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Best mate making big mistake
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Got a real dilemma. Im one of the best men at the wedding of a good friend of ours at the end of the year. Stag do is in 3 weeks. She is Greek, nice, but volatile, all over the place, over reacts to anything particularly Scottish banter humour, perpetual over qualified student, cant get a job, has no money. He is a complete passenger, has little assertiveness, isnt the brightest, hangs on every word of his peers, has been cajoled along with her and has quit his perfectly good job to go back to studying, he moved her into his flat within 3 weeks 2 years ago and its his first real relationship tbh at 40. He isnt short of a bob or too. Its a train wreck. This couple have fallen out pretty much every night out after as much of a sniff of alcohol. All of our friends have been trying to get him to see sense delicately but he's pretty committed to the process. Me and the other best man are sick of her ranty fallouts, he has been showing her our text conversations or at least discussing with her what I thought I was texting in private.. Us best men are about to sit him down and have another heart to heart.. on the face of it they are nice people, of course, and in love (id hope!) and have many lovely character traits, but he proposed very early, and to ALL of us friends its a mistake.
Just wondering what the concensus would be about the way forward and how to remain friends what should be said etc.
Over to you fabbers. |
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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago
South Wales |
Unless he sees her true colours there is nothing you can do except be there to pick up the pieces.
However, some relationships are built on drama, and whilst it may look a car crash to outsiders, they may actually be blissfully happy in their passionate relationship.
But harping on him about what a potential nightmare she is, whilst he loves her, will do nothing but push you away as friends.
In my opinion. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Love is blind, he is going to have to see her for what she is by himself, it's the only way it will change anything.
Been there, married it and got spat out at the end once I realized, so I know how this works.
Be there for him and try to show him but ultimately he needs to see it before he gets it.
Once it happens be there and pick him back up again. That's all you can do really. |
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Sometimes people have to make their own mistakes.
Have your chat if you want but maybe he sees a side of her you don't.
As good friends all you can do is support him, however it turns out.
Trying to drive a wedge between them is only going to cause bad feeling and make you look like the bad guys.
Sometimes nature just has to take its course.
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It's great that you care about your friend. But it sounds like you have already made your feelings clear and he has not taken them on board.
something is working for him and both of them.
Sometimes the best support you can give is just being there for them.
Now by the sounds of it he has her and you baffling his head |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Yep you all are saying what most folk say.. Rock and a hard place. I have been supportive and always will be.. But it's hard seeing him making what everybody says is a mistake. I feel after last nights completely unfounded nasty comments from them both that more needs to be said from myself and my pal, other best man, who is paying a bomb to bring family over for the wedding and its hanging by a thread. And I know it sounds like we are interfering, we honestly aren't. He has drifted away and we are far less involved for the exact reason that we don't want to be the fall guys. Tricky. Make your bed you gotta lie in it I suppose. |
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A friend married a chap my friends and I don’t like.
He is arrogant, whenever we arrange a girlie night he gets my friend wasted before she leaves the house so she isn’t out long, if he comes out in mixed nights out it’s the “Thomas*” show
Oh he also tried to set me up with his mate, whom he had told I am single therefore up for it... I was staying at hers after a night out with them. Needless to say I didn’t get much sleep as his mate was constantly trying to climb into my bed... I upped and moved down onto the sofa in the end!
I had my say to her a few months into the relationship, told her how it is, I don’t like trust him etc, she can do so much better...
Needless to say they got married, have been married a year now... at the hen night their was “friends” I’d lost touch with all asking if I like the “man” expression there concerns etc, I just told them all I had my say ages ago and I will be there for her.
Since the ring got put on her finger, I’ve not seen her. I’ve also discovered via a screenshot photo, she is stored in his phone as “my bitch”
If it was all to go tits up, I will be there for her
You can lead the horse to the water, but you cannot make it drink
Have your say then make your peace with their decision, but knowing you had your say
*name has been changed |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Try and fuck her. Then if you manage it, tell him. Conversely, take him out on his stag do and get him laid. Then tell her.  "
Haha.. Em getn him laid had crossed my mind lol.. But it's a cluster enough! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"That’s pretty judgmental for a one paragraph essay.
