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How Sweet
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"tell us your experience "I don't have any... why do you think I want to laugh at other people's? | |||
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"Sorry, I meant ensuite. How many people have had a meet go for a shit in the ensuite... especially hotel meets where the walls are so thin? I want tales of wind and grunters! Was the extractor fan able to cope?" Not had it yet but it did make us smile on reading this. | |||
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"Nobody poos on a meet do they? "I guess that depends what they are into..... oh I see what you mean. | |||
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"There has been a previous thread where someone pooed the bed. Does that count "We had a guy crap on our couch before. It was a fart-follow-through. Dirty bastard.  | |||
"There has been a previous thread where someone pooed the bed. Does that count "Why can I not get the image of Spud and the bedsheets (from Trainspotting) out of my head. | |||
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"There has been a previous thread where someone pooed the bed. Does that count
We had a guy crap on our couch before. It was a fart-follow-through. Dirty bastard. "It shouldn't make me laugh... but it does. | |||
"There has been a previous thread where someone pooed the bed. Does that count
Why can I not get the image of Spud and the bedsheets (from Trainspotting) out of my head."Just had a flash of that too | |||
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"There has been a previous thread where someone pooed the bed. Does that count
Why can I not get the image of Spud and the bedsheets (from Trainspotting) out of my head.
Just had a flash of that too "I'm glad you said 'flash' and not 'splash'. | |||
"No, but nearly rubbed his feckin nose in it. It was a comedy of errors that night. I have posted a story about it on here before but it got lost when the site reloaded it's databases." I can remember this story - equally hilarious and gross!  | |||
"There has been a previous thread where someone pooed the bed. Does that count
We had a guy crap on our couch before. It was a fart-follow-through. Dirty bastard. "Someone laying a Fudge Dragon on your sofa beats every single bad meet tale of woe I could ever tell. You win. | |||
"No, but nearly rubbed his feckin nose in it. It was a comedy of errors that night. I have posted a story about it on here before but it got lost when the site reloaded it's databases. I can remember this story - equally hilarious and gross! "I can't remember the story... but I still can't stop laughing. | |||
**
It was at this particular moment in time that the alarm bell in my head went from a small faint ting-a-ling to a full force 10 on the richter scale DING-FUCKING-DONG!
**
I felt Fred rubbing something into my arse and I knew in an instant what the stupid bastard was doing, and when I looked back behind me I could see that he had ripped open the sachet and he had it's contents all over his fingers!
"It's not pineapple flavoured for nothing you tit!" I bellowed.
Totally stupefied, he responded by sticking his fingers into his mouth to suck whatever was left of it and when he'd exhausted that supply he proceeded to lick the inside of the sachet like a demented kid trying to get the very last of his Saturday morning sherbert! Barney was pissing himself. Siren was giggling too but I was annoyed that Fred was making a right bollocks of the meet. If you can picture a cartoon where the head turns red and steam comes out of the ears to indicate total fury, well that was how I felt. This was going tits up and I had to go and calm down in the garden with a ciggie.
Siren came out and asked if I was ok and I told her that Fred had d*unk 3/4 of his bottle and was pissed out of his head. I told her I thought he was a bit of an arse, to which she agreed and said, "ok, let's just concentrate of Barney instead then." - "You mercenary!" I replied.
We went back inside and I glared at Fred as he had decamped to the sofa and was rolling his head around trying to understand what had just happened, but you need a functional brain for that so he had no fucking chance.
Meanwhile, Barney had got dressed. "Where you off to?" I asked him. He replied that he thought the night was over coz of what DopeyBollocks had just done. "Fuck that!" I replied, "get yer kit off, man!"
He didn't need a second invite and stripped off faster than Speedy Gonzalez with a rocket up it's arse.
The three of us - that's me, Siren and Barney, ok, coz TwatFeatures had passed out - had a good hour of playing. Swapping around, trying different things and I have to say that Barney performed like a porn star (if you want his number let me know hehehe).
But things have a tendency to go from bad to worse, and where I thought that Fred was out for the count, I had relaxed somewhat. BIG MISTAKE!
Fred lurched from his semi-comatose position in the sofa and slurred that he needed a piss, and stumbled upstairs to try and locate the toilet - I had serious doubts that he'd succeed but the fervent hope that he'd fall down the stairs and break his bloody neck prevented me from assisting him.
Now this is where things really take a downward swing. I looked back to where he had been sitting and even in the dimmed light I could clearly see that the dirty bastard had crapped on our couch! Our WHITE couch!!
