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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Following a response from my earlier thread.
Someone said " I have never once asked how was I"
While there are different ways to word this surely it's fairly common to wonder "how you were" what the person really thought or how you perhaps compare to others.
How else do you improve or understand a new partner for example, without that honest communication about what works or what didn't?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I think you can communicate well without directly asking how you were. I'd find that approach a bit startling"
I agree that's probably not the way to word it !
However it's the crux of what I want to know |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I like to hand out anonymous performance feedback questionnaires that they are free to fill out once I've left, and return to me at a later date."
Ha ha I actually would quite like to do that with everyone I've ever slept with and see what I got back |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
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With some people I can directly ask that question. They get my Aspie directness and don't find it really odd. With others I frame it in discussing what we'd like to do at a later date. I'm not concerned with how I compare to others - I don't compare how people are sexually and those I meet are of a similar mindset.
Sometimes it can be really hot to say "I've been thinking about you; I really enjoyed x, y and z" and they'll respond in a similar way and then that channel of discussion is open.
I do think honest, direct communication helps improve sex for the next time. |
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"Don't you say things like “that's really good" or "a bit lower/higher/softer/harder/slower/faster" as you go along? Or something like "I'd really like to try x"? "
Harder, better, faster, stronger?  |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
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"Don't you say things like “that's really good" or "a bit lower/higher/softer/harder/slower/faster" as you go along? Or something like "I'd really like to try x"?
Harder, better, faster, stronger? "
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"I like to hand out anonymous performance feedback questionnaires that they are free to fill out once I've left, and return to me at a later date.
Ha ha I actually would quite like to do that with everyone I've ever slept with and see what I got back "
Wouldn't we all. I'm sure there'd be some interesting things to read on them  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"It's direct. But it's also someone who wants ego boosting or confidence boosting if they ask you how was I?"
I think asking it in that way possibly won't get an honest reply . It's unlikely anyone will say " actually Sin you were a bit rubbish" |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Don't you say things like “that's really good" or "a bit lower/higher/softer/harder/slower/faster" as you go along? Or something like "I'd really like to try x"? "
Of course the constant communication during is important |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Communication is important to know what your partner enjoys and if you're giving maximum enjoyment. It tends to be more in the normal flow of conversation and observation ... and more about their enjoyment rather than my performance. Hopefully, they want me to enjoy the experience too and will make sure they know what I like too. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"With some people I can directly ask that question. They get my Aspie directness and don't find it really odd. With others I frame it in discussing what we'd like to do at a later date. I'm not concerned with how I compare to others - I don't compare how people are sexually and those I meet are of a similar mindset.
Sometimes it can be really hot to say "I've been thinking about you; I really enjoyed x, y and z" and they'll respond in a similar way and then that channel of discussion is open.
I do think honest, direct communication helps improve sex for the next time."
Agreed. All about how it's framed and talking openly about things you might want to try or do again |
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I know this question can seem as though its ego seeking but surely it should be more aimed at improving your skills.
I'm think along the lines of what I've heard male mates saying outside of here with bj's & how Alot of girls teeth scrap. But without saying to the girl how is she supposed to know & the same goes vise versa with blokes & thinking that flicking their finger off your cervix is comfortable...it's not (well to me anyway). |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Following a response from my earlier thread.
Someone said " I have never once asked how was I"
While there are different ways to word this surely it's fairly common to wonder "how you were" what the person really thought or how you perhaps compare to others.
How else do you improve or understand a new partner for example, without that honest communication about what works or what didn't?
"
sex is sex you enjoy it or you dont, i never worry about details i arrive with a smile and leave with one  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I know this question can seem as though its ego seeking but surely it should be more aimed at improving your skills.
I'm think along the lines of what I've heard male mates saying outside of here with bj's & how Alot of girls teeth scrap. But without saying to the girl how is she supposed to know & the same goes vise versa with blokes & thinking that flicking their finger off your cervix is comfortable...it's not (well to me anyway). "
I think it's definitely about improving rather than an ego boost
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"Don't you say things like “that's really good" or "a bit lower/higher/softer/harder/slower/faster" as you go along? Or something like "I'd really like to try x"?