The best advice you can give him should be to stop Hanging on “every word of his peers” (ie his best men/you), and do what he wants."
You are correct. It is judgemental. Everybody judges one way or another. Others certainly have way more than me.
Your advice is agreement with mine tbh, I do wish he'd try grow a pair and not hang on the words of those around him.  .. He's a bit directionless hence I feel a bit of intervention might help him straighten his thoughts out.
Perhaps.
;-) |
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Just sit back enjoy the stag, then when the priest drops the line, any man woman here sit fit why these 2 should not marry,
Grab your ball sack ,squeeze ,stand up and repeat what you wrote above,,,
Job done,,
Here all week
Glad to help  |
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It's doesn't sound like a good situation to me. Sound abusive & being a man it's harder to admit through fear of being weak.
Thing is even though he's your mate, you still only know what goes on behind closed doors by what your told.
The only thing you can really do is to support his decision good or bad & try prevent him from cutting folk out because they don't agree with his choice, he'll need the support of it goes tits up.
Hopefully he's had sense to get a pre-nup, unlikely by the sound of it.
He could be putting up with it because he doesn't want to be lonely.
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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago
Travelling |
Nothing you can do. These situations are difficult but it is best that you just let it all play out, it is his choice. Trying to make him see what you see when he doesn't want to can lead to a fall out on your end.
Just make sure you are there for him when he needs it. |
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Only thing I can suggest over and above what's gone before is to say for you and your other mate (the one with the family coming over) could stand down as best men.
Cote your reasons for doing so, and say you won't stand by and watch him do this.
He'll almost certainly marry her regardless, and she'll tell him you obviously weren't his real friends anyway, but you won't ha e bedn complicit in the final act itself, as it were |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Yep, thanks all.
Im swithering whether to utter the words "its not too late you know"..
But tbh I can't. we have to not burn bridges.
On the stag do. Im just getn pished.
Hes got a blackening to come too and nobody in their right mind goes through that unless they are totally committed!!!!!! |
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By *mmmMaybeCouple
over a year ago
West Wales |
I was at a wedding many years ago & thought he's a really good looking chap & she's ok, but it's her punching so she must be really nice.
At the reception I discovered she wasn't particularly..But let it slide as you do, it's their day after all.
Later H came to me & I commented about it & her words were "Well you know they fuck every single day don't you?"
"Really? What about blob week?".
"He just does her up the bum every day"
"How the fuck do you know that?"
"She told me, she told all the girls".
"Ahh ok, might explain a bit".
Not everyone marries for love,
Not everyone marries for sex,
Not everyone marries for money,
Some marry just to belong....and if they are happy, who are you & I to contradict them?
S |
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"Yep, thanks all.
Im swithering whether to utter the words "its not too late you know"..
But tbh I can't. we have to not burn bridges.
On the stag do. Im just getn pished.
Hes got a blackening to come too and nobody in their right mind goes through that unless they are totally committed!!!!!! "
What on earth is a blackening?  |
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"Yep, thanks all.
Im swithering whether to utter the words "its not too late you know"..
But tbh I can't. we have to not burn bridges.
On the stag do. Im just getn pished.
Hes got a blackening to come too and nobody in their right mind goes through that unless they are totally committed!!!!!!
What on earth is a blackening? "
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blackening_(Scottish_wedding_custom)
Bloody messy is what!
Mrs TMN x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Traditional rural thing carried out to grooms and brides to be in some cases.. degradation and public humiliation of all sorts. I won't describe any detail as I will no doubt upset folks but they survive it and it's expected. So hes in hiding during December id expect until the wedding. But we will get him im sure. |
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"Traditional rural thing carried out to grooms and brides to be in some cases.. degradation and public humiliation of all sorts. I won't describe any detail as I will no doubt upset folks but they survive it and it's expected. So hes in hiding during December id expect until the wedding. But we will get him im sure. "
I have to say that I wouldn't want to do anything degrading and humiliating to my best friend. Tradition or not, I would want to protect him.
