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Sexless relationship
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Anybody has any experience of this ? My current girlfriend and I never have sex, mainly because I don't want it with her seems to be the spark missing.
Anyone got any ideas how to get it going in our relationship? Splitting up isn't an option before anyone says  |
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Sort of been going through it for the last decade buddy. I dont know what to suggest, all I know is that I circled a very deep hole of despair and it was only because my girlfriend was terrified of losing me that things improved slightly. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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In a similar situation, my wife rarely wants sex but I'm always craving it. It's got better recently. I think it's because she's starting to feel more confident about her job, she's losing weight so feels sexier and is up for doing it more often and trying new things.
Is there anything distracting you in your personal life which might be putting you off sex? |
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Why don't you want to? Is it because you don't care about in the way you used to? Do you now fi D her physically unattractive? Have you gone off sex in general and wouldn't really want to have sex with anybody? What lies being this change?
Does she want to have sex with you? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"In a similar situation, my wife rarely wants sex but I'm always craving it. It's got better recently. I think it's because she's starting to feel more confident about her job, she's losing weight so feels sexier and is up for doing it more often and trying new things.
Is there anything distracting you in your personal life which might be putting you off sex? "
Maybe mate haven't thought of it from that angle tbh just seems to be something missing. I still see people when I'm out and think phwoar shed have it but not the same with my missus |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Again only the 2 of you can decide that. There are obviously underlying reasons as to why it's happening. You'll have to talk to her and see if there is a reason why she isn't having sex with you. Does she know you are on here? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Sort of been going through it for the last decade buddy. I dont know what to suggest, all I know is that I circled a very deep hole of despair and it was only because my girlfriend was terrified of losing me that things improved slightly."
Sorry to hear it mate |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Why don't you want to? Is it because you don't care about in the way you used to? Do you now fi D her physically unattractive? Have you gone off sex in general and wouldn't really want to have sex with anybody? What lies being this change?
Does she want to have sex with you? "
No I still defo care about her I just find us more of a friend relationship now tbh. No I haven't gone off sex either I don't feel.
Yeah she does |
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"Anybody has any experience of this ? My current girlfriend and I never have sex, mainly because I don't want it with her seems to be the spark missing.
Anyone got any ideas how to get it going in our relationship? Splitting up isn't an option before anyone says "
If sex isn’t so important in your relationship as to be a reason to split up, then maybe have an adult conversation about the status of your relationship?
You say that you don’t find yourself wanting to have sex with your partner - so why is that? Are you no longer attracted to them? Is there some external pressure or stress affecting your libido?
And how about your partner? Have you spoken to them about how they feel? How does you not wanting to have sex with them affect them? Would it be fair to remain in a relationship where you not wanting to have sex with your partner is negatively affecting them?
Ultimately, we could all type out hundreds and hundreds of hypothetical questions and solutions but none of them would be right for you two.
And it’s because you’re asking the wrong people. The only person you should be speaking to about this is your partner.
Good luck OP. Hope it works out for you both! |
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Familiarity breeds contempt.
There's only one way forward which is talking. How does she feel about the lack of sex? Is she OK with it? Some partnerships can be very successful without being sexual it depends on your reasons for staying together.
Big problems arise if one or both partners won't or can't discuss it. Nothing will change |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Familiarity breeds contempt.
There's only one way forward which is talking. How does she feel about the lack of sex? Is she OK with it? Some partnerships can be very successful without being sexual it depends on your reasons for staying together.
Big problems arise if one or both partners won't or can't discuss it. Nothing will change"
I don’t agree at all that familiarity breeds contempt. Familiarity can also make you fall deeper in love. If you’re at the stage of feeling contemptuous towards your partner, there’s something more going on than just familiarity.
But I agree that discussion is an important first step.   |
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By *epsonWoman
over a year ago
Biddulph |
"I don't really want to talk about it because I don't really want to tell her I'm not sexually attracted to her anymore"
Your original question was asking for suggestions on how to get things going again between you. If you are not sexually attracted to her, I'm not sure how anything can change that. |
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"I don't really want to talk about it because I don't really want to tell her I'm not sexually attracted to her anymore"
Yet you will talk about it to a bunch of strangers on here
Thay in itself points to a problem of sorts |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don't really want to talk about it because I don't really want to tell her I'm not sexually attracted to her anymore
Yet you will talk about it to a bunch of strangers on here
Thay in itself points to a problem of sorts"
I agree, but I love lad though....  |
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"I don't really want to talk about it because I don't really want to tell her I'm not sexually attracted to her anymore"
While I definitely understand your thoughts and feelings - there are TWO people in your relationship and this attitude is not giving her thoughts and feelings enough consideration.
Bare in mind, she probably knows already. If the sex has dropped off and you’ve stopped making advances, she’s going to have picked up on that and it will be eating her up inside.
Is it fair to continue a relationship where you seem to know 100% that you’re no longer attracted to her - while she may still be attracted to you and be trying her best to win you over again?
Definitely need to have a conversation with your partner bud. Like a few people have mentioned before, relationships aren’t so black and white. There are lots of other options that don’t necessarily involve splitting up (polyamory, open relationships etc) and could work for you both.
Continuing to do nothing about it only guarantees that nothing will change. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I don't really want to talk about it because I don't really want to tell her I'm not sexually attracted to her anymore
Your original question was asking for suggestions on how to get things going again between you. If you are not sexually attracted to her, I'm not sure how anything can change that."
Hmm good point, feel like I should be more selfish and just tell her and break it off but don't really want my boy to have his parents split |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I don't really want to talk about it because I don't really want to tell her I'm not sexually attracted to her anymore
While I definitely understand your thoughts and feelings - there are TWO people in your relationship and this attitude is not giving her thoughts and feelings enough consideration.
Bare in mind, she probably knows already. If the sex has dropped off and you’ve stopped making advances, she’s going to have picked up on that and it will be eating her up inside.
Is it fair to continue a relationship where you seem to know 100% that you’re no longer attracted to her - while she may still be attracted to you and be trying her best to win you over again?
Definitely need to have a conversation with your partner bud. Like a few people have mentioned before, relationships aren’t so black and white. There are lots of other options that don’t necessarily involve splitting up (polyamory, open relationships etc) and could work for you both.
Continuing to do nothing about it only guarantees that nothing will change."
I don't really want to break her heart either because I do love her just not as a partner it's weird and confusing |
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"Sort of been going through it for the last decade buddy. I dont know what to suggest, all I know is that I circled a very deep hole of despair and it was only because my girlfriend was terrified of losing me that things improved slightly.
Sorry to hear it mate"
Cheers buddy |
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"I don't really want to talk about it because I don't really want to tell her I'm not sexually attracted to her anymore"
You don’t want to talk to her, but has she raised the subject with you as to why you are not having sex ?
It’s never an easy conversation, but it’s one of those honest conversations you need to have |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don't really want to talk about it because I don't really want to tell her I'm not sexually attracted to her anymore
Your original question was asking for suggestions on how to get things going again between you. If you are not sexually attracted to her, I'm not sure how anything can change that.
Hmm good point, feel like I should be more selfish and just tell her and break it off but don't really want my boy to have his parents split "
I distinctly remember my eldest around age 7 saying it’s not fair Maisie has a bedroom at her mums and at her dads and she gets 2 Christmases and 2 holidays! I don’t know your situation and It depends how your relationship is in other areas but staying together for children in an unloving/hostile environment can often do more harm than good I would imagine. |
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"I don't really want to talk about it because I don't really want to tell her I'm not sexually attracted to her anymore
While I definitely understand your thoughts and feelings - there are TWO people in your relationship and this attitude is not giving her thoughts and feelings enough consideration.
