are pushing their desires and kinks into you which you don't want.
Doesnt make you any less of a sub just makes you not THEIR sub!"
Thankyou lovely, im such a pleaser though and always feel like ive failed as a sub because of what they ask. X |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"
I always get "you cant be a genuine sub if you" or how open minded are you for a sub?
Its crazy tbh on here.
Alot like outside play, Im not fussy so again I cant be a real sub. Sometimes I doubt myself , alot are manipulative and get in my head, they are the dangerous ones xx"
Never doubt yourself, you're the one person who knows you better than anyone else.
Frankly anyone that says "You can't be a true submissive..." needs to be run away from.
The only "true submissive" is you, and the submissive *you* have chosen to be - and the only person that can tell you what that is, is you.
As I said in my other post though, the dangerous ones are those that have a level of knowledge and seek to manipulate and those aren't quite so easy to spot.
It's also important to recognise a difference between "manipulating" and nurturing/pushing boundaries from a position of control and respect - they are distinctly different but potentially easily confused, one can be a good thing, but the other is obviously not. |
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Initially I would expect to leave the labels at the door. I would want to get a sense of them as a person, if I did not like them enough to spend time with them socially I would not want to engage in BDSM with them.
If there was sufficient connection to want to proceed to play then pragmatic questions as above but specifically focusing on what their triggers are assuming they have some experience.
I would want to be very clear on ALL areas of consent, activity limits especially sexual ones as there is no defence after the fact.
|
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"Sounds perfect,Ive trusted to easily over the years and been hurt. Its how I can spot a dangerous Dom by his questions. My biggest problem is im attracted to Narcissists and the Doms I go for are that sadly. Im getting better now though x
The thing is meeting through sites like this there is an element of trust required, and it's also easy to get caught up in the excitement of someone that *seems* to be on your wavelength - but you have to take that leap of faith at some point or you'd never meet anyone - so being ready and able to ask key questions and satisfy yourself as much as possible that someone is who they portray themselves to be is important. And that applies whether it's a vanilla meet let alone BDSM, where it's even more important.
There are of course the obvious warning signs ("You can't be a true sub if you won't..." kind of thing), it's the more subtle ones you have to watch out for and draw out through questions and taking your time and not placing yourself in risky situations etc.
Informing yourself enough to give consent is key - and that can take many forms, knowledge of the dynamic, knowledge of the dominant, and self-awareness too.
I always get "you cant be a genuine sub if you" or how open minded are you for a sub?
Its crazy tbh on here.
Alot like outside play, Im not fussy so again I cant be a real sub. Sometimes I doubt myself , alot are manipulative and get in my head, they are the dangerous ones xx
No need to doubt yourself they are pushing their desires and kinks into you which you don't want.
Doesnt make you any less of a sub just makes you not THEIR sub!
Thankyou lovely, im such a pleaser though and always feel like ive failed as a sub because of what they ask. X"
I totally understand that, I'm so eager to please that any refusal to do something felt like a failure on my behalf. But I think that being submissive doesn't mean you have no right over your own body. End of the day those to dismiss as a not true sub, are only exposing themselves as ineffective Dom's who don't deserve your submission.
We are in a D/s relationship we've decided what that looks like to us. Sure it would wrong and not true to some, but as with everything in life, there is no one way |
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"If they approach me, the very first thing I would ask is; what is it that YOU look for in a dominant. There are plenty of assumptions I could make and many things that I feel a submissive needs but, assumptions are never a good thing.
If I approach them; firstly, introduce myself, explaining exactly why I am approaching them - what attracted me to them and let things go from there.
But there should never be a time where the dominant ever stops asking questions of the submissive and the submissive should always be encouraged to ask questions of the dominant. It's a relationship and as every relationship goes there must be open dialogue and communication.
Thats a fantastic answer, Im constantly wanting to learn, I love questions, I love a Dom also wanting to know about me xx"
They should do.Its a 2 way process |
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"Sounds perfect,Ive trusted to easily over the years and been hurt. Its how I can spot a dangerous Dom by his questions. My biggest problem is im attracted to Narcissists and the Doms I go for are that sadly. Im getting better now though x
The thing is meeting through sites like this there is an element of trust required, and it's also easy to get caught up in the excitement of someone that *seems* to be on your wavelength - but you have to take that leap of faith at some point or you'd never meet anyone - so being ready and able to ask key questions and satisfy yourself as much as possible that someone is who they portray themselves to be is important. And that applies whether it's a vanilla meet let alone BDSM, where it's even more important.
