FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Can you escape an abusive relationship?
Can you escape an abusive relationship?
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"Not sure if you are following the latest story line in eastender about chantells relationship? She is trying to escape from it, but her hubby keeps blaming her that she is the reason why he hits her, so she feels trapped by the situation. I like it how eastenders take up such things that happens in real life too." Yes you can leave an abusive relationship but it's not as easy as people imagine it to be. It took me 16yrs  16yrs of hell.
I am now married to Mr KC who is an amazing man & human being
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"Hopefully it's giving people in similar relationships some strength. Whether they stay or leave. "Yes I hope so as well it does that too  | |||
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"Not sure if you are following the latest story line in eastender about chantells relationship? She is trying to escape from it, but her hubby keeps blaming her that she is the reason why he hits her, so she feels trapped by the situation. I like it how eastenders take up such things that happens in real life too. Yes you can leave an abusive relationship but it's not as easy as people imagine it to be. It took me 16yrs 16yrs of hell.
I am now married to Mr KC who is an amazing man & human being
"That is good | |||
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"To answer the question based on how it is presented in the title. It's simple, yes you can. There is no other answer. The details of it though are far from straight forward or simple. As others have stated getting to the point of escaping is the hard part. And it can require tremendous amounts of courage and strength. Then lots of support to escape the scars it leaves on your life, even that can be overcome with the right help and the same strength and courage. I think a good number of people underestimate how difficult it can be. " Definitely this | |||
"Actually.. apparently when woman decides to leave.. then she is in the most danger. He is losing control so he might lose temper . Saying all that, abusers are not just males. " It can be less scary to stay. The most dangerous time is leaving because the abuser loses the control over the person.
When the person has been emotionally and mentally abused they feel worthless. 'Why leave when no-one else will ever love them.' | |||
"Actually.. apparently when woman decides to leave.. then she is in the most danger. He is losing control so he might lose temper . Saying all that, abusers are not just males. It can be less scary to stay. The most dangerous time is leaving because the abuser loses the control over the person.
When the person has been emotionally and mentally abused they feel worthless. 'Why leave when no-one else will ever love them.' "This. The support has to be multidisciplinary - counselling, women centre, local domestic violence charities, any other relevant. Some don't realise they are being abused until they are told by a third person. Some dont share what is happening in the fear of being forced to leave and face unknown. The unknown the abuser kept making them anxious about - you won't manage without me. And if you one keeps being fed that poison on daily basis, it becomes their inner mantra. There are so many painful stories out there. | |||
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"Actually.. apparently when woman decides to leave.. then she is in the most danger. He is losing control so he might lose temper . Saying all that, abusers are not just males. " This is often why it takes so long to leave, they stay through fear. | |||
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"Was in a both emotionally and physically abusive relationship for 20 years. It took every once of my strength to leave and some help from some incredible people. And yes as noted on here that period where you're gearing up to leave was the most dangerous. But it was worth it in the end. " Help and support from others is pretty essential in this, I feel. You sort of need that faith that not all human beings are bullying fucks. | |||
"Was in a both emotionally and physically abusive relationship for 20 years. It took every once of my strength to leave and some help from some incredible people. And yes as noted on here that period where you're gearing up to leave was the most dangerous. But it was worth it in the end. Help and support from others is pretty essential in this, I feel. You sort of need that faith that not all human beings are bullying fucks. " Yes exactly it's that knowledge that it isn't normal and acceptable to be treated so badly | |||
Titch xx | |||
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"You can physically escape it- I did However the lasting mental damage stays with you. " This is basically what I was going to post! No one can see the scars from emotional or mental abuse, nor how it affects you day to day and your future relationships. Being made to feel worthless by your partner over several years isn't something that you just walk away from. | |||
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"You can physically escape it- I did However the lasting mental damage stays with you. This is basically what I was going to post! No one can see the scars from emotional or mental abuse, nor how it affects you day to day and your future relationships. Being made to feel worthless by your partner over several years isn't something that you just walk away from. " THIS | |||
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"Not sure if you are following the latest story line in eastender about chantells relationship? She is trying to escape from it, but her hubby keeps blaming her that she is the reason why he hits her, so she feels trapped by the situation. I like it how eastenders take up such things that happens in real life too." Well ahead of the times are East Enders Lol. They even broadcast the first gay kiss I think... As for escaping an abusive relationship, yep. Just smash the fucker in the face with something really heavy if they even breathe on you when angry. If that’s not an option, call the coppers/friends/family. And leave. Immediately. | |||
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"Actually.. apparently when woman decides to leave.. then she is in the most danger. He is losing control so he might lose temper . Saying all that, abusers are not just males. " This. It's not as simple as just leaving. | |||
"Actually.. apparently when woman decides to leave.. then she is in the most danger. He is losing control so he might lose temper . Saying all that, abusers are not just males. This. It's not as simple as just leaving. " I’m sure it’s not; but equally, the amount of courage to stay can’t possibly be any less than that required to go. | |||
"Actually.. apparently when woman decides to leave.. then she is in the most danger. He is losing control so he might lose temper . Saying all that, abusers are not just males. This. It's not as simple as just leaving. I’m sure it’s not; but equally, the amount of courage to stay can’t possibly be any less than that required to go. " I don't think it is about courage to stay. In my view, its about feeling like you have nowhere to go or fear of leaving and the consequences. | |||
"Actually.. apparently when woman decides to leave.. then she is in the most danger. He is losing control so he might lose temper . Saying all that, abusers are not just males. This. It's not as simple as just leaving. I’m sure it’s not; but equally, the amount of courage to stay can’t possibly be any less than that required to go. I don't think it is about courage to stay. In my view, its about feeling like you have nowhere to go or fear of leaving and the consequences. " Personally think that to make a choice to live in permanent fear, as well as being horrifically sad, would require an enormous amount of courage. | |||