I was apoplectic by now! "Fucking-Dirty-Wanker!" - both Siren and Barney looked up from what they were doing to see what I was yelling about. "He's fucking shat on our sofa!"
That was it. Barney couldn't contain himself and was literally pissing himself laughing, tears were streaming down his face. Siren was howling too and as I looked at them I realised that if I didn't see the funny side of this pretty soon then damage was going to be done to someone-we-wont-mention-again. I had visions of being hauled up in court and the prosecution barrister saying, "So, My Wishy, can you explain to the court why you beat Mr.ShitForBrains almost to death?" "Well, m'lud, there we were having some bisexual swinging fun and FuckFace crapped on our couch!" - I doesn't bear thinking about does it.
I needed a smoke and tbh I had to suppress a giggle myself - had to keep up the pretence of 'injured party' here hehehe...
By now we had pretty much decided to call it a night before TurdBrain did anything else - like set the house on fire (incidentally, he had said he didn't smoke in our earlier chats but since he arrived he had set himself the task of smoking ALL of my ciggs so I had put them in a drawer where the twat couldn't find them!)
Fred came back downstairs - in one piece to my eternal disappointment - and he flopped on the sofa, not the bit he'd crapped on, no, that would be rude, the wanker, and then promptly crashed out. Siren wanted to put a blanket over him but I said "No, let the bastard freeze!" Then the three of us went upstairs. We put Barney in the spare room but it only took about three minutes before Siren and I decided that we'd invade his room for some more fun....
**
The following morning I could hear SeeNo,SpeakNo,HearNo downstairs trying to get out of the house. (I'd locked the front door and taken the keys upstairs with me as I thought he'd try and get out during the night and start wandering naked down the fooking street where all our neighbours would see him!)
I went down and opened the door and Fred left saying something along the lines of 'Nice meet' to which I replied, "yeah, must do it again sometime, like, er, never!" and slammed the door shut.
**
Later that day Siren and I were driving down to Chesterfield for one of Marcuso's parties (where we met another ex-army biguy that night and had lots more fun but that's another story).
Whilst we were in the car we started chatting about what had happened, and then Siren came out with an absolute classic. She said, all innocently like, "Fred was a bit of a party-pooper wasn't he?"
I had to pull over as I was pissing myself so much I couldn't see the road. | |||
bwahahahahahaha | |||
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"There has been a previous thread where someone pooed the bed. Does that count
We had a guy crap on our couch before. It was a fart-follow-through. Dirty bastard. "That story still makes me laugh | |||
"There has been a previous thread where someone pooed the bed. Does that count
We had a guy crap on our couch before. It was a fart-follow-through. Dirty bastard.
That story still makes me laugh "Posted this before i realised you had re posted the story. I'm crying with laughter hear | |||
"There has been a previous thread where someone pooed the bed. Does that count
We had a guy crap on our couch before. It was a fart-follow-through. Dirty bastard.
That story still makes me laugh
Posted this before i realised you had re posted the story. I'm crying with laughter hear "I didn't realise I had it saved as a txt file, which was a relief cos I don't think I could have rewritten it. | |||
"There has been a previous thread where someone pooed the bed. Does that count
We had a guy crap on our couch before. It was a fart-follow-through. Dirty bastard. "hahahahaha!! can't stop laughing at this. What did he say? what did you say? did he run out crying? x | |||
"There has been a previous thread where someone pooed the bed. Does that count
We had a guy crap on our couch before. It was a fart-follow-through. Dirty bastard.
That story still makes me laugh
Posted this before i realised you had re posted the story. I'm crying with laughter hear
I didn't realise I had it saved as a txt file, which was a relief cos I don't think I could have rewritten it. "I'm glad you did its still as funny as the 1st time reading it | |||
"There has been a previous thread where someone pooed the bed. Does that count
We had a guy crap on our couch before. It was a fart-follow-through. Dirty bastard.
hahahahaha!! can't stop laughing at this. What did he say? what did you say? did he run out crying? x "Read up. The whole story is a couple of posts above. | |||
"There has been a previous thread where someone pooed the bed. Does that count
We had a guy crap on our couch before. It was a fart-follow-through. Dirty bastard.