There are of course the obvious warning signs ("You can't be a true sub if you won't..." kind of thing), it's the more subtle ones you have to watch out for and draw out through questions and taking your time and not placing yourself in risky situations etc.
Informing yourself enough to give consent is key - and that can take many forms, knowledge of the dynamic, knowledge of the dominant, and self-awareness too.
I always get "you cant be a genuine sub if you" or how open minded are you for a sub?
Its crazy tbh on here.
Alot like outside play, Im not fussy so again I cant be a real sub. Sometimes I doubt myself , alot are manipulative and get in my head, they are the dangerous ones xx
No need to doubt yourself they are pushing their desires and kinks into you which you don't want.
Doesnt make you any less of a sub just makes you not THEIR sub!
Thankyou lovely, im such a pleaser though and always feel like ive failed as a sub because of what they ask. X"
Yes its that people pleasing they are aiming for and looking to manipulate.
You haven't failed as a sub. They've failed more as a dom by not understanding what your limits are. Pushing them is one thing. Forcing them is another.
Just because you are a submissive doesnt mean you have to say yes to everything. Even during you can say no once you have tried it and they should respect stop and reflect and start aftercare.
Everyone has limitations on both sides if there isn't then it's not a safe environment for anyone let alone the sub.
There are different types of subs just like there are different types of doms. It's all about the dynamic you create and want to explore. Always discuss first before jumping into it so you can research it if it's for you without the pressure of just having to obey. |
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"Sounds perfect,Ive trusted to easily over the years and been hurt. Its how I can spot a dangerous Dom by his questions. My biggest problem is im attracted to Narcissists and the Doms I go for are that sadly. Im getting better now though x
The thing is meeting through sites like this there is an element of trust required, and it's also easy to get caught up in the excitement of someone that *seems* to be on your wavelength - but you have to take that leap of faith at some point or you'd never meet anyone - so being ready and able to ask key questions and satisfy yourself as much as possible that someone is who they portray themselves to be is important. And that applies whether it's a vanilla meet let alone BDSM, where it's even more important.
There are of course the obvious warning signs ("You can't be a true sub if you won't..." kind of thing), it's the more subtle ones you have to watch out for and draw out through questions and taking your time and not placing yourself in risky situations etc.
Informing yourself enough to give consent is key - and that can take many forms, knowledge of the dynamic, knowledge of the dominant, and self-awareness too.
I always get "you cant be a genuine sub if you" or how open minded are you for a sub?
Its crazy tbh on here.
Alot like outside play, Im not fussy so again I cant be a real sub. Sometimes I doubt myself , alot are manipulative and get in my head, they are the dangerous ones xx
No need to doubt yourself they are pushing their desires and kinks into you which you don't want.
Doesnt make you any less of a sub just makes you not THEIR sub!
Thankyou lovely, im such a pleaser though and always feel like ive failed as a sub because of what they ask. X
Yes its that people pleasing they are aiming for and looking to manipulate.
You haven't failed as a sub. They've failed more as a dom by not understanding what your limits are. Pushing them is one thing. Forcing them is another.
Just because you are a submissive doesnt mean you have to say yes to everything. Even during you can say no once you have tried it and they should respect stop and reflect and start aftercare.
Everyone has limitations on both sides if there isn't then it's not a safe environment for anyone let alone the sub.
There are different types of subs just like there are different types of doms. It's all about the dynamic you create and want to explore. Always discuss first before jumping into it so you can research it if it's for you without the pressure of just having to obey."
Spot on |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"
I always get "you cant be a genuine sub if you" or how open minded are you for a sub?
Its crazy tbh on here.
Alot like outside play, Im not fussy so again I cant be a real sub. Sometimes I doubt myself , alot are manipulative and get in my head, they are the dangerous ones xx
Never doubt yourself, you're the one person who knows you better than anyone else.
Frankly anyone that says "You can't be a true submissive..." needs to be run away from.
