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Best friend
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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You don't have to read all of this. I just feel like ranting but feel free to comment!
After growing up together I don't know what to do. As friends we have had so much fun and shared so many memories. We have never went a day without talking to each other and seeing how each of us was doing. The shared hugs and the damp shoulders of previous tears. It would seem that only a end of the world event would stop our friendship.
But then she changed.. She got a really great job. Which came with a lot of money. She surrounds heeself with material objects and holds herself to a higher standard. Our conversations of our dreams and goals in life became of judging others of less fortune.
Now all she talks about is how much better she is than everyone else. How everyone below with lower incomes are basically stupid and can't think for themselves. She has bought a flash new car. Expensive new clothes. In her words to show everyone else that she is better and richer.
For some reason I cant fantom why. She still finds a few hours of every other week to message me or stop by. I now feel pressured to not show any weakness and the ugly things you say about people hit barriers of disgust and understanding. I just mumble fake agreement.
She now makes fun of those who take depression medication and say it's false hope and a lazy excuse to face reality. I don't tell her I take medication.
She makes fun of people who work at minimum wage jobs. I think that's a blessing that they have a job and are working.
She cracks jokes and laughs at people who aren't dressed well.
She makes fun of women and calls them names because they fall for broken relationships or judges them for being with a guy who turns out to be a monster. It's as if she hints this at me because I have kids from a broken relationship.
I don't know why she still calls or comes around. I am obviously no longer in her league. Sure we grew up together and knew each other inside out. But she changed and it doesn't fit with what I actually want from my life. I myself have grown and have many nice things that I know other people wish they had. I do not take pride in them or show off though.. I know they are material and nothing more and I never look at someone who has less. She forgets that she was once like others. Not a lot of money and having to work hard for what she wants.
Is it so wrong of me that deep down I wish she would lose it all? Of course it is... but would it do her some good for that ego? I think yes. Maybe I just need to walk away from her at this point in my life. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sounds like you have grown apart.
But she obviously still holds you in high regard as she still finds time for you.
Maybe she doesnt see you like the people she speaks of, as such?
Maybe her friendship has blinded her or her other friends also are materialistic and therefore it's a norm to her?
Sounds like you care very much for her, so just be there for her when she needs a friend but try to just get on your life without her.
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I don't think it's wrong to think that. It seems pretty natural to want people who put themselves on a pedestal to be brought down a peg or two. I think there are a lot of people who could do with that, especially rich people who want tax cuts at the expense of the poor. Luke |
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"She forgets that she was once like others. Not a lot of money and having to work hard for what she wants.
She now makes fun of those who take depression medication and say it's false hope and a lazy excuse to face reality. I don't tell her I take medication.
She makes fun of people who work at minimum wage jobs. I think that's a blessing that they have a job and are working.
She cracks jokes and laughs at people who aren't dressed well.
She makes fun of women and calls them names because they fall for broken relationships or judges them for being with a guy who turns out to be a monster. It's as if she hints this at me because I have kids from a broken relationship.
I don't know why she still calls or comes around. I am obviously no longer in her league. Sure we grew up together and knew each other inside out. But she changed and it doesn't fit with what I actually want from my life. I myself have grown and have many nice things that I know other people wish they had. I do not take pride in them or show off though.. I know they are material and nothing more and I never look at someone who has less. She forgets that she was once like others. Not a lot of money and having to work hard for what she wants.
Is it so wrong of me that deep down I wish she would lose it all? Of course it is... but would it do her some good for that ego? I think yes. Maybe I just need to walk away from her at this point in my life."
She needs reminding of what she once was and now has become the monsters that picked on her as you grew up.
You will have something in memory that this happened so use it lightly to show her. |
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"I would have to say something.....
Knowing me it'd actually be quite a lot  "
I would too basically because I would feel like it's a snide jab at me for not achieving that success like they had, butni would say instantly that money makes you a worse person, character and personality make you better |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I would say that she may be hiding the fact that shes struggling - a job and money has got her loads of material stuff but is she happy? Is she taking the piss out of others and criticising to hide her own shortcomings, worries or fears. You are the only constant and she may be seeing you as a link to a happy time so needs to speak to you regularly.