hahahahaha!! can't stop laughing at this. What did he say? what did you say? did he run out crying? x
Read up. The whole story is a couple of posts above."lol.... shows if the post is more than a couple of lines I whizz past, god I'm a lazy moo... will go read now x | |||
"It's a bit long but worth it, so please read on: ~ I'll set the scene: About a year ago: After a long week working we decided that we'd have a bit of fun on Friday night with a couple of biguys we'd been chatting to. Siren loves watching guys play together and I was more than up for it so we arranged for Fred & Barney to come over (ok, not their real names lol). Barney duly arrived at our house at the appointed time and we spent a short while chatting whilst waiting for Fred. Fred arrived half an hour later and then we spent a further half hour getting to know him too - the drinks were flowing and all seemed to be going well. Fred wasn't particularly attractive - to my mind - but he had long hair and that turns Siren on so I thought what the hell. Barney, on the other hand, was very good looking, ex-army and in very good shape. That'll do nicely, tyvm-ly! I whispered to Siren that she could have Fred but Barney was mine! We all chatted some more while the drinks flowed freely. I'd had a few beers, Siren had sunk a couple of glasses of wine, Barney was on the lager too, whilst Fred hit the bottle of whisky he'd brought with him with a vengeance. You know you get to that awkward point in a meet where nobody knows who's going to start. Well, that's about where we were, and being the seasoned campaigner that I am I said to Siren, "Come on girl, get ya kit off and let's show the boys what they'll be getting." Siren duly obliged by stripping butt-nekid and we started playing with each other in the middle of the lounge with Fred & Barney looking on. Barney was agog at Siren lovely boobs but Fred seemed to think that his bottle of whisky had a better pair of tits, he was paying that much attention to it. I put it to the back of my mind. With a nod from me, Barney got up and came over and began playing with Siren whilst I sat back and watched, next to Fred, on the sofa. He'd got his cock out by now and was fiddling incessantly with it. The first faint glimmer of an alarm was sounding in my head but I put it down to nerves on his part and let it go. Siren and Barney were getting it on on the living room floor with Siren taking him in her mouth for a while until he moved behind her and started fucking her hard. I love watching her being fucked and I was fascinated watching her athletic body move as he fucked her. Fred had stripped of completely at some point in the proceedings - I had hardly noticed to be honest - but he seemed to be getting into the spirit of things and he was feeling Siren's boobs as she was being fucked on her hands and knees by Barney. Next it was my turn for some fun and Barney and I started playing - me giving him a BJ basically, nice cock, firm and hard - perfect. I glanced to the side and saw that Fred was having some problems keeping it up so I stopped what I was doing and went and got a sachet of K****** (that which can't be named) and handed it to him saying, "Here pal, this should help you out," and then got back down to playing with Barney. I couldn't have made it more simpler for Fred. I was on my hands and knees with my mouth already occupied so it was blatantly obvious what I wanted. I sensed that Fred had moved off the couch and was somewhere behind me. So I braced myself for what was coming next. This was going to be so nice. I could hear Siren getting turned on as she played with herself whilst watching from where she was on the sofa - her breathing becomes very rapid and um, audible, when she's really fired up!
**
It was at this particular moment in time that the alarm bell in my head went from a small faint ting-a-ling to a full force 10 on the richter scale DING-FUCKING-DONG!
**
I felt Fred rubbing something into my arse and I knew in an instant what the stupid bastard was doing, and when I looked back behind me I could see that he had ripped open the sachet and he had it's contents all over his fingers!
"It's not pineapple flavoured for nothing you tit!" I bellowed.
Totally stupefied, he responded by sticking his fingers into his mouth to suck whatever was left of it and when he'd exhausted that supply he proceeded to lick the inside of the sachet like a demented kid trying to get the very last of his Saturday morning sherbert! Barney was pissing himself. Siren was giggling too but I was annoyed that Fred was making a right bollocks of the meet. If you can picture a cartoon where the head turns red and steam comes out of the ears to indicate total fury, well that was how I felt. This was going tits up and I had to go and calm down in the garden with a ciggie.
Siren came out and asked if I was ok and I told her that Fred had d*unk 3/4 of his bottle and was pissed out of his head. I told her I thought he was a bit of an arse, to which she agreed and said, "ok, let's just concentrate of Barney instead then." - "You mercenary!" I replied.
We went back inside and I glared at Fred as he had decamped to the sofa and was rolling his head around trying to understand what had just happened, but you need a functional brain for that so he had no fucking chance.
Meanwhile, Barney had got dressed. "Where you off to?" I asked him. He replied that he thought the night was over coz of what DopeyBollocks had just done. "Fuck that!" I replied, "get yer kit off, man!"
He didn't need a second invite and stripped off faster than Speedy Gonzalez with a rocket up it's arse.
