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Survivors...
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
The narcissist thread inspired this one.
To all those of us who have been in, are in or in the process of walking away from abusive relationships.
We've almost made another year.
We're made of tougher stuff than they ever believed, than you ever believed.
You're worth more than you give yourself credit for.
There are people who look up to you.
There are people who will listen and support when needed.
You matter.
You, yes you.. you could be someones shining light, someones inspiration, someones beacon of hope.
There will be tough days where you wonder how deep the damage really is, where you question if you'll ever PROPERLY recover, where you hate what they've done with every ounce of your soul, for the person they've turned you into, the insecurities, the worry, the flinching.
But you're here
You're alive
You're loved
2020... bring it on.
You can be proud of you again.
P
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Well done to all of you for having the courage and bravery to escape the knobheads of planet earth be proud of your selves and dont despair go finally live |
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I'll raise a glass to that OP.
It's been just over 20 years for me. 99% of the time all is well, but occasionally I still have a wobble and I don't think that will ever stop completely.
I'm still here though.
Anyone who is on this path and struggling, it does get better. It does get easier. The time between wobbles does get longer.
You survived, and you can thrive again. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Well done to all of you for having the courage and bravery to escape the knobheads of planet earth be proud of your selves and dont despair go finally live"
Absolutely. Living and existing are poles apart. You don't always realise how much until you can breathe again.
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By *andKBCouple
over a year ago
Plymouth |
My mum is now 5 years a survivor and it took her 20 plus years to have the strength. I was so proud of her when she did!!
Our story is interlinked because I also fell victim to the abuse of my dad as well. Fortunately for me leaving home as soon as I could was my way of escape for my mum it wasnt so easy
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"It's been 2 years now for me. I knew it was awful at the time but looking back I know now exactly how awful it was. I have good days and bad days but I know I'm better off away x"
You get used to it don't ya. You know it's abusive but at the same time it becomes normal. It's when you say it out loud or look back that you truly see how sickening things were.
I'll be 4 years in a few months
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Just over three years for me, never been happier "
Congratulations.
I think it's something we should celebrate. We so often only hear the bad side (not that there's a good side but you know what I mean) ....there is a bright side too after the darkness. It takes time, it takes effort and a lot of time it takes a massive amount of confusion and self reflection.
But we're worth that
P |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I'll raise a glass to that OP.
It's been just over 20 years for me. 99% of the time all is well, but occasionally I still have a wobble and I don't think that will ever stop completely.
I'm still here though.
Anyone who is on this path and struggling, it does get better. It does get easier. The time between wobbles does get longer.
You survived, and you can thrive again. "
That gives me hope.
I have wobbles and what annoys me the most about them is this.
Would I have those wobbles if I'd not been through the shit?
Like a situation I'm not happy with for example, one that gives me inside panics. I don't know if I'm having a wobble and the reality is it's fuck all to worry about and I'm being a dick, or if in fact there's everything to worry about and I'm spot on the money. Does that make sense?
P |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"The narcissist thread inspired this one.
To all those of us who have been in, are in or in the process of walking away from abusive relationships.
We've almost made another year.
We're made of tougher stuff than they ever believed, than you ever believed.
You're worth more than you give yourself credit for.
There are people who look up to you.
There are people who will listen and support when needed.
You matter.
You, yes you.. you could be someones shining light, someones inspiration, someones beacon of hope.
There will be tough days where you wonder how deep the damage really is, where you question if you'll ever PROPERLY recover, where you hate what they've done with every ounce of your soul, for the person they've turned you into, the insecurities, the worry, the flinching.
But you're here
You're alive
You're loved
2020... bring it on.
You can be proud of you again.
P
"
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"My mum is now 5 years a survivor and it took her 20 plus years to have the strength. I was so proud of her when she did!!
Our story is interlinked because I also fell victim to the abuse of my dad as well. Fortunately for me leaving home as soon as I could was my way of escape for my mum it wasnt so easy
"
I can well believe it took her so long, it's such a wrenching thing to do, even though you KNOW it's what's needed. So much fear and unknown.
Yay to your mumma and to you.
P |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"The narcissist thread inspired this one.
To all those of us who have been in, are in or in the process of walking away from abusive relationships.
We've almost made another year.
We're made of tougher stuff than they ever believed, than you ever believed.
You're worth more than you give yourself credit for.
There are people who look up to you.
There are people who will listen and support when needed.
You matter.
You, yes you.. you could be someones shining light, someones inspiration, someones beacon of hope.
There will be tough days where you wonder how deep the damage really is, where you question if you'll ever PROPERLY recover, where you hate what they've done with every ounce of your soul, for the person they've turned you into, the insecurities, the worry, the flinching.
But you're here
You're alive
You're loved
2020... bring it on.
You can be proud of you again.