Obviously I might be completely wrong!
I'd have an honest (not easy) chat to say that you are uncomfortable with some of the things she says, respect her and the face that she has achieved what she has, but ask her if shes happy and tell her that you miss the old days. Ball's in her court then to make an effort to keep the friendship. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Maybe shes looking for you to bite?
Snobs like to see those below them feel shit because it boosts their own ego.
If it was me I'd show her how proud you are to be you, your class or status etc, and be happy with yourself. If she doesnt like it she can stop calling round.
I stopped caring what people thought of me a long time ago when I realised there is no point worrying about what you can control in life.
You cant control the weather, the world, the war, or what people think or perceive of you, you cant make or control anyones feelings towards you
There are two things we can truely control in life, our thoughts and our actions.
The rest is a waste of anxiety
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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She actually sounds very unhappy to be honest. Money is not everything and can actually make you very sad. I would probably be honest with her and tell her how she is making you feel. You have nothing to lose as clearly you have already lost the person she once was. It will either break your friendship completely, which might be good for you. Or it will give her a reality check she needs.
I had a similar situation and lost my best friend just after Xmas. But I feel better for it although still sad on some days xx |
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"Maybe shes looking for you to bite?
Snobs like to see those below them feel shit because it boosts their own ego.
If it was me I'd show her how proud you are to be you, your class or status etc, and be happy with yourself. If she doesnt like it she can stop calling round.
I stopped caring what people thought of me a long time ago when I realised there is no point worrying about what you can control in life.
You cant control the weather, the world, the war, or what people think or perceive of you, you cant make or control anyones feelings towards you
There are two things we can truely control in life, our thoughts and our actions.
The rest is a waste of anxiety
"
Perfect analogy, money means nothing, its who you associate with and how you spend your time that creates happiness, not a plastic card or paper notes |
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It doesn't sound like the worst thing to want her to lose it all so I wouldn't lose sleep over it. But you can talk to her and let her know that her new attitude makes the relationship difficult. But the option to just leave a bad relationship is also there |
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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago
South Wales |
She sounds toxic. I’d be long gone.
People change - often for the worse. You’re not obligated to hang around and feel like shit just because she was once a good friend.
She’s not a good friend now. That’s the important bit. Live in the present not the past. |
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I’ve been in a similar situation with a friend of 20 years I’ve been through the shit times and good times...when he lost everything I was there to hold him up but it’s funny how things change and are forgotten but I don’t begrudge his happiness. |
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I would suggest your friend is going through a complex process. Coming up from nothing and being successful sounds wonderful, it’s what so many of us strive for, but it comes with unexpected pressure. She is likely surrounded by colleagues who were born with some kind of privilege and naturally hold these kind of opinions, and she feels pressured/compelled to fit in with that, through fear of being ridiculed and condemned for where she came from.
It’s possible that in her efforts to fit in, she is buying into such bullshit too fiercely. But, deep down, she probably knows it’s shallow, unhealthy and wrong. It is likely she is maintaining her connection with you so she can keep one thing in her life that is real and has meaning. She probably isn’t even aware of this.
It is absolutely certain that something in her life will go wrong at some point. Nobody escapes bad luck. Sooner or later, we all get our share of it. People change, it’s just life. We wear the context of our environment like a coat, but inside we can still hold to the same values.
Keep your distance if you’re struggling with her company. Challenge her statements (gently) if you feel the need to. But I wouldn’t write her off as a friend. Sooner or later she’s going to need you.