Bare in mind, she probably knows already. If the sex has dropped off and you’ve stopped making advances, she’s going to have picked up on that and it will be eating her up inside.
Is it fair to continue a relationship where you seem to know 100% that you’re no longer attracted to her - while she may still be attracted to you and be trying her best to win you over again?
Definitely need to have a conversation with your partner bud. Like a few people have mentioned before, relationships aren’t so black and white. There are lots of other options that don’t necessarily involve splitting up (polyamory, open relationships etc) and could work for you both.
Continuing to do nothing about it only guarantees that nothing will change.
I don't really want to break her heart either because I do love her just not as a partner it's weird and confusing "
I completely understand, but continuing to do nothing will only make it worse won’t it?
Let’s imagine that you continue you on for another 10 years and eventually it comes out in 10 years time that you hadn’t been attracted to her etc. How will she feel then? She’ll possibly be sat there wondering how she didnt notice for another 10 years etc etc.
There’s never going to be a “right” time to have a chat like this. And sadly there’s never going to be an easy way to have the chat. But I echo what almost everyone else has said in saying that it’s something that you definitely need to do. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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All I think is how sorry I feel for her while your saying how you don’t fancy her on a swinging website!
Tell her your not interested so she can find someone who does care about her and respect her. |
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"I don't really want to talk about it because I don't really want to tell her I'm not sexually attracted to her anymore
Your original question was asking for suggestions on how to get things going again between you. If you are not sexually attracted to her, I'm not sure how anything can change that.
Hmm good point, feel like I should be more selfish and just tell her and break it off but don't really want my boy to have his parents split "
Kids need happy parents, being together unhappy isn't the best environment for them. Yes it's a killer to go through a split. But my parents stayed together for the children, and that did me more harm than good. And was a mistake I wasn't prepared to repeat |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I don't really want to talk about it because I don't really want to tell her I'm not sexually attracted to her anymore
You don’t want to talk to her, but has she raised the subject with you as to why you are not having sex ?
It’s never an easy conversation, but it’s one of those honest conversations you need to have"
Yeah she has asked me I just say I'm tired tbh. Don't want to hurt her and want my son to have both his parents together - I know what it's like having parents split up and I don't want him going through that tbh |
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By *epsonWoman
over a year ago
Biddulph |
"All I think is how sorry I feel for her while your saying how you don’t fancy her on a swinging website!
Tell her your not interested so she can find someone who does care about her and respect her. "
This also give you both time to find a new love. You are both young and could find happiness. After the initial hurt, try to keep friendly and supportive of each other. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I don't really want to talk about it because I don't really want to tell her I'm not sexually attracted to her anymore
While I definitely understand your thoughts and feelings - there are TWO people in your relationship and this attitude is not giving her thoughts and feelings enough consideration.
Bare in mind, she probably knows already. If the sex has dropped off and you’ve stopped making advances, she’s going to have picked up on that and it will be eating her up inside.
Is it fair to continue a relationship where you seem to know 100% that you’re no longer attracted to her - while she may still be attracted to you and be trying her best to win you over again?
Definitely need to have a conversation with your partner bud. Like a few people have mentioned before, relationships aren’t so black and white. There are lots of other options that don’t necessarily involve splitting up (polyamory, open relationships etc) and could work for you both.
Continuing to do nothing about it only guarantees that nothing will change.
I don't really want to break her heart either because I do love her just not as a partner it's weird and confusing
I completely understand, but continuing to do nothing will only make it worse won’t it?
Let’s imagine that you continue you on for another 10 years and eventually it comes out in 10 years time that you hadn’t been attracted to her etc. How will she feel then? She’ll possibly be sat there wondering how she didnt notice for another 10 years etc etc.
There’s never going to be a “right” time to have a chat like this. And sadly there’s never going to be an easy way to have the chat. But I echo what almost everyone else has said in saying that it’s something that you definitely need to do."
Yeah that is a good point |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"All I think is how sorry I feel for her while your saying how you don’t fancy her on a swinging website!
Tell her your not interested so she can find someone who does care about her and respect her. "
Cheers |
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"I don't really want to talk about it because I don't really want to tell her I'm not sexually attracted to her anymore"
Then things will remain the same. There genuinely is no other way of moving forward with your problem.
Good luck |
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"I don't really want to talk about it because I don't really want to tell her I'm not sexually attracted to her anymore
You don’t want to talk to her, but has she raised the subject with you as to why you are not having sex ?
It’s never an easy conversation, but it’s one of those honest conversations you need to have
Yeah she has asked me I just say I'm tired tbh. Don't want to hurt her and want my son to have both his parents together - I know what it's like having parents split up and I don't want him going through that tbh"
I don’t know you or your situation OP, but doesn’t the way that you and your partner treat any break up ultimately determine how your kid would take it?
If you and your partner adopt a positive mentality, reinforcing the positives rather than dwelling on the negatives - than your kid will ONLY know the break up to have been a positive thing. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I don't really want to talk about it because I don't really want to tell her I'm not sexually attracted to her anymore
Your original question was asking for suggestions on how to get things going again between you. If you are not sexually attracted to her, I'm not sure how anything can change that.
Hmm good point, feel like I should be more selfish and just tell her and break it off but don't really want my boy to have his parents split
Kids need happy parents, being together unhappy isn't the best environment for them. Yes it's a killer to go through a split. But my parents stayed together for the children, and that did me more harm than good. And was a mistake I wasn't prepared to repeat "
I'm not really unhappy with her which is strange we get along pretty well just nothing sexual there. Maybe I just need to learn to live without sex be much easier |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I don't really want to talk about it because I don't really want to tell her I'm not sexually attracted to her anymore
You don’t want to talk to her, but has she raised the subject with you as to why you are not having sex ?
It’s never an easy conversation, but it’s one of those honest conversations you need to have
Yeah she has asked me I just say I'm tired tbh. Don't want to hurt her and want my son to have both his parents together - I know what it's like having parents split up and I don't want him going through that tbh
I don’t know you or your situation OP, but doesn’t the way that you and your partner treat any break up ultimately determine how your kid would take it?
If you and your partner adopt a positive mentality, reinforcing the positives rather than dwelling on the negatives - than your kid will ONLY know the break up to have been a positive thing."
I suppose, I know I couldn't stand being away from him and only seeing him through a schedule tbh |
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"Familiarity breeds contempt.
There's only one way forward which is talking. How does she feel about the lack of sex? Is she OK with it? Some partnerships can be very successful without being sexual it depends on your reasons for staying together.
Big problems arise if one or both partners won't or can't discuss it. Nothing will change
I don’t agree at all that familiarity breeds contempt. Familiarity can also make you fall deeper in love. If you’re at the stage of feeling contemptuous towards your partner, there’s something more going on than just familiarity.
But I agree that discussion is an important first step. "
I should maybe have put "sometimes" .
It can be an easy trap to fall on to. You come home to the same partner day after day, they aren't always fun and bubbly, you are often tired, bills have to be paid, socks have to be washed, kids need looking after. Your partner (if you're not careful) becomes a familiar presence no longer associated with sexy fun, lighthearted pleasure and carefree dating days. It takes a lot of work and communication to keep a sexual spark alive long term and if one person seeks the solution alone or refuses to discuss it then it won't ever be resolved. |
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"I don't really want to talk about it because I don't really want to tell her I'm not sexually attracted to her anymore
You don’t want to talk to her, but has she raised the subject with you as to why you are not having sex ?
