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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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For all you dad's out there, you ever feel like you have trouble bonding with your son?, I'm always last option with him it seems even when he's with people he hasn't seen in months, he can't wait to get away from me, whenever I'm holding him and he sees other people in the family straight away he's trying to get away from me, it's embarrassing and upsetting. he's only 3 but he never seems to want to play or be with me.
I work all week but spend the afternoons and weekends with him,
Any advice on how to bond with him more? I constantly try and interact with him to no avail and it's really getting me down recently.
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Kids go through phases, it used to be all about me with one of our boys then it was his father and now it's me again. Just keep doing what you are doing, it'll come round to you again soon no doubt |
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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago
Liverpool |
Unfortunately sometimes that is just how it goes. I have never really bonded with my dad, at any stage of my life. I have a friend in a similar position as you, his son is 9 now.
That is no reason to not keep trying to bond but sometimes it just does not form. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"For all you dad's out there, you ever feel like you have trouble bonding with your son?, I'm always last option with him it seems even when he's with people he hasn't seen in months, he can't wait to get away from me, whenever I'm holding him and he sees other people in the family straight away he's trying to get away from me, it's embarrassing and upsetting. he's only 3 but he never seems to want to play or be with me.
I work all week but spend the afternoons and weekends with him,
Any advice on how to bond with him more? I constantly try and interact with him to no avail and it's really getting me down recently.
"
You don't need to hold his fascination constantly for him to love you or for you to love him in return.
My boys are their own things. Each reacts and responds differently. One talks to me when he's sad, the other to his mum. They both love us and we love them.
I give them freedom to do a lot of what they want to do, but they get bored and run back to Dad for entertainment and ideas.
Just let him be, tell him you love him, show him you love him, show him you're there if ever he needs/wants you.
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I think our own children always find other people more interesting than ourselves at time's,I know mine did and it hurt at the time. There's many people in our children's life who will influence them and appear more 'cool' but when he's older he will appreciate you trust me. Always be there for me whatever happens.
Take him to the park when it's quiet then he'll just have you for attention and go on thing's with him,have fun together just you and him. Do a bit of baking/painting together. |
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"I think our own children always find other people more interesting than ourselves at time's,I know mine did and it hurt at the time. There's many people in our children's life who will influence them and appear more 'cool' but when he's older he will appreciate you trust me. Always be there for him whatever happens.
Take him to the park when it's quiet then he'll just have you for attention and go on thing's with him,have fun together just you and him. Do a bit of baking/painting together."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The problem is he's more interested than people than me too, he hasn't been in any stage of wanting me  "
Are you together with his mum? Do you get on ok with her?
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By *reya73Woman
over a year ago
Whitley Bay |
Excuse me for butting in .. I know you've addressed the dad's. But i know a little about this on a development level.
It's natural for babies and toddlers to 'prefer'/need the mother seemingly more than the father. Humans are hard wired this way, especially if breastfed and/or have a close maternal bond.
Developmentally, they are still strongly attached to seeing the world from the closeness of the maternal (or sometimes annoyingly, upsetting, grandma, grandad uncle etc).
When children are ready, they begin to develop a stronger awareness of self, their individuality. Separate from experiencal, survival existence and a little more aware of their place and impact and actions. Around 5/6 years they naturally pull away from mother and bonds with fathers can start to feel stronger.
Your constant love and presence is invaluable. Be patient. Lovely dad. It will all pay off.
Dont try too hard, just join him in HIS world. Let him come to you, make sure he knows you're simply there and always be ready to play play play.
xxx
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"The problem is he's more interested than people than me too, he hasn't been in any stage of wanting me
Are you together with his mum? Do you get on ok with her?
"
Good question and maybe mum isn't saying great thing's about you infront of him. |
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By *omaMan
over a year ago
Glasgow |
"For all you dad's out there, you ever feel like you have trouble bonding with your son?, I'm always last option with him it seems even when he's with people he hasn't seen in months, he can't wait to get away from me, whenever I'm holding him and he sees other people in the family straight away he's trying to get away from me, it's embarrassing and upsetting. he's only 3 but he never seems to want to play or be with me.