Of course I’m just reaching. I don’t know either of you and I could be entirely wrong. The judgement is yours. People change, and have experiences that mean they don’t always make sense. We lose our perspective, and become locked in a pattern of unhealthy behaviour or thoughts. I care about my friends a great deal. I probably wouldn’t walk away. x |
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I'm sorry but how do you bite your tongue with her. More money doesnt make her any better than anyone else. She might surround herself with nice things but it sounds like she is ugly on the inside. I would re evaluate the friendship if she is making not so subtle digs x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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if she was happy with her lot she wouldn't even notice those she's criticising. she would be too happy living this new fantastic life
I've not personally experienced friendships like this but my daughter has.
some of her oldest friends have successful careers while she's a stay at home mum. the only thing they have in common now is their school years/childhoods. these friendships have naturally faded over the years
If her friendship & attitude is bringing you down maybe its time for you to walk away x
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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We all came out of a similar hole, and most will end end up in a similar hole, no one is better in between, had similar with a mate, i treat him like he treats me and obviously we hardly speak now  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Say something to her. If she doesn’t like it and can’t take any constructive criticism from an old friend then I wouldn’t be spending as much time with her anymore  |
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It sounds like insecurity to me. Maybe there is a level of envy in your happiness or your contentment. It's hard to say at a distance, but that would explain the constant need to make herself feel better by belittling others.
It's worth having a conversation with her because of your history, it would be a shame to lose a long standing friendship, but ultimately if she continues then it's pointless keeping in contact if you view the world in such very different terms. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I don't think it's wrong to think that. It seems pretty natural to want people who put themselves on a pedestal to be brought down a peg or two. I think there are a lot of people who could do with that, especially rich people who want tax cuts at the expense of the poor. Luke
"
Thanks |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I would suggest your friend is going through a complex process. Coming up from nothing and being successful sounds wonderful, it’s what so many of us strive for, but it comes with unexpected pressure. She is likely surrounded by colleagues who were born with some kind of privilege and naturally hold these kind of opinions, and she feels pressured/compelled to fit in with that, through fear of being ridiculed and condemned for where she came from.
It’s possible that in her efforts to fit in, she is buying into such bullshit too fiercely. But, deep down, she probably knows it’s shallow, unhealthy and wrong. It is likely she is maintaining her connection with you so she can keep one thing in her life that is real and has meaning. She probably isn’t even aware of this.
It is absolutely certain that something in her life will go wrong at some point. Nobody escapes bad luck. Sooner or later, we all get our share of it. People change, it’s just life. We wear the context of our environment like a coat, but inside we can still hold to the same values.
Keep your distance if you’re struggling with her company. Challenge her statements (gently) if you feel the need to. But I wouldn’t write her off as a friend. Sooner or later she’s going to need you.
Of course I’m just reaching. I don’t know either of you and I could be entirely wrong. The judgement is yours. People change, and have experiences that mean they don’t always make sense. We lose our perspective, and become locked in a pattern of unhealthy behaviour or thoughts. I care about my friends a great deal. I probably wouldn’t walk away. x"
Thanks. Very good advice. |
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By *ab50Man
over a year ago
bexhill |
Don't get caught in her "toxic" ways.. People who think like that about mental wellness are short sited especially if they feel the need to mock those that need help.. Don't hide the fact that your receiving help.. Be proud of the fact you asked for it... Your a single mum.. Be proud toughest job ever...
And your probably hotter than she is.. |
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She is terrified of losing it all and comes back to you to be grounded with a solid base, like for confirmation or approval even if she doesn’t actually say it.
I knew someone similar and I slowly and gradually but firmly closed him away. He’s got tons of money and is desperately unhappy. Irony in action. |
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I'm guessing op that despite her 'success' and wealth, she still recognises your priceless qualities.
You could potentially make a statement, that is just that and not a criticism, upon her position s now. It may be interesting to hear how she responds.
Obviously you could also inform her of your discomfort too but I'd be inclined not to do that until I'd raised comment upon her recent disclosures. Anything that is a possible criticism can nudge people into becoming entrenched and ready for battle, which you don't deserve.
Ultimately you are in charge of who you spend your time with and what you permit somehow, for them to do whilst with you. I'd understand not wanting to sustain contact with people who are offensive or troubling, especially when they are aware of their effects on you. If you were to alter the course of your relationship, you might repeat some of your feedback and feelings and also change whether you just meet on her terms, like when she pops in. Perhaps you'll be busy quite often, or suggesting to meet how and when you want to.
She sounds insecure and uncomfortable and it's not fair if she offloads any of that on to you. |
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I'd be upset if my best friend did this to be honest. I doubt this alone would cause me to part ways but I definitely would make my discomfort known. If he didn't make allowances for my feelings then I'd have to think about what I got from the friendship and re-evaluate my position.
