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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
I'm not speaking from a personal perspective here, it's something that was sparked in a recent post.
I'm sure that most, if not all of us have done things in the past to hurt people and have done things that we regret. Some people just shrug it off and move on, others look to make amends and for an act of redemption.
If you've ever sought this, did you do so with others or with those you've hurt? Is a redemptive act that doesn't include the injured party just a self serving exercise?
Thoughts folks
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Personally I think a redemptive anything is a self serving action regardless if it includes the injured party or not. It’s not about making amends to the person you hurt but rather reducing guilt... cynical view it may be but that’s how I see it. |
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If I have been careless enough to hurt someone then I endeavour to make amends. This is in order to repair the damage and not to make myself feel saintly. Sometimes the damage is better as an emotional write off. Dependent on the circumstances it can be easier on all parties to cut ties without a redemption attempt. |
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I’ve done it twice face to face.
One I knew I hurt in my younger days. It was good for both of us to talk it through, as all caused by me being a stubborn mare and once I say something, I don’t change my mind or look back. We both got closure from it.
The second I didn’t want to talk about it as was done in my mind, but it helped him move on, he needed to explain why and that I had forgiven him
Both of these happened 10 years after the incident. |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"Personally I think a redemptive anything is a self serving action regardless if it includes the injured party or not. It’s not about making amends to the person you hurt but rather reducing guilt... cynical view it may be but that’s how I see it. "
I do agree with you, asking for forgiveness is asking more of the wronged party. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Do you mean like drawing a line under crap that happened and moving on?
No, I mean like atoning and making up for what bad things you might have have done. "
Won't that depend on what the other person demands? |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"Do you mean like drawing a line under crap that happened and moving on?
No, I mean like atoning and making up for what bad things you might have have done.
Won't that depend on what the other person demands?"
Is that what your idea of a remptive act is based on?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm assuming that you mean emotionally?
Yes I guess I did want redemption. I apologised, though sometimes I think people feel so hurt that despite an apology, you'll never feel truly forgiven?
I suppose amending your ways is the best way to redeem oneself, but you wont always get the blessing of others? |
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By * Lexi xWoman
over a year ago
stockport |
I’ve recently been on the receiving end of some very hurtful behaviour.
I know I will never get an apology.
All I can do is dust myself dow and move on.
Rather than concentrate on the ones that hurt you appreciate the love and support around you. It’s amazing how many I really have  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm sure how you'd seek redemption with anyone but the person you've upset? What do you mean by this Tea?
I try incredibly hard not to hurt or upset someone, but when I do, I apologise and explain why I did or said or acted like I did. It happens so rarely that anyone who knows me well know I don't have an unkind bone in my body, and we sort things out. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If the other party aren't seeking acknowledgement, or won't benefit from my admittance.. then I dont feel the need to seek it.
There are things that have/do sit on my mind that I would like the chance to apologise for. Like you say OP, it's more for me than it is them and would probably do more harm than heal.
I'm the sort of person who tends to admit I'm wrong (if I truly believe I am) or have had a hand in some sort of failure/mistake/misbehaviour. Well.. I am now. |
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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago
Liverpool |
"If the other party aren't seeking acknowledgement, or won't benefit from my admittance.. then I dont feel the need to seek it.
There are things that have/do sit on my mind that I would like the chance to apologise for. Like you say OP, it's more for me than it is them and would probably do more harm than heal.
I'm the sort of person who tends to admit I'm wrong (if I truly believe I am) or have had a hand in some sort of failure/mistake/misbehaviour. Well.. I am now."
I'm generally the same. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If I'm wrong I'll admit it. If however I've been wronged I find it hard to forgive although I would try to xx"
Do you need someone to admit they were in the wrong before you're prepared to forgive? I think I do. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don't think its enitrely self-serving - it's good to acknowldge faults and it's not like personal development isn't
something that just stops at any age.
If that is what it is. Because there really isn't any guarantee that the injured party actually gives a fuck. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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These are two seperate questions though. The question is if it is self serving not if you can forgive or admit when you are wrong. One would hope you do that anyway. But we are essentially selfish in nature and even the most honourable of actions are partly driven by how it makes us feel. It relieves guilt, it makes us feel good etc...
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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago
Liverpool |
"Personally I think a redemptive anything is a self serving action regardless if it includes the injured party or not. It’s not about making amends to the person you hurt but rather reducing guilt... cynical view it may be but that’s how I see it.