P
"
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"It's been 2 years now for me. I knew it was awful at the time but looking back I know now exactly how awful it was. I have good days and bad days but I know I'm better off away x"
Yes, bumped into my ex narcissistic bf.. He married the woman he cheated me with. I've heard today from a friend he is also controlling her, alcoholic for 40 years made him this way. I got rid. Live for today not yesterday. Like new year, out with old in with the new. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"So very nearly. This year is do or die  Xx"
I so want to hug you right now.
I haven't got all the answers, but what I do have is support as and when/if you need it.
I can't promise but if you're anything like how I was, you'll know when the time is right. Something clicks.
P |
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"Slightly different but it was my narcissistic mother that I walked away from 4 years ago. The best thing I’ve ever done"
Oh god yes. It's not just partners we survive.
Dunno what's wrong with my parents, don't care, keep them at arm's length and I'm better off for it. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Absolutely OP.
It is incredibly difficult to leave an abusive relationship but there's support out there and you can get your life back."
You really can. Fuck me it's frightening, but what was more frightening to me personally was existing in a situation I knew, and everyone else knew was wrong.
I tried different means to get away without having to be the one to leave, one of them being calling the police when I knew he was drink driving and giving them his details, the car reg and route he would be taking. I prayed they'd catch him and take him to the cells just so I could sleep peacefully and without fear
P |
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"It's been 2 years now for me. I knew it was awful at the time but looking back I know now exactly how awful it was. I have good days and bad days but I know I'm better off away x
Yes, bumped into my ex narcissistic bf.. He married the woman he cheated me with. I've heard today from a friend he is also controlling her, alcoholic for 40 years made him this way. I got rid. Live for today not yesterday. Like new year, out with old in with the new. "
Well done lovely,taking that initial step is the hardest,but you never look back |
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By *opinovMan
over a year ago
Point Nemo, Cumbria |
"So very nearly. This year is do or die Xx"
I think this pretty much sums it up for me too. I've lived through a bit of nightmare these last few years - nearly lost everything, including myself. I'm only now starting to figure out how to put the pieces back together. It's going to be tough and I feel like 2020 will make or break me. |
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"The narcissist thread inspired this one.
To all those of us who have been in, are in or in the process of walking away from abusive relationships.
We've almost made another year.
We're made of tougher stuff than they ever believed, than you ever believed.
You're worth more than you give yourself credit for.
There are people who look up to you.
There are people who will listen and support when needed.
You matter.
You, yes you.. you could be someones shining light, someones inspiration, someones beacon of hope.
There will be tough days where you wonder how deep the damage really is, where you question if you'll ever PROPERLY recover, where you hate what they've done with every ounce of your soul, for the person they've turned you into, the insecurities, the worry, the flinching.
But you're here
You're alive
You're loved
2020... bring it on.
You can be proud of you again.
P
"
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Brilliant post at this time of year OP! I have endless admiration for people who have done this. Just getting over your average, garden variety nasty dickhead is hard enough, particularly when kids are involved. Stay strong! |
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"I'll raise a glass to that OP.
It's been just over 20 years for me. 99% of the time all is well, but occasionally I still have a wobble and I don't think that will ever stop completely.
I'm still here though.
Anyone who is on this path and struggling, it does get better. It does get easier. The time between wobbles does get longer.
You survived, and you can thrive again.
That gives me hope.
I have wobbles and what annoys me the most about them is this.
Would I have those wobbles if I'd not been through the shit?
Like a situation I'm not happy with for example, one that gives me inside panics. I don't know if I'm having a wobble and the reality is it's fuck all to worry about and I'm being a dick, or if in fact there's everything to worry about and I'm spot on the money. Does that make sense?
P"
Makes absolute sense, and that self-doubt and confusion is a complete head-fuck.
I didn't get counselling for years, but when I wanted to explore BDSM it gave me literal sleepless nights worrying about whether I was just trying to reenact the abuse in some way. That's when I eventually decided I needed to talk to someone.
The counselling I got wasn't the most helpful because I was very guarded in terms of what I'd say (I judged myself so harshly I found it impossible to believe a counsellor wouldn't judge me too), but it did help me to look at some of my thought processes critically, to try to establish what's an objectively real issue for me versus what's me having an overreacting wobble.
I don't always get it right, sometimes I go off on one and have to apologise, but I trust myself a hell of a lot more than I did 20 years ago and the apologies are required with decreasing frequency over the years.
I wish I had an answer, a magic wand to give you back that clarity. All I can advise is to keep faith with yourself, know that while certain triggers may cause you to overreact that's just your way of protecting yourself, be kind to yourself and forgive yourself the wobbles, knowing that they will come further and further apart over time.
You survived the abuse, you can damn well survive the recovery.
If you ever want to drop me a message feel free; I'm no expert but I do know how to listen x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Slightly different but it was my narcissistic mother that I walked away from 4 years ago. The best thing I’ve ever done"
Still someone who impacted greatly on your life.