Tell her. It could really help. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Don't get caught in her "toxic" ways.. People who think like that about mental wellness are short sited especially if they feel the need to mock those that need help.. Don't hide the fact that your receiving help.. Be proud of the fact you asked for it... Your a single mum.. Be proud toughest job ever...
And your probably hotter than she is.. "
It was probably the mental illness part that bothered me the most. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I'm guessing op that despite her 'success' and wealth, she still recognises your priceless qualities.
You could potentially make a statement, that is just that and not a criticism, upon her position s now. It may be interesting to hear how she responds.
Obviously you could also inform her of your discomfort too but I'd be inclined not to do that until I'd raised comment upon her recent disclosures. Anything that is a possible criticism can nudge people into becoming entrenched and ready for battle, which you don't deserve.
Ultimately you are in charge of who you spend your time with and what you permit somehow, for them to do whilst with you. I'd understand not wanting to sustain contact with people who are offensive or troubling, especially when they are aware of their effects on you. If you were to alter the course of your relationship, you might repeat some of your feedback and feelings and also change whether you just meet on her terms, like when she pops in. Perhaps you'll be busy quite often, or suggesting to meet how and when you want to.
She sounds insecure and uncomfortable and it's not fair if she offloads any of that on to you. "
Thanks. I'll take these points on board. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Maybe shes looking for you to bite?
Snobs like to see those below them feel shit because it boosts their own ego.
If it was me I'd show her how proud you are to be you, your class or status etc, and be happy with yourself. If she doesnt like it she can stop calling round.
I stopped caring what people thought of me a long time ago when I realised there is no point worrying about what you can control in life.
You cant control the weather, the world, the war, or what people think or perceive of you, you cant make or control anyones feelings towards you
There are two things we can truely control in life, our thoughts and our actions.
The rest is a waste of anxiety
"
Well that's just it. I've done pretty well for myself. Nice house, nice car and great job. I know she earns a lot more than me but why look down on me. |
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"I would say that she may be hiding the fact that shes struggling - a job and money has got her loads of material stuff but is she happy? Is she taking the piss out of others and criticising to hide her own shortcomings, worries or fears. You are the only constant and she may be seeing you as a link to a happy time so needs to speak to you regularly.
Obviously I might be completely wrong!
I'd have an honest (not easy) chat to say that you are uncomfortable with some of the things she says, respect her and the face that she has achieved what she has, but ask her if shes happy and tell her that you miss the old days. Ball's in her court then to make an effort to keep the friendship."
I second this train of thought completely, tell her you are worried about her, gently highlight a few of her changes and give her the opportunity to digest what you say, I suspect she may not even realise quite how unhappy or unfulfilled she is but giving her the opportunity to admit it to herself and then you who she obviously trusts may just be all she needs |
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How secure is this job of hers? With the economy set to crash in the EU before too long and all manner of other things going on around the world that could lead to recession and companies cutting back her arse will hit the floor with a thump if she loses it. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"How secure is this job of hers? With the economy set to crash in the EU before too long and all manner of other things going on around the world that could lead to recession and companies cutting back her arse will hit the floor with a thump if she loses it. "
She seems to think its very secure but who knows. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"As a brexiteer, and proudly so, her attitude to us "plebs" is something with which I am familiar. Such astonishing arrogance is best ignored, and, in any case, arguing with a fool is futile!  "
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"If that was my friend I would have to tell her. It may be she feels she has to do these things to fit in with her new job but carries it on outside work too"
I did tell her in the nicest way I could. She didn't take it well. |
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A lot of people change as they grow but unfortunately some change into something far worse... like anything with friendships you’ll probably do less together but when she needs you then I’m sure you’ll be there for her |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"You don't have to read all of this. I just feel like ranting but feel free to comment!
After growing up together I don't know what to do. As friends we have had so much fun and shared so many memories. We have never went a day without talking to each other and seeing how each of us was doing. The shared hugs and the damp shoulders of previous tears. It would seem that only a end of the world event would stop our friendship.