"Actually.. apparently when woman decides to leave.. then she is in the most danger. He is losing control so he might lose temper . Saying all that, abusers are not just males. This. It's not as simple as just leaving. I’m sure it’s not; but equally, the amount of courage to stay can’t possibly be any less than that required to go. " Statistically speaking, the time when a person leaves their abuser is when they're at most risk of dying. Abusers ramp up when their power is threatened. You can get used to the abuse. The unknown of having to escape - and how long until that escape is final, if ever? - is a lot more terrifying. | |||
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"Actually.. apparently when woman decides to leave.. then she is in the most danger. He is losing control so he might lose temper . Saying all that, abusers are not just males. This. It's not as simple as just leaving. I’m sure it’s not; but equally, the amount of courage to stay can’t possibly be any less than that required to go. I don't think it is about courage to stay. In my view, its about feeling like you have nowhere to go or fear of leaving and the consequences. " Exactly this. Having courage to stay would mean that you know that you're being controlled and manipulated. The belief that you're worthless, that no one else would have you, being cut off from friends and family... Its fear that keeps people in the cycle. | |||
"Not sure if you are following the latest story line in eastender about chantells relationship? She is trying to escape from it, but her hubby keeps blaming her that she is the reason why he hits her, so she feels trapped by the situation. I like it how eastenders take up such things that happens in real life too." Yes but they have to be ready. Our daughter was in an abusive relationship which was awful to watch as we could do nothing and she was so young yet classed as an adult. We tried everything from reasoning, to pleading, even cutting contact completely nothing worked. We fully expected to get a phone call from the police telling us the worse. After a year of no contact we did get a call from the police but it was to say that she wanted to escape and needed somewhere to go. That was three years ago and she has completely turned her life around. | |||
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"https://www.theguardian.com/stage/2019/oct/08/victorian-melodrama-gaslight-love-island-psychological-abuse-patrick-hamilton-play-buzzword Go and watch this! " Why such short showings?!...I’d love to see this but won’t get to London in the next 10 days. | |||
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"You can physically escape it- I did However the lasting mental damage stays with you. This is basically what I was going to post! No one can see the scars from emotional or mental abuse, nor how it affects you day to day and your future relationships. Being made to feel worthless by your partner over several years isn't something that you just walk away from. " I don’t think you ever fully recover from that. X | |||
"Yes you can leave but it takes a lot of will power to and a lot of guts to. Normally by the time you realise it is abusive you have been in it so long it has become normal and you're confidence has been knocked so much you feel like you are worthless and it's almost easier to stay in a relationship like that than make the more to get out. Usually something will happen that just becomes the final straw and it's then you have to decide to make the more and get out or continue on knowing things will only keep getting worse. But yes you can get out and one day you look back and wonder how you allowed someone to do that stuff to you and are so happy you did go even if it was hard to get away. " This is so true. I didn't realise it was abuse until about a month after we split up. I left because I found out he had cheated on me for three months and that was something he had a harder time turning around to be my fault. Boy did he try though and he still insists that it was because I didn't give him enough sex or attention despite the fact he constantly rejected me sexually and used sex as a weapon to humiliate and hurt me. It was a little unnerving though when I was interviewed by police three years later after I reported the continued harrassment. It appears it often follows very similar patterns as I felt like they already knew what happened with every question they asked. The initial honeymoon phase followed by a gradual decline, the mind games, the suicide threats, the shaming of my body, what I ate, what I wore and my personal hygiene, the way you eventually learn never to challenge anything they do as the extreme escalation of any conflict isn't worth it, the constant character assassination, them gradually deciding they dislike every member of your family and friends, the cover stories they have about their "crazy exs", the constant state of anxiety you end up living in and the way you learn to spot the early warning signs and try to placate them. Yet I never realised it was abuse at the time. Kind of scary. | |||
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"Yes you can leave but it takes a lot of will power to and a lot of guts to. Normally by the time you realise it is abusive you have been in it so long it has become normal and you're confidence has been knocked so much you feel like you are worthless and it's almost easier to stay in a relationship like that than make the more to get out. Usually something will happen that just becomes the final straw and it's then you have to decide to make the more and get out or continue on knowing things will only keep getting worse. But yes you can get out and one day you look back and wonder how you allowed someone to do that stuff to you and are so happy you did go even if it was hard to get away. " This is so familiar it's scary. Just remember kids, they rarely hit you with all the crazy at once. By the time it's full blown you are fully invested in the relationship, so it's harder to make that break. They have broken you down, their "eccentricities' are normalised.. | |||
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"P herself is testament to the fact that yes, you can, and I am touched by the way she gives many others on here hope, not just on how to escape and that it is possible, but on what the aftermath or long term consequences on your own psyche can be and how to deal with them. Though to say that it isn't easy in such a toxic relationship can sadly be a massive understatement in a lot of circumstances. B" Having a good man like you by her side obviously helps. | |||
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"YES, you can escape the situation, but it's damn hard escaping your own mind. The abuse remains in one form or another for years (still hoping it's not forever). The longer or more severe the abuse, the harder it is to truly escape. Still hear my ex's voice in my head, 5 years on." Even after 21yrs of the end of my abusive marriage the damage still permeates into who I am every so often - years of abuse & pain still lingers, the self doubt & self loathing creeps in at times despite knowing I am not & never have been the person he made me feel I was I am lucky that Mr KC came into my life and showed me what a real man, a real partner was & should be. He has built me up, showered me with love, respect & dignity & honesty. He stills listens to my doubts no matter how many times I express them, holds me everytime I cry when the pain returns. Hold on to the life you have now, the life you want . . .don't settle for anything less | |||
"Actually.. apparently when woman decides to leave.. then she is in the most danger. He is losing control so he might lose temper . Saying all that, abusers are not just males. This. It's not as simple as just leaving. I’m sure it’s not; but equally, the amount of courage to stay can’t possibly be any less than that required to go. I don't think it is about courage to stay. In my view, its about feeling like you have nowhere to go or fear of leaving and the consequences. Exactly this. Having courage to stay would mean that you know that you're being controlled and manipulated. The belief that you're worthless, that no one else would have you, being cut off from friends and family... Its fear that keeps people in the cycle. " And confronting a fear on a daily basis doesn’t take courage? I’ve no doubt there’ll be a myriad of reasons for why people stay, but I’d bet my house on them all having one thing in common. Courage. A natural reaction to fear is running. To stay and confront it, isn’t necessarily weakness. Every situation will be unique. Abusers don’t have any power at all, the fact they’re like they are in the first place comes from a deep loathing of who they are or who’ve they become, and probably down to the fact they don’t have any real success in life anyway. A lot of victims might stay behind out of sympathy in some cases. Misguided loyalty, but loyalty none the less. It might not have anything at all to do with people being controlled or scared in some cases. | |||