Takes guts but there does come a time when you have to live for you, and not be their punchbag (verbally or otherwise)
It's fucking hard to process and understand when it's a parent. Someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally and want the best for you. Realising you ARE good enough, smart enough, everything enough and not those things they portray you to be is weirdly freeing. Like, your life and what you believed about yourself until that point is a messy confusion, it's sad but something you can move forward from and really have a lust for life again.
Believing I'm enough has been really tough for me. It's almost my fallback downward spiral
P |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Slightly different but it was my narcissistic mother that I walked away from 4 years ago. The best thing I’ve ever done
Oh god yes. It's not just partners we survive.
Dunno what's wrong with my parents, don't care, keep them at arm's length and I'm better off for it. "
Yep exactly! I think people find it hard to believe a parent could be like that to a child. My mum never once told me she loved me (said she hated me a lot) and hit me several times. Refused to come to my wedding and when I found out I was pregnant she told me to find out the sex and abort if it was a girl (I have a daughter!). My mum hates women including her own daughter. Cutting her out of my life was so empowering! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Beautiful thread OP,thankyou for the reminder,9 months free and just about learning to live again.x"
Proud of you *hug*
I won't lie, I have triggers that sprout up from places I never knew existed and they're confusing as fuck, but it can all be worked on and that's a good feeling.
P |
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By *adMerWoman
over a year ago
Sandwich |
Big hugs to everyone struggling with life under your own control. It takes years to fully accept this (if ever completely)
There is a better life ahead if you can just hold your path. Find the help that works for you.
The end of 2020 will feel so much better than now. |
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By *ookie46Woman
over a year ago
Deepest darkest Peru |
"So very nearly. This year is do or die Xx
I so want to hug you right now.
I haven't got all the answers, but what I do have is support as and when/if you need it.
I can't promise but if you're anything like how I was, you'll know when the time is right. Something clicks.
P"
I totally get this, I stayed 18 years longer than I should till one day it was like a lightbulb turned on |
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By *reya73Woman
over a year ago
Whitley Bay |
Thanks OP.
I stayed too long because of our children.
It took me a while afterwards to realise just how much of myself I had given up to this person and how much damage was done. Therapy and meditation helped .. I still sometimes blame myself for 'letting' it happen and for 'accommodating' his behaviour. Thats the tricky bit to shake off .. how to take responsibility for myself without shouldering all the blame and shame.
I am now TONK, free and stronger than ever.
I believe I got off lightly.
My heart and backbone with anyone who goes/has gone through anything similar.
X |
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"Beautiful thread OP,thankyou for the reminder,9 months free and just about learning to live again.x
Proud of you *hug*
I won't lie, I have triggers that sprout up from places I never knew existed and they're confusing as fuck, but it can all be worked on and that's a good feeling.
P"
Bless you,the lingering anxiety is the hardest thing to live with and I agree,the hold they had was so strong,despite the pain,it's the hardest bond to break,but fucking break it we did.x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Great thread "
I reckon hope is something not enough of us have. We've had it knocked out of us time and time again, so you kinda give up hoping, coz you put your hope in them ya know, that they'll cut ya some slack, that they'll like the food you've cooked them for once even though they seem to be the only person on earth that has an issue with your cooking, that they're not gonna demean you and your dreams and your achievements today.... the list goes on.
When we start putting our hope in ourselves that's when we can begin to see the light
P |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"It's been 2 years now for me. I knew it was awful at the time but looking back I know now exactly how awful it was. I have good days and bad days but I know I'm better off away x
Yes, bumped into my ex narcissistic bf.. He married the woman he cheated me with. I've heard today from a friend he is also controlling her, alcoholic for 40 years made him this way. I got rid. Live for today not yesterday. Like new year, out with old in with the new.
Well done lovely,taking that initial step is the hardest,but you never look back"
Only looking back you should do is to reflect how far you've come.
P |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Walked away and took every ounce of strength to do so. Good luck to anyone in the process of leaving. My inbox is always open if needed to anyone in this situation "
And you can love again 
Something I never thought possible. Well I knew I could love, I have plenty of it, but I never thought I'd give another person the trust to care and look after my love.
P |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"So very nearly. This year is do or die Xx
I think this pretty much sums it up for me too. I've lived through a bit of nightmare these last few years - nearly lost everything, including myself. I'm only now starting to figure out how to put the pieces back together. It's going to be tough and I feel like 2020 will make or break me."
Counselling can really help. Mine was hit and miss, but one thing I can't discredit it for was helping rebuild my confidence. One day and step at a time.
P |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Brilliant post at this time of year OP! I have endless admiration for people who have done this. Just getting over your average, garden variety nasty dickhead is hard enough, particularly when kids are involved. Stay strong!"
Thank you, support can mean the absolute world to people
P |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I spent 17 years with one, the damage they can do is unbelievable.. "
And when you think you're good another trigger or wobble strikes. It's bloody hard and sooooo fucking frustrating.