Of course the constant communication during is important "
I think some people would struggle (I'm one of them) to answer honestly if someone asked me directly how they did. I really wouldn't appreciate someone telling me either. I'd feel as if I was required to put on a performance that would be critiqued afterwards. For me I prefer to let things develop and guide/be guided as we go along. I'd feel a bit meh if I'd really enjoyed myself and someone held up a score card of 5 at the end |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Don't you say things like “that's really good" or "a bit lower/higher/softer/harder/slower/faster" as you go along? Or something like "I'd really like to try x"?
Of course the constant communication during is important
I think some people would struggle (I'm one of them) to answer honestly if someone asked me directly how they did. I really wouldn't appreciate someone telling me either. I'd feel as if I was required to put on a performance that would be critiqued afterwards. For me I prefer to let things develop and guide/be guided as we go along. I'd feel a bit meh if I'd really enjoyed myself and someone held up a score card of 5 at the end "
lol yes this, don’t analyse it enjoy it |
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I remember watching one of those shows that helped couples who had problems with their sex life. One guy would rate his wife afterwards, usually pretty low. They asked him why and his reply was so that she could improve. She sat through the whole interview quietly but smiling. Eventually they asked her if she rated him afterwards, she said no so they asked her to. I laughed my socks off when she rated him far lower than he'd rated her... the look on his face! |
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I like communication about what worked, what doesn't work for them and things they want to try. I enjoy experimenting and gaining feedback on the things that hit the spot. For me it's a shared experience of figuring each other out and learning what pushes each other's buttons.
I wouldn't want to know how I compared to others and I wouldn't make that comparison to someone else either. That's not what it's about for me. My best experiences have always just been down to the person knowing my body well over time and us listening to each other when we've communicated what we like. |
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At a slight tangent but still connected. I'm often surprised to read that people "think" their partner enjoys a certain thing or when women say things like "I get fed up of men trying to make me squirt". Why aren't people just saying they like or don't like something as its happening? Why just think your partner's enjoying something or endure something you don't like? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I remember watching one of those shows that helped couples who had problems with their sex life. One guy would rate his wife afterwards, usually pretty low. They asked him why and his reply was so that she could improve. She sat through the whole interview quietly but smiling. Eventually they asked her if she rated him afterwards, she said no so they asked her to. I laughed my socks off when she rated him far lower than he'd rated her... the look on his face! "
My ex husband frequently made remarks about me when it came to sex and its laughable when I look back. I'd actually enjoy the revenge of making him watch me with someone else still just to prove that the problem was him and not me.
I digress though. Well played that woman |
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"I remember watching one of those shows that helped couples who had problems with their sex life. One guy would rate his wife afterwards, usually pretty low. They asked him why and his reply was so that she could improve. She sat through the whole interview quietly but smiling. Eventually they asked her if she rated him afterwards, she said no so they asked her to. I laughed my socks off when she rated him far lower than he'd rated her... the look on his face!
My ex husband frequently made remarks about me when it came to sex and its laughable when I look back. I'd actually enjoy the revenge of making him watch me with someone else still just to prove that the problem was him and not me.
I digress though. Well played that woman "
Really!? What a #@*#! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I remember watching one of those shows that helped couples who had problems with their sex life. One guy would rate his wife afterwards, usually pretty low. They asked him why and his reply was so that she could improve. She sat through the whole interview quietly but smiling. Eventually they asked her if she rated him afterwards, she said no so they asked her to. I laughed my socks off when she rated him far lower than he'd rated her... the look on his face!
My ex husband frequently made remarks about me when it came to sex and its laughable when I look back. I'd actually enjoy the revenge of making him watch me with someone else still just to prove that the problem was him and not me.
I digress though. Well played that woman
Really!? What a #@*#!"