"Actually.. apparently when woman decides to leave.. then she is in the most danger. He is losing control so he might lose temper . Saying all that, abusers are not just males. This. It's not as simple as just leaving. I’m sure it’s not; but equally, the amount of courage to stay can’t possibly be any less than that required to go. I don't think it is about courage to stay. In my view, its about feeling like you have nowhere to go or fear of leaving and the consequences. Exactly this. Having courage to stay would mean that you know that you're being controlled and manipulated. The belief that you're worthless, that no one else would have you, being cut off from friends and family... Its fear that keeps people in the cycle. And confronting a fear on a daily basis doesn’t take courage? I’ve no doubt there’ll be a myriad of reasons for why people stay, but I’d bet my house on them all having one thing in common. Courage. A natural reaction to fear is running. To stay and confront it, isn’t necessarily weakness. Every situation will be unique. Abusers don’t have any power at all, the fact they’re like they are in the first place comes from a deep loathing of who they are or who’ve they become, and probably down to the fact they don’t have any real success in life anyway. A lot of victims might stay behind out of sympathy in some cases. Misguided loyalty, but loyalty none the less. It might not have anything at all to do with people being controlled or scared in some cases. " I stayed because I cut him far too much slack because he had been through things in childhood I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. That is probably why he ended up as he has. He was also capable of being very loving. It's just unfortunate that his issues led him to give and withold that side of himself to control others. I've since realised that while I can understand why he is as he is, I didn't deserve to be his emotional punchbag. He needs professional help and I can't provide that. | |||
"Actually.. apparently when woman decides to leave.. then she is in the most danger. He is losing control so he might lose temper . Saying all that, abusers are not just males. This. It's not as simple as just leaving. I’m sure it’s not; but equally, the amount of courage to stay can’t possibly be any less than that required to go. I don't think it is about courage to stay. In my view, its about feeling like you have nowhere to go or fear of leaving and the consequences. Exactly this. Having courage to stay would mean that you know that you're being controlled and manipulated. The belief that you're worthless, that no one else would have you, being cut off from friends and family... Its fear that keeps people in the cycle. And confronting a fear on a daily basis doesn’t take courage? I’ve no doubt there’ll be a myriad of reasons for why people stay, but I’d bet my house on them all having one thing in common. Courage. A natural reaction to fear is running. To stay and confront it, isn’t necessarily weakness. Every situation will be unique. Abusers don’t have any power at all, the fact they’re like they are in the first place comes from a deep loathing of who they are or who’ve they become, and probably down to the fact they don’t have any real success in life anyway. A lot of victims might stay behind out of sympathy in some cases. Misguided loyalty, but loyalty none the less. It might not have anything at all to do with people being controlled or scared in some cases. " Thanks for explaining it further. I still am not sure. Maybe from an observer point of view or a hindsight.. (for some).. it seems like it was an act of bravery to face that every day. And yes it was in a way. But if alongside you were losing your sense of identity, endangering your safety or health, then was that really done out of courage? | |||
"Actually.. apparently when woman decides to leave.. then she is in the most danger. He is losing control so he might lose temper . Saying all that, abusers are not just males. This. It's not as simple as just leaving. I’m sure it’s not; but equally, the amount of courage to stay can’t possibly be any less than that required to go. I don't think it is about courage to stay. In my view, its about feeling like you have nowhere to go or fear of leaving and the consequences. Exactly this. Having courage to stay would mean that you know that you're being controlled and manipulated. The belief that you're worthless, that no one else would have you, being cut off from friends and family... Its fear that keeps people in the cycle. And confronting a fear on a daily basis doesn’t take courage? I’ve no doubt there’ll be a myriad of reasons for why people stay, but I’d bet my house on them all having one thing in common. Courage. A natural reaction to fear is running. To stay and confront it, isn’t necessarily weakness. Every situation will be unique. Abusers don’t have any power at all, the fact they’re like they are in the first place comes from a deep loathing of who they are or who’ve they become, and probably down to the fact they don’t have any real success in life anyway. A lot of victims might stay behind out of sympathy in some cases. Misguided loyalty, but loyalty none the less. It might not have anything at all to do with people being controlled or scared in some cases. Thanks for explaining it further. I still am not sure. Maybe from an observer point of view or a hindsight.. (for some).. it seems like it was an act of bravery to face that every day. And yes it was in a way. But if alongside you were losing your sense of identity, endangering your safety or health, then was that really done out of courage? " I highly doubt any of us were courageous for staying although obviously I can't speak for everyone. I certainly didn't stay because I was courageous. I stayed because I felt scared Worthless At fault A rubbish wife & mother I was nothing without him No one would ever want me No one would ever love me I didn't love myself That's not courageous - when you are left feeling like nothing - like shit on the floor, like this is all you deserve - that's not courageous When you have no fight left, your spirit is crushed, when you can't speak up - that's not courageous. The abusers did have the power - of course they did. It doesn't matter how they got this power or why they used it against us but yes they did have it and they used it by manipulating, scaring and beating us into nothing. We weren't brave for staying - we didn't know how to leave. | |||