As for the main part of your thread. In your position, I would accept that his mind is made up and that he will see many more side of her than you and his other friends will ever see. Now is the time to get behind your friend and support him because right or wrong it's his choice to make and any TRUE friend will support a friend regardless of whether they agree with their choices.
Cal |
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By *ara JTV/TS
over a year ago
Bristol East |
"
What on earth is a blackening? "
An extremely messy pre-wedding ritual, usually involving eggs, syrup, flour and any other kind of shit, often on the back of a pick-up truck, with copious quantities of alcohol.
 |
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"Let your heart over-rule your head and just be happy for them.
You've done what you feel was right, so time to leave it there and let nature take its course.
"
He has let his heart rule his head.
If he'd used brains he'd let his mate live his life.
Mind you ..... he didn't have much that is very good to say about this 'complete passenger. ' .... P'raps they like telling him what to do and don't want wifey taking that from them.
Waters are always muddier than people let on. |
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
To be honest, from what you've written about your friend (albeit briefly) I think his reason for wanting to get married is fairly clear.
He's 40, not had a real girlfriend until he met her and a bit directionless. Most people are conditioned and programmed to meet someone, to get married, have kids, etc. It's scary to imagine living your whole life without that. This woman has come along and given him direction, given him the promise of that.
Fear of being alone is a powerful motivator and the words of his mates who he sees infrequently won't change that.
You see a train wreck, he sees the only happiness he's known, rightly or wrongly.
A good friend will do two things; tell them if they think their being stupid, plainly and with respect and (manly) love. Then if they don't listen; support them with the same respect.
It's easy to make judgements on the outside, you're not living it though. Be his friend, he may need you later. |
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Remember you can’t see the label from inside the bottle. Your his friend, all you can do is support him even though you have your reservations, IF it all goes tits up be there as his friend to catch him. True friendship is unconditional, I speak from experience from inside the bottle.
X |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If you and the other best men are so opposed to them getting married, why did you agree to be best men?
I mean, I get what you're saying about trying to get him to see sense, but you've all agreed to be a part of it |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Steady on with the edgy comments. We have all been close friends for years and certainly do give each other plenty space and rip the arse out each other and are frank and honest too. Some of our other friends have been brutally frank with him about the way they see it, which has had nothing to do with me. Anyway like I said in my previous both us best men will be there for him as we have been and as he has been for us in the past. Thanks for your input. |
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By *eeleyWoman
over a year ago
Dudley |
"Got a real dilemma. Im one of the best men at the wedding of a good friend of ours at the end of the year. Stag do is in 3 weeks. She is Greek, nice, but volatile, all over the place, over reacts to anything particularly Scottish banter humour, perpetual over qualified student, cant get a job, has no money. He is a complete passenger, has little assertiveness, isnt the brightest, hangs on every word of his peers, has been cajoled along with her and has quit his perfectly good job to go back to studying, he moved her into his flat within 3 weeks 2 years ago and its his first real relationship tbh at 40. He isnt short of a bob or too. Its a train wreck. This couple have fallen out pretty much every night out after as much of a sniff of alcohol. All of our friends have been trying to get him to see sense delicately but he's pretty committed to the process. Me and the other best man are sick of her ranty fallouts, he has been showing her our text conversations or at least discussing with her what I thought I was texting in private.. Us best men are about to sit him down and have another heart to heart.. on the face of it they are nice people, of course, and in love (id hope!) and have many lovely character traits, but he proposed very early, and to ALL of us friends its a mistake.
Just wondering what the concensus would be about the way forward and how to remain friends what should be said etc.
Over to you fabbers."
I think there's two sides to every story and I can almost guarantee your friend isn't totally innocent in this. You've said your piece, it's on him now. |
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By *idsAndyMan
over a year ago
Worcestershire |
It's an impossible situation for you....
Would the other best men sit down and just ask him if he's sure he's doing the right thing? If he is then fair one, if he's got doubts then he might welcome the opportunity to discuss them.
Either way I would suggest all the best men agree to act together and choose to either say something or nothing. |
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