It’s never an easy conversation, but it’s one of those honest conversations you need to have
Yeah she has asked me I just say I'm tired tbh. Don't want to hurt her and want my son to have both his parents together - I know what it's like having parents split up and I don't want him going through that tbh
I don’t know you or your situation OP, but doesn’t the way that you and your partner treat any break up ultimately determine how your kid would take it?
If you and your partner adopt a positive mentality, reinforcing the positives rather than dwelling on the negatives - than your kid will ONLY know the break up to have been a positive thing.
I suppose, I know I couldn't stand being away from him and only seeing him through a schedule tbh"
There’s no reason you’d have to move out though is there?
If it’s all amicable and you get along as friends, you can continue that relationship while looking to find romance elsewhere. Doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be a dad by appointment only! |
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By *epsonWoman
over a year ago
Biddulph |
"Haha aren’t you the one who’s so good looking it’s intimidating ?
That is correct
Maybe your too good looking for her then.
Nah she's lush "
You have been saying you don’t fancy her any more  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Anybody has any experience of this ? My current girlfriend and I never have sex, mainly because I don't want it with her seems to be the spark missing.
Anyone got any ideas how to get it going in our relationship? Splitting up isn't an option before anyone says "
I think you should encourage her to come on this site with you and you might find she will flourish under the attentions from other men. It would be good for her ego and you would perhaps come home to someone more confident and refreshed herself x
|
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Haha aren’t you the one who’s so good looking it’s intimidating ?
That is correct
Maybe your too good looking for her then.
Nah she's lush
You have been saying you don’t fancy her any more "
I don't she's still good looking though just no sexual spark there |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I don't really want to talk about it because I don't really want to tell her I'm not sexually attracted to her anymore
You don’t want to talk to her, but has she raised the subject with you as to why you are not having sex ?
It’s never an easy conversation, but it’s one of those honest conversations you need to have
Yeah she has asked me I just say I'm tired tbh. Don't want to hurt her and want my son to have both his parents together - I know what it's like having parents split up and I don't want him going through that tbh
I don’t know you or your situation OP, but doesn’t the way that you and your partner treat any break up ultimately determine how your kid would take it?
If you and your partner adopt a positive mentality, reinforcing the positives rather than dwelling on the negatives - than your kid will ONLY know the break up to have been a positive thing.
I suppose, I know I couldn't stand being away from him and only seeing him through a schedule tbh
There’s no reason you’d have to move out though is there?
If it’s all amicable and you get along as friends, you can continue that relationship while looking to find romance elsewhere. Doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be a dad by appointment only!"
Hmm I suppose but she'd prob want a clean break |
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By *epsonWoman
over a year ago
Biddulph |
"Haha aren’t you the one who’s so good looking it’s intimidating ?
That is correct
Maybe your too good looking for her then.
Nah she's lush
You have been saying you don’t fancy her any more
I don't she's still good looking though just no sexual spark there "
Ah right |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Anybody has any experience of this ? My current girlfriend and I never have sex, mainly because I don't want it with her seems to be the spark missing.
Anyone got any ideas how to get it going in our relationship? Splitting up isn't an option before anyone says I think you should encourage her to come on this site with you and you might find she will flourish under the attentions from other men. It would be good for her ego and you would perhaps come home to someone more confident and refreshed herself x
"
Maybe don't really thinks it's her scene tbh but I could try |
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"Anybody has any experience of this ? My current girlfriend and I never have sex, mainly because I don't want it with her seems to be the spark missing.
Anyone got any ideas how to get it going in our relationship? Splitting up isn't an option before anyone says I think you should encourage her to come on this site with you and you might find she will flourish under the attentions from other men. It would be good for her ego and you would perhaps come home to someone more confident and refreshed herself x
Maybe don't really thinks it's her scene tbh but I could try "
Joining swinging sites is rarely a good solution to the problem you have. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Anybody has any experience of this ? My current girlfriend and I never have sex, mainly because I don't want it with her seems to be the spark missing.
Anyone got any ideas how to get it going in our relationship? Splitting up isn't an option before anyone says I think you should encourage her to come on this site with you and you might find she will flourish under the attentions from other men. It would be good for her ego and you would perhaps come home to someone more confident and refreshed herself x
Maybe don't really thinks it's her scene tbh but I could try
Joining swinging sites is rarely a good solution to the problem you have. "
Hahaha |
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Op, do you love your partner? Do you want to save your relationship at any cost? Are you willing to put some work in to it?
It's OK to answer no. Shit happens and it's often nobody's fault as such but you need to sort out what you want. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I was in a sexless relationship for 20 years. My partner became completely A sexual after the birth of our child. There was no communication about it no matter how much I wanted to address the issue. Eventually we became more like brother and sister and it got to the point where I could no longer imagine sleeping with her and it became the norm. I was like op, leaving wasn't an option and for me neither was cheating. Eventually I did leave, that was 3 years ago. My ex is still like my sister but my life is happier and more fulfilled. So op in my experience you learn to accept although at times it's hard and things will come to a natural conclusion when the time is right. Sorry i can't be more positive for you in the short term. |
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I stayed with my ex for far too many years for the sake of the children, who now say that we should have split years ago. My parents divorced so didnt want to put my children through it either but such a waste of all our times. Good luck in your decision xx |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Op, do you love your partner? Do you want to save your relationship at any cost? Are you willing to put some work in to it?
It's OK to answer no. Shit happens and it's often nobody's fault as such but you need to sort out what you want. "
Yes I do, yes I will and yes I am. Just dunno what I can do to get my sexual spark going with her |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I was in a sexless relationship for 20 years. My partner became completely A sexual after the birth of our child. There was no communication about it no matter how much I wanted to address the issue. Eventually we became more like brother and sister and it got to the point where I could no longer imagine sleeping with her and it became the norm. I was like op, leaving wasn't an option and for me neither was cheating. Eventually I did leave, that was 3 years ago. My ex is still like my sister but my life is happier and more fulfilled. So op in my experience you learn to accept although at times it's hard and things will come to a natural conclusion when the time is right. Sorry i can't be more positive for you in the short term. "
Thanks mate that sounds alot like my situation right now |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I stayed with my ex for far too many years for the sake of the children, who now say that we should have split years ago. My parents divorced so didnt want to put my children through it either but such a waste of all our times. Good luck in your decision xx"
Thanks xx |
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"Op, do you love your partner? Do you want to save your relationship at any cost? Are you willing to put some work in to it?
It's OK to answer no. Shit happens and it's often nobody's fault as such but you need to sort out what you want.
Yes I do, yes I will and yes I am. Just dunno what I can do to get my sexual spark going with her "
OK. This is my last contribution. There is only one way to solve this and its by talking to her. You don't have to say you don't find her attractive. Be tactful say you've lost your mojo a bit and would like her help to reignite the spark.
Good luck! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Familiarity breeds contempt.
There's only one way forward which is talking. How does she feel about the lack of sex? Is she OK with it? Some partnerships can be very successful without being sexual it depends on your reasons for staying together.
Big problems arise if one or both partners won't or can't discuss it. Nothing will change
I don’t agree at all that familiarity breeds contempt. Familiarity can also make you fall deeper in love. If you’re at the stage of feeling contemptuous towards your partner, there’s something more going on than just familiarity.
But I agree that discussion is an important first step.
I should maybe have put "sometimes" .