I do agree with you, asking for forgiveness is asking more of the wronged party. "
I agree but only partially. Yes trying to make amends is generally a self serving gesture, however as a wronged party sometimes holding on to a grudge and not giving forgiveness can be a dangerous thing that does yourself (as the wronged party) no favours and can stop closure in some cases. By the other trying to make amends it gives the wronged party a bit more of a motivation to try and forgive. |
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By *pider-WomanWoman
over a year ago
Exeter, Bristol, Plymouth, Truro |
If I'm wrong I'm always happy to hold my hands up, apologise when possible and try to make it right.
However when others treat me badly I may forgive but I never forget.
There are no second chances once the trust has gone. It's a shame more people dont have a little more depth to them.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Personally I think a redemptive anything is a self serving action regardless if it includes the injured party or not. It’s not about making amends to the person you hurt but rather reducing guilt... cynical view it may be but that’s how I see it.
I do agree with you, asking for forgiveness is asking more of the wronged party.
I agree but only partially. Yes trying to make amends is generally a self serving gesture, however as a wronged party sometimes holding on to a grudge and not giving forgiveness can be a dangerous thing that does yourself (as the wronged party) no favours and can stop closure in some cases. By the other trying to make amends it gives the wronged party a bit more of a motivation to try and forgive. "
We don’t get to choose what happens to us in life, but how you react is a choice. So if the wronged party choose not to forgive and forget then that is on them. We can all just take responsibility for our own actions not those of others. |
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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago
Liverpool |
"Personally I think a redemptive anything is a self serving action regardless if it includes the injured party or not. It’s not about making amends to the person you hurt but rather reducing guilt... cynical view it may be but that’s how I see it.
I do agree with you, asking for forgiveness is asking more of the wronged party.
I agree but only partially. Yes trying to make amends is generally a self serving gesture, however as a wronged party sometimes holding on to a grudge and not giving forgiveness can be a dangerous thing that does yourself (as the wronged party) no favours and can stop closure in some cases. By the other trying to make amends it gives the wronged party a bit more of a motivation to try and forgive.
We don’t get to choose what happens to us in life, but how you react is a choice. So if the wronged party choose not to forgive and forget then that is on them. We can all just take responsibility for our own actions not those of others. "
Yes but sometimes without that gesture of trying to make amends from them you never move toward the path of giving forgiveness. Until that gesture is offered it may even be impossible to let go of the grudge/pain/anger. Giving forgiveness can be a release of a lot of unhealthy emotions and frustrations that should not always be held on to, causing stress and other darkness (so to speak) to take hold.
Forgiving is not the same as forgetting it ever happened. With that said somethings can never be forgiven by everyone. We each have our own limits and boundaries to what can be forgiven. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Personally I think a redemptive anything is a self serving action regardless if it includes the injured party or not. It’s not about making amends to the person you hurt but rather reducing guilt... cynical view it may be but that’s how I see it.
I do agree with you, asking for forgiveness is asking more of the wronged party.
I agree but only partially. Yes trying to make amends is generally a self serving gesture, however as a wronged party sometimes holding on to a grudge and not giving forgiveness can be a dangerous thing that does yourself (as the wronged party) no favours and can stop closure in some cases. By the other trying to make amends it gives the wronged party a bit more of a motivation to try and forgive.
We don’t get to choose what happens to us in life, but how you react is a choice. So if the wronged party choose not to forgive and forget then that is on them. We can all just take responsibility for our own actions not those of others.
Yes but sometimes without that gesture of trying to make amends from them you never move toward the path of giving forgiveness. Until that gesture is offered it may even be impossible to let go of the grudge/pain/anger. Giving forgiveness can be a release of a lot of unhealthy emotions and frustrations that should not always be held on to, causing stress and other darkness (so to speak) to take hold.
Forgiving is not the same as forgetting it ever happened. With that said somethings can never be forgiven by everyone. We each have our own limits and boundaries to what can be forgiven."
I agree with what you are saying. For me it will come down to what was done and if I actually believe the person’s remorse. People say a lot of things they don’t mean and therefore I would work through it take my lessons learnt and forgive because that what I need for my well being. That said I wouldn’t forget and chances are that person will be gone from my life. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Do you mean like drawing a line under crap that happened and moving on?
No, I mean like atoning and making up for what bad things you might have have done.
Won't that depend on what the other person demands?
Is that what your idea of a remptive act is based on?
"
Yes their opinion matters. I could do many things to try to make things better, but if they don't agree it's all pointless. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think ppl often wreck themselves trying to fix things when it'd be more productive to focus in not fucking up again and making it better in their next encounter. Once you've wronged someone it's usually impossible to right things and gain that level of trust again..... Next and better is better and leave the person be.... |
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By *manaWoman
over a year ago
Basingstoke |
"If I'm wrong I'll admit it. If however I've been wronged I find it hard to forgive although I would try to xx
Do you need someone to admit they were in the wrong before you're prepared to forgive? I think I do."
Actually GK yes, I think I do.