I work all week but spend the afternoons and weekends with him,
Any advice on how to bond with him more? I constantly try and interact with him to no avail and it's really getting me down recently.
"
Don't knock it mate, there will come a time when he's taking your car for a spin, nicking all your power tools and getting you to make a speech . . Enjoy what you have right now ! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My son was like that with my dad when he was little. As he grew up it changed and they became so close. I realise he's your son and not your grandson but they change so fast at that age, it won't be like this forever. It must be hard though and I do feel for you. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Excuse me for butting in .. I know you've addressed the dad's. But i know a little about this on a development level.
It's natural for babies and toddlers to 'prefer'/need the mother seemingly more than the father. Humans are hard wired this way, especially if breastfed and/or have a close maternal bond.
Developmentally, they are still strongly attached to seeing the world from the closeness of the maternal (or sometimes annoyingly, upsetting, grandma, grandad uncle etc).
When children are ready, they begin to develop a stronger awareness of self, their individuality. Separate from experiencal, survival existence and a little more aware of their place and impact and actions. Around 5/6 years they naturally pull away from mother and bonds with fathers can start to feel stronger.
Your constant love and presence is invaluable. Be patient. Lovely dad. It will all pay off.
Dont try too hard, just join him in HIS world. Let him come to you, make sure he knows you're simply there and always be ready to play play play.
xxx
"
Much much better version of what I was trying to say. This couldn't be more spot on. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Stick with it mate all kids do things differently and it won't be personal, if he won't interact with you when you sit down to play then maybe try sitting near him but not with him even when others are in the room don't be embarrassed, don't try getting his attention but start playing with some toys if he joins you to play don't push it just ask him questions about the toys what should you do next that sort of thing and if he walks off ignore it just carry on and keep doing it over and over eventually he should come round try it with books watching his favourite programs just go down to his level sit on the floors do the same on the park get on the climbing frame have races with him, try walking to the shop holding his hand talk to him about thing around you ask him questions and as long you keep doing it you'll get there and try not to let him see it bothering you when he gose to someone elce. Wish you luck with mate |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"The problem is he's more interested than people than me too, he hasn't been in any stage of wanting me
Are you together with his mum? Do you get on ok with her?
"
Yea and yea |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Mums and sons... If you're talking bonds that one is gorilla glue. But as he gets older he'll realise dad knows about the cool stuff like cars and sports and other guy stuff and then you're going to be a superman figure for a bit and you're going to love it so much. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My little girl always preferred me to her mum, always settled better on me, even as a baby. Gutted about that tbf and wish it had been the other way round..... 
If you care enought to write what you just have then your boy will know it and feel it eventually, you've got loads of time to bond still buddy  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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They definitely come over. I had the same sort if worries. But 5-12/13, It was me who was closer to him. 14/15 they sort of pull away and become more their own person.
Enjoy them till 12.5/13. Then they are no longer the kiddos. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Goes ups and down, me and my dad never really saw eye too eye and after my mother passing it was just me, my brother and my dad so you can imagine the raging testosterone battles. Buy a few ‘rough’ years we are best pals so, just trying to say keep up the awesome job ! Go dads ! : ) |
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As long as he knows you love him and are always there for him that's all that matters. Kids are fickle things OP. Give it time and he'll be all over you and you'll be craving personal space lol.
However I do get why it bothers you. I don't know how I'd have coped if my son didn't want to be around me.
Be patient and I'm sure everything will sort itself out
Mrs xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Goes ups and down, me and my dad never really saw eye too eye and after my mother passing it was just me, my brother and my dad so you can imagine the raging testosterone battles. Buy a few ‘rough’ years we are best pals so, just trying to say keep up the awesome job ! Go dads ! : ) "
I’m sorry to hear you lost your mum when you are younger. I did too My Dad raised me and my sisters by himself - he’s my true hero. Dads are awesome  |
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Stick to it mate. Do stuff with/ for him that you like doing, and don't worry about him for now. For me it was Lego. It may take years but one day it will click. My boy is 28 and abroad. We don't talk much. But we get back together and BANG it's like we see each other every week. Good luck |
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By *uxom redCouple
over a year ago
Shrewsbury |
"For all you dad's out there, you ever feel like you have trouble bonding with your son?, I'm always last option with him it seems even when he's with people he hasn't seen in months, he can't wait to get away from me, whenever I'm holding him and he sees other people in the family straight away he's trying to get away from me, it's embarrassing and upsetting. he's only 3 but he never seems to want to play or be with me.