It can be an easy trap to fall on to. You come home to the same partner day after day, they aren't always fun and bubbly, you are often tired, bills have to be paid, socks have to be washed, kids need looking after. Your partner (if you're not careful) becomes a familiar presence no longer associated with sexy fun, lighthearted pleasure and carefree dating days. It takes a lot of work and communication to keep a sexual spark alive long term and if one person seeks the solution alone or refuses to discuss it then it won't ever be resolved. "
Yes - totally agree that this can sometimes be the case. I think that saying is a bit daft, I’ve always disliked it. Contempt is such a strong word; and it’s never familiarity alone that leads to contempt, in some cases familiarity makes you feel more in love (trust, dependability, knowing someone inside out etc...). It’s surely the taking of your partner for granted and lack of communication etc that starts the slippery downward slope. Familiarity with communication, respect, and time made for each other can only strengthen a relationship in my view. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Op, do you love your partner? Do you want to save your relationship at any cost? Are you willing to put some work in to it?
It's OK to answer no. Shit happens and it's often nobody's fault as such but you need to sort out what you want.
Yes I do, yes I will and yes I am. Just dunno what I can do to get my sexual spark going with her
OK. This is my last contribution. There is only one way to solve this and its by talking to her. You don't have to say you don't find her attractive. Be tactful say you've lost your mojo a bit and would like her help to reignite the spark.
Good luck! "
Good idea actually, thank you |
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By *urvySub87Woman
over a year ago
Near Wellingborough |
I don't think you're being fair on your Mrs. I understand that you want to keep the family together for the sake of your child but your partner is more than likely miserable (I have a friend in a sexless relationship) If you don't see yourself wanting her fully (love and sex) then let her find someone who does. Your child will always be your child but soon there will be resentment in your relationship and no doubt arguments over the lack of sex. That's before what happens when she finds you on here.
I'm sorry to be so blunt OP but if you can't fix your sexlife with her the nicest thing might be to let her go |
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"I don't really want to talk about it because I don't really want to tell her I'm not sexually attracted to her anymore
You don’t want to talk to her, but has she raised the subject with you as to why you are not having sex ?
It’s never an easy conversation, but it’s one of those honest conversations you need to have
Yeah she has asked me I just say I'm tired tbh. Don't want to hurt her and want my son to have both his parents together - I know what it's like having parents split up and I don't want him going through that tbh"
Ok I can only talk from personal experience as both a child of split parents and as a parent that had to make that hard decision to walk away.
It is not right staying together for the kids, because they will pick up on discord in your relationship more than you realise.
I left my ex 5 years ago after 10 years together, last 7 of them sexless. We had numerous conversations along the way as to why we weren’t having sex, but it didn’t resolve anything. We loved each other but that got eaten away over time
I didn’t want my child to have separated parents, but the more I thought about staying so he could have the family unit, the more it ate me up and my fathers words when he left at 17.... I waited until you finished education, no need to pay any money and I haven’t wanted to be here since you were 4. So my whole childhood was a charade. I didn’t want my lad to hate me in the future and feel how I did.
I eventually made the decision to walk after something my lad said at the age of 6. When asked what he would like to get his dad for Christmas, without taking a breath, he responded ‘he needs a house to live in on his own’. I told my ex that night I was leaving and left three weeks later.
My lad now has two happy homes and in his words ‘two happy parents’.
No one can tell you what to do, but children are more resilient than you think. If both parties agree that all that matters is the well being of the children and they have a relationship with both parents.
It’s a tough decision OP and only one you snd your partner can make |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I don't really want to talk about it because I don't really want to tell her I'm not sexually attracted to her anymore
You don’t want to talk to her, but has she raised the subject with you as to why you are not having sex ?
It’s never an easy conversation, but it’s one of those honest conversations you need to have
Yeah she has asked me I just say I'm tired tbh. Don't want to hurt her and want my son to have both his parents together - I know what it's like having parents split up and I don't want him going through that tbh
Ok I can only talk from personal experience as both a child of split parents and as a parent that had to make that hard decision to walk away.
It is not right staying together for the kids, because they will pick up on discord in your relationship more than you realise.
I left my ex 5 years ago after 10 years together, last 7 of them sexless. We had numerous conversations along the way as to why we weren’t having sex, but it didn’t resolve anything. We loved each other but that got eaten away over time
I didn’t want my child to have separated parents, but the more I thought about staying so he could have the family unit, the more it ate me up and my fathers words when he left at 17.... I waited until you finished education, no need to pay any money and I haven’t wanted to be here since you were 4. So my whole childhood was a charade. I didn’t want my lad to hate me in the future and feel how I did.
I eventually made the decision to walk after something my lad said at the age of 6. When asked what he would like to get his dad for Christmas, without taking a breath, he responded ‘he needs a house to live in on his own’. I told my ex that night I was leaving and left three weeks later.
My lad now has two happy homes and in his words ‘two happy parents’.
No one can tell you what to do, but children are more resilient than you think. If both parties agree that all that matters is the well being of the children and they have a relationship with both parents.
It’s a tough decision OP and only one you snd your partner can make "
How is your boys relationship with you both now? How often do you see you both see him |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I don't think you're being fair on your Mrs. I understand that you want to keep the family together for the sake of your child but your partner is more than likely miserable (I have a friend in a sexless relationship) If you don't see yourself wanting her fully (love and sex) then let her find someone who does. Your child will always be your child but soon there will be resentment in your relationship and no doubt arguments over the lack of sex. That's before what happens when she finds you on here.
I'm sorry to be so blunt OP but if you can't fix your sexlife with her the nicest thing might be to let her go"
I see where you are coming from but I feel more inclined to keep my boy happy than me and her |
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
I remember giving you some advice on this situation on your previous profile, that still stands.
I think that life is too short to be stuck in a relationship where you're not happy.
As others have posted; your partner *will* know that something is up and your profile on here is testament to you wanting out on some level.
I'm assuming that you're staying for your child but your son deserves to grow up in a situation where both his parents are happy and where he can see what a true loving relationship looks like.
I realise that it's a tough conversation to have with your partner but it needs to be had, respect her enough to not keep her in a sex less relationship, where you're both not getting what you want. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I remember giving you some advice on this situation on your previous profile, that still stands.
I think that life is too short to be stuck in a relationship where you're not happy.
As others have posted; your partner *will* know that something is up and your profile on here is testament to you wanting out on some level.
I'm assuming that you're staying for your child but your son deserves to grow up in a situation where both his parents are happy and where he can see what a true loving relationship looks like.
I realise that it's a tough conversation to have with your partner but it needs to be had, respect her enough to not keep her in a sex less relationship, where you're both not getting what you want. "
I think I just need to man up and realise were both better off without each other no matter how hard it will be |
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"It’s a tough decision OP and only one you snd your partner can make
How is your boys relationship with you both now? How often do you see you both see him "
My lad has always had a good relationship with us both. He sees his dad every Thursday and every other Friday to Sunday. He will go there extra days if needed (ie if I’m ill) and holidays are split equally. We take it in turns to have him for Christmas and the same with birthday, although we both get to see him on his birthday.
The important thing is that neither of us bad mouth the other to him. Things have gone on that he will never know about, because he doesn’t need to.
Our priority is him and his well being |
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By *AABMan
over a year ago
Not far |
"I was in a sexless relationship for 20 years. My partner became completely A sexual after the birth of our child. There was no communication about it no matter how much I wanted to address the issue. Eventually we became more like brother and sister and it got to the point where I could no longer imagine sleeping with her and it became the norm. I was like op, leaving wasn't an option and for me neither was cheating. Eventually I did leave, that was 3 years ago. My ex is still like my sister but my life is happier and more fulfilled. So op in my experience you learn to accept although at times it's hard and things will come to a natural conclusion when the time is right. Sorry i can't be more positive for you in the short term. "
This sounds so familiar as my wife and I haven’t had a sex life for many many years. She is now asexual and doesn’t want to talk about it. A few years ago like all the women in her family she developed a prolapse so sex is now impossible anyway. Otherwise the marriage works and the kids and dog are happy. We’ve no intention of separating as we want to grow old together, but I have sexual needs that yearn to be fulfilled. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
If your wife doesn't know that you are on this site then you seem already have one foot out the door. You seem to have checked out emotionally and your reasons for staying seem. mainly a fear of change. Many of your above replies sound like excuses to me why it can't be fixed.