But then she changed.. She got a really great job. Which came with a lot of money. She surrounds heeself with material objects and holds herself to a higher standard. Our conversations of our dreams and goals in life became of judging others of less fortune.
Now all she talks about is how much better she is than everyone else. How everyone below with lower incomes are basically stupid and can't think for themselves. She has bought a flash new car. Expensive new clothes. In her words to show everyone else that she is better and richer.
For some reason I cant fantom why. She still finds a few hours of every other week to message me or stop by. I now feel pressured to not show any weakness and the ugly things you say about people hit barriers of disgust and understanding. I just mumble fake agreement.
She now makes fun of those who take depression medication and say it's false hope and a lazy excuse to face reality. I don't tell her I take medication.
She makes fun of people who work at minimum wage jobs. I think that's a blessing that they have a job and are working.
She cracks jokes and laughs at people who aren't dressed well.
She makes fun of women and calls them names because they fall for broken relationships or judges them for being with a guy who turns out to be a monster. It's as if she hints this at me because I have kids from a broken relationship.
I don't know why she still calls or comes around. I am obviously no longer in her league. Sure we grew up together and knew each other inside out. But she changed and it doesn't fit with what I actually want from my life. I myself have grown and have many nice things that I know other people wish they had. I do not take pride in them or show off though.. I know they are material and nothing more and I never look at someone who has less. She forgets that she was once like others. Not a lot of money and having to work hard for what she wants.
Is it so wrong of me that deep down I wish she would lose it all? Of course it is... but would it do her some good for that ego? I think yes. Maybe I just need to walk away from her at this point in my life."
After reading this I sincerley hope her world comes crashing down on her. Wonder where her "new" friends would be then. If she got so depressed would she laugh at herself if she needed medication. She sounds one utter bitch and if she was a friend of mine I really couldn't keep my mouth shut.  |
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Well what’s that saying?... the bigger they are the harder they fall.. let’s hope she’s not eating her own words one day... maybe the novelty of money will wear off and she might sit up and wander where her friends have gone.
Have a little word with her and express how you feel and how her words hurt you. X |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Well what’s that saying?... the bigger they are the harder they fall.. let’s hope she’s not eating her own words one day... maybe the novelty of money will wear off and she might sit up and wander where her friends have gone.
Have a little word with her and express how you feel and how her words hurt you. X "
O
I did tell her but she went on about how I'm the one who changed. She's now not talking to me. |
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By *reya73Woman
over a year ago
Whitley Bay |
Sounds like your best friend lost her way.
That's a hard thing for you too as you must feel some kind of grief for losing her as she was.
If she is your best friend .. You could try loving her anyway and hope she comes back. At the same time, back off a bit and look after yourself.
My best friend and I have been through alsorts of phases, life, life challenges. Sometimes we are in sync, sometimes not. Sometimes we have not liked each other or what we have been up to.
We have come through it all with good communication and have always let eachother make our own mistakes.
Good luck x
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Well what’s that saying?... the bigger they are the harder they fall.. let’s hope she’s not eating her own words one day... maybe the novelty of money will wear off and she might sit up and wander where her friends have gone.
Have a little word with her and express how you feel and how her words hurt you. X O
I did tell her but she went on about how I'm the one who changed. She's now not talking to me."
count your blessings then.  you should be able to talk to a best friend without them taking offence. Maybe you hit a nerve she didnt like. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Well what’s that saying?... the bigger they are the harder they fall.. let’s hope she’s not eating her own words one day... maybe the novelty of money will wear off and she might sit up and wander where her friends have gone.
Have a little word with her and express how you feel and how her words hurt you. X O
I did tell her but she went on about how I'm the one who changed. She's now not talking to me. count your blessings then. you should be able to talk to a best friend without them taking offence. Maybe you hit a nerve she didnt like."