I work all week but spend the afternoons and weekends with him,
Any advice on how to bond with him more? I constantly try and interact with him to no avail and it's really getting me down recently.
"
If he's 3 he won't know his actions upset you he's doing what he likes, just spend time with him and stop making it about you!
Just be there when you can and be positive. |
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By *abonWoman
over a year ago
L’boro/Ashby & Cheltenham |
Silly question but do you smoke? My son would flip and panic near his grandad until he stopped smoking...then it all changed overnight! Also, I agree that kids often prefer the maternal side of things until they’re around 7. Is there anything special you can do with him, just you two? I’m thinking of just drawing side by side, or playing a game on the floor, or lawnmowing...my son had a toy mower and would follow my ex around the garden every time. Just no pressure companionship. Is your parenting style very different from other family members? If they’re rigid and you’re touchy feely, or they’re laid back and you’re an action kind of guy, he might just find it out of his comfort zone. Also, is there any tension between you and family members? He could easily be picking up on that when you’re around. Just done thoughts. But also agree with others that bonding does ebb and flow...just take your lead from him. Good luck... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Three year olds are curious by nature and want to be involved in everything and everyone.
If you're alone, I'm guessing he'll happily cuddle you.
Oh, and tell him that you love him, men should never be afraid to express their feelings. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You give him a 'secure base' having a secured attachment with you gives him the confidence to explore within those parameters.
Of course he is at an age where developing relationships are crucial.
Just keep doing what you are doing. Sounds like you are doing great
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I idolised my dad as a kid, and often saw my mother as the strict disciplinarian even though my dad had a really nasty temper. When I was 8 he left us and I learned how much my she actually did for us. It was a hard time but we had a house filled with love because of how hard she tried to keep normality even though she was broken inside. I hated my dad for 20 years and though I don't have an amazing relationship with him now, I'd be gutted if anything happened to him. Mother has been dead for well over a decade and I think that's a scar that never healed for any of us... including my dad, who appears to me outwardly as a pretty lonely old man with regrets.
This is my long-winded way of saying your son will know in time what you do for him and he will love and appreciate you for it. He's not much older than a baby, so he doesn't understand yet. You sound like a brilliant dad, and we know this because you've given enough of a shit to ask people for help and advice on this. Sounds to me like you're already doing a top job. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"For all you dad's out there, you ever feel like you have trouble bonding with your son?, I'm always last option with him it seems even when he's with people he hasn't seen in months, he can't wait to get away from me, whenever I'm holding him and he sees other people in the family straight away he's trying to get away from me, it's embarrassing and upsetting. he's only 3 but he never seems to want to play or be with me.
I work all week but spend the afternoons and weekends with him,
Any advice on how to bond with him more? I constantly try and interact with him to no avail and it's really getting me down recently.
If he's 3 he won't know his actions upset you he's doing what he likes, just spend time with him and stop making it about you!
Just be there when you can and be positive. "
Obviously I know that. I don't stop him doing what he wants or try get involved when hes doing his own thing. I just hate it when he sees other people and can't wait to get away from me nothing to do with it being about me- hope that cleared it up for you |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Silly question but do you smoke? My son would flip and panic near his grandad until he stopped smoking...then it all changed overnight! Also, I agree that kids often prefer the maternal side of things until they’re around 7. Is there anything special you can do with him, just you two? I’m thinking of just drawing side by side, or playing a game on the floor, or lawnmowing...my son had a toy mower and would follow my ex around the garden every time. Just no pressure companionship. Is your parenting style very different from other family members? If they’re rigid and you’re touchy feely, or they’re laid back and you’re an action kind of guy, he might just find it out of his comfort zone. Also, is there any tension between you and family members? He could easily be picking up on that when you’re around. Just done thoughts. But also agree with others that bonding does ebb and flow...just take your lead from him. Good luck..."