You have no option but to talk about it. You might think that it will be heartbreaking to talk, but it will be nowhere near as heartbreaking as her finding out about this site, or you splitting up - and trust me - as a man - divorce can destroy you for years.
Marriage is not supposed to be always easy. Takes work and effort and good communication.
If you still actually love her and really want to make it work then you have the power to do that.
I suggest you start talking properly to your wife, like an adult should and get the hell off this site if she doesn't know about it.
If you throw away your marriage over something that you can fix or decide to live in misery for the next x years, then you're being pretty foolish.
Good luck.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"It’s a tough decision OP and only one you snd your partner can make
How is your boys relationship with you both now? How often do you see you both see him
My lad has always had a good relationship with us both. He sees his dad every Thursday and every other Friday to Sunday. He will go there extra days if needed (ie if I’m ill) and holidays are split equally. We take it in turns to have him for Christmas and the same with birthday, although we both get to see him on his birthday.
The important thing is that neither of us bad mouth the other to him. Things have gone on that he will never know about, because he doesn’t need to.
Our priority is him and his well being "
Ah right. I see what you mean but only seeing him once a week and then every other weekend would kill me tbh |
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"It’s a tough decision OP and only one you snd your partner can make
How is your boys relationship with you both now? How often do you see you both see him
My lad has always had a good relationship with us both. He sees his dad every Thursday and every other Friday to Sunday. He will go there extra days if needed (ie if I’m ill) and holidays are split equally. We take it in turns to have him for Christmas and the same with birthday, although we both get to see him on his birthday.
The important thing is that neither of us bad mouth the other to him. Things have gone on that he will never know about, because he doesn’t need to.
Our priority is him and his well being
Ah right. I see what you mean but only seeing him once a week and then every other weekend would kill me tbh "
Depends on what kind of access you arrange. I have the kids every other day, and alternative weekends. Frida |
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"It’s a tough decision OP and only one you snd your partner can make
How is your boys relationship with you both now? How often do you see you both see him
My lad has always had a good relationship with us both. He sees his dad every Thursday and every other Friday to Sunday. He will go there extra days if needed (ie if I’m ill) and holidays are split equally. We take it in turns to have him for Christmas and the same with birthday, although we both get to see him on his birthday.
The important thing is that neither of us bad mouth the other to him. Things have gone on that he will never know about, because he doesn’t need to.
Our priority is him and his well being
Ah right. I see what you mean but only seeing him once a week and then every other weekend would kill me tbh
Depends on what kind of access you arrange. I have the kids every other day, and alternative weekends. Frida"
Exactly, the access is whatever you discuss and agree between you.
If the priority is your son's happiness then it's about how he feels not necessarily about how it would make you feel |
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"It’s a tough decision OP and only one you snd your partner can make
How is your boys relationship with you both now? How often do you see you both see him
My lad has always had a good relationship with us both. He sees his dad every Thursday and every other Friday to Sunday. He will go there extra days if needed (ie if I’m ill) and holidays are split equally. We take it in turns to have him for Christmas and the same with birthday, although we both get to see him on his birthday.
The important thing is that neither of us bad mouth the other to him. Things have gone on that he will never know about, because he doesn’t need to.
Our priority is him and his well being
Ah right. I see what you mean but only seeing him once a week and then every other weekend would kill me tbh "
It’s all down to what you arrange. At the beginning it was an equal split, 4 days each, then that changed because of school work. You need to find your own arrangements and what’s good for the kid. |
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You are both young, your partner might feel she needs someone to love her and want her for the rest of her life and be the one to leave you instead. Staying for the child’s sake isn’t going to help anything, you have to stay for the relationships sake, you are talking about you and her, I spent 20 years trying to be the glue that held it together and in the end it breaks apart anyway! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"It’s a tough decision OP and only one you snd your partner can make
How is your boys relationship with you both now? How often do you see you both see him
My lad has always had a good relationship with us both. He sees his dad every Thursday and every other Friday to Sunday. He will go there extra days if needed (ie if I’m ill) and holidays are split equally. We take it in turns to have him for Christmas and the same with birthday, although we both get to see him on his birthday.
The important thing is that neither of us bad mouth the other to him. Things have gone on that he will never know about, because he doesn’t need to.
Our priority is him and his well being
Ah right. I see what you mean but only seeing him once a week and then every other weekend would kill me tbh
Depends on what kind of access you arrange. I have the kids every other day, and alternative weekends. Frida
Exactly, the access is whatever you discuss and agree between you.
If the priority is your son's happiness then it's about how he feels not necessarily about how it would make you feel"
Yes and he would feel he wants to be with me too |
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"It’s a tough decision OP and only one you snd your partner can make
How is your boys relationship with you both now? How often do you see you both see him
My lad has always had a good relationship with us both. He sees his dad every Thursday and every other Friday to Sunday. He will go there extra days if needed (ie if I’m ill) and holidays are split equally. We take it in turns to have him for Christmas and the same with birthday, although we both get to see him on his birthday.
The important thing is that neither of us bad mouth the other to him. Things have gone on that he will never know about, because he doesn’t need to.
Our priority is him and his well being
Ah right. I see what you mean but only seeing him once a week and then every other weekend would kill me tbh
Depends on what kind of access you arrange. I have the kids every other day, and alternative weekends. Frida
Exactly, the access is whatever you discuss and agree between you.
If the priority is your son's happiness then it's about how he feels not necessarily about how it would make you feel
Yes and he would feel he wants to be with me too "
Then that's what you discuss and agree with your partner. You prioritise your son's happiness over all other things |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"If your wife doesn't know that you are on this site then you seem already have one foot out the door. You seem to have checked out emotionally and your reasons for staying seem. mainly a fear of change. Many of your above replies sound like excuses to me why it can't be fixed.
You have no option but to talk about it. You might think that it will be heartbreaking to talk, but it will be nowhere near as heartbreaking as her finding out about this site, or you splitting up - and trust me - as a man - divorce can destroy you for years.
Marriage is not supposed to be always easy. Takes work and effort and good communication.
If you still actually love her and really want to make it work then you have the power to do that.
I suggest you start talking properly to your wife, like an adult should and get the hell off this site if she doesn't know about it.
If you throw away your marriage over something that you can fix or decide to live in misery for the next x years, then you're being pretty foolish.
Good luck.
"
I am not on this site looking to cheat on her I'm on here for the forums. If she did find out I was on here it wouldn't bother me I haven't done anything wrong . |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"It’s a tough decision OP and only one you snd your partner can make
How is your boys relationship with you both now? How often do you see you both see him
My lad has always had a good relationship with us both. He sees his dad every Thursday and every other Friday to Sunday. He will go there extra days if needed (ie if I’m ill) and holidays are split equally. We take it in turns to have him for Christmas and the same with birthday, although we both get to see him on his birthday.
The important thing is that neither of us bad mouth the other to him. Things have gone on that he will never know about, because he doesn’t need to.
Our priority is him and his well being
Ah right. I see what you mean but only seeing him once a week and then every other weekend would kill me tbh
Depends on what kind of access you arrange. I have the kids every other day, and alternative weekends. Frida
Exactly, the access is whatever you discuss and agree between you.