P |
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By *andKBCouple
over a year ago
Plymouth |
"Brilliant post at this time of year OP! I have endless admiration for people who have done this. Just getting over your average, garden variety nasty dickhead is hard enough, particularly when kids are involved. Stay strong!
Thank you, support can mean the absolute world to people
P"
It's hard when kids are involved as it often affects the kids also!! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I'll raise a glass to that OP.
It's been just over 20 years for me. 99% of the time all is well, but occasionally I still have a wobble and I don't think that will ever stop completely.
I'm still here though.
Anyone who is on this path and struggling, it does get better. It does get easier. The time between wobbles does get longer.
You survived, and you can thrive again.
That gives me hope.
I have wobbles and what annoys me the most about them is this.
Would I have those wobbles if I'd not been through the shit?
Like a situation I'm not happy with for example, one that gives me inside panics. I don't know if I'm having a wobble and the reality is it's fuck all to worry about and I'm being a dick, or if in fact there's everything to worry about and I'm spot on the money. Does that make sense?
P
Makes absolute sense, and that self-doubt and confusion is a complete head-fuck.
I didn't get counselling for years, but when I wanted to explore BDSM it gave me literal sleepless nights worrying about whether I was just trying to reenact the abuse in some way. That's when I eventually decided I needed to talk to someone.
The counselling I got wasn't the most helpful because I was very guarded in terms of what I'd say (I judged myself so harshly I found it impossible to believe a counsellor wouldn't judge me too), but it did help me to look at some of my thought processes critically, to try to establish what's an objectively real issue for me versus what's me having an overreacting wobble.
I don't always get it right, sometimes I go off on one and have to apologise, but I trust myself a hell of a lot more than I did 20 years ago and the apologies are required with decreasing frequency over the years.
I wish I had an answer, a magic wand to give you back that clarity. All I can advise is to keep faith with yourself, know that while certain triggers may cause you to overreact that's just your way of protecting yourself, be kind to yourself and forgive yourself the wobbles, knowing that they will come further and further apart over time.
You survived the abuse, you can damn well survive the recovery.
If you ever want to drop me a message feel free; I'm no expert but I do know how to listen x"
Thank you, that really means a lot. The "is this me or is this a symptom?" drives me bonkers.
P |
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By *ylan11Man
over a year ago
osterley |
Bless and stay strong to anyone escaping a life like this .
We are all human and should be treated with respect and love .
These animals who do this to others deserve to be caged .
Much love for 2020 . |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Big hugs to everyone struggling with life under your own control. It takes years to fully accept this (if ever completely)
There is a better life ahead if you can just hold your path. Find the help that works for you.
The end of 2020 will feel so much better than now."
the future is full of possibility.
P |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"The greatest gift my mother gave me - last year - was the realisation that she was incapable of loving me. That I could never be good enough.
I'm fucking free. "
And able to breathe fresh air rather than toxic suffocation?
P |
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"The narcissist thread inspired this one.
To all those of us who have been in, are in or in the process of walking away from abusive relationships.
We've almost made another year.
We're made of tougher stuff than they ever believed, than you ever believed.
You're worth more than you give yourself credit for.
There are people who look up to you.
There are people who will listen and support when needed.
You matter.
You, yes you.. you could be someones shining light, someones inspiration, someones beacon of hope.
There will be tough days where you wonder how deep the damage really is, where you question if you'll ever PROPERLY recover, where you hate what they've done with every ounce of your soul, for the person they've turned you into, the insecurities, the worry, the flinching.
But you're here
You're alive
You're loved
2020... bring it on.
You can be proud of you again.
P
"
What such inspiring words OP xx |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"So very nearly. This year is do or die Xx
I so want to hug you right now.
I haven't got all the answers, but what I do have is support as and when/if you need it.
I can't promise but if you're anything like how I was, you'll know when the time is right. Something clicks.
P
I totally get this, I stayed 18 years longer than I should till one day it was like a lightbulb turned on "
Yep, something inside me just said "nope.... done" and that was it. I'd tried before and failed, I think because I still had some hope things could be alright, and also I was scared. The day my lightbulb turned on was the day my fear turned off.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I'll raise a glass to this. we may all physically recover cut, bruises and bones mend. Minds and hearts take longer, if are ever even mended.
Big hugs to all who are in a better place now. X"
And to you. May your future be filled with more happiness than you can bare!
P |
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"I spent 17 years with one, the damage they can do is unbelievable..
And when you think you're good another trigger or wobble strikes. It's bloody hard and sooooo fucking frustrating.
I have moved home,changed jobs,had PTSD counselling and yet the triggers still come,music,places,food,just gets you from nowhere sometimes.xx
P"
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Thanks OP.
I stayed too long because of our children.
It took me a while afterwards to realise just how much of myself I had given up to this person and how much damage was done. Therapy and meditation helped .. I still sometimes blame myself for 'letting' it happen and for 'accommodating' his behaviour. Thats the tricky bit to shake off .. how to take responsibility for myself without shouldering all the blame and shame.
