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Changing relationship dynamics
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Imagine you've got a bad relationship with someone. Medium to long term, it's been at times incredibly bad. Not a relationship you can easily sever, but you've worked to protect yourself. (Obviously this isn't Fab)
Assume that the other party has shown no willingness to discuss this with you or fix things. Relationship has ups and downs.
Do you think it's possible in these circumstances to create long term positive change, or are you forever walking on eggshells? |
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Unless you're single-handedly the issue then you can't single-handedly be the solution.
If the other person isn't willing to discuss then you have to accept that they will always be exactly as they are, and work out whether that's something you can live with. |
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Communication is key in any relationship. If one person is not willing to talk or engage with the other person (especially if things arent good) for me it would be time to walk away. To try and muddle along would only create massive resentment and everything that is wrong is constantly there simmering under the surface waiting to come out. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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As soon as you said they have no willingness to discuss then the red flags were waving! I believe that even the most toxic relationships have a chance if there is open and honest dialogue between the couple. Open communication will also help a relationship come to a end without too much conflict. Without that I can't see how any partnership could survive long term.
Peach x |
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"Communication is key in any relationship. If one person is not willing to talk or engage with the other person (especially if things arent good) for me it would be time to walk away. To try and muddle along would only create massive resentment and everything that is wrong is constantly there simmering under the surface waiting to come out. "
This has been where things are for several years. I'm wondering if things are turning a corner... or if it's wishful thinking on my part. |
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"As soon as you said they have no willingness to discuss then the red flags were waving! I believe that even the most toxic relationships have a chance if there is open and honest dialogue between the couple. Open communication will also help a relationship come to a end without too much conflict. Without that I can't see how any partnership could survive long term.
Peach x"
Not a partnership in this instance. |
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"Communication is key in any relationship. If one person is not willing to talk or engage with the other person (especially if things arent good) for me it would be time to walk away. To try and muddle along would only create massive resentment and everything that is wrong is constantly there simmering under the surface waiting to come out.
This has been where things are for several years. I'm wondering if things are turning a corner... or if it's wishful thinking on my part."
You might be entering the "don't care as much" phase. After a period of the other person refusing to engage your self defence mechanism kicks in to protect you. |
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"Communication is key in any relationship. If one person is not willing to talk or engage with the other person (especially if things arent good) for me it would be time to walk away. To try and muddle along would only create massive resentment and everything that is wrong is constantly there simmering under the surface waiting to come out.
This has been where things are for several years. I'm wondering if things are turning a corner... or if it's wishful thinking on my part."
Seven years. oh dear. Sometimes its hard to get out of something because theres a part of you that always says if i hold on a little longer things will change or they will come around to my way of thinking etc. More often than not it doesnt and when the break eventually happens and you see things with clear eyes and fresh mind you end up thinking how the hell did i just waste X amount of years on this. |
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"More than seven years lol"
oh god. all I can say is at the end of it all, make the best decision for you. It might be the hardest thing ever but your happiness is worth far more than anything else. I hope you will be ok and get everything sorted xx |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
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Inaswing, I genuinely hope it's not just wishful thinking on your part and things are turning a corner.
I think that things can move forward but it takes a lot of time and protecting yourself as much as possible during that time. You're quite pragmatic which is a good thing and will help you not get carried away. Moving forward if you find yourself more able to communicate, they might be more willing to listen. Whatever happens I wish you strength to deal with it. |
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It's hard to know what is best, it sounds as though you want to carry on with this relationship. But if the other person is not listening to you then do they really respect you? You mentioned being on eggshells in your OP, regardless of what the other person does, that is a hard habit to break once you got into it. Wish you all the best, and hopefully you'll make a decision that makes you happy |
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One question ........
If asked what makes you happy, would you write ..... To be in a bad relationship that makes me unhappy with a partner who isn't willing to talk about issues and i'd like to be like this for the rest of my life?
Face the bear. A calmer future will come. |
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"One question ........
If asked what makes you happy, would you write ..... To be in a bad relationship that makes me unhappy with a partner who isn't willing to talk about issues and i'd like to be like this for the rest of my life?
Face the bear. A calmer future will come. "
Not talking about a partner.