No I don't smoke but there is definitely tension between me and her family. I find her family are more hands on than me tbh over the top attention wise so maybe that's it maybe he likes that lol. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Three year olds are curious by nature and want to be involved in everything and everyone.
If you're alone, I'm guessing he'll happily cuddle you.
Oh, and tell him that you love him, men should never be afraid to express their feelings. "
Of course I tell him constantly |
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Let him be. Celebrate the fact that he's mixing and happy. Parents are a constant in a kids life (hopefully) and will always appear to be bottom of their list of priorities. When the chips are down he'll turn to you, you know then that you've done a good job. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"For all you dad's out there, you ever feel like you have trouble bonding with your son?, I'm always last option with him it seems even when he's with people he hasn't seen in months, he can't wait to get away from me, whenever I'm holding him and he sees other people in the family straight away he's trying to get away from me, it's embarrassing and upsetting. he's only 3 but he never seems to want to play or be with me.
I work all week but spend the afternoons and weekends with him,
Any advice on how to bond with him more? I constantly try and interact with him to no avail and it's really getting me down recently.
"
It's so hard and I know how you feel, you're not doing anything wrong it's a phase and I'm sure he will appreciate you as he gets older. If you never spent time with him or took him places then he would miss that so think of that.  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Let him be. Celebrate the fact that he's mixing and happy. Parents are a constant in a kids life (hopefully) and will always appear to be bottom of their list of priorities. When the chips are down he'll turn to you, you know then that you've done a good job."
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"For all you dad's out there, you ever feel like you have trouble bonding with your son?, I'm always last option with him it seems even when he's with people he hasn't seen in months, he can't wait to get away from me, whenever I'm holding him and he sees other people in the family straight away he's trying to get away from me, it's embarrassing and upsetting. he's only 3 but he never seems to want to play or be with me.
I work all week but spend the afternoons and weekends with him,
Any advice on how to bond with him more? I constantly try and interact with him to no avail and it's really getting me down recently.
It's so hard and I know how you feel, you're not doing anything wrong it's a phase and I'm sure he will appreciate you as he gets older. If you never spent time with him or took him places then he would miss that so think of that. "
Yeah that is true mate |
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By *VineMan
over a year ago
The right place |
It’s tricky I’m sure you’re probably already doing the basics such as letting him know you love him and that you enjoy spending time with him. Praise him, and don’t belittle him. Ask him if there is anything he’d like to do with you. Part of it’s a waiting game. |
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it's lovely to see a parent wanting to make such a bond with their child.
It's like when a woman gives birth there's a _omantic notion that mother and baby will immediately bond and sometimes that just isn't the case.
your child is only 3 it's not personal though I know it might feel like it.
The terrible 2's and 3's are called that for a reason, this age can be hard work. You sound switched on so it should undoubtedly get better. And your bond will grow. Being loving caring and firm when necessary brings it's own rewards in time..good luck OP parenting is a tough gig x
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By *ohohoWoman
over a year ago
Up North |
OP he is only 3. Children are fickle creatures. All you can do is be yourself and keep loving him. One of my brothers is so jealous all his kids cuddle me and not him. But they see him as a climbing frame, and just want to play when he is around. They do prefer him to his wife though as he is the one who takes them to the park, reads them bedtime stories etc. He simply does what they like. But is still the parent not their friend. Whereas the wife tries to be their friend first.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"As valuable as it is this thread really is in the wrong place. Just an observation ??"
It's not been banned from what I can see....?
I thought it was a beautiful, thoughtful discussion.... |
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By *osie xWoman
over a year ago
wolverhampton |
It’s normal.
You see him every day so you are his stable but he’s at that little explorer stage where he’s learning the world through new eyes. You may think he’s not interacting with you but I bet he watches you like a hawk to study you and learn from you.
Stop panicking, you are doing great.
My daughter goes to uni in a few years and it seems like five minutes ago she was his age.
Enjoy the journey, stop focussing on the destination |
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