If the priority is your son's happiness then it's about how he feels not necessarily about how it would make you feel
Yes and he would feel he wants to be with me too
Then that's what you discuss and agree with your partner. You prioritise your son's happiness over all other things"
Yes that is what I'm trying to do |
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You don’t have to only have access every other week or whatever. As long as you don’t fall out then you can arrange whatever works for both of you.
When my marriage ended (I’m the man) I saw my daughter loads and kept a civil relationship with her mum.
It can be done, you don’t have to be enemies.
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"If your wife doesn't know that you are on this site then you seem already have one foot out the door. You seem to have checked out emotionally and your reasons for staying seem. mainly a fear of change. Many of your above replies sound like excuses to me why it can't be fixed.
You have no option but to talk about it. You might think that it will be heartbreaking to talk, but it will be nowhere near as heartbreaking as her finding out about this site, or you splitting up - and trust me - as a man - divorce can destroy you for years.
Marriage is not supposed to be always easy. Takes work and effort and good communication.
If you still actually love her and really want to make it work then you have the power to do that.
I suggest you start talking properly to your wife, like an adult should and get the hell off this site if she doesn't know about it.
If you throw away your marriage over something that you can fix or decide to live in misery for the next x years, then you're being pretty foolish.
Good luck.
I am not on this site looking to cheat on her I'm on here for the forums. If she did find out I was on here it wouldn't bother me I haven't done anything wrong ."
Sorry but I think if your partner saw your profile right now she would probably punch you in the bollocks, it doesn’t exactly say you are here for the forums  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
I am not on this site looking to cheat on her I'm on here for the forums. If she did find out I was on here it wouldn't bother me I haven't done anything wrong ."
Sorry but that's rubbish. Your profile doesn't say that you are here for the forum. It oozes desperation for sex.
If you were genuinely after advice then you would join relate, a marriage guidance site. Not a damn swinger site.
If you can't even tell the truth to yourself then you're not going to get very far. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"If your wife doesn't know that you are on this site then you seem already have one foot out the door. You seem to have checked out emotionally and your reasons for staying seem. mainly a fear of change. Many of your above replies sound like excuses to me why it can't be fixed.
You have no option but to talk about it. You might think that it will be heartbreaking to talk, but it will be nowhere near as heartbreaking as her finding out about this site, or you splitting up - and trust me - as a man - divorce can destroy you for years.
Marriage is not supposed to be always easy. Takes work and effort and good communication.
If you still actually love her and really want to make it work then you have the power to do that.
I suggest you start talking properly to your wife, like an adult should and get the hell off this site if she doesn't know about it.
If you throw away your marriage over something that you can fix or decide to live in misery for the next x years, then you're being pretty foolish.
Good luck.
I am not on this site looking to cheat on her I'm on here for the forums. If she did find out I was on here it wouldn't bother me I haven't done anything wrong .
Sorry but I think if your partner saw your profile right now she would probably punch you in the bollocks, it doesn’t exactly say you are here for the forums "
If she saw my mails shed realise |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"
I am not on this site looking to cheat on her I'm on here for the forums. If she did find out I was on here it wouldn't bother me I haven't done anything wrong .
Sorry but that's rubbish. Your profile doesn't say that you are here for the forum. It oozes desperation for sex.
If you were genuinely after advice then you would join relate, a marriage guidance site. Not a damn swinger site.
If you can't even tell the truth to yourself then you're not going to get very far. "
I'm not on here for relationship advice either friend I just posted on here to see what they think. If ivwas desperate for sex on here I could easily get it , either way I don't need you to believe me you can think what you want |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
I'm not on here for relationship advice either friend.. "
So why bother asking? You've had some good advice here and basically ignored it or argued against it as far as I can see.
As for your reasons behind being on the site then if you're innocent, then come clean and tell the wife. Or at least take the incoherent sex speak off your profile.
Personally I don't buy your story and frankly reckon the poor mother of your child likely deserves better.
Enjoy and I'm out. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"
I'm not on here for relationship advice either friend..
So why bother asking? You've had some good advice here and basically ignored it or argued against it as far as I can see.
As for your reasons behind being on the site then if you're innocent, then come clean and tell the wife. Or at least take the incoherent sex speak off your profile.
Personally I don't buy your story and frankly reckon the poor mother of your child likely deserves better.
Enjoy and I'm out. "
Shock all the negative people all coming out again what an I not allowed to ask the people of the forum for advice then? Am I not allowed to have an opinion on people's advice?? just because I disagree with one point you made that I'm not doing anything wrong on this site you start trying to offend me and get personal. You need to not be so sensitive about me disagreeing with you it'll make you a much happier person |
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"This thread is asking advice about your relationship though
Yes that isn't why I'm on fab though
He’s just here for the forum
Exactly "
What happens if you get an offer of a meet op? Do you meet up? Do you tell the wife? Not judging just asking |
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OP if you are stuck in a sexless relationship at your age then you really must do something about it
If I’m honest if you are no longer sexually attracted to her and on here too you are better off leaving the relationship for both of your sakes no matter how hard or impossible it seems
Perhaps your gf feels exactly the same
You both deserve the chance to be with people that want the whole mindblowing sex as well as the love and friendship
I say I stuck out a 20+ year relationship where I hated having sex with him, cringed at his touch but thought I had to stay because of the children
Trust me , it makes you so miserable the longer it goes on
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"I don't really want to talk about it because I don't really want to tell her I'm not sexually attracted to her anymore
Yet you will talk about it to a bunch of strangers on here
Thay in itself points to a problem of sorts"
Perhaps she has a tendency to flip out and start screaming and crying or making him feel like a child getting a major telling off from a parent when he brings up issues in the relationship, particularly if it's with her, so he daren't bring it up with her? I've been in that position with a long term girlfriend before and you end up miserably carrying it on way past its sell by date. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I don't really want to talk about it because I don't really want to tell her I'm not sexually attracted to her anymore
You don’t want to talk to her, but has she raised the subject with you as to why you are not having sex ?
It’s never an easy conversation, but it’s one of those honest conversations you need to have
Yeah she has asked me I just say I'm tired tbh. Don't want to hurt her and want my son to have both his parents together - I know what it's like having parents split up and I don't want him going through that tbh"
I am a result of a failed family unit - my mum has been through 2 divorces.
For me and my sister we both suffered more when my mum and dad tried to stay together. As soon as they agreed to split they were instantly happier, no longer arguing and it immediately improved mine and my sisters lives completely.
I agree with others who have said - you never ever stay with someone due to having children. It's mentally damaging for them as no matter what you think you are hiding, even with the best intentions - children pick up on certain behaviours.
If your focus for staying in a sexless marriage and you see your wife as more of a friend for the sake of your kids then what are you teaching them?
It has taken me years myself to learn what kind of people to surround myself and I do think part of that was my childhood watching my mum stay with someone who made her suffer inside.
It becomes an acceptable thing to deal with and it's really not.
Not only that, you say you love and care for her still - my honest opinion on this is you are doing her a great disservice as a friend, life partner whatever capacity you see her as - she deserves your honesty and a chance to make her own decision.
It's the hardest thing in the world to admit what you once had is gone and it hurts like hell, but it hurts even more when you discover this for yourself and have to work through feelings of betrayal and distrust.
Talk to her, or write it down if you're anxious over the confrontation - she needs an opportunity to voice her side too. It could surprise you hearing her perception of why things have fizzled out |
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"I don't really want to talk about it because I don't really want to tell her I'm not sexually attracted to her anymore
Yet you will talk about it to a bunch of strangers on here
Thay in itself points to a problem of sorts
Perhaps she has a tendency to flip out and start screaming and crying or making him feel like a child getting a major telling off from a parent when he brings up issues in the relationship, particularly if it's with her, so he daren't bring it up with her? I've been in that position with a long term girlfriend before and you end up miserably carrying it on way past its sell by date."