I am now TONK, free and stronger than ever.
I believe I got off lightly.
My heart and backbone with anyone who goes/has gone through anything similar.
X "
I proper hear ya. Especially when the "before" you would never have put up with it, you can't blame yourself though, all you can feasibly do is learn the signs and be a support for others.
That's what I tell myself anyway.
P |
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"The greatest gift my mother gave me - last year - was the realisation that she was incapable of loving me. That I could never be good enough.
I'm fucking free.
And able to breathe fresh air rather than toxic suffocation?
P"
Absolutely. It's amazing. I'm alive. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Brilliant post at this time of year OP! I have endless admiration for people who have done this. Just getting over your average, garden variety nasty dickhead is hard enough, particularly when kids are involved. Stay strong!
Thank you, support can mean the absolute world to people
P
It's hard when kids are involved as it often affects the kids also!! "
That's so true.
You find yourself playing a balancing act and not knowing what to do for the best. It's that badtard unknown element of what they may or may not do once you break free.
P |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Bless and stay strong to anyone escaping a life like this .
We are all human and should be treated with respect and love .
These animals who do this to others deserve to be caged .
Much love for 2020 . "
Thank you from all of us for showing your support.
P |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"The narcissist thread inspired this one.
To all those of us who have been in, are in or in the process of walking away from abusive relationships.
We've almost made another year.
We're made of tougher stuff than they ever believed, than you ever believed.
You're worth more than you give yourself credit for.
There are people who look up to you.
There are people who will listen and support when needed.
You matter.
You, yes you.. you could be someones shining light, someones inspiration, someones beacon of hope.
There will be tough days where you wonder how deep the damage really is, where you question if you'll ever PROPERLY recover, where you hate what they've done with every ounce of your soul, for the person they've turned you into, the insecurities, the worry, the flinching.
But you're here
You're alive
You're loved
2020... bring it on.
You can be proud of you again.
P
What such inspiring words OP xx"
Thank you, I'm just calling it as it is, sometimes people need a gentle reminder that they matter.
P
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I spent 17 years with one, the damage they can do is unbelievable..
And when you think you're good another trigger or wobble strikes. It's bloody hard and sooooo fucking frustrating.
I have moved home,changed jobs,had PTSD counselling and yet the triggers still come,music,places,food,just gets you from nowhere sometimes.xx
P"
I won't pretend the damage is irreparable, coz I truly don't know. I want to believe that these things can be overcome, whether a matter of time, counselling, the love of other humans or many things together.
P |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"If it wasn't for fab swingers I think I'll still be in my bad relationship. 3 years now.
"
Amazing the oddest of places the confidence to live again can come from eh? Proud of you
P |
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By *manaWoman
over a year ago
Basingstoke |
"So sad to see so many.
Over 4 years out here. I think I'm mostly over it other than the continued stalking. The police are involved but I'm not sure he'll ever quit."
I couldve written that!! Seems to be a common behaviour xx |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"It's been 5 years since I left. Also 5 years since he destroyed my world.
I'm stronger than ever though so I thank him for that.
Thanks for the thread P xx"
You're rebuilding, growing, learning and living. You gave yourself that gift of new life
P |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Thank p, I spent 22 years with my ex many of them with rock bottom confidence and thinking if only I was better. I stayed because of my children and the belief that you worked hard at marriage. I always put myself in his way if he got annoyed at the kids, but found out there was still many ways and times for him to abuse them. For those things I can’t forgive myself for. They paid a heavy price fir thinking they were protecting me.
I’m not sure I will ever truly recover, so many things trigger the old feelings. But 4 + years and as hard as it is I know I made the right decision. But I’m learning to love and trust again, though sometimes I’m needy and don’t like that of myself.
Well done to those that have survived and come out the other side, and to those yet to take that big step, you are worth more than you’ll ever know. X |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"So sad to see so many.
Over 4 years out here. I think I'm mostly over it other than the continued stalking. The police are involved but I'm not sure he'll ever quit."
That's wank and a fear I think most have when making the choice to leave (or as I say, the choice to live)
I know it's something I was massively concerned about, I only had a couple of instances though, I was lucky.
P |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"So very nearly. This year is do or die Xx
I think this pretty much sums it up for me too. I've lived through a bit of nightmare these last few years - nearly lost everything, including myself. I'm only now starting to figure out how to put the pieces back together. It's going to be tough and I feel like 2020 will make or break me."
Lets have this year as the 'make' year then. Xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
15 years, but admittedly, I didn't see through it the first few. Only really became apparent when he started earning more than me, and when I went on maternity leave and became a stay at home mum for a year or two.
And very out of character for me, but I couldn't leave. He ended up having an affair with his secretary....I found out by someone that knew via registered post! 
So I bounced back up quickly - within a year for 90% of it. But it took everything I had. And not completely done with it yet - 7 years later. I still dread going out in large social situations as his go to entertainment was to put me down in a way that looked funny to everyone else. If that makes sense.
xx Niki |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"With both of us growing up witnessing this in our parents relationships.