The only "true submissive" is you, and the submissive *you* have chosen to be - and the only person that can tell you what that is, is you.
As I said in my other post though, the dangerous ones are those that have a level of knowledge and seek to manipulate and those aren't quite so easy to spot.
It's also important to recognise a difference between "manipulating" and nurturing/pushing boundaries from a position of control and respect - they are distinctly different but potentially easily confused, one can be a good thing, but the other is obviously not."
It's also hsrd to recognise a difference between "manipulating" and nurturing/pushing boundaries . They are perfect in the begining but once they have got in my head thats when they show another side. Ive wavered safe words before now, believing its my idea as Im want to please, when in reality its them planting the seed in my head. That wont happen again xx |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Initially I would expect to leave the labels at the door. I would want to get a sense of them as a person, if I did not like them enough to spend time with them socially I would not want to engage in BDSM with them.
If there was sufficient connection to want to proceed to play then pragmatic questions as above but specifically focusing on what their triggers are assuming they have some experience.
I would want to be very clear on ALL areas of consent, activity limits especially sexual ones as there is no defence after the fact.
"
For me I need to know from the beginning about the type of Dom they are. Im happy knowing more as the conversation progresses. Its BDSM thats the main factor I need from a Dom.xx |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Sounds perfect,Ive trusted to easily over the years and been hurt. Its how I can spot a dangerous Dom by his questions. My biggest problem is im attracted to Narcissists and the Doms I go for are that sadly. Im getting better now though x
The thing is meeting through sites like this there is an element of trust required, and it's also easy to get caught up in the excitement of someone that *seems* to be on your wavelength - but you have to take that leap of faith at some point or you'd never meet anyone - so being ready and able to ask key questions and satisfy yourself as much as possible that someone is who they portray themselves to be is important. And that applies whether it's a vanilla meet let alone BDSM, where it's even more important.
There are of course the obvious warning signs ("You can't be a true sub if you won't..." kind of thing), it's the more subtle ones you have to watch out for and draw out through questions and taking your time and not placing yourself in risky situations etc.
Informing yourself enough to give consent is key - and that can take many forms, knowledge of the dynamic, knowledge of the dominant, and self-awareness too.
I always get "you cant be a genuine sub if you" or how open minded are you for a sub?
Its crazy tbh on here.
Alot like outside play, Im not fussy so again I cant be a real sub. Sometimes I doubt myself , alot are manipulative and get in my head, they are the dangerous ones xx
No need to doubt yourself they are pushing their desires and kinks into you which you don't want.
Doesnt make you any less of a sub just makes you not THEIR sub!
Thankyou lovely, im such a pleaser though and always feel like ive failed as a sub because of what they ask. X
I totally understand that, I'm so eager to please that any refusal to do something felt like a failure on my behalf. But I think that being submissive doesn't mean you have no right over your own body. End of the day those to dismiss as a not true sub, are only exposing themselves as ineffective Dom's who don't deserve your submission.
We are in a D/s relationship we've decided what that looks like to us. Sure it would wrong and not true to some, but as with everything in life, there is no one way "
I absolutely love pleasing, its just finding thst one special Dom. Its more then a needle in a haystack but I love meeting lovely people on the way xx |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"
It's also important to recognise a difference between "manipulating" and nurturing/pushing boundaries from a position of control and respect - they are distinctly different but potentially easily confused, one can be a good thing, but the other is obviously not.
It's also hard to recognise a difference between "manipulating" and nurturing/pushing boundaries . They are perfect in the begining but once they have got in my head thats when they show another side. Ive wavered safe words before now, believing its my idea as Im want to please, when in reality its them planting the seed in my head. That wont happen again xx"
It is hard to spot the difference in those cases and there's no real way to be able to do so easily apart from asking continual questions and using your own judgement and discretion and not being scared to say "no" if you're not comfortable - the "right" dominant will understand that and take time to discuss and further their understanding - the "wrong" type will ignore and try and make you feel bad.
What you have to remember and remind yourself is that just because you are submissive in nature does *not* mean you are weak, or can't have a mind of your own. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Why do you want to be MY submissive?
What do you think I can do for you?
Tell me of a scenario you can imagine involving the two of us.
