 |
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
I have never posted a thread on here, but here goes.
I have been sat these last few days in a Manchester City Center Hotel 3000 miles from home, reflecting on a life that has led me to this point and place in my life. Especially how to deal with the next few days. I would really appreciate all your thoughts as someone looking from the outside in.
Only a very few people know the real me and my history and it's not possible to ask them, so I am turning to a forum of anonymous Swingers, which to be honest is probably best.
I shall try to be as brief as possible unfortunately it probably will not be, I must start at the beginning so you can understand the situation.
49 years ago I was born in Liverpool and an abandoned baby, how ever you want to look at it dumped in the street left on a doorstep it doesn't really matter.
I ended up in a Orphanage and bounced from one place to another. Some of you will already know about that from comments I have left on other threads, it was a truly horrific experience over many of my childhood years, if you can even call it a childhood. Those times have left visable scares and burns from the constant beatings from those who were entrusted to take care of me and my piers, the nightmares never leave, thankfully I was not sexually abused unless they are extremely repressed memories.
When I was in the UK earlier this year I hired a company to try to find my birth mother and yes they have been successful, many others have failed over the years, This company were 90% sure they had found the person I seeked 'under my instruction' they very tactfully contacted this person with some details that only my mother if it was her would hopefully understand, she immediately contacted them and agreed to meet me, hence why I am back in the Uk.
I needed so many answers, especially to know why she fucking abandoned me? who the fuck am I really ? I have no family history, no pictures I have absolutely nothing! My name was just made up and given to me. My date of birth,? I don't even know if that's correct or was just made up. I have met my mother 4 times now over the last 2 weeks, and the answers are far from what I had expected.
Well I have now found out that I was not abandoned after all! My mother has told me she gave birth to me at just 15yrs old, she was sent away by her Dad (my Grandfather) during pregnancy and had her baby (me) taken from her within days of my birth, believing I had been Adopted.
I have found out I have 2 Sisters and a Brother (she has always told them about what happened all those years ago so they knew I existed) They have children, so I am a uncle.
She has asked about my life and how I ended up living in Egypt etc.
But she keeps asking about my childhood what happened to me? Who raised me? Were I went to school? What part of the country I had grown up in ? Was it a happy childhood? What was my adoptive family like? Questions I have become an expert at avoiding over the years. Everything you would expect a mother would want to know.
And here are my problems
I don't know how or if I should tell her what happened to me as a young child, I mean she was forced to give me up which is terrible in its self, but to learn she was lied too that her baby was never adopted but went straight to an Orphanage. That her child had grown up abused over many years it's getting harder to avoid the question she keeps pushing.
On that first meet I really wanted to vent at first, blast the shit out of her, but now I know the truth well put it this way I was physically sick in my hotel Lounge, it's changed the whole dimensions and gone to new level.
I have not met any other family m_mbers yet but she is organising a party this coming Saturday, at her home for everyone in the family to meet me, apparently everyone is excited about meeting me. I don't know if I can or want to attend, seeing this family together happy and having done all the stuff family's do, knowing I had been robbed of being apart of it well I think the emotional stress and jealousy will be to overwhelming, I am going to be bombarded with questions that I don't wish to answer. It would be so easy to just jump on a plane and go home vanish forever right now, yet that would be so unfair I started this ball rolling never thought it would end up like this.
I am now really tying to look at it as she might feel rather than how I do, but it's so hard I haven't cried in many years but I have been now.
I have never had children or a family hell never experienced love up until a few month's ago, so it's difficult to decide what is for the best, should I be truthful or just make some shit up
Would a Mother or Father really want to know the truth if they had a choice ? Will knowing the truth bring us closer together ? or drive a knife through us? How will the rest of the family look at me? I am a very private person with my past. My head is totally screwed up.
I don't want her to feel any more guilt than she must already be feeling, I also don't want to start a relationship on lies.
I really appreciate any constructive feedback to maybe shine some light on the path before me.
I thank you all for reading this and wish you all a prosperous and rewarding new year. |