We swore that our kids would never experience it and they never will.
Good luck and love to you all."
Our lives growing up certainly shape our relationships and behaviours as adults. I'm so relieved you both broke the cycle
P |
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"Thank p, I spent 22 years with my ex many of them with rock bottom confidence and thinking if only I was better. I stayed because of my children and the belief that you worked hard at marriage. I always put myself in his way if he got annoyed at the kids, but found out there was still many ways and times for him to abuse them. For those things I can’t forgive myself for. They paid a heavy price fir thinking they were protecting me.
I’m not sure I will ever truly recover, so many things trigger the old feelings. But 4 + years and as hard as it is I know I made the right decision. But I’m learning to love and trust again, though sometimes I’m needy and don’t like that of myself.
Well done to those that have survived and come out the other side, and to those yet to take that big step, you are worth more than you’ll ever know. X "
|
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Thank p, I spent 22 years with my ex many of them with rock bottom confidence and thinking if only I was better. I stayed because of my children and the belief that you worked hard at marriage. I always put myself in his way if he got annoyed at the kids, but found out there was still many ways and times for him to abuse them. For those things I can’t forgive myself for. They paid a heavy price fir thinking they were protecting me.
I’m not sure I will ever truly recover, so many things trigger the old feelings. But 4 + years and as hard as it is I know I made the right decision. But I’m learning to love and trust again, though sometimes I’m needy and don’t like that of myself.
Well done to those that have survived and come out the other side, and to those yet to take that big step, you are worth more than you’ll ever know. X "
I understand the needy side. I know I'm needy with B for reassurance. I'm not needy in other areas. Easy for me to say, but you thought you were doing the right thing at the time. None of us know how things will pan out or escalate and you tried your best. You really should give yourself credit for that
P |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"15 years, but admittedly, I didn't see through it the first few. Only really became apparent when he started earning more than me, and when I went on maternity leave and became a stay at home mum for a year or two.
And very out of character for me, but I couldn't leave. He ended up having an affair with his secretary....I found out by someone that knew via registered post!
So I bounced back up quickly - within a year for 90% of it. But it took everything I had. And not completely done with it yet - 7 years later. I still dread going out in large social situations as his go to entertainment was to put me down in a way that looked funny to everyone else. If that makes sense.
xx Niki"
Makes total sense.
I couldn't leave and I was a right feisty fucker, and still was but just not with him. When I tried to stand up for myself he'd crush me, I'm still not quite sure how.
P |
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"So sad to see so many.
Over 4 years out here. I think I'm mostly over it other than the continued stalking. The police are involved but I'm not sure he'll ever quit.
That's wank and a fear I think most have when making the choice to leave (or as I say, the choice to live)
I know it's something I was massively concerned about, I only had a couple of instances though, I was lucky.
P"
Luckily he no longer knows where I live but any way he can find to contact me, he will. He's even contacted old friends and housemates of mine to try to get more information. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"15 years, but admittedly, I didn't see through it the first few. Only really became apparent when he started earning more than me, and when I went on maternity leave and became a stay at home mum for a year or two.
And very out of character for me, but I couldn't leave. He ended up having an affair with his secretary....I found out by someone that knew via registered post!
So I bounced back up quickly - within a year for 90% of it. But it took everything I had. And not completely done with it yet - 7 years later. I still dread going out in large social situations as his go to entertainment was to put me down in a way that looked funny to everyone else. If that makes sense.
xx Niki
Makes total sense.
I couldn't leave and I was a right feisty fucker, and still was but just not with him. When I tried to stand up for myself he'd crush me, I'm still not quite sure how.
P"
You've nailed it right there - he's the only person in the world that wielded that power over me, even with the emotional abuse, coercion, etc....
It's very sad that there are so many people on here that have gone through the same. Even when he cheated on me, it was my fault. Because apparently i gave our child "more" attention than I did him.
xx N |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"So sad to see so many.
Over 4 years out here. I think I'm mostly over it other than the continued stalking. The police are involved but I'm not sure he'll ever quit.
That's wank and a fear I think most have when making the choice to leave (or as I say, the choice to live)
I know it's something I was massively concerned about, I only had a couple of instances though, I was lucky.
P
Luckily he no longer knows where I live but any way he can find to contact me, he will. He's even contacted old friends and housemates of mine to try to get more information."
I do hope they contacted the police as evidence to back up what you're saying
P |
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"So sad to see so many.
Over 4 years out here. I think I'm mostly over it other than the continued stalking. The police are involved but I'm not sure he'll ever quit.
That's wank and a fear I think most have when making the choice to leave (or as I say, the choice to live)
I know it's something I was massively concerned about, I only had a couple of instances though, I was lucky.
P
Luckily he no longer knows where I live but any way he can find to contact me, he will. He's even contacted old friends and housemates of mine to try to get more information.