I don't know what will make me happy tbh. Both alternatives seem slightly unthinkable. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think the dynamics change when an individual owns their own power. People only have power over others when that individual gives it to them. Empowering oneself changes the dynamic as the old transaction habits have less effect. Hopefully it is a turning point and the relationship with them can at least have a neutral effect on self esteem. |
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"Imagine you've got a bad relationship with someone. Medium to long term, it's been at times incredibly bad. Not a relationship you can easily sever, but you've worked to protect yourself. (Obviously this isn't Fab)
Assume that the other party has shown no willingness to discuss this with you or fix things. Relationship has ups and downs.
Do you think it's possible in these circumstances to create long term positive change, or are you forever walking on eggshells?"
Been there, done that. You cannot ‘fix’ someone who doesn’t want to be fixed. I walked eggs shells too long, I felt I continued to validate the erratic drama style behaviour. In the end I cut my losses and walked away. To this day he regrets it but my door is firmly closed. |
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"One question ........
If asked what makes you happy, would you write ..... To be in a bad relationship that makes me unhappy with a partner who isn't willing to talk about issues and i'd like to be like this for the rest of my life?
Face the bear. A calmer future will come.
Not talking about a partner.
I don't know what will make me happy tbh. Both alternatives seem slightly unthinkable."
Perhaps you both need professional help to take you through the root cause of the conflict between you. Until you can understand what makes you both unhappy, you won’t move on from it. It clearly eats away at you, you clearly can’t move on from it. Either close the door or work to resolve and move on. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I’ve been there, and tried and tried, and I’m the end I gave up, the relationship was toxic, I tried to communicate, but it got the point where I was anxious/scared to try and communicate.
I ended it and I’ve not had a moments regret, he is devastated but he will never change |
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"One question ........
If asked what makes you happy, would you write ..... To be in a bad relationship that makes me unhappy with a partner who isn't willing to talk about issues and i'd like to be like this for the rest of my life?
Face the bear. A calmer future will come. "
I did exactly that many years ago, cut the family m_mber out eventually, the remaining ones suffer daily but wont escape.
I'm at peace. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Having gone through this with a parent I’d suggest wishful thinking. Keep your barriers up and don’t be surprised when it deteriorates again. You say you’re in a place where you don’t give a fuck. Stay there. If you’re pleasantly surprised, great, but I’d suggest it’s unlikely. Some people don’t understand how to manage their relationships and don’t have the skills or self-control to change dynamics. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Agree with most of above, if the willingness isn't there on both parts inevitably nothing will ever change but you will be the one to suffer.
Personal experience, I had a relationship like this that wasn't easy to walk away from. One day something happened that caused me to walk away to protect myself and my family. I stayed away for 8 years and last year opened the door again. Nothing has changed and those feelings are still there bubbling to the surface every now and then. I stay because it works for everyone else not because I want to.
I hope whatever you decide works for you and ultimately gives you peace xx
S x |
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By *andKBCouple
over a year ago
Plymouth |
I would've said no to this a few months back. But now I think it is possible.
I've had a terrible relationship with my dad for many years. Many years. Always tredding on eggshells, etc. But just recently things have change and I really think hes started to change.
I never thought I would say that i really didnt. However, it's early days and I could be wrong. In the case though the change has happened through unforeseen events. Without going into too much detail its shed a different light on things. And I think given him perspective |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I would've said no to this a few months back. But now I think it is possible.
I've had a terrible relationship with my dad for many years. Many years. Always tredding on eggshells, etc. But just recently things have change and I really think hes started to change.
I never thought I would say that i really didnt. However, it's early days and I could be wrong. In the case though the change has happened through unforeseen events. Without going into too much detail its shed a different light on things. And I think given him perspective"
I’m not being negative, just urging extreme caution. For my example, death of a family m_mber, their own serious illness and major surgery did not alter perspectives. I’m genuinely delighted for the poster above, but some people are really set in their worldview and seemingly incapable of considering other people’s needs and feelings. Protect yourself first. You don’t owe them yet another chance (to hurt you). |
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By *manaWoman
over a year ago
Basingstoke |
"Communication is key in any relationship. If one person is not willing to talk or engage with the other person (especially if things arent good) for me it would be time to walk away. To try and muddle along would only create massive resentment and everything that is wrong is constantly there simmering under the surface waiting to come out. "
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By *andKBCouple
over a year ago
Plymouth |
"I would've said no to this a few months back. But now I think it is possible.
I've had a terrible relationship with my dad for many years. Many years. Always tredding on eggshells, etc. But just recently things have change and I really think hes started to change.