He was but I take some satisfaction in his misery now |
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By *tew008Man
over a year ago
edinburgh |
"I remember watching one of those shows that helped couples who had problems with their sex life. One guy would rate his wife afterwards, usually pretty low. They asked him why and his reply was so that she could improve. She sat through the whole interview quietly but smiling. Eventually they asked her if she rated him afterwards, she said no so they asked her to. I laughed my socks off when she rated him far lower than he'd rated her... the look on his face!
My ex husband frequently made remarks about me when it came to sex and its laughable when I look back. I'd actually enjoy the revenge of making him watch me with someone else still just to prove that the problem was him and not me.
I digress though. Well played that woman
Really!? What a #@*#!"
Sounds abit insecure and petty on the whole. Better just actually speaking but hey, what do I know. |
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"I remember watching one of those shows that helped couples who had problems with their sex life. One guy would rate his wife afterwards, usually pretty low. They asked him why and his reply was so that she could improve. She sat through the whole interview quietly but smiling. Eventually they asked her if she rated him afterwards, she said no so they asked her to. I laughed my socks off when she rated him far lower than he'd rated her... the look on his face!
My ex husband frequently made remarks about me when it came to sex and its laughable when I look back. I'd actually enjoy the revenge of making him watch me with someone else still just to prove that the problem was him and not me.
I digress though. Well played that woman "
My ex blamed him cheating on me on the fact I don't enjoy really hard, deep pounding. Some people are just bellends. |
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"At a slight tangent but still connected. I'm often surprised to read that people "think" their partner enjoys a certain thing or when women say things like "I get fed up of men trying to make me squirt". Why aren't people just saying they like or don't like something as its happening? Why just think your partner's enjoying something or endure something you don't like? "
I think its b lots of people are frightened of open and honest dialogue. In real life and on Fab.
Some people are people pleasers. Some people have experience of relationships (work/home/emotional) where they've learnt it's easier to keep quiet than speak up.
Yes good communication is healthy,but it takes a certain amount of self confidence and emotional maturity,and it's something some people find challenging.
I think communication skills should be taught at school to be honest.
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By *VineMan
over a year ago
The right place |
If you want to get better at something then it’s always good to get feedback. I wouldn’t bother if it was a one off but if it’s someone I’m seeing regularly then I’d like to know. Not all feedback is verbal though, a lot can be picked up from body language and non verbal cues. |
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By *VineMan
over a year ago
The right place |
Also, I wouldn’t want to ask in a way that was trying to compare me to others. I don’t think that’s helpful. But if it was asked in a way that meant, ‘is there anything in particular you’d like me to do differently’ then that’s helpful. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"At a slight tangent but still connected. I'm often surprised to read that people "think" their partner enjoys a certain thing or when women say things like "I get fed up of men trying to make me squirt". Why aren't people just saying they like or don't like something as its happening? Why just think your partner's enjoying something or endure something you don't like? "
  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Also, I wouldn’t want to ask in a way that was trying to compare me to others. I don’t think that’s helpful. But if it was asked in a way that meant, ‘is there anything in particular you’d like me to do differently’ then that’s helpful. "
This for me too. I'm no sex goddess and some won't like the way I fuck/ suck/ lay lie a sack of spuds. But some do like it so no point in me comparing myself. |
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"At a slight tangent but still connected. I'm often surprised to read that people "think" their partner enjoys a certain thing or when women say things like "I get fed up of men trying to make me squirt". Why aren't people just saying they like or don't like something as its happening? Why just think your partner's enjoying something or endure something you don't like?
I think its b lots of people are frightened of open and honest dialogue. In real life and on Fab.
Some people are people pleasers. Some people have experience of relationships (work/home/emotional) where they've learnt it's easier to keep quiet than speak up.
Yes good communication is healthy,but it takes a certain amount of self confidence and emotional maturity,and it's something some people find challenging.
I think communication skills should be taught at school to be honest.
"
Oh I get that. Talking openly is very difficult and I don't think the culture that exists of sort of sexual standards eg all women enjoy oral, all men like receiving blow jobs etc helps. It does take confidence to go against the grain. |
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