"Actually.. apparently when woman decides to leave.. then she is in the most danger. He is losing control so he might lose temper . Saying all that, abusers are not just males. This. It's not as simple as just leaving. I’m sure it’s not; but equally, the amount of courage to stay can’t possibly be any less than that required to go. I don't think it is about courage to stay. In my view, its about feeling like you have nowhere to go or fear of leaving and the consequences. Exactly this. Having courage to stay would mean that you know that you're being controlled and manipulated. The belief that you're worthless, that no one else would have you, being cut off from friends and family... Its fear that keeps people in the cycle. And confronting a fear on a daily basis doesn’t take courage? I’ve no doubt there’ll be a myriad of reasons for why people stay, but I’d bet my house on them all having one thing in common. Courage. A natural reaction to fear is running. To stay and confront it, isn’t necessarily weakness. Every situation will be unique. Abusers don’t have any power at all, the fact they’re like they are in the first place comes from a deep loathing of who they are or who’ve they become, and probably down to the fact they don’t have any real success in life anyway. A lot of victims might stay behind out of sympathy in some cases. Misguided loyalty, but loyalty none the less. It might not have anything at all to do with people being controlled or scared in some cases. Thanks for explaining it further. I still am not sure. Maybe from an observer point of view or a hindsight.. (for some).. it seems like it was an act of bravery to face that every day. And yes it was in a way. But if alongside you were losing your sense of identity, endangering your safety or health, then was that really done out of courage? I highly doubt any of us were courageous for staying although obviously I can't speak for everyone. I certainly didn't stay because I was courageous. I stayed because I felt scared Worthless At fault A rubbish wife & mother I was nothing without him No one would ever want me No one would ever love me I didn't love myself That's not courageous - when you are left feeling like nothing - like shit on the floor, like this is all you deserve - that's not courageous When you have no fight left, your spirit is crushed, when you can't speak up - that's not courageous. The abusers did have the power - of course they did. It doesn't matter how they got this power or why they used it against us but yes they did have it and they used it by manipulating, scaring and beating us into nothing. We weren't brave for staying - we didn't know how to leave. " One of the reasons people stay is fear of the unknown. Especially with the emotional abuse, it takes away so much that you question your judgement. A lot of times they take control of other parts of your life, like finances, making it difficult to make a break. They tie you in emotionally, physically, financially.. any way they can maintain control. Those of you that know me, know that I am a resourceful, very physical, very capable guy. Every now and then I still get momentary flashes of panic if I cut vegetables the wrong way. I'm lucky that seems to be my one remaining scar.. apart from the one on my ribs where she punched me with a set of keys as I left. I am taking comfort in reading some of these posts about amazing strength in these situations. I never thought this shit would happen to me. It did. I was in a low place and made bad choices, she gave me easy options.. it wasnt until afterwards and the counsellor told me to my face that she had been emotionally abusing me, the fog lifted from my eyes. I was still making excuses for her. I hadn't done enough, worked hard enough, supported her enough... No. It was her.. | |||
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"Actually.. apparently when woman decides to leave.. then she is in the most danger. He is losing control so he might lose temper . Saying all that, abusers are not just males. This. It's not as simple as just leaving. I’m sure it’s not; but equally, the amount of courage to stay can’t possibly be any less than that required to go. I don't think it is about courage to stay. In my view, its about feeling like you have nowhere to go or fear of leaving and the consequences. Exactly this. Having courage to stay would mean that you know that you're being controlled and manipulated. The belief that you're worthless, that no one else would have you, being cut off from friends and family... Its fear that keeps people in the cycle. And confronting a fear on a daily basis doesn’t take courage? I’ve no doubt there’ll be a myriad of reasons for why people stay, but I’d bet my house on them all having one thing in common. Courage. A natural reaction to fear is running. To stay and confront it, isn’t necessarily weakness. Every situation will be unique. Abusers don’t have any power at all, the fact they’re like they are in the first place comes from a deep loathing of who they are or who’ve they become, and probably down to the fact they don’t have any real success in life anyway. A lot of victims might stay behind out of sympathy in some cases. Misguided loyalty, but loyalty none the less. It might not have anything at all to do with people being controlled or scared in some cases. Thanks for explaining it further. I still am not sure. Maybe from an observer point of view or a hindsight.. (for some).. it seems like it was an act of bravery to face that every day. And yes it was in a way. But if alongside you were losing your sense of identity, endangering your safety or health, then was that really done out of courage? I highly doubt any of us were courageous for staying although obviously I can't speak for everyone. I certainly didn't stay because I was courageous. I stayed because I felt scared Worthless At fault A rubbish wife & mother I was nothing without him No one would ever want me No one would ever love me I didn't love myself That's not courageous - when you are left feeling like nothing - like shit on the floor, like this is all you deserve - that's not courageous When you have no fight left, your spirit is crushed, when you can't speak up - that's not courageous. The abusers did have the power - of course they did. It doesn't matter how they got this power or why they used it against us but yes they did have it and they used it by manipulating, scaring and beating us into nothing. We weren't brave for staying - we didn't know how to leave. " Not for me to comment on your situation. And I am entitled to my opinion, and as you say, we can’t speak on everyone’s behalf. Courageous of you to share your story though and it’s great to know you got out. Let’s not debate semantics as to exactly what is was that lead to your being able to do that, because in the cold light of day, it doesn’t really matter. Words are just that, and interpreted differently by different people. It’s almost impossible to convey sentiment online. | |||
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"Abuse comes in different forms. It takes courage and strength to escape it. Once u do u never look back and see the abuse r die the pathetic excuse of a person they really are. Onwards and upwards. Lives can turn around and u do move on" Sure do Time doesn’t stand still, and it’s pretty intolerant to those that do, sooner or later they’ll get dragged along with it. Never look back, we’re not going that way. | |||
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"A humbling thread to read. I've been in a physically and mentally abusive relationship previously which I was lucky enough to get out of after only 5 years, however that was more than long enough for the mental scars to take a firm hold and even now I'm still realising that the cause of some behaviours and reactions link directly back to that time. The mistake I made was not trusting anyone around me enough to tell someone what was happening. My heart goes out to anyone who has been, or is, in a relationship like this - I hope you can gain strength from peoples' stories on this thread and know you're not alone, and there is a way out. xxx" Well said | |||
"I think it’s ace that Fab might be the only place in the world where folk can debate social and political issues in a very serious, and occasionally, sincerely caring manner...all whilst having a profile pic at the side of our arguments, that are invariably nobs and tits hanging out, or an arse cocked in the air. Astoundingly unique imho. Surely nowhere else has this level of kudos? " I know right.  | |||
"P herself is testament to the fact that yes, you can, and I am touched by the way she gives many others on here hope, not just on how to escape and that it is possible, but on what the aftermath or long term consequences on your own psyche can be and how to deal with them. Though to say that it isn't easy in such a toxic relationship can sadly be a massive understatement in a lot of circumstances. B" Thank you angel
Thank you everyone that had commented and shared, there will be someone reading that this resonates with, and may highlight to them that they're in an abusive relationship, it may prick up their ears or open their eyes, and whilst a painful and utterly frightening realisation it's one that may need.