That's a huge flaw I have, my mum told me that I should stop expecting others to have the same heart I do.
That stuck with me but yet I really struggle when people dont you know? Xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If I'm wrong I'll admit it. If however I've been wronged I find it hard to forgive although I would try to xx
Do you need someone to admit they were in the wrong before you're prepared to forgive? I think I do.
Actually GK yes, I think I do.
That's a huge flaw I have, my mum told me that I should stop expecting others to have the same heart I do.
That stuck with me but yet I really struggle when people dont you know? Xx"
I know. I don't think of it as a flaw. I'm stubborn. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If I'm wrong I'll admit it. If however I've been wronged I find it hard to forgive although I would try to xx
Do you need someone to admit they were in the wrong before you're prepared to forgive? I think I do.
Actually GK yes, I think I do.
That's a huge flaw I have, my mum told me that I should stop expecting others to have the same heart I do.
That stuck with me but yet I really struggle when people dont you know? Xx
I know. I don't think of it as a flaw. I'm stubborn."
 |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
I'm not sure I can ever redeem myself for some things I have done. The acts towards those people probably mean that I was forgiven but I have not forgotten so I don't count it as redemption.
We can all practice forgiveness but the forgetting part is just as important but much, much harder to do.
I try to pay it forward wherever possible. Where I have not done enough to redeem myself with someone I *try* to be kinder to someone else.
Yes, it's selfish.
Yes, I'm a bit tortured at the moment.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm not sure I can ever redeem myself for some things I have done. The acts towards those people probably mean that I was forgiven but I have not forgotten so I don't count it as redemption.
We can all practice forgiveness but the forgetting part is just as important but much, much harder to do.
I try to pay it forward wherever possible. Where I have not done enough to redeem myself with someone I *try* to be kinder to someone else.
Yes, it's selfish.
Yes, I'm a bit tortured at the moment.
"
I think you're lovely. A really strong caring soul |
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"If I'm wrong I'm always happy to hold my hands up, apologise when possible and try to make it right.
However when others treat me badly I may forgive but I never forget.
There are no second chances once the trust has gone. It's a shame more people dont have a little more depth to them. "
I’d write pretty much the same. Once I’ve been wronged I walk away - end of. I’m more than willing to talk, heal the wound and apologise if it’s someone I genuinely like or care about. |
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By *manaWoman
over a year ago
Basingstoke |
"If I'm wrong I'll admit it. If however I've been wronged I find it hard to forgive although I would try to xx
Do you need someone to admit they were in the wrong before you're prepared to forgive? I think I do.
Actually GK yes, I think I do.
That's a huge flaw I have, my mum told me that I should stop expecting others to have the same heart I do.
That stuck with me but yet I really struggle when people dont you know? Xx
I know. I don't think of it as a flaw. I'm stubborn."
Yeah, you are probably right  I'm stubborn too I suppose xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm not sure I can ever redeem myself for some things I have done. The acts towards those people probably mean that I was forgiven but I have not forgotten so I don't count it as redemption.
We can all practice forgiveness but the forgetting part is just as important but much, much harder to do.
I try to pay it forward wherever possible. Where I have not done enough to redeem myself with someone I *try* to be kinder to someone else.
Yes, it's selfish.
Yes, I'm a bit tortured at the moment.
I think you're lovely. A really strong caring soul "
I think she is too.
Hope you know it (deep down?) Lickety x |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
If I've done someone wrong I'll try and make it up to that person and that person alone if I can, and usually by demonstrable actions of atonement or talking something through to try and explain and apologise |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
I try and better myself so I don't repeat the same mistakes and I'm a better person/friend to both the person I've wronged and others I know. And for myself, so I can happily live with who I am.
I forgive people up to a certain extent; we're all imperfectly perfect and we all fuck up. Certain things being said or actions taken I find it hard to.
I'm the sort of person who probably too quickly apologises but I do feel this almost instant regret, to some extent I guess it's a self serving exercise but I also know from experience that I'd much rather people owned their failings and then showed they weren't doing them again through actions. If I think or know I've done/said wrong I think it's good to apologise and clarify. I've a few friendships where it's actually strengthened things between us - getting to that point can be difficult and take time though.
I treat people how I like to be treated, however wrong or right that may be basically.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'd never set out to intentionally hurt someone even if I've been on the receiving end of something that person has said or done.
If I'm in the wrong I will apologise and try to move on from it. It may take me some time but I'll do it.
If I'm wronged by others, I'm not one of these that purposely gets others involved to try and gang up against that person. I try and resolve the issue best I can but unfortunately this isn't always possible and the only option is to walk away and hope that the other individual is mature enough to behave in a reasonable manner should we be in the same location at the same time. |
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