Early one morning,the flashing lights of a police car appeared in my rear view mirror.
After checking my licence the officer asked me"do you know why i pulled you over"?
"no ," i responded.
"One of your brake lights is out" he said "i'm going to issue you with a warning."
" Thank goodness" i said,without thinking," I thought you'd pulled me over because my insurance had expired."
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By *eavenNhellCouple
over a year ago
carrbrook stalybridge |
A little girl goes to see Santa and he asks her what she wants for Christmas.
"I want Barbie and Action Man," she says
"Oh" says Santa, "I thought Barbie came with Ken."
"No" says the little girl "Barbie cums with Action Man... she just fakes it with Ken" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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3 golfers all sitting in the bar after a round of golf on Boxing day.
First golfer said "Do you know this round of golf cost me a diamond necklace to keep my wife happy enough to let me play on Boxing day"
The second golfer said "Thats nothing, I had to promise I would buy my wife a new Porsche and a Prada Hambag to match just to get out for a game this morning"
The third golfer just sat there with a smug look on his face... the other two asked him what it cost him to get away. He replied "Nothing, I just said: Right I either want a round of golf or a blow job, to which the wife replied "I will get your clubs for you"!! |
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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago
Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria |
I went to a mate's wedding and I whispered to a bloke next to me "the bride is a right ugly dog".
"Do you mind? That's my daughter you're talking about".
"I'm really sorry, I didn't know you were her father".
"I'm not. I'm her mother".  |
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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago
Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria |
Courtesy of Sickipedia....I do love a good giggle
Statistically, 0% of people have lied in surveys.
"Red wine or White wine, ma'am?", The waiter asked my blonde mate, "It doesn't matter," she said, "I'm colour blind."
I went to that new MC Hammer museum yesterday. It wasn't that great, I couldn't touch anything.
As I sat next to my husband's hospital bed the consultant said to me "I don't think he'll make it through the night"
I replied "is there anything we can do to speed the process up? I'm going clubbing with the lasses later"
Brian May is a slightly more optimistic version of Brian Cant
I just finished masturbating under the sheet. I hope the hairdresser didn't notice |
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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago
Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria |
I'm so happy that I made it until 12 o'clock yesterday without getting April fooled.
I'm also looking forward to going down the local tonight to see Led Zepplin. their new pub tour is supposed to be amazing.... |
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By *lassic1Man
over a year ago
bellshill |
I thought I'd met my ideal woman until when I looked through her wardrobe I found ..a nurses uniform..a policewomans uniform and a french maid outfit....I thought bugger it if she cant hold down a job shes maybe not for me.  |
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Stevie Wonder took up golf and found that with few distractions and guidance from a caddie he was rather good at it.
He went to the Masters to sample the atmosphere and was having a drink at the bar when Tiger Woods walked in.
"Hey, Tiger do you fancy a game of golf with me?" said Stevie.
"Yes" said Tiger, "though i must warn you, i'm a professional and only play for money."
"That's no problem" said Stevie "i made a few bob as a musician."
"Well" said Tiger, "i'm rather successful as a golfer so i'll only play you for a million dollars a game".
"That's no problem" said Stevie "i had a few gold records so ican afford that."
"Great" said Tiger, "so when do you want to play Stevie?"
"Oh any night that you're free" says Stevie.
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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago
Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria |
A blond at a party was telling her friend that
she was off men for life. "They lie, they cheat
and they're just no good. From now on when I want
sex, I'm going to use my vibrator"
"So, what when the batteries run out?" asked her friend
"I'll just fake an orgasm like always."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"i was walking down the street yesrerday and some guy threw a roll of bog roll at my head....i thought well that charming that is "
someone chucked kitchen towel at me, I told 'em I'd got plenty
;)
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"i was walking down the street yesrerday and some guy threw a roll of bog roll at my head....i thought well that charming that is
someone chucked kitchen towel at me, I told 'em I'd got plenty
;)
"
it wasnt that juan-Sheet the complete timewasting barstard that he is !!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"i was walking down the street yesrerday and some guy threw a roll of bog roll at my head....i thought well that charming that is
someone chucked kitchen towel at me, I told 'em I'd got plenty
it wasnt that juan-Sheet the complete timewasting barstard that he is !!! "
no he threw the whole bleddy roll!
hehehe
Wolf
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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two men and a woman shipwrecked on a desert island a few days go by what you think might happen does happen but after a while she begins to feel guilty about this so she tops herself. anyway a few days go by the two men are on their own what you think might happen does happen but after a while they begin to feel guilty about this so they decide to bury her |
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The worlds shortest joke;Two women were sitting quietly.
What's the similarity between good jokes and free health care? Americans don't get either.
Sex is a lot like Tetris.I'm not very good at either and just end up jamming the piece in anywhere.
I just had an argument with a girl I know. She was saying how that it's unfair that if a guy fucks a different girl every week, he's a legend, but if a girl fucks just two guys in a year, she's a slut.So in response I told her that if a key opens lots of locks, then it's a master key. But if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it's a shitty lock.That shut her up.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Man comes home from work and says to his wife "I made a new discovery at work today". His wife looks at him and says "u've been working at land rover for a week now, that joke is getting old".   |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Mother superior calls all the nuns together and says to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," says an elderly nun at the back of the room, "I'm so tired of Chardonnay."  |
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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago
Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria |
"I was sucking off my new Thai girlfriend the other day, when I thought.......hang on? "
I did giggle at that one....here's another coupla my faves....
Just been sacked from my job as head of recruitment at Wimbledon...Turns out a Ballgirl isn't the same thing as a Ladyboy.
Just back from holiday in Thailand and I came so close to shagging a ladyboy.
Looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady!.......
It was only when she drove me back to her place and reversed her car into a space first time I thought "hang on....." |
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It 's Good Friday and Mum and Dad pack their six year old off to Grandpa's farm for the day. On returning at 19.00 Mum asked little Chantelle if she'd had a good day.
"Oh yes Mum, i've had a great time, played in the fields and seen loads of animals."
"What have you seen?" says Mum playing along.
"I've seen some ducks, some chickens, a nasty cat, loads of pigs, a couple of big horses and some FUCKERS"
"What, what have you seen?" says Mum rather annoyed.
"Some FUCKERS. Well, Grandad called them Heifers but i knew what he meant." |
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By *eavenNhellCouple
over a year ago
carrbrook stalybridge |
This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead.
And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
... "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and
get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
(Pause)
"O.K." says the voice on the radio....
"Repeat after me: Our Father. . Who art in Heaven. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He collapses and is unresponsive. She is frantic and calls on the radio; Christmas day...Easter Sunday, Boxing Day, St Patrick's Day...
Air traffic control radios, do you mean Mayday? |
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A Woman slips naked in her bathroom does the splits & ends up suctioned to the floor by her fanny. Her husband tries but can't budge her so calls his mate who says:" I'll go get a hammer, we can break tiles and lift her." The husband says: "Ok i'll lick her ear & play with her tits while ur gone." Why? says his mate. The husband replies: "If I can get her wet maybe we can slide her to the kitchen where the tiles are fucking cheaper. |
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