If that person is you... you can do this. You can break free. You aren't the worthless existence you feel you are, I promise you. You aren't going mad even though it seems like you are because nothing adds up or makes sense, because the thing you did wrong was the thing they told you to do. How does that work? I done what you said and now I'm wrong?
Better the devil you know is strangely "comfortable" even though it's an uncomfortable eggshell walking hell on earth, but it's what you know, it's become your "normal". That pit of dread and doom in your chest and stomach that you wish you could be without for just one fucking day, that's the sound of their car pulling up, or the text to question where you are, what you're doing, or the noticing the time and that they'll be home soon, or them calling your name from another room and you thinking "oh fuck, what have I done wrong this time?"
That's not ok.
You may not feel strong enough now, and I understand that, all of us who've been there understand that. One day it will happen. One day something will click inside you and you'll know it's time. Time to take back control, time to stop existing in daily hell and start living. Yes, the unknown is soooooooo fucking scary and it may take an awful lot of rebuilding to get your life back.... but you ARE worth it.
Our inbox is always open for anyone needing to talk about this subject. Judgement free.
I can't promise the answers but I can promise honesty and understanding. If I can give you nothing else, I can offer hope. Not hope they'll change, not hope this will be the last verbal or physical assault, but hope that you can live again, love again and breathe again.
P | |||
"Not sure if you are following the latest story line in eastender about chantells relationship? She is trying to escape from it, but her hubby keeps blaming her that she is the reason why he hits her, so she feels trapped by the situation. I like it how eastenders take up such things that happens in real life too." I have recently just finished some Domestic Abuse training and no it did not mean I had to hit anyone far from it. I work in this field where children are caught up in the domestic abuse in families. Which the bbc has not touched on with chantelles kids! She has lost the baby due to Gray punching her in the stomach. She should have reported him to the police long time ago. No one has to suffer domestic abuse and that even goes for trying to be a Narcasistic person | |||
"P herself is testament to the fact that yes, you can, and I am touched by the way she gives many others on here hope, not just on how to escape and that it is possible, but on what the aftermath or long term consequences on your own psyche can be and how to deal with them. Though to say that it isn't easy in such a toxic relationship can sadly be a massive understatement in a lot of circumstances. B Thank you angel
Thank you everyone that had commented and shared, there will be someone reading that this resonates with, and may highlight to them that they're in an abusive relationship, it may prick up their ears or open their eyes, and whilst a painful and utterly frightening realisation it's one that may need.
If that person is you... you can do this. You can break free. You aren't the worthless existence you feel you are, I promise you. You aren't going mad even though it seems like you are because nothing adds up or makes sense, because the thing you did wrong was the thing they told you to do. How does that work? I done what you said and now I'm wrong?
Better the devil you know is strangely "comfortable" even though it's an uncomfortable eggshell walking hell on earth, but it's what you know, it's become your "normal". That pit of dread and doom in your chest and stomach that you wish you could be without for just one fucking day, that's the sound of their car pulling up, or the text to question where you are, what you're doing, or the noticing the time and that they'll be home soon, or them calling your name from another room and you thinking "oh fuck, what have I done wrong this time?"
That's not ok.
You may not feel strong enough now, and I understand that, all of us who've been there understand that. One day it will happen. One day something will click inside you and you'll know it's time. Time to take back control, time to stop existing in daily hell and start living. Yes, the unknown is soooooooo fucking scary and it may take an awful lot of rebuilding to get your life back.... but you ARE worth it.
Our inbox is always open for anyone needing to talk about this subject. Judgement free.
I can't promise the answers but I can promise honesty and understanding. If I can give you nothing else, I can offer hope. Not hope they'll change, not hope this will be the last verbal or physical assault, but hope that you can live again, love again and breathe again.
P"That made me cry . . . . . cry with sadness and frustration for those still there and relief & happiness for those of us who have broke free Such powerful words x | |||
"P herself is testament to the fact that yes, you can, and I am touched by the way she gives many others on here hope, not just on how to escape and that it is possible, but on what the aftermath or long term consequences on your own psyche can be and how to deal with them. Though to say that it isn't easy in such a toxic relationship can sadly be a massive understatement in a lot of circumstances. B Thank you angel
Thank you everyone that had commented and shared, there will be someone reading that this resonates with, and may highlight to them that they're in an abusive relationship, it may prick up their ears or open their eyes, and whilst a painful and utterly frightening realisation it's one that may need.
If that person is you... you can do this. You can break free. You aren't the worthless existence you feel you are, I promise you. You aren't going mad even though it seems like you are because nothing adds up or makes sense, because the thing you did wrong was the thing they told you to do. How does that work? I done what you said and now I'm wrong?
Better the devil you know is strangely "comfortable" even though it's an uncomfortable eggshell walking hell on earth, but it's what you know, it's become your "normal". That pit of dread and doom in your chest and stomach that you wish you could be without for just one fucking day, that's the sound of their car pulling up, or the text to question where you are, what you're doing, or the noticing the time and that they'll be home soon, or them calling your name from another room and you thinking "oh fuck, what have I done wrong this time?"
That's not ok.
You may not feel strong enough now, and I understand that, all of us who've been there understand that. One day it will happen. One day something will click inside you and you'll know it's time. Time to take back control, time to stop existing in daily hell and start living. Yes, the unknown is soooooooo fucking scary and it may take an awful lot of rebuilding to get your life back.... but you ARE worth it.
Our inbox is always open for anyone needing to talk about this subject. Judgement free.
I can't promise the answers but I can promise honesty and understanding. If I can give you nothing else, I can offer hope. Not hope they'll change, not hope this will be the last verbal or physical assault, but hope that you can live again, love again and breathe again.