A painless way to see if we’re on the same wavelength. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Why do you want to be MY submissive?
What do you think I can do for you?
Tell me of a scenario you can imagine involving the two of us.
A painless way to see if we’re on the same wavelength."
Good questions xx |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
Thankyou so much to everyone who replied to my post. I pondered even whether I was brave enough to put something up on the lounge.
I know for sure now when Im asked to f--k someone else to please the Dom or im not a real sub I know what my reply will be. It be more then just a good bye |
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"When I used to domme more than I do now I used to interview all prospective subs over a coffee.
From memory I'd ask
What were they looking for?
What was their previous experience?
What were their expectations?
What were their "hard nos"?
Any allergies or phobias?
Then I'd tell them what I did and didn't do and what my expectations were and if there was compatibility we'd take it from there.
Once you've had that conversation you've got a clear idea of expectations and boundaries and saves any confusion later.
Good luck OP
"
 |
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I’ve had to stop my quest in looking for a Dom, I had 2 encounters that were... dangerous? Guys who thought they were Dom but probably more sadists.
The answers here are fab though, I’ve taken note. |
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By *ensualMan
over a year ago
Sutton |
I don't have a questions I have a process.
First comparison of the results of the standard BDSM test to see if we are on the same wavelength.
Then just a general discussion over texts to see if we get on.
Then if we seem to get on, and both are agreeable then a social at a vanilla place to see if we enjoy reach others company.
If we do enjoy each others company I send two questionnaires the first is a comprehensive A to Z of play. It can be ticked 'yes', 'no' or 'may try'. It also covers the health and other aspects. The second questionaire covers needs and wants. In brief what type of relationship is being looked for? What is necessary to make the relationship work? How do you want to feel from the relationship and from play? This is only a short summary of a longer document.
We then work through the answers to the documents together at a neutral venue (where you can t be overheard) and then we can decide whether to move further.
As I am into edge play, I need to make sure we both know what we are getting into.
I would make two points.
Aftercare may or may not be important, some people want it, some don't. Some people are able to give it some may not (A dom may be on the autistic spectrum). The question should be asked by either side if it is essential.
I really don't believe in "True doms" as usually in a dom it is a self reference and in sub it is a reference to the type of dom they like. The issue is to find the people with whom you are compatible.
Lastly there are absolutely no guarantees that you can avoid running into someone who will do you harm. One social will not out a patient abuser. Nor will a series of questions as most successful abusers are intelligent and superficially charming. Therefore it is important to take time and try to get to know the whole person and to be clear on what is and what is not acceptable to you.
|
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By *atenaWoman
over a year ago
Hyde |
Such a great thread....
I try to le out the instant wannabes with a questions about 50 shades of grey and also If they’re on fet(life) website.
I am active in the Manchester bdsm scene, so can check them out if they are too. If they aren’t I’d ask why - I understand it’s not for everyone but meeting at a munch and laying at a kink event the first time is way safer.
And any Dom worth their salt would want it to be as safe as possible for both. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Such a great thread....
I try to le out the instant wannabes with a questions about 50 shades of grey and also If they’re on fet(life) website.
I am active in the Manchester bdsm scene, so can check them out if they are too. If they aren’t I’d ask why - I understand it’s not for everyone but meeting at a munch and laying at a kink event the first time is way safer.
And any Dom worth their salt would want it to be as safe as possible for both. "
Im exactly the same, im on that bdsm site FL too. When a apparent genuine Dom comes aling and hes never heard of the workds biggest BDSM site it makes me wonder lol
A genuine Dom would be on the scene and probably attend BDSM clubs and attend munches.Ive found a few in both sites and they are definitely experienced x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I don't have a questions I have a process.
First comparison of the results of the standard BDSM test to see if we are on the same wavelength.
Then just a general discussion over texts to see if we get on.
Then if we seem to get on, and both are agreeable then a social at a vanilla place to see if we enjoy reach others company.
If we do enjoy each others company I send two questionnaires the first is a comprehensive A to Z of play. It can be ticked 'yes', 'no' or 'may try'. It also covers the health and other aspects. The second questionaire covers needs and wants. In brief what type of relationship is being looked for? What is necessary to make the relationship work? How do you want to feel from the relationship and from play? This is only a short summary of a longer document.