The three of us - that's me, Siren and Barney, ok, coz TwatFeatures had passed out - had a good hour of playing. Swapping around, trying different things and I have to say that Barney performed like a porn star (if you want his number let me know hehehe).
But things have a tendency to go from bad to worse, and where I thought that Fred was out for the count, I had relaxed somewhat. BIG MISTAKE!
Fred lurched from his semi-comatose position in the sofa and slurred that he needed a piss, and stumbled upstairs to try and locate the toilet - I had serious doubts that he'd succeed but the fervent hope that he'd fall down the stairs and break his bloody neck prevented me from assisting him.
Now this is where things really take a downward swing. I looked back to where he had been sitting and even in the dimmed light I could clearly see that the dirty bastard had crapped on our couch! Our WHITE couch!!
I was apoplectic by now! "Fucking-Dirty-Wanker!" - both Siren and Barney looked up from what they were doing to see what I was yelling about. "He's fucking shat on our sofa!"
That was it. Barney couldn't contain himself and was literally pissing himself laughing, tears were streaming down his face. Siren was howling too and as I looked at them I realised that if I didn't see the funny side of this pretty soon then damage was going to be done to someone-we-wont-mention-again. I had visions of being hauled up in court and the prosecution barrister saying, "So, My Wishy, can you explain to the court why you beat Mr.ShitForBrains almost to death?" "Well, m'lud, there we were having some bisexual swinging fun and FuckFace crapped on our couch!" - I doesn't bear thinking about does it.
I needed a smoke and tbh I had to suppress a giggle myself - had to keep up the pretence of 'injured party' here hehehe...
By now we had pretty much decided to call it a night before TurdBrain did anything else - like set the house on fire (incidentally, he had said he didn't smoke in our earlier chats but since he arrived he had set himself the task of smoking ALL of my ciggs so I had put them in a drawer where the twat couldn't find them!)
Fred came back downstairs - in one piece to my eternal disappointment - and he flopped on the sofa, not the bit he'd crapped on, no, that would be rude, the wanker, and then promptly crashed out. Siren wanted to put a blanket over him but I said "No, let the bastard freeze!" Then the three of us went upstairs. We put Barney in the spare room but it only took about three minutes before Siren and I decided that we'd invade his room for some more fun....
**
The following morning I could hear SeeNo,SpeakNo,HearNo downstairs trying to get out of the house. (I'd locked the front door and taken the keys upstairs with me as I thought he'd try and get out during the night and start wandering naked down the fooking street where all our neighbours would see him!)
I went down and opened the door and Fred left saying something along the lines of 'Nice meet' to which I replied, "yeah, must do it again sometime, like, er, never!" and slammed the door shut.
**
Later that day Siren and I were driving down to Chesterfield for one of Marcuso's parties (where we met another ex-army biguy that night and had lots more fun but that's another story).
Whilst we were in the car we started chatting about what had happened, and then Siren came out with an absolute classic. She said, all innocently like, "Fred was a bit of a party-pooper wasn't he?"
I had to pull over as I was pissing myself so much I couldn't see the road."I'm skiving at work and getting funny looks pmsl | |||
"There has been a previous thread where someone pooed the bed. Does that count
We had a guy crap on our couch before. It was a fart-follow-through. Dirty bastard.
hahahahaha!! can't stop laughing at this. What did he say? what did you say? did he run out crying? x
Read up. The whole story is a couple of posts above.
lol.... shows if the post is more than a couple of lines I whizz past, god I'm a lazy moo... will go read now x"hahahaha that is so funny, cheered me right up!! what an absolutely delightful young man! You have a knack for story telling too Wishy xxxx | |||
"There has been a previous thread where someone pooed the bed. Does that count
We had a guy crap on our couch before. It was a fart-follow-through. Dirty bastard.
hahahahaha!! can't stop laughing at this. What did he say? what did you say? did he run out crying? x
Read up. The whole story is a couple of posts above.
lol.... shows if the post is more than a couple of lines I whizz past, god I'm a lazy moo... will go read now x"It is a bit long I agree, but to condense it would lose the humour. I could've smacked the guy at the time but it was only the other two laughing so much that stopped me. Siren had the task of cleaning the cushion the next day and she says it's most disgusting thing she's ever had to do - there were bits of carrot stuck to it.  | |||
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"Fred is a legend. That story actually had me in tears of laughter. I would of made the cunt clean it up. I can't stop laughing. "tbh I just wanted to pillock to pass out before he damaged something else. | |||
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