I didn't even tell her half of what I felt and she went off on one about how I've changed and not her. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
If she is shallow enough to cast others off and ridicule their social standing, all because she managed to secure a decent paid job, then i would have no hesitation about putting her straight, and reminding her she is still the girl you grew up with, only with a little extra money in her pocket. Money doesnt buy class. ;-0
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"If she is shallow enough to cast others off and ridicule their social standing, all because she managed to secure a decent paid job, then i would have no hesitation about putting her straight, and reminding her she is still the girl you grew up with, only with a little extra money in her pocket. Money doesnt buy class. ;-0
"
True. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I would suggest your friend is going through a complex process. Coming up from nothing and being successful sounds wonderful, it’s what so many of us strive for, but it comes with unexpected pressure. She is likely surrounded by colleagues who were born with some kind of privilege and naturally hold these kind of opinions, and she feels pressured/compelled to fit in with that, through fear of being ridiculed and condemned for where she came from.
It’s possible that in her efforts to fit in, she is buying into such bullshit too fiercely. But, deep down, she probably knows it’s shallow, unhealthy and wrong. It is likely she is maintaining her connection with you so she can keep one thing in her life that is real and has meaning. She probably isn’t even aware of this.
It is absolutely certain that something in her life will go wrong at some point. Nobody escapes bad luck. Sooner or later, we all get our share of it. People change, it’s just life. We wear the context of our environment like a coat, but inside we can still hold to the same values.
Keep your distance if you’re struggling with her company. Challenge her statements (gently) if you feel the need to. But I wouldn’t write her off as a friend. Sooner or later she’s going to need you.
Of course I’m just reaching. I don’t know either of you and I could be entirely wrong. The judgement is yours. People change, and have experiences that mean they don’t always make sense. We lose our perspective, and become locked in a pattern of unhealthy behaviour or thoughts. I care about my friends a great deal. I probably wouldn’t walk away. x"
Great post  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I would suggest your friend is going through a complex process. Coming up from nothing and being successful sounds wonderful, it’s what so many of us strive for, but it comes with unexpected pressure. She is likely surrounded by colleagues who were born with some kind of privilege and naturally hold these kind of opinions, and she feels pressured/compelled to fit in with that, through fear of being ridiculed and condemned for where she came from.
It’s possible that in her efforts to fit in, she is buying into such bullshit too fiercely. But, deep down, she probably knows it’s shallow, unhealthy and wrong. It is likely she is maintaining her connection with you so she can keep one thing in her life that is real and has meaning. She probably isn’t even aware of this.
It is absolutely certain that something in her life will go wrong at some point. Nobody escapes bad luck. Sooner or later, we all get our share of it. People change, it’s just life. We wear the context of our environment like a coat, but inside we can still hold to the same values.
Keep your distance if you’re struggling with her company. Challenge her statements (gently) if you feel the need to. But I wouldn’t write her off as a friend. Sooner or later she’s going to need you.
Of course I’m just reaching. I don’t know either of you and I could be entirely wrong. The judgement is yours. People change, and have experiences that mean they don’t always make sense. We lose our perspective, and become locked in a pattern of unhealthy behaviour or thoughts. I care about my friends a great deal. I probably wouldn’t walk away. x
Great post "
It was  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Well what’s that saying?... the bigger they are the harder they fall.. let’s hope she’s not eating her own words one day... maybe the novelty of money will wear off and she might sit up and wander where her friends have gone.
Have a little word with her and express how you feel and how her words hurt you. X O
I did tell her but she went on about how I'm the one who changed. She's now not talking to me. count your blessings then. you should be able to talk to a best friend without them taking offence. Maybe you hit a nerve she didnt like.
I didn't even tell her half of what I felt and she went off on one about how I've changed and not her."
that's the guilt in her. She wont admit its her  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Well what’s that saying?... the bigger they are the harder they fall.. let’s hope she’s not eating her own words one day... maybe the novelty of money will wear off and she might sit up and wander where her friends have gone.
Have a little word with her and express how you feel and how her words hurt you. X O
I did tell her but she went on about how I'm the one who changed. She's now not talking to me. count your blessings then. you should be able to talk to a best friend without them taking offence. Maybe you hit a nerve she didnt like.
I didn't even tell her half of what I felt and she went off on one about how I've changed and not her. that's the guilt in her. She wont admit its her "
Yah I think I know that. |
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