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I went into the fish mongers

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

The other day I asked if they sell whale?

The man said yes

So I asked if I could have 2 slices and could he throw the head in for the cat

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I asked the greengrocer if he had asparagus. He said "I don't sell sparrows and my names not Gus".

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I asked the butcher if he keeps dripping?

He said yes

I said I know it’s terrible init

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By *ouis CyphreMan over a year ago

The Midlands

I went in the butchers and he said I bet you can't reach those two pieces of meat up on that high shelf.

I answered I don't bet

Why? He asked

Because the stakes are too high....

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I went in the butchers and he said I bet you can't reach those two pieces of meat up on that high shelf.

I answered I don't bet

Why? He asked

Because the stakes are too high...."

Hahaha

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I went into the doctors and he told me my DNA was backwards. I replied And?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I bought a picture frame yesterday, the guy asked if I wanted a screw for it. I said "no but I'll give you a blow job for the Tiffany lamp"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I walked up the street last night and said hi ladies.. Then I realised it was a fish mongers

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Went to the doctors because of paranoia.

I'm certain that woodpecker called me a prick in Morse code...

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By *ocusMan over a year ago

Cambridge

I went to my optician appointment the other day and do you know who I bumped into on the way?

Everyone.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

So I asked the doctor if he had anything for wind

He gave me a kite

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I went to my optician appointment the other day and do you know who I bumped into on the way?

Everyone."

I had a friend who had terrible eyesight and kept walking into things. Pubs and betting shops mostly...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I went into the chemist and asked if he had cotton wool balls.. He said,, what the f do u think I am,,, a Teddy bear.

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By *MP3Man over a year ago

Between Scylla and Charybdis

I entered the Most Paranoid Man competition last month. I came second, but I know these things are rigged...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I made a complaint against my doctor for saying I had a nice fanny. Turns out I've actually got acute angina.

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By *ocusMan over a year ago

Cambridge

"I went to my optician appointment the other day and do you know who I bumped into on the way?

Everyone.

I had a friend who had terrible eyesight and kept walking into things. Pubs and betting shops mostly... "

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By *ncemoreroundthesunCouple over a year ago

on the move

Our kid came home telling us he'd won the Leslie Nielsen prize at school.

I said what's that?

He said it's a big building for education, but that's not important right now.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

i came into some money the other day but dont be in too much of a hurry with the begging letters i had a wank in my wallet

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By *rumpyMcFuckNuggetMan over a year ago

Den of Iniquity

"Our kid came home telling us he'd won the Leslie Nielsen prize at school.

I said what's that?

He said it's a big building for education, but that's not important right now."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I got flashed at today by a man in a car. The police asked if he was in a state of arousal. I said no it was a Ford focus.

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By *azpiz1Man over a year ago

Camberley

"I went into the chemist and asked if he had cotton wool balls.. He said,, what the f do u think I am,,, a Teddy bear. "

That's my joke!!

I then said, "I'd like a comb"

He said "do you want a steel one?"

I said, "no, I'll pay for it"

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By *partharmonyCouple over a year ago

Ruislip

"I made a complaint against my doctor for saying I had a nice fanny. Turns out I've actually got acute angina. "

I haven't spoken to my wife in three weeks. It's not that we've had a row, it's just that I don't like to interrupt

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Being environmentally friendly I went into the butchers with a salami skin as a bag. I said ‘Pound of fillet please.’ He replied ‘Pound you don’t!’

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I asked my ex husband to tie me up once, when he'd finished I said see, you can do what you like now.

He had a shave and went to the pub.

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By *ot kevinMan over a year ago

Suffolk / Essex border

I went to a fancy dress party as a harp, the host told me I was too small to be a harp, so I said to him are you calling me a lyre...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes

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By *haverMan over a year ago

bracknell

Went into the bakers yesterday and saw some bread in a cage,asked him what it was ,he said that it was bread in captivity

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My wife died last week. Its terrible. The sex is the same but the washing is starting to pile up

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By *attb179Man over a year ago

London

"My wife died last week. Its terrible. The sex is the same but the washing is starting to pile up

This made me laugh more than it should have

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My ex husband took me to a wife swapping party once, he did quite well and got a set of socket spanners for me

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By *iddlesticksMan over a year ago

My nan’s spare room.

I saw a busker yesterday, he was playing Dancing Queen on the didgeridoo.

I thought that’s abbariginal.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I saw a busker yesterday, he was playing Dancing Queen on the didgeridoo.

I thought that’s abbariginal. "
that made me chuckle

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I asked a busker once if he played by ear, he said no sometimes I stand over there.

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By *uciyassMan over a year ago

sheffield

I walked past the butchers and saw a sign in the window

"Wanted: Apprentice"

So I went inside and asked the butcher what happened to the old one.

He said "I had to fire him"

I asked "why?"

He replied "I caught him sticking his dick in the bacon slicer"

"Oh dear" I said "and what happened to the bacon slicer?"

He said "I fired her as well"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Went to the chip shop and ordered cod. They said "We will have to cook it, wont be long"

I said "it best be fat then"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My dog hasn't got a nose

How does he smell ?

Awful...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

White horse walks into a bar. Barman says 'we gotcha whisky named after you've. Horse says 'Eric?'

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By *azpiz1Man over a year ago

Camberley

I went to the doctor I said sometimes I feel like a teepee, and sometimes I feel like a Wigwam. He said "you're too tense"

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