P
That made me cry . . . . . cry with sadness and frustration for those still there and relief & happiness for those of us who have broke free
Such powerful words x
"It's frustrating place to be when you can see it from the outside, you can almost feel what they're feeling coz you KNOW. For me the strength came when I was tired believe it or not. I was tired of trying. Tired of being wrong even though I knew I was right, tired of voice recording things that were being said that I was told were never said, I'd "made up because I was a crazy bitch" Now, I'm a crazy bitch yes, but KNEW I wasn't that crazy. I KNEW the truth no matter how much he tried to convince me I was going out of my mind. I was tired of waking up each morning after a shit nights sleep wondering if today was gonna he the day he finally killed me. Truth is I had got to the point where I wished he WOULD just kill me, get it over and done with coz this eggshell bullshit had just ground me down to the point I no longer cared, just fucking do it. He didn't though, he just kept on with the mind assault. I begged him to stop countless times. I've never begged for anything in my fucking life except that, that wasn't me. I even told him I felt suicidal and you know what the cunt said? "I wouldn't bother trying coz you wouldn't even get that right, go on, prove me wrong, get something right in your pathetic existence" That was him trying to get me to kill myself. What a fucking legend. It was believing that's what he wanted that stopped me actually, that was when my inner self showed her strength. I was back, broken, battered but back, and no cunt was gonna step another foot on me. I cried for 2 days almost solid when I got him out, not because I was sad, fuck, I'd had all the grieving done years before that, I cried because I felt unshackled and my lungs could feel the sweet nontoxic air again. P | |||
"P herself is testament to the fact that yes, you can, and I am touched by the way she gives many others on here hope, not just on how to escape and that it is possible, but on what the aftermath or long term consequences on your own psyche can be and how to deal with them. Though to say that it isn't easy in such a toxic relationship can sadly be a massive understatement in a lot of circumstances. B Thank you angel
Thank you everyone that had commented and shared, there will be someone reading that this resonates with, and may highlight to them that they're in an abusive relationship, it may prick up their ears or open their eyes, and whilst a painful and utterly frightening realisation it's one that may need.
If that person is you... you can do this. You can break free. You aren't the worthless existence you feel you are, I promise you. You aren't going mad even though it seems like you are because nothing adds up or makes sense, because the thing you did wrong was the thing they told you to do. How does that work? I done what you said and now I'm wrong?
Better the devil you know is strangely "comfortable" even though it's an uncomfortable eggshell walking hell on earth, but it's what you know, it's become your "normal". That pit of dread and doom in your chest and stomach that you wish you could be without for just one fucking day, that's the sound of their car pulling up, or the text to question where you are, what you're doing, or the noticing the time and that they'll be home soon, or them calling your name from another room and you thinking "oh fuck, what have I done wrong this time?"
That's not ok.
You may not feel strong enough now, and I understand that, all of us who've been there understand that. One day it will happen. One day something will click inside you and you'll know it's time. Time to take back control, time to stop existing in daily hell and start living. Yes, the unknown is soooooooo fucking scary and it may take an awful lot of rebuilding to get your life back.... but you ARE worth it.
Our inbox is always open for anyone needing to talk about this subject. Judgement free.
I can't promise the answers but I can promise honesty and understanding. If I can give you nothing else, I can offer hope. Not hope they'll change, not hope this will be the last verbal or physical assault, but hope that you can live again, love again and breathe again.
P
That made me cry . . . . . cry with sadness and frustration for those still there and relief & happiness for those of us who have broke free
Such powerful words x
It's frustrating place to be when you can see it from the outside, you can almost feel what they're feeling coz you KNOW.
For me the strength came when I was tired believe it or not. I was tired of trying. Tired of being wrong even though I knew I was right, tired of voice recording things that were being said that I was told were never said, I'd "made up because I was a crazy bitch"
Now, I'm a crazy bitch yes, but KNEW I wasn't that crazy. I KNEW the truth no matter how much he tried to convince me I was going out of my mind. I was tired of waking up each morning after a shit nights sleep wondering if today was gonna he the day he finally killed me.
Truth is I had got to the point where I wished he WOULD just kill me, get it over and done with coz this eggshell bullshit had just ground me down to the point I no longer cared, just fucking do it.
He didn't though, he just kept on with the mind assault. I begged him to stop countless times. I've never begged for anything in my fucking life except that, that wasn't me. I even told him I felt suicidal and you know what the cunt said? "I wouldn't bother trying coz you wouldn't even get that right, go on, prove me wrong, get something right in your pathetic existence"
That was him trying to get me to kill myself. What a fucking legend. It was believing that's what he wanted that stopped me actually, that was when my inner self showed her strength. I was back, broken, battered but back, and no cunt was gonna step another foot on me.
I cried for 2 days almost solid when I got him out, not because I was sad, fuck, I'd had all the grieving done years before that, I cried because I felt unshackled and my lungs could feel the sweet nontoxic air again.
P " | |||
"P herself is testament to the fact that yes, you can, and I am touched by the way she gives many others on here hope, not just on how to escape and that it is possible, but on what the aftermath or long term consequences on your own psyche can be and how to deal with them. Though to say that it isn't easy in such a toxic relationship can sadly be a massive understatement in a lot of circumstances. B Thank you angel
Thank you everyone that had commented and shared, there will be someone reading that this resonates with, and may highlight to them that they're in an abusive relationship, it may prick up their ears or open their eyes, and whilst a painful and utterly frightening realisation it's one that may need.
If that person is you... you can do this. You can break free. You aren't the worthless existence you feel you are, I promise you. You aren't going mad even though it seems like you are because nothing adds up or makes sense, because the thing you did wrong was the thing they told you to do. How does that work? I done what you said and now I'm wrong?
Better the devil you know is strangely "comfortable" even though it's an uncomfortable eggshell walking hell on earth, but it's what you know, it's become your "normal". That pit of dread and doom in your chest and stomach that you wish you could be without for just one fucking day, that's the sound of their car pulling up, or the text to question where you are, what you're doing, or the noticing the time and that they'll be home soon, or them calling your name from another room and you thinking "oh fuck, what have I done wrong this time?"