I do hope they contacted the police as evidence to back up what you're saying
P"
Police have been pretty shit for me, too circumstantial apparently, even though he left me for dead |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Well done to everyone who has managed to escape the clutches of narcissistic partners/family members.
I cut off my sister a few years ago, best thing I did. Shame I lost my nieces, nephew and great-nieces and nephews in the process.
Shame that it seems so much harder to leave a spouse  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"15 years, but admittedly, I didn't see through it the first few. Only really became apparent when he started earning more than me, and when I went on maternity leave and became a stay at home mum for a year or two.
And very out of character for me, but I couldn't leave. He ended up having an affair with his secretary....I found out by someone that knew via registered post!
So I bounced back up quickly - within a year for 90% of it. But it took everything I had. And not completely done with it yet - 7 years later. I still dread going out in large social situations as his go to entertainment was to put me down in a way that looked funny to everyone else. If that makes sense.
xx Niki
Makes total sense.
I couldn't leave and I was a right feisty fucker, and still was but just not with him. When I tried to stand up for myself he'd crush me, I'm still not quite sure how.
P
You've nailed it right there - he's the only person in the world that wielded that power over me, even with the emotional abuse, coercion, etc....
It's very sad that there are so many people on here that have gone through the same. Even when he cheated on me, it was my fault. Because apparently i gave our child "more" attention than I did him.
xx N"
It's far more common than we realise. I do think a lot of us find ourselves here as we are still human, still have sex drives and still want to feel wanted. Things *should* be transparent and straightforward on here, you kind of expect people to be upfront and it's unfortunate that it's not always the case.
As much as the site has given me wonderful friends, and a new bloke (lucky bastard isn't he?) it's also shown me that the yukky side of people is more prevalent than I ever imagined and there are way more liars and manipulators than I ever thought I'd come across. I thought mine was not an isolated case, but I never ever thought there would be so many nasty people about. It can be frightening and my guard has defo gone up tenfold.
I'm proud of you for getting out, you should be proud of you too.
P |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I spent 17 years with one, the damage they can do is unbelievable..
And when you think you're good another trigger or wobble strikes. It's bloody hard and sooooo fucking frustrating.
I have moved home,changed jobs,had PTSD counselling and yet the triggers still come,music,places,food,just gets you from nowhere sometimes.xx
P
I won't pretend the damage is irreparable, coz I truly don't know. I want to believe that these things can be overcome, whether a matter of time, counselling, the love of other humans or many things together.
P"
@ 4 years? Yes that kind of makes sense now but you got yourself out of that trap P. That you can reflect on how you were then and how you are now, even if you are a dick sometimes, means you are back in control of your life. Be proud of yourself Missy.. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"So sad to see so many.
Over 4 years out here. I think I'm mostly over it other than the continued stalking. The police are involved but I'm not sure he'll ever quit.
That's wank and a fear I think most have when making the choice to leave (or as I say, the choice to live)
I know it's something I was massively concerned about, I only had a couple of instances though, I was lucky.
P
Luckily he no longer knows where I live but any way he can find to contact me, he will. He's even contacted old friends and housemates of mine to try to get more information.
I do hope they contacted the police as evidence to back up what you're saying
P
Police have been pretty shit for me, too circumstantial apparently, even though he left me for dead"
 fuck sake.
I couldn't be a police officer, as much as I want to bring justice I couldn't sleep at night with the amount of red tape etc. I'd feel like I was letting people down.
P |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Well done to everyone who has managed to escape the clutches of narcissistic partners/family members.
I cut off my sister a few years ago, best thing I did. Shame I lost my nieces, nephew and great-nieces and nephews in the process.
Shame that it seems so much harder to leave a spouse "
It's really tough, being "selfish" when you're not being selfish at all, you're choosing to live without the toxicity and harm.
P |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I spent 17 years with one, the damage they can do is unbelievable..
And when you think you're good another trigger or wobble strikes. It's bloody hard and sooooo fucking frustrating.
I have moved home,changed jobs,had PTSD counselling and yet the triggers still come,music,places,food,just gets you from nowhere sometimes.xx
P
I won't pretend the damage is irreparable, coz I truly don't know. I want to believe that these things can be overcome, whether a matter of time, counselling, the love of other humans or many things together.
P
@ 4 years? Yes that kind of makes sense now but you got yourself out of that trap P. That you can reflect on how you were then and how you are now, even if you are a dick sometimes, means you are back in control of your life. Be proud of yourself Missy.."
I am proud and I'm proud of everyone in the same boat. Takes a big set of cahoonas and a smidge of faith or hope, or sometimes simply being hopeless and having had enough of that feeling, not knowing how much longer you can carry on. Still takes guts whichever way it happens.
I own my dickishness
Thank you x
P |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"So sad to see so many.
Over 4 years out here. I think I'm mostly over it other than the continued stalking. The police are involved but I'm not sure he'll ever quit.