We then work through the answers to the documents together at a neutral venue (where you can t be overheard) and then we can decide whether to move further.
As I am into edge play, I need to make sure we both know what we are getting into.
I would make two points.
Aftercare may or may not be important, some people want it, some don't. Some people are able to give it some may not (A dom may be on the autistic spectrum). The question should be asked by either side if it is essential.
I really don't believe in "True doms" as usually in a dom it is a self reference and in sub it is a reference to the type of dom they like. The issue is to find the people with whom you are compatible.
Lastly there are absolutely no guarantees that you can avoid running into someone who will do you harm. One social will not out a patient abuser. Nor will a series of questions as most successful abusers are intelligent and superficially charming. Therefore it is important to take time and try to get to know the whole person and to be clear on what is and what is not acceptable to you.
"
Why are you not living near me in Wales
All the above is written perfectly x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Fiesta fox ive just tried to PM you as we aren’t a million miles away, but you’ve blocked women. The 2 ‘doms’ I’ve had difficulty with were both off here "
I will message you now lovely xx |
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By *ensualMan
over a year ago
Sutton |
"I don't have a questions I have a process.
First comparison of the results of the standard BDSM test to see if we are on the same wavelength.
Then just a general discussion over texts to see if we get on.
Then if we seem to get on, and both are agreeable then a social at a vanilla place to see if we enjoy reach others company.
If we do enjoy each others company I send two questionnaires the first is a comprehensive A to Z of play. It can be ticked 'yes', 'no' or 'may try'. It also covers the health and other aspects. The second questionaire covers needs and wants. In brief what type of relationship is being looked for? What is necessary to make the relationship work? How do you want to feel from the relationship and from play? This is only a short summary of a longer document.
We then work through the answers to the documents together at a neutral venue (where you can t be overheard) and then we can decide whether to move further.
As I am into edge play, I need to make sure we both know what we are getting into.
I would make two points.
Aftercare may or may not be important, some people want it, some don't. Some people are able to give it some may not (A dom may be on the autistic spectrum). The question should be asked by either side if it is essential.
I really don't believe in "True doms" as usually in a dom it is a self reference and in sub it is a reference to the type of dom they like. The issue is to find the people with whom you are compatible.
Lastly there are absolutely no guarantees that you can avoid running into someone who will do you harm. One social will not out a patient abuser. Nor will a series of questions as most successful abusers are intelligent and superficially charming. Therefore it is important to take time and try to get to know the whole person and to be clear on what is and what is not acceptable to you.
Why are you not living near me in Wales
All the above is written perfectly x"
Thank you, it is the law of Fab that people one likes are always miles away.?? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I don't have a questions I have a process.
First comparison of the results of the standard BDSM test to see if we are on the same wavelength.
Then just a general discussion over texts to see if we get on.
Then if we seem to get on, and both are agreeable then a social at a vanilla place to see if we enjoy reach others company.
If we do enjoy each others company I send two questionnaires the first is a comprehensive A to Z of play. It can be ticked 'yes', 'no' or 'may try'. It also covers the health and other aspects. The second questionaire covers needs and wants. In brief what type of relationship is being looked for? What is necessary to make the relationship work? How do you want to feel from the relationship and from play? This is only a short summary of a longer document.
We then work through the answers to the documents together at a neutral venue (where you can t be overheard) and then we can decide whether to move further.
As I am into edge play, I need to make sure we both know what we are getting into.
I would make two points.
Aftercare may or may not be important, some people want it, some don't. Some people are able to give it some may not (A dom may be on the autistic spectrum). The question should be asked by either side if it is essential.
I really don't believe in "True doms" as usually in a dom it is a self reference and in sub it is a reference to the type of dom they like. The issue is to find the people with whom you are compatible.
Lastly there are absolutely no guarantees that you can avoid running into someone who will do you harm. One social will not out a patient abuser. Nor will a series of questions as most successful abusers are intelligent and superficially charming. Therefore it is important to take time and try to get to know the whole person and to be clear on what is and what is not acceptable to you.
Why are you not living near me in Wales
All the above is written perfectly x
Thank you, it is the law of Fab that people one likes are always miles away.??"
Story of my life lol |
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