I never thought I would say that i really didnt. However, it's early days and I could be wrong. In the case though the change has happened through unforeseen events. Without going into too much detail its shed a different light on things. And I think given him perspective
I’m not being negative, just urging extreme caution. For my example, death of a family m_mber, their own serious illness and major surgery did not alter perspectives. I’m genuinely delighted for the poster above, but some people are really set in their worldview and seemingly incapable of considering other people’s needs and feelings. Protect yourself first. You don’t owe them yet another chance (to hurt you)."
Please dont worry I my dad well and I'm very careful with him! It's more now I understand why he behaved the way he did although it cannot be forgiven EVER!
Our relationship will now always be on my terms. And I can decide to walk away at any point.
The only person in my family I now have a deep relationship with is my sister. |
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A completely open dialogue is perfect, through it's not the only way that we can communicate. Definitely the context is all. If it's perceived that the other person is the only one who has to change their behaviour, then it could potentially be viewed as a huge unfair pressure by someone, especially if they perceive their behaviour to be the same as their identity :that's who I am' etc. People will resist with all of their strength against something they perceive as a major threat to all that they are. That's the toughest extreme and context.
If we have some aspects of our relationship that are tender and open, then they would be the most likely routes in to help us both learn and engage. It would probably be about taking things steadily and perhaps slowly.
People are not fixed and unable to change. Whether they will depends primarily on their motivation and, when in a relationship, the motivation of their partner.
It's generally worth assuming that both sides get somethings from the pattern that currently exists - there's a payoff of some kind. If things change, you won't lose and obliterate this older pattern, you'll be gaining others. New patterns would need to satisfy all of the current needs to a greater extent or with choices that are greatly in excess of the value of the current ones in other ways. But if you ignore the current gains, you'd do so at your peril.
Some of this requires a good degree of self-awareness. How we enable this and share it with each other can be tougher, where there's limited communication and/or motivation to want to be a stronger partner.
It's up to each of us to decide for ourselves what we will tolerate with a partner and also what we are prepared to invest. If the cost was too high and the perceived outcome too fraught with damage to us, we would be reasonably right to disengage. We will have more choices than we likely consider, when we are subdued. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Unless you're single-handedly the issue then you can't single-handedly be the solution.
If the other person isn't willing to discuss then you have to accept that they will always be exactly as they are, and work out whether that's something you can live with."
This is great advice |
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By *mberWoman
over a year ago
Preston |
I had a similar situation with a family m_mber. I love her dearly but her behaviour towards me was often out of order. (Such as ditching me at the last minute because a better offer came up despite me travelling 4 hours to get to her)
I would always make the move to bring us back together because we have much in common and I wanted her in my life.
3 years ago she made a public announcement about me being horrible (but didn't tell people what I'd done....I'd asked if she was d*unk when she called a family m_mber a bitch!)
And I decided to let go.
It bothered me for a long time.
But now although I feel sad at the loss of our relationship, I feel like a huge cloud has gone.
I no longer worry if she will go off like a rocket for no reason, I don't have the concern that I might travel down to London to meet her to be ditched because she's hooked up with a stranger on the way to meet me.
I feel much better about it.
If she apologises for her behaviour towards me I will be civil and friendly, but we will never be friends again sadly. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I stopped talking to my parents over a decade ago. The reason I walked away was incredibly trivial but it was the trigger for me realising that they would never change, whatever distance I put between us would never be enough to protect myself from their toxicity and most importantly that they really didn't respect me let alone love me.
I don't miss them but it hurts that this is how it is. But it also hurts that that is how it was and as far as I'm concerned this is the lesser of 2 evils. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If you cant talk through your problems and come to a mutual understanding that both of you are happy with then I would say it's time to move on, no matter how difficult it is. There are always ups and downs in relationships but communication is key to getting back up from the downs, together, and moving forward again positively. If just communicating and agreeing is a constant battle then things wont get better, imo. |
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I (Luke) was in a marriage for over a decade in which my wife didn't give a shit about what I thought or felt about anything. She believed she was beyond reproach. All criticism was one-way. She could lambast me to her hearts content but if I dared say anything critical of her, no matter how small, there would be hell to pay. I was there to do her bidding. No communication was possible.
In the end I walked away. Obviously she was blameless and the break-up was 100% my fault and her actions had nothing to do with anything.
Walking away was one of the best decisions I ever made. The fallout from it continues and it has cost me heavily, but it was the only course of action I could have taken that allowed me to keep my sanity. I do not regret leaving. |
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I've had therapy... It's made things better but I've done all I can do.