That's not ok.
You may not feel strong enough now, and I understand that, all of us who've been there understand that. One day it will happen. One day something will click inside you and you'll know it's time. Time to take back control, time to stop existing in daily hell and start living. Yes, the unknown is soooooooo fucking scary and it may take an awful lot of rebuilding to get your life back.... but you ARE worth it.
Our inbox is always open for anyone needing to talk about this subject. Judgement free.
I can't promise the answers but I can promise honesty and understanding. If I can give you nothing else, I can offer hope. Not hope they'll change, not hope this will be the last verbal or physical assault, but hope that you can live again, love again and breathe again.
P
That made me cry . . . . . cry with sadness and frustration for those still there and relief & happiness for those of us who have broke free
Such powerful words x
It's frustrating place to be when you can see it from the outside, you can almost feel what they're feeling coz you KNOW.
For me the strength came when I was tired believe it or not. I was tired of trying. Tired of being wrong even though I knew I was right, tired of voice recording things that were being said that I was told were never said, I'd "made up because I was a crazy bitch"
Now, I'm a crazy bitch yes, but KNEW I wasn't that crazy. I KNEW the truth no matter how much he tried to convince me I was going out of my mind. I was tired of waking up each morning after a shit nights sleep wondering if today was gonna he the day he finally killed me.
Truth is I had got to the point where I wished he WOULD just kill me, get it over and done with coz this eggshell bullshit had just ground me down to the point I no longer cared, just fucking do it.
He didn't though, he just kept on with the mind assault. I begged him to stop countless times. I've never begged for anything in my fucking life except that, that wasn't me. I even told him I felt suicidal and you know what the cunt said? "I wouldn't bother trying coz you wouldn't even get that right, go on, prove me wrong, get something right in your pathetic existence"
That was him trying to get me to kill myself. What a fucking legend. It was believing that's what he wanted that stopped me actually, that was when my inner self showed her strength. I was back, broken, battered but back, and no cunt was gonna step another foot on me.
I cried for 2 days almost solid when I got him out, not because I was sad, fuck, I'd had all the grieving done years before that, I cried because I felt unshackled and my lungs could feel the sweet nontoxic air again.
P "No words P you’re such an inspiration to anyone going through hell. | |||
"P herself is testament to the fact that yes, you can, and I am touched by the way she gives many others on here hope, not just on how to escape and that it is possible, but on what the aftermath or long term consequences on your own psyche can be and how to deal with them. Though to say that it isn't easy in such a toxic relationship can sadly be a massive understatement in a lot of circumstances. B Thank you angel
Thank you everyone that had commented and shared, there will be someone reading that this resonates with, and may highlight to them that they're in an abusive relationship, it may prick up their ears or open their eyes, and whilst a painful and utterly frightening realisation it's one that may need.
If that person is you... you can do this. You can break free. You aren't the worthless existence you feel you are, I promise you. You aren't going mad even though it seems like you are because nothing adds up or makes sense, because the thing you did wrong was the thing they told you to do. How does that work? I done what you said and now I'm wrong?
Better the devil you know is strangely "comfortable" even though it's an uncomfortable eggshell walking hell on earth, but it's what you know, it's become your "normal". That pit of dread and doom in your chest and stomach that you wish you could be without for just one fucking day, that's the sound of their car pulling up, or the text to question where you are, what you're doing, or the noticing the time and that they'll be home soon, or them calling your name from another room and you thinking "oh fuck, what have I done wrong this time?"
That's not ok.
You may not feel strong enough now, and I understand that, all of us who've been there understand that. One day it will happen. One day something will click inside you and you'll know it's time. Time to take back control, time to stop existing in daily hell and start living. Yes, the unknown is soooooooo fucking scary and it may take an awful lot of rebuilding to get your life back.... but you ARE worth it.
It's frustrating place to be when you can see it from the outside, you can almost feel what they're feeling coz you KNOW.
For me the strength came when I was tired believe it or not. I was tired of trying. Tired of being wrong even though I knew I was right, tired of voice recording things that were being said that I was told were never said, I'd "made up because I was a crazy bitch"
Now, I'm a crazy bitch yes, but KNEW I wasn't that crazy. I KNEW the truth no matter how much he tried to convince me I was going out of my mind. I was tired of waking up each morning after a shit nights sleep wondering if today was gonna he the day he finally killed me.
Truth is I had got to the point where I wished he WOULD just kill me, get it over and done with coz this eggshell bullshit had just ground me down to the point I no longer cared, just fucking do it.
He didn't though, he just kept on with the mind assault. I begged him to stop countless times. I've never begged for anything in my fucking life except that, that wasn't me. I even told him I felt suicidal and you know what the cunt said? "I wouldn't bother trying coz you wouldn't even get that right, go on, prove me wrong, get something right in your pathetic existence"
That was him trying to get me to kill myself. What a fucking legend. It was believing that's what he wanted that stopped me actually, that was when my inner self showed her strength. I was back, broken, battered but back, and no cunt was gonna step another foot on me.
I cried for 2 days almost solid when I got him out, not because I was sad, fuck, I'd had all the grieving done years before that, I cried because I felt unshackled and my lungs could feel the sweet nontoxic air again.
P "I woke up one morning and said "I'm done - I can't do this anymore" There was no major drama, no big scene beforehand - just the incessant day to day drip drip of abuse. I was so tired, so drained, so sick of being afraid of my own shadow. I speak openly about what I went through in the hope that it will help anyone listening to gain strength or just give them the opportunity to open up to someone who knows, who cares, who will listen without judgement. I had a breakdown when I finally broke free - it was like my body & my mind no longer had to be scared and live on the adrenaline and fear any more - I could finally let go and needed to shut down so I could start to recover Thank you for sharing your life x | |||
"P herself is testament to the fact that yes, you can, and I am touched by the way she gives many others on here hope, not just on how to escape and that it is possible, but on what the aftermath or long term consequences on your own psyche can be and how to deal with them. Though to say that it isn't easy in such a toxic relationship can sadly be a massive understatement in a lot of circumstances. B Thank you angel
Thank you everyone that had commented and shared, there will be someone reading that this resonates with, and may highlight to them that they're in an abusive relationship, it may prick up their ears or open their eyes, and whilst a painful and utterly frightening realisation it's one that may need.