Me too, which is why I just walked away. Hard at the time but life is too short |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"This thread is asking advice about your relationship though
Yes that isn't why I'm on fab though
He’s just here for the forum
Exactly
What happens if you get an offer of a meet op? Do you meet up? Do you tell the wife? Not judging just asking "
Its would be a no |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"OP if you are stuck in a sexless relationship at your age then you really must do something about it
If I’m honest if you are no longer sexually attracted to her and on here too you are better off leaving the relationship for both of your sakes no matter how hard or impossible it seems
Perhaps your gf feels exactly the same
You both deserve the chance to be with people that want the whole mindblowing sex as well as the love and friendship
I say I stuck out a 20+ year relationship where I hated having sex with him, cringed at his touch but thought I had to stay because of the children
Trust me , it makes you so miserable the longer it goes on
"
This sums it up perfectly tbh, I feel like I should be able to find someone where I have the mind blowing sex and the amazing relation I have with her too -thank you |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I don't really want to talk about it because I don't really want to tell her I'm not sexually attracted to her anymore
You don’t want to talk to her, but has she raised the subject with you as to why you are not having sex ?
It’s never an easy conversation, but it’s one of those honest conversations you need to have
Yeah she has asked me I just say I'm tired tbh. Don't want to hurt her and want my son to have both his parents together - I know what it's like having parents split up and I don't want him going through that tbh
I am a result of a failed family unit - my mum has been through 2 divorces.
For me and my sister we both suffered more when my mum and dad tried to stay together. As soon as they agreed to split they were instantly happier, no longer arguing and it immediately improved mine and my sisters lives completely.
I agree with others who have said - you never ever stay with someone due to having children. It's mentally damaging for them as no matter what you think you are hiding, even with the best intentions - children pick up on certain behaviours.
If your focus for staying in a sexless marriage and you see your wife as more of a friend for the sake of your kids then what are you teaching them?
It has taken me years myself to learn what kind of people to surround myself and I do think part of that was my childhood watching my mum stay with someone who made her suffer inside.
It becomes an acceptable thing to deal with and it's really not.
Not only that, you say you love and care for her still - my honest opinion on this is you are doing her a great disservice as a friend, life partner whatever capacity you see her as - she deserves your honesty and a chance to make her own decision.
It's the hardest thing in the world to admit what you once had is gone and it hurts like hell, but it hurts even more when you discover this for yourself and have to work through feelings of betrayal and distrust.
Talk to her, or write it down if you're anxious over the confrontation - she needs an opportunity to voice her side too. It could surprise you hearing her perception of why things have fizzled out "
Yes that's good advice she might be feeling similar |
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"This thread is asking advice about your relationship though
Yes that isn't why I'm on fab though
He’s just here for the forum
Exactly
What happens if you get an offer of a meet op? Do you meet up? Do you tell the wife? Not judging just asking
Its would be a no "
Take the advice given from some of these post op, I would say even though you're not willing to cheat on her she won't see that if she finds out you're on here and things will end badly. hope you find some of the advice given helpful and do the right thing after all there are more than just you and the wife to worry about. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"This thread is asking advice about your relationship though
Yes that isn't why I'm on fab though
He’s just here for the forum
Exactly
What happens if you get an offer of a meet op? Do you meet up? Do you tell the wife? Not judging just asking
Its would be a no
Take the advice given from some of these post op, I would say even though you're not willing to cheat on her she won't see that if she finds out you're on here and things will end badly. hope you find some of the advice given helpful and do the right thing after all there are more than just you and the wife to worry about. "
Defo |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don't really want to talk about it because I don't really want to tell her I'm not sexually attracted to her anymore"
Without trying to sound like your Mum, we all have to go through life having conversations, we aren't comfortable with.
I think it's time to put on those "big boy pants" and just be honest with her.
You may find she's equally unhappy in the relationship too.
Good luck OP x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I don't really want to talk about it because I don't really want to tell her I'm not sexually attracted to her anymore
Without trying to sound like your Mum, we all have to go through life having conversations, we aren't comfortable with.
I think it's time to put on those "big boy pants" and just be honest with her.
You may find she's equally unhappy in the relationship too.
Good luck OP x"
Thank you, I defo need to man up and speak to her X |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I was in a sexless relationship for 20 years. My partner became completely A sexual after the birth of our child. There was no communication about it no matter how much I wanted to address the issue. Eventually we became more like brother and sister and it got to the point where I could no longer imagine sleeping with her and it became the norm. I was like op, leaving wasn't an option and for me neither was cheating. Eventually I did leave, that was 3 years ago. My ex is still like my sister but my life is happier and more fulfilled. So op in my experience you learn to accept although at times it's hard and things will come to a natural conclusion when the time is right. Sorry i can't be more positive for you in the short term.
This sounds so familiar as my wife and I haven’t had a sex life for many many years. She is now asexual and doesn’t want to talk about it. A few years ago like all the women in her family she developed a prolapse so sex is now impossible anyway. Otherwise the marriage works and the kids and dog are happy. We’ve no intention of separating as we want to grow old together, but I have sexual needs that yearn to be fulfilled. "
In all honesty the vast majority of the time you don't think about it. Its strange what you get used to but at some point something will change and you will want more. There are different types of love, I still love my ex and speak to her every day but. It was a shock to her when I told her I was leaving but we are both much happier now. She sees no one, her choice and I do what I want but don't share too many details. I hope you find a way to deal with things together and wish you well. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I was in a sexless relationship for 20 years. My partner became completely A sexual after the birth of our child. There was no communication about it no matter how much I wanted to address the issue. Eventually we became more like brother and sister and it got to the point where I could no longer imagine sleeping with her and it became the norm. I was like op, leaving wasn't an option and for me neither was cheating. Eventually I did leave, that was 3 years ago. My ex is still like my sister but my life is happier and more fulfilled. So op in my experience you learn to accept although at times it's hard and things will come to a natural conclusion when the time is right. Sorry i can't be more positive for you in the short term.
This sounds so familiar as my wife and I haven’t had a sex life for many many years. She is now asexual and doesn’t want to talk about it. A few years ago like all the women in her family she developed a prolapse so sex is now impossible anyway. Otherwise the marriage works and the kids and dog are happy. We’ve no intention of separating as we want to grow old together, but I have sexual needs that yearn to be fulfilled.
In all honesty the vast majority of the time you don't think about it. Its strange what you get used to but at some point something will change and you will want more. There are different types of love, I still love my ex and speak to her every day but. It was a shock to her when I told her I was leaving but we are both much happier now. She sees no one, her choice and I do what I want but don't share too many details. I hope you find a way to deal with things together and wish you well. "
Cheers mate appreciate the advice |
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"Familiarity breeds contempt.
There's only one way forward which is talking. How does she feel about the lack of sex? Is she OK with it? Some partnerships can be very successful without being sexual it depends on your reasons for staying together.
Big problems arise if one or both partners won't or can't discuss it. Nothing will change
I don’t agree at all that familiarity breeds contempt. Familiarity can also make you fall deeper in love. If you’re at the stage of feeling contemptuous towards your partner, there’s something more going on than just familiarity.
But I agree that discussion is an important first step.
I should maybe have put "sometimes" .