That's wank and a fear I think most have when making the choice to leave (or as I say, the choice to live)
I know it's something I was massively concerned about, I only had a couple of instances though, I was lucky.
P
Luckily he no longer knows where I live but any way he can find to contact me, he will. He's even contacted old friends and housemates of mine to try to get more information.
I do hope they contacted the police as evidence to back up what you're saying
P
Police have been pretty shit for me, too circumstantial apparently, even though he left me for dead
fuck sake.
I couldn't be a police officer, as much as I want to bring justice I couldn't sleep at night with the amount of red tape etc. I'd feel like I was letting people down.
P"
You'd be lethal as a copper. You would make a great vigilante though! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"So sad to see so many.
Over 4 years out here. I think I'm mostly over it other than the continued stalking. The police are involved but I'm not sure he'll ever quit.
That's wank and a fear I think most have when making the choice to leave (or as I say, the choice to live)
I know it's something I was massively concerned about, I only had a couple of instances though, I was lucky.
P
Luckily he no longer knows where I live but any way he can find to contact me, he will. He's even contacted old friends and housemates of mine to try to get more information.
I do hope they contacted the police as evidence to back up what you're saying
P
Police have been pretty shit for me, too circumstantial apparently, even though he left me for dead
fuck sake.
I couldn't be a police officer, as much as I want to bring justice I couldn't sleep at night with the amount of red tape etc. I'd feel like I was letting people down.
P
You'd be lethal as a copper. You would make a great vigilante though!"
I'd be sacked as a copper, and yep, I reckon I'd look fucking awesome in a cape. Kapow mofo
P |
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"So sad to see so many.
Over 4 years out here. I think I'm mostly over it other than the continued stalking. The police are involved but I'm not sure he'll ever quit.
That's wank and a fear I think most have when making the choice to leave (or as I say, the choice to live)
I know it's something I was massively concerned about, I only had a couple of instances though, I was lucky.
P
Luckily he no longer knows where I live but any way he can find to contact me, he will. He's even contacted old friends and housemates of mine to try to get more information.
I do hope they contacted the police as evidence to back up what you're saying
P
Police have been pretty shit for me, too circumstantial apparently, even though he left me for dead
fuck sake.
I couldn't be a police officer, as much as I want to bring justice I couldn't sleep at night with the amount of red tape etc. I'd feel like I was letting people down.
P
You'd be lethal as a copper. You would make a great vigilante though!
I'd be sacked as a copper, and yep, I reckon I'd look fucking awesome in a cape. Kapow mofo
P"
My son is a copper, their job can he shite sometimes |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"So sad to see so many.
Over 4 years out here. I think I'm mostly over it other than the continued stalking. The police are involved but I'm not sure he'll ever quit.
That's wank and a fear I think most have when making the choice to leave (or as I say, the choice to live)
I know it's something I was massively concerned about, I only had a couple of instances though, I was lucky.
P
Luckily he no longer knows where I live but any way he can find to contact me, he will. He's even contacted old friends and housemates of mine to try to get more information.
I do hope they contacted the police as evidence to back up what you're saying
P
Police have been pretty shit for me, too circumstantial apparently, even though he left me for dead
fuck sake.
I couldn't be a police officer, as much as I want to bring justice I couldn't sleep at night with the amount of red tape etc. I'd feel like I was letting people down.
P
You'd be lethal as a copper. You would make a great vigilante though!
I'd be sacked as a copper, and yep, I reckon I'd look fucking awesome in a cape. Kapow mofo
P
My son is a copper, their job can he shite sometimes "
I really don't envy them. Admire them, but don't envy them at all, it's gotta be gut wrenching having your hands tied or seeing people back on the street that you arrested the day before back doing the same stuff. Must be frustrating.
P |
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By *opinovMan
over a year ago
Point Nemo, Cumbria |
"So very nearly. This year is do or die Xx
I think this pretty much sums it up for me too. I've lived through a bit of nightmare these last few years - nearly lost everything, including myself. I'm only now starting to figure out how to put the pieces back together. It's going to be tough and I feel like 2020 will make or break me.
Lets have this year as the 'make' year then. Xx"
Aww thanks A - for you and me both.
I know there are going to be some difficult times and a lot of hard work ahead, but at least I have an idea of where I want to be heading at last. With some determination, and an amount of kindness to myself, it'll come right in the end... and if it doesn't, well at least I'll have tried.
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
My cuddle monkey had this hanging over her for years but as of 18months ago she has started to spread her wings and learn to fly solo..herself as an independent individual with a voice, with desires...one day she was able to fly to a highest local point and smile and scream out FK YOU, I AM ME , though alcohol probably played a part. It's great to see her now flourishing and happy and over 7 stone...I met her when she was down to 6 stone and soo close to final breakdown....so hell yeah I ll raise my scotch to all you people that found your wings and found yourselves...people can help, support and guide you but only your inner strength can get you where you want and need to be xx |
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