If that person is you... you can do this. You can break free. You aren't the worthless existence you feel you are, I promise you. You aren't going mad even though it seems like you are because nothing adds up or makes sense, because the thing you did wrong was the thing they told you to do. How does that work? I done what you said and now I'm wrong?
Better the devil you know is strangely "comfortable" even though it's an uncomfortable eggshell walking hell on earth, but it's what you know, it's become your "normal". That pit of dread and doom in your chest and stomach that you wish you could be without for just one fucking day, that's the sound of their car pulling up, or the text to question where you are, what you're doing, or the noticing the time and that they'll be home soon, or them calling your name from another room and you thinking "oh fuck, what have I done wrong this time?"
That's not ok.
You may not feel strong enough now, and I understand that, all of us who've been there understand that. One day it will happen. One day something will click inside you and you'll know it's time. Time to take back control, time to stop existing in daily hell and start living. Yes, the unknown is soooooooo fucking scary and it may take an awful lot of rebuilding to get your life back.... but you ARE worth it.
It's frustrating place to be when you can see it from the outside, you can almost feel what they're feeling coz you KNOW.
For me the strength came when I was tired believe it or not. I was tired of trying. Tired of being wrong even though I knew I was right, tired of voice recording things that were being said that I was told were never said, I'd "made up because I was a crazy bitch"
Now, I'm a crazy bitch yes, but KNEW I wasn't that crazy. I KNEW the truth no matter how much he tried to convince me I was going out of my mind. I was tired of waking up each morning after a shit nights sleep wondering if today was gonna he the day he finally killed me.
Truth is I had got to the point where I wished he WOULD just kill me, get it over and done with coz this eggshell bullshit had just ground me down to the point I no longer cared, just fucking do it.
He didn't though, he just kept on with the mind assault. I begged him to stop countless times. I've never begged for anything in my fucking life except that, that wasn't me. I even told him I felt suicidal and you know what the cunt said? "I wouldn't bother trying coz you wouldn't even get that right, go on, prove me wrong, get something right in your pathetic existence"
That was him trying to get me to kill myself. What a fucking legend. It was believing that's what he wanted that stopped me actually, that was when my inner self showed her strength. I was back, broken, battered but back, and no cunt was gonna step another foot on me.
I cried for 2 days almost solid when I got him out, not because I was sad, fuck, I'd had all the grieving done years before that, I cried because I felt unshackled and my lungs could feel the sweet nontoxic air again.
P
I woke up one morning and said "I'm done - I can't do this anymore"
There was no major drama, no big scene beforehand - just the incessant day to day drip drip of abuse.
I was so tired, so drained, so sick of being afraid of my own shadow.
I speak openly about what I went through in the hope that it will help anyone listening to gain strength or just give them the opportunity to open up to someone who knows, who cares, who will listen without judgement.
I had a breakdown when I finally broke free - it was like my body & my mind no longer had to be scared and live on the adrenaline and fear any more - I could finally let go and needed to shut down so I could start to recover
Thank you for sharing your life x
"Thank you for sharing yours too. My breakdown came 15 months later. Didn't realise I had PTSD, there I was thinking I was unscathed until his new bird came looking for me. She was the one he was banging behind my back that I knew about in my gut but just couldn't catch them in the act. He hadn't bothered with the slowly slowly with her, he had shown his true colours much sooner. He admitted to her he tried to get me to kill myself or kick him out so he could play the victim. Anywhoo, a combination of that confirmation alongside someone at work lying about me tipped me. Work had been my "safe place" and to have one of my colleagues lie about me sent me over the edge. Full on breakdown. Like you say, the need to shut down and recover. Doctor confirmed PTSD which I thought she was nuts, but when she explained work was the trigger (my safe place no longer being "safe") it all made sense. 9 months and counselling it took for me to build my confidence back up. That and wonderful friends. I still fight now, and that more than anything is what's totally unforgivable, the impact it has on your future, unknown triggers it leaves behind and those bastard niggling thoughts that try to creep back in regarding your "enoughness", self worth, self esteem. Funnily enough not my self respect though, that has never been so high. I find myself questioning if I'm reacting to a situation because of scars and I'm overcomensating in an attempt to protect myself, or if I would have reacted the same way before it all happened. That's what I find tricky. What's me and what's "survivor/ultra alert/red flag finder" me? I'm glad you got your happy back. *hug* P | |||
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"It so desperately sad that so many of us have been through such similar experiences. Without repeating what everyone else has sad so succinctly the worst part of my day was always the sound of the key in the door - for those who been in the same place - that will mean something to you and I don't need to expand any further. But look at us now - we are here expressing who we are, being who we should be and loving life for the most part I expect? We have all survived - not without scars be those physical and emotional and we'll carry that toil for the remainder of our lives - but here we are nonetheless. We are stronger than we thought we were, we are loved by the people who have always loved us, we are not the shit on the floor they made us feel we were - we are worth everything and more. Big loves & hugs to each and every single one of you x " "Without repeating what everyone else has sad so succinctly the worst part of my day was always the sound of the key in the door - for those who been in the same place - that will mean something to you and I don't need to expand any further." Totally this. I knew exactly what mood he was in by the sound of him turning the key in the door. I dreaded that sound every evening for 13 years. | |||
"I don’t. I stopped watching soaps about 10 years ago when they were no longer fun, light entertainment. " Ditto | |||
| |||
"Intetesting points everyone and yes you can escape it but it will take courage "It's more than just courage Shag, it can literally be a fight for your life. Survival instinct. P | |||
"Intetesting points everyone and yes you can escape it but it will take courage
It's more than just courage Shag, it can literally be a fight for your life. Survival instinct.
P"That is right it is that as well | |||
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" I think it's clear from posts on this thread that people can't ever 100% 'escape'." Physical and mental scars will always be there. | |||