It can be an easy trap to fall on to. You come home to the same partner day after day, they aren't always fun and bubbly, you are often tired, bills have to be paid, socks have to be washed, kids need looking after. Your partner (if you're not careful) becomes a familiar presence no longer associated with sexy fun, lighthearted pleasure and carefree dating days. It takes a lot of work and communication to keep a sexual spark alive long term and if one person seeks the solution alone or refuses to discuss it then it won't ever be resolved.
Yes - totally agree that this can sometimes be the case. I think that saying is a bit daft, I’ve always disliked it. Contempt is such a strong word; and it’s never familiarity alone that leads to contempt, in some cases familiarity makes you feel more in love (trust, dependability, knowing someone inside out etc...). It’s surely the taking of your partner for granted and lack of communication etc that starts the slippery downward slope. Familiarity with communication, respect, and time made for each other can only strengthen a relationship in my view. "
Yes, the phrase is a bit daft I agree |
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By *modDMan
over a year ago
Lichfield |
"Anybody has any experience of this ? My current girlfriend and I never have sex, mainly because I don't want it with her seems to be the spark missing.
Anyone got any ideas how to get it going in our relationship? Splitting up isn't an option before anyone says "
You're 26 years old and have run out of ideas?
Have you thought about taking up trainspotting? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Anybody has any experience of this ? My current girlfriend and I never have sex, mainly because I don't want it with her seems to be the spark missing.
Anyone got any ideas how to get it going in our relationship? Splitting up isn't an option before anyone says
You're 26 years old and have run out of ideas?
Have you thought about taking up trainspotting?"
Yes considerably |
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Only you Op know why you don't want it with her but do with other people. Plus the 2 of you know what you each want from the relationship.
You've really got to start and end with yourselves, if you are looking for what the relationship is all about etc. You'll both know how presumably the sexual side used to work.
You're looking for sex on fab, so is your motivation to become satisfied with others, rather than restore what you haven't managed between you?
Information and advice needs more input from you, so we understand the context. Has she a fab profile too? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Only you Op know why you don't want it with her but do with other people. Plus the 2 of you know what you each want from the relationship.
You've really got to start and end with yourselves, if you are looking for what the relationship is all about etc. You'll both know how presumably the sexual side used to work.
You're looking for sex on fab, so is your motivation to become satisfied with others, rather than restore what you haven't managed between you?
Information and advice needs more input from you, so we understand the context. Has she a fab profile too? "
No I'm only on fab for the forums not looking for a bang. No she doesn't have one. Tbh the sexual side has never been as strong with her as it was with previous partners she's just fitter. Our baby was not planned tbh but I would give up my world for him now |
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Trust is a core component of a close loving relationship. Yet op you're stating that you don't have the trust together to share with honesty what the situation is for you for the relationship. You're here in fab potentially looking for sex with others that would damage the trust that she may have in you. And yet you aren't honest and brave enough to be open with her. You're creating a model relationship for your son that isn't something that would give him the lasting happiness and intimacy that he could have. He may smile when he sees you everyday now but by your saying that you will stick with his mum for his sake, he's not being given the full choices that he would perhaps take if he understood things better.
You are the adult who is trusted with responsibility for his earlier life but you are cheating him from the better stability that he could have, because you are thinking of yourself as you don't just want to see him a few days a week now. Adults understand that sometimes we have to make sacrifices that we don't want to.
I know you purportedly are asking here about how to get a rekindled sex life but I can't help wondering if you aren't more unhappy with how things are and you're pushing that behind a front with your laddish talk, as you know deep down this is a shite way to live and treat other people, whilst also short changing yourself.
Your partner can't understand things without your honesty. Neither of you will be able to fully engage with what a successful and happy future is, until you caringly allow yourself to be open with her again. Your son will also not be as able to grow freely unil his parents are living without a huge unspoken about block is behind them. Your home(s) will be places for him to be secure once you show the full loving side of yourself, rather than a cut down version instead |
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By *modDMan
over a year ago
Lichfield |
When there's a young one around can be a hard time for a young man*, when her time has to be divided and you more often than not take second billing.
It's not all about you any more. Some nights she may just be knackered. Have you questioned whether you are doing enough yourself?
*Obviously it's an especially hard time for mum, too. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Trust is a core component of a close loving relationship. Yet op you're stating that you don't have the trust together to share with honesty what the situation is for you for the relationship. You're here in fab potentially looking for sex with others that would damage the trust that she may have in you. And yet you aren't honest and brave enough to be open with her. You're creating a model relationship for your son that isn't something that would give him the lasting happiness and intimacy that he could have. He may smile when he sees you everyday now but by your saying that you will stick with his mum for his sake, he's not being given the full choices that he would perhaps take if he understood things better.
You are the adult who is trusted with responsibility for his earlier life but you are cheating him from the better stability that he could have, because you are thinking of yourself as you don't just want to see him a few days a week now. Adults understand that sometimes we have to make sacrifices that we don't want to.
I know you purportedly are asking here about how to get a rekindled sex life but I can't help wondering if you aren't more unhappy with how things are and you're pushing that behind a front with your laddish talk, as you know deep down this is a shite way to live and treat other people, whilst also short changing yourself.
Your partner can't understand things without your honesty. Neither of you will be able to fully engage with what a successful and happy future is, until you caringly allow yourself to be open with her again. Your son will also not be as able to grow freely unil his parents are living without a huge unspoken about block is behind them. Your home(s) will be places for him to be secure once you show the full loving side of yourself, rather than a cut down version instead "
I honestly think he will have a better life is together than apart, maybe I'm wrong maybe I'm not but thank you for your comment. You are right I need to be honest with her |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Someone may have said this but you're young, I'm assuming she's a similar age, you have a baby, life is busy. It's extremely tiring looking after a baby. Maybe it's a temporary thing?"
Yes maybe , I did think before my connection sexually with her hasn't been as strong as previous partners |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"When there's a young one around can be a hard time for a young man*, when her time has to be divided and you more often than not take second billing.
It's not all about you any more. Some nights she may just be knackered. Have you questioned whether you are doing enough yourself?
*Obviously it's an especially hard time for mum, too."
Of course. I know I'm definitely not I'm the one who puts it off tbh |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I need to stop being selfish and consider her feelings "
Can you talk honestly with her? If she knows you're not going to sod off and 'leave her holding the baby' she might be more open to whatever you decide.
I know couples who stayed living together for the kids but just as friends. Cheaper living together, easier looking after the kids, but no relationship issues as they were friends.
A mate once said to me how would I feel if I was in the same situation 10 years from now... we get stuck in the same rut because we're scared to change things. But it's better to be living those 10 years happy than miserable. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I need to stop being selfish and consider her feelings
Can you talk honestly with her? If she knows you're not going to sod off and 'leave her holding the baby' she might be more open to whatever you decide.
I know couples who stayed living together for the kids but just as friends. Cheaper living together, easier looking after the kids, but no relationship issues as they were friends.
A mate once said to me how would I feel if I was in the same situation 10 years from now... we get stuck in the same rut because we're scared to change things. But it's better to be living those 10 years happy than miserable. "
Yes I think that would be perfect situation if we could be friends and stay loving together, don't know how feasible that is though |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Lad, I actually like you, you seem like such an odd, kind, beautiful yet slightly tortured soul. When I'm next out your way I'm going to insist that you take me for a drink and we do some man talking shiz, but no funny business unless there's fanny involved, ok....?  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Lad, I actually like you, you seem like such an odd, kind, beautiful yet slightly tortured soul. When I'm next out your way I'm going to insist that you take me for a drink and we do some man talking shiz, but no funny business unless there's fanny involved, ok....? "
Odd you taking the piss ? Sounds like a date. No homo though I'm as straight as